by Sofie Hern
“I’m sorry that I have been a horrible mom to you guys,” she says and is surprised at how honest she’s being right now. She fears it may be remorse so she stops talking.
“What’s with you?” asks Jordyn as she puts her books on her desk.
“I love you, honey,” says Irene and stands to leave the room. “I want an empty glass!” she says, pointing at the drink.
Jordyn smiles, drinks until there is nothing left and hands her mom back the glass.
“There… happy?”
Irene smiles. “Thanks, honey.”
She takes the empty glass from Jordyn and goes downstairs.
–
While she waits for the pills to take effect, she attempts to clean up the kitchen. She clears the sink and organizes the dirty dishes; she thinks it’s a good idea to have a decent looking home when the cops show up so she washes the dishes and clears the table as well.
–
Forty minutes later Irene goes up to check on her daughter. She opens the bedroom door and finds Jordyn lying on the bed, sleeping.
“Jordyn?” she calls, making sure she is in fact sleeping and the girl doesn’t answer. She approaches the bed and shakes her just be sure. “Jordyn?”
But Jordyn is knocked out.
“Here we go.”
–
She goes downstairs, puts on her coat and goes to the car to get her purchases from the day before. It is raining now and she grabs all the things she needs and runs back inside, locking the door behind her.
In the kitchen, she places the gallon of antifreeze on the table. Opens the box of latex gloves and puts them on. She then opens the baster and places it on the table, putting the packaging in a black garbage bag. She takes a glass from the cupboard and places it on the table and proceeds to open the bottle of antifreeze.
She uses the baster to extract the green liquid and puts some in the glass, being careful not to spill and leave any traces. She isn’t sure how much will be enough so she goes with eight ounces, precisely. She puts the cap back on the bottle and takes the baster and the glass with antifreeze up to Jordyn’s room. She’s glad that she no longer feels nervous and is excited instead.
–
She walks in and puts the glass on the nightstand.
“Jordyn?” calls Irene one last time, making sure her daughter is still out and she is.
The girl is lying down on her left side with her head on the pillow. Irene turns her over and holds her head up. With one hand she dips the baster in the glass and extracts the green liquid, filling the tip of the tube. She’s having a difficult time trying to open Jordyn’s mouth so she puts her head back on the pillow.
She stands by the bed, with one hand, she opens Jordyn’s mouth and with the other, she inserts the baster down the girl’s throat. Jordyn moans, gags and stirs, but doesn’t wake. There’s a gurgling sound deep in her throat as if she may vomit, but Irene covers her mouth with both hands.
She repeats the procedure a second time and then steps away from the bed. She knows that Jordyn will suffer a painful death, but thinks it’s what she deserves for being so close to Adam. As a matter of fact, this is what Adam deserves for leaving her. She smiles and ensures there is no mess and leaves the glass on the nightstand, for evidence, and takes the baster downstairs.
–
She isn’t sure how long it will take for Jordyn to go but doesn’t care. She has things to do and worrying about her daughter is useless now. She puts the baster in the garbage bag, along with with the packaging, the sleeping pills, the used gloves along with the box of gloves which still contains a few. She grabs the bottle of antifreeze and looks around, making sure there is no evidence in the kitchen and when she’s satisfied, she grabs the bag and goes out the back door.
–
She passes her garbage containers and walks next door to her neighbor’s property, which is empty as they told Irene they’d be on vacation for a few weeks. The motion sensor light above their kitchen window comes on, startling her and she laughs at herself for being so jumpy.
She walks to the side of their house where they keep the garbage cans, opens one and puts the bag inside. From there she walks to her car and puts the bottle of antifreeze in the back, then heads back inside, making sure no one saw anything.
–
After locking the doors, she goes upstairs. Afraid to look in Jordyn’s room, she closes her daughter’s door quickly and walks to her room where she starts to clean up her mess. She cleans the closet as well, piles, high a basket with dirty clothes and takes them downstairs to the laundry room.
She cleans up the family room as well. When she thinks she’s done all she can, she goes back upstairs to her room and sits on the bed. The clock reads 9:42 p.m. She stretches out on the bed, closes her eyes and falls asleep.
6
ADAM
Our spirits are high after receiving the great news from Dr. Barksdale the previous day. Aaron looks happy and ready to take on the new challenge.
Howard’s house is a beauty and Jaycob and I each have our own room which will change once Aaron leaves the hospital in a few days. He’ll be sharing a room with Jaycob.
We discuss the possibility of returning to Henderson for his therapy, but Howard says that he should have the best team of doctors and we decide to stay in LA for the duration of his recovery.
His is a two-story house with three bedrooms upstairs and two guest rooms on the first floor. When Jaycob gave me the tour of the house I was in awe.
–
I wake up early feeling well-rested then go to the bathroom to wash up and decide to go for a run.
I return to the room and get changed into sweats and a sweater, tie my shoes and walk downstairs to a large living room and dining area, beautifully decorated with paintings of the beach and surf. I walk left from the foyer, through the dining room and into the kitchen where Howard is drinking coffee.
I like the open floor. The kitchen is spacious and bright with tall windows and sliding doors that lead to the back yard. To the left side of the kitchen is a den which has a fireplace and a flat-screen television side by side in front of a large orange-colored sofa. And then there is a hallway leading to the guest rooms. Also on the first floor are Howard’s office and two more bathrooms.
I get a drink of water and Howard rises to get more coffee then sits down again.
“Work must be good,” I say, admiring the bright kitchen.
“Can't complain.” He smiles.
He’s working at a local radio station as a producer and from what he tells me he really enjoys what he does.
“Well, I'm going for a run,” I say putting the glass in the sink.
“Want company?”
I smile. “Like old times,” I say and he nods and goes to get changed.
–
I walk past the den to the hallway and find Howard's office. I’m happy for my friend, glad that he moved on from that episode and that he’s doing so well. Moments later he returns and we leave the house.
–
As expected, the late morning is warm and filled with the distinct smell of the ocean and the salty air as the beach is less than two miles away. I was curious as to where he’s driving me, but glad that the morning rush hour has passed.
After a couple of minutes on the highway, he pulls into a parking lot right on the beach.
“I come here at least a couple of times a week,” he says as he gets out and I follow.
The smell of the ocean is so sweet to me. I close my eyes and take in the sounds and think of Tianna, who never got the chance to see the ocean in person.
One time, when I was seventeen, I attempted a trip to California on my own only to have my crappy Ford station wagon break down half way. I waited for over an hour in the middle of the desert to be picked up by my dad. I thought I could make it a one day trip, but it never happened. I ended up selling the piece of shit and doing the dishes and the laundry for three months.
How
ard and I start walking to the path, stretching our muscles, then walk down to the shore to start our run. It does feel like old times, back when he and I were doing boxing training; it feels good doing it again.
The sound of the waves crashing against the sand is all I need; I don’t want to ruin that sound by playing music or anything. He asks how I’m handling Tianna's death and I honestly tell him that with Aaron’s accident, it has been so damn hectic that it’s kept my mind busy.
We run two miles along the shore and then turn around and run two more back to the car. I feel great as I stretch my muscles and calm my breathing before getting in the car. I take a deep breath and know I have to bring Aaron here.
We head back to the house and as always after a run, I feel great.
“Thanks for the company,” I tell Howard as we walk into the house.
“No problem.”
We head upstairs where he disappears into his room and I go to mine to get ready for a shower.
–
My phone is on the bed and I see that I have four missed calls from Irene and a voicemail, which I delete immediately. I have no intention of listening to her go on and on about why I had to leave.
I take my clothes and head for the shower, then trim my stubble, brush my hair, my teeth and go back to the room to put on my shoes. Once again, my phone has turned on; I go to check and find a missed call from Colin along with a voice message which I play.
“Call me right away.” That’s all he says. I call him and he picks up immediately.
“Colin, what's up?”
He’s quiet and sounds like he’s crying.
“Adam. Jordyn.... my sister... she…”
“Colin, what is it?”
“She's dead.”
My ears are buzzing. It has to be a dream or surely a cruel joke.
“What?” I ask in a whisperer.
“Mom found her... in her room and…”
“What? How?” I ask, but I’m not even sure that he’s still on the line anymore.
I sit on the edge of the bed as my body starts to shake. This can’t be happening. It just can’t.
“She… she killed herself. We need to go home right away. I’m heading to the airport myself.”
The room is spinning.
“Adam?” My name sounds distant.
“Yeah… okay. Okay, I'll… I’ll go.” The words come without my even trying. I sit on the bed and slide down to the floor with no real sense of anything. My phone slips from my hand and hits the floor then I bury my face in my hands.
I can't breathe and gasp for air as Howard appears at the door and looks at me then approaches. I am sitting with my knees in front of my chest and my face buried in them. Howard kneels in front of me, picks up my phone and looks at it, then puts it on the bed.
“Adam?”
His voice is coming from somewhere far away and I can't speak. He puts a hand on my shoulder and helps me back on the bed where we sit side by side.
With shaky hands, I wipe the tears and speak. “Jordyn...” I manage to say and he stares at me.
“What is it?”
I don't know how to reply, I can’t repeat what I just heard from Colin.
“She… I… I have to go.”
I stand to leave the room, but have no sense of direction.
Howard stops me. “What's wrong?”
I turn to him and say, “She's… dead.”
“What?”
I continue to wipe the tears, and then put my hands in my pockets and look down to the floor. “She… killed herself,” I say and a sob escapes me.
He looks at me for a few seconds and puts his hands behind his head and says, “Fuck.”
We remain in silence for what feels like hours. I shake my head then proceed to get ready. I put on my shoes while Howard remains in some sort of shock.
“Adam, you can’t go like this, you...” I look at him and he stops talking.
I go to sit next to him once again and start to cry.
“I'm sorry, Adam,” he says as I cry in silence.
When the tears stop for a moment, I take the phone but I’m not sure what to do next.
“I'm here if you need any help.”
I look at him and nod. “Thanks, Howard.”
He leaves me alone.
I take a deep breath and continue to get dressed. My beautiful princess is dead; my daughter, whom I loved dearly, is gone.
I cannot conceive it. I refuse to accept it. I just… can’t. Unsure of what to do, I take my phone, my keys and leave the room.
–
Howard is sitting at the dining room table and stands when he sees me.
“Where are you going?”
“To the hospital… I… I need to tell Jake.”
He nods and says, “Let me take you.”
–
The drive to the hospital feels too long and we ride in silence. The world feels surreal, like I’m stuck in a bad dream. Although the early afternoon is warm, I’m shivering as we walk into the hospital. I have no idea how to break the news.
–
Howard follows me as we enter the room and find Aaron sleeping and Jaycob watching television in the lounge.
“Hey,” says Jaycob as he stands to shake Howard’s hand.
“Is everything okay? You look… I don’t know.”
Howard and I look at each other and I shake my head. Howard steps out and slides the door closed behind him.
“Sit down, Jake.”
He does without taking his eyes off of me.
I stand with my hands on my hips looking to the floor and clear my throat.
“I…” my voice breaks and I clear my throat once again. “I just found out that Jordyn is. She, uh… she killed herself,” I say and shake my head, then look at Jaycob who’s face has gone white.
“What?”
“I got a call from Colin.” I sit next to him. “We… we can’t tell Aaron.”
He gives a slow nod.
“I have to go to Henderson and—”
“Let me help.”
I look at him.
“You can’t leave Aaron,” he says. “He needs you here and you’re his guardian. What if they need you or something?”
I shake my head because I know I have to go home. “I need to be there, Jake.”
He won’t let up, though. He stands and faces the window. “If they find out you left Aaron after surgery, it’s not going to look good to a judge and the whole adoption thing.”
And of course, he’s right. Like Tianna, Jaycob always thinks about everything and doesn’t act on his impulses, like me.
He returns to sit next to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Please, let me help.”
With much pain, I have to stay behind, but I trust him to do what needs to be done.
“Take care of everything for me. Please. Help Irene with whatever she needs… tell her that I’ll go just as soon as Aaron is well enough.”
He nods and gathers his things, gives me a hug and leaves the room. Howard returns, but says nothing, only nods and we sit in silence.
Moments later Aaron wakes up. I take a deep breath and go to him, trying my best to appear normal.
“Hey, buddy,” I say with a smile. I let him know that Jaycob will be busy for a few days because he has to go home to check that everything is still okay.
I am completely broken by the loss of my little girl and an immense sense of guilt comes over me for leaving her alone. I sit on the chair next to Aaron, who senses that something isn’t right.
“Are you sick, Uncle Adam?”
I turn to him and my heart pounds in my chest. “Jordyn. She, uh....” I swallow hard.
“Is she okay?”
He lost his mom only weeks ago; I can’t break his heart again. According to Colin, Jordyn killed herself and I think if Aaron learns that, he’ll feel like he didn’t matter to her. For a moment I’m angry with her and shake my head. “She… moved with her dad.”
�
�She did?”
I nod, then look down.
“He’s a businessman, you see, and travels a lot, so he took her with him and…”
Tears well in my eyes and I look to the window until they disappear.
“She is so happy to be with him, and… I know I’ll miss her but… she’s going to be okay now, buddy.”
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I refuse to break his heart. I hope that one day he’ll understand my reasons for lying.
“At least she's not with… with Irene anymore,” he says.
And he’s right.
7
IRENE
When she opens her eyes, she sees daylight coming from behind the blinds and panics.
“Jordyn!”
She rushes to her daughter’s room and slowly opens the door to find Jordyn in a different position from the night before. She’s lying face down across the bed.
“Jordyn?”
Her daughter doesn’t answer.
The smell of vomit is overwhelming; making Irene nauseous, but she fights the need to retch.
She covers her mouth and nose with her T-shirt and approaches the bed.
“Jordyn?” she calls again and shakes her daughter. She sees blood all over the pillow and the sheets as well as the floor. Blood mixed with vomit become too much for Irene and she immediately leaves the room, heads straight for the bathroom across the hall and hurls. She’s shaking uncontrollably and feels weak but she must keep it together because in the next few hours she has to do the best acting of her life
–
She goes to her bedroom for her phone and finds a missed call and a voice message from Jordyn’s school which she listens to. They are letting her know that Jordyn did not show up for school.
“And she never will,” Irene whispers.
The time on her phone says 8:05 am. She takes a deep breath and with shaky hands dials 911.
–
When she hears the ambulance, she runs downstairs and out the door. The EMTs walk inside and Irene directs them. “Upstairs, hurry!” she tells them and they rush up to the room.
She stands back and points them to Jordyn’s room. Irene keeps her distance as the smell of vomit seems stronger than before. She stands at the threshold and sees when they turn Jordyn over. The girl’s eyes are wide open and they are red, like if they’re bleeding from the inside. Irene is suddenly scared, but continues acting as best she can.
