For another twenty minutes, she guided him around the floor, making silly jokes and introducing him to the rest of his colleagues, finally ending back at Jessica’s office.
“Take a seat.” She gestured, seating herself down behind her desk.
As he slipped off his jacket and maneuvered his body into the chair, Jessica couldn’t help but notice his muscular arms. What was it about a man’s arms that got her heated every time?
“So, Mark, do you have a family at home, or are you married to your work like most of us in this building?”
“I have two kids at home.”
“They’re beautiful,” Jessica said as she pressed her fingers along the photos he had taken out of his wallet. He had a boy and a girl, both stunningly beautiful with Mark’s enviable features, fair hair with the same deep violet eyes, and dimples on their left cheek.
“I’m a lucky man,” he stated proudly.
Jessica admired him so much. She wanted a family like that someday, but what you want and what you can have are two different things.
“Yes, you are,” she agreed, sounding firmer than she felt. “How about a wife, or girlfriend, or both?” She giggled openly.
“I was married. Technically, I still am. We’re separated, my wife and me. She is going through a hard time right now. I’m helping her through it. I’m lucky we get on well.”
Now she felt stupid, and the knot in her stomach churned.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
“Don’t be silly. We have been separated for a while now. The kids are fine with it, so that’s all that matters.”
“No girlfriend then?” she queried. Honestly, her desire to know other people’s business made her own life seem pathetic.
“I have been thinking about getting back out there for a while. It’s a big step.”
“You should. Women in this city are just crying out for a man like you.” Jessica’s lips edged up into a soft smile.
This guy was nice. Really nice.
Chapter Twelve
The rest of the week went by quickly, and she spent her weekend relaxing—for once. The previous weekends had been spent with Jake.
As much as she hated to even think about it, his comments in the coffee shop on Wednesday pained her deeply. She knew she shouldn’t have taken notice; it was Jake Williams, for Christ’s sake. Why would he fall in love with her? She had to continue reminding herself of that. Otherwise, she would just curl up into a ball, and that wouldn’t help.
Jessica shook her head, letting her negative thoughts go. She didn’t need it, not today. Today was Monday and her appointment kept edging closer. She hated the doctors. Anytime she went, the news seemed to get worse.
She had booked the day off from work with Mr. Johnson. She didn’t tell Jake. First, it would have been awkward asking his permission for a day off. She just didn’t like it. She tried her best not to give him more power than he already had; especially over her.
And second, it would bring up too many questions.
Still, she was fooling herself if she thought she was getting away with it that easily. It was eleven o’clock and any minute now, she was expecting a phone call from him. Surely he would miss teasing her by now.
Jessica cringed at the fact they even had a sex life. A fling? She could get over that because it’s a once-off thing. That is exactly what it should have been. She should have stopped it after she was sneaking out of his house and leaving her underwear behind. But no. Jessica Connors hates making her life simple.
Instead, she made their sex-fling into a sex-life.
“I need to get a normal life. One with no complications,” she murmured to herself as she plopped herself on the sofa.
As she did, the phone rang, just like she had expected. She reached over to pick it up.
“Hello,” Jessica answered, knowing exactly who was on the other end.
“Why are you at home? Are you sick?” Jake questioned.
“Are you checking up on me?” She chewed on the crisps she had taken from the cupboard. “Worried about me, are we?”
“I’m your boss. You are not at work. I have a right to know why.”
“Should I always come through you for a simple day off? As you said, you are my boss. Bosses don’t need to know everything about their employee’s personal lives.” Jessica clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth.
“Calm down, Jess!”
“Don’t tell me what to do!”
For a moment, the line went silent.
“Jess, are you okay?” Jake finally spoke.
“I don’t know,” she breathed, feeling confused. Her mind felt blurred. Maybe it was nerves. “You are driving me crazy. I may have slept with you, Jake, but I can’t tell you everything. You must stop playing the ‘you slept with me and I’m your boss, so you have to do as I say’ card. Just give it a break. Please,” she begged.
“Okay,” Jake agreed, his tone becoming suddenly different. “I don’t mean to play that card with you, and I don’t expect you to do everything I say. I just saw you weren’t at work. I thought something was wrong. You never miss work.”
Jessica rolled her eyes. Now she just felt guilty for snapping at him.
“There is nothing wrong. I promise. I just have a check-up at the doctor.”
“Everything okay?”
“Everything is fine. I am just going to get some medication for those headaches.” Jessica bit down on her lip, hoping he wouldn’t hear more in her voice.
“You should do that.”
She sighed with relief. He usually knew when she was lying. Maybe she didn’t want him to know so much that she was getting good at lying to people about it.
“Anyway, I should be off. I’m going to be late for the appointment. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Good luck at the doctors.”
They both said goodbye and hung up. She should have taken pleasure in snapping at Jake, but she didn’t.
She hated being confused.
On the way to the hospital, she couldn’t help but flick her eyes towards the digital clock on the dashboard; every minute bringing her closer to her appointment.
Jessica gave her details to the nurse at the desk and waited patiently for someone to call her name.
“Jessica Connors.”
She turned her head towards the booming voice where the smiling face of her doctor greeted her.
“Jessica, how are you?” Doctor Harris grinned widely, exposing his slightly crooked teeth. His eyes were smiling at her too, and the dark wrinkles that were set around his eyelids became deeper. His grey hair was thinning, and his brilliant white shirt looked like it was hanging on for dear life; hardly buttoned on his rounded belly.
“I’m good. Thank you.”
As she sat down on the chair opposite him with only the desk separating them, that overwhelming feeling of fear and unease caressed her again.
Jake!
He was the first person to jump into her head. He protected her from things like this, and she wanted him near her. For the first time, she didn’t want him because of the passion between them or the sex. She wanted him because he could make her feel safe with just a touch of his hand.
“How have you been feeling, Jessica?” the doctor interrupted her thoughts of longing.
She took a deep breath before she spoke. “I’ve been good so far. Some migraines. Nothing too serious.”
“That will be the medication.” He nodded while he took the brown chart from under a pile of papers.
Her heart began to beat viciously in her chest. It surprised her it wasn’t echoing around the office, bouncing against the blue painted walls as a reminder of why she was here.
Jessica knew what the chart held. The results of her tests. She already knew what was wrong with her, but those test results told her exactly how bad it was.
“As you know, we have run multiple tests and scans on you throughout the last few weeks. The cold coagulation treatment
we did on you, its purpose was to stop this disease from spreading. But we compared the results of the biopsies we took in August to the test we did on you three weeks ago and our treatments aren’t working.”
Jessica blinked away the tears forming in her eyes and swallowed the lump threatening to choke her.
“Okay,” she said, trying her best to digest his words. “I was preparing myself for that.”
“I’m going to give it to you straight up, Jessica. I have been your doctor for a while now and you seem like a girl who can take it. You have stage two Adenocarcinoma. It’s extremely invasive cancer. I would like to do a full hysterectomy or radiation and chemotherapy. I can’t promise it won’t be both. It’s not sweet. This is going to be very tough. Cervical cancer is no simple task for any woman to deal with, especially one who doesn’t already have children.”
“Is there any way I would be capable of having children afterwards? Are there any options for that?”
“With a hysterectomy, we can take the cancer before it spreads, but there is no chance of you ever carrying your own child. With chemotherapy and radiation, there is a slight chance, but it’s near impossible you could have children afterwards. It may stop your ovarian activity completely.”
For weeks and weeks, she asked herself - why me? Until she finally realized: it had to happen to someone.
When Jessica turned twenty-five, she was called for her first cervical check. It took her two years to find the time in her schedule to organize her appointment. She didn’t know then it would lead to countless doctors’ appointments and biopsies.
Her dignity had gone with the first piece of tissue they had cut away, and her first colposcopy shamed her to cry. She thought it would be better to have a female gynaecologist. But as she soon learned, it didn’t matter if it was an alien. They were still sitting between her legs as if it were the most natural thing to do, prodding her with cold metal instruments.
That was the day the word biopsy was first mentioned. She couldn’t believe it. A biopsy had to mean something bad, didn’t it? Then came the news she would have to wait six long, excruciating weeks for the results.
When she did finally get the phone call, she didn’t cry. She laughed. She laughed so hard she vomited. And to slap her a little harder, they told her it was a very slow-growing disease. How long had this evil been nested inside her?
A week later, her first treatment began. The violent shaking caused by the anaesthetic, and the smell of her burning flesh caused acid bile to settle in her throat.
And here she was, sitting in a dull doctor’s office, once again shattering her world with more bad news. She was twenty-seven. She had a life to live. She thought it would include children. Life is a journey of unexpected hardships and agony. It was up to her to fight it. To kick that life in the ass and build her own.
“Which one is less noticeable?” she finally asked, shifting in her seat. She hated talking about this, but it needed to be done.
Dr. Harris’ gaze deepened. The wrinkles around his eyes looked carved into his skin, and his thin lips pursed into a pout. She knew he thought it was a stupid question, but she had to ask it. He pushed his slipping glasses back onto the bridge of his nose and stared at her for a while longer. She kept his gaze, refusing to look away.
“Well, the hysterectomy would be less noticeable,” he answered, worried. “With the other treatments, there will be hair loss and weight loss. I mean, people will know you are sick, Jessica.”
“I know that. But with the hysterectomy, it could be any operation. I don’t want to suffer for months, even years on end because of this. If I get my womb out it will be over and done with within a few weeks, and I can get back to what I was doing.” She knew she sounded cold, and she hated it. It killed her to say those words, but she couldn’t let it sink in. If she did, the emotional pain alone would kill her.
Jessica wanted a family. She wanted kids to play with, to snuggle into bed at night. Unfortunately for her, it wasn’t meant to be. And if she was being honest, it also killed the feelings she had for Jake. Not because she didn’t want to feel anything for him, but she couldn’t. Not anymore. She knew how much he loved kids.
“Jessica, does anybody know you are ill?” It was like Dr. Harris had made a sudden realization.
She hoped he wouldn’t ask.
“No,” she answered honestly; lowering her eyes to her lap, where her hands were fumbling with a tread she had pulled from her top.
“Jessica, you have to tell someone. You can’t go through this alone.”
“I won’t,” she assured him.
“You need to tell somebody. It doesn’t matter which line of treatment you decide to take, you are still going to need someone there to take care of you.”
“I will tell someone. I promise.”
She wanted to beg him to change the subject.
“Please do, Jessica, because you will need all the help you can get. For now, I will prescribe you some more medication and something for those headaches. But I want you to go home and have a think about what you are going to do.”
“But I already know,” she interrupted.
“You might think you know now, but I want you to have your options open. Don’t make a rash decision you might regret. I will book you in for an MRI and ultrasound next week. By then we can have things set up. Take a week to decide and let us know. I know when people think of cancer, time isn’t one of the major factors, but this is the most crucial part, and you need to know you are doing the right thing. So, go home and think about it. And tell somebody!” he warned.
“Okay.” She nodded, letting a single tear fall. She felt numb. And that is how she wanted it. If she wasn’t numb, she would feel all the pain, and it would come crashing down on her like a tonne of bricks.
“We will call with your next appointment. But please if you are ill, or you just want to talk and find out more information; please do not hesitate in calling me. You have my phone number. Use it.”
“Thanks, Doctor Harris.” Jessica smiled, wiping away the moisture from her cheeks.
As she left his office, she looked at her watch. It was 1:30. She knew where she wanted to go. She may have taken the day off, but she was going to work. Not to read or edit books, but Jessica needed to be with the man who protected her most. She needed Jake, whether or not she liked it.
Chapter Thirteen
Jessica could feel the heavy tears caress her skin as she parked her car in the parking lot outside the company building. Her drops felt like bricks as they lulled at her cheeks and splattered onto her lap.
“Breathe,” she told herself, wiping away the mascara-soaked tears. She knew she couldn’t walk into work looking like she did. But her longing to be with Jake threatened to cripple her if she didn’t get to see him.
She walked swiftly into the building, keeping her head to the floor in fear someone would see her, and rushed straight for the bottom floor restroom. Quickly, she splashed some water on her face and wiped away the tears. Luckily, the red and blotchy patches on her face had calmed. They were less noticeable now.
On the way up, she asked herself what the hell was she going to do? Stepping out of the elevator, she felt her heart thumping against her chest like it was about to explode. And there she was, going to see Jake. What was she thinking? But she was there now. People had seen her. Jake would hear she had been there eventually.
With that, she took a deep breath and walked swiftly down the hall towards his office. She still had no idea what she was going to do or say, but she had gone too far to turn back now. Jessica came to a sudden halt as she turned to walk into his office. When she opened the door, the room was empty.
“He went out, sweetheart.” Margaret approached her, startling her from behind, a small smile gracing her wrinkled lips. Margaret worked in accounts on the same floor for many years before Jessica started her job.
“Oh,” Jessica sighed, feeling a pang of disappointment.
“He should
be back soon. He had a meeting on the other side of town. Would you like me to take a message?”
“No, it’s fine. I was just popping by.” Jessica waved her hand in dismissal. With luck, Margaret wouldn’t even tell Jake she was there.
“Just popping by?” Margaret whispered.
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t think Jake would see it as just popping by.”
“What?”
Jessica watched as Margaret shifted from one foot to another.
“I have known you for a long time. And even though I haven’t been working for Jake all that long, I think I know him a little. You don’t have to be stupid to see he can have any girl he wants. He relishes in it. But he looks at you differently. I don’t know what it is, but it gives me goosebumps when two of you are together.” She smiled. Her frail voice had a droned quality to it, as if all her words attached. “And not fighting,” she quickly added.
Jessica looked at her for a moment, unable to find the words to respond. How was it that everyone else could see what was going on between her and Jake as something special or different? She didn’t know what it was exactly, but she couldn’t.
“I think you need stronger glasses, Margaret,” Jessica joked, trying her best to avoid the subject.
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with my glasses, little girl. It is you that needs glasses. Open your eyes. You will see it too.”
“I am now walking away from this awkward conversation. I am going to go to my office.”
Jessica hugged her lightly, afraid she would break a bone in the woman’s fragile frame.
“I know what I am talking about,” Margaret shouted after her.
“No, you don’t.”
Jessica could hear her mutter something under her breath as she walked away, but she didn’t catch it.
Now that she was in the building, she decided to stay and catch up on some of her work. She tried to ignore the conversation she just had, put it to the back of her mind; hope that it would stay there, but she couldn’t do it. She got butterflies, excitement building up through her shoulders. She hated those butterflies. She wished they would just roll back up into their cocoons, exactly where her feelings were hiding.
Watch Over My Life: Emotional Love Story (What Will Be Book Series) Page 10
