by Karel Čapek
Domin (laughing) That’s enough now, Sulla, that’s enough. Show us how well you speak French.
Helena You speak French?
Sulla I speak four languages. I can write ‘Dear Sir! Monsieur! Geehrter Herr! Ctěný pane!’
Helena (jumping up) This is all humbug! You’re all charlatans! Sulla’s not a robot, she’s a living girl just like I am. Sulla, you should be ashamed of yourself-why are you play-acting like this?
Sulla I am a robot.
Helena No, no, you’re lying! Oh, I’m sorry, Sulla, I realise... I realise they force you to do it just to make their products look good. Sulla, you’re a living girl just like I am-admit it.
Domin Sorry Miss Glory. I’m afraid Sulla really is a robot.
Helena You’re lying!
Domin (stands erect) What’s that?-(rings) If you’ll allow me, it seems I’ll have to convince you.
(enter Marius)
Domin Marius, take Sulla down to the dissection room to have her opened up. Quickly!
Helena Where?
Domin The dissection room. Once they’ve cut her open you can come down and have a look.
Helena I’m not going there!
Domin If you’ll forgive me, you did say something about lying.
Helena You’re going to have her killed?
Domin You don’t kill a machine.
Helena (arms around Sulla) Don’t worry, Sulla, I won’t let them take you. Do they always treat you like this? You shouldn’t put up with it, do you hear, you shouldn’t put up with it.
Sulla I am a robot.
Helena I don’t care what you are. Robots are people just as good as we are. Sulla, would you really let them cut you open.
Sulla Yes.
Helena And aren’t you afraid of dying?
Sulla I do not understand dying, Miss Glory.
Helena Do you know what would happen to you then?
Sulla Yes, I would cease to move.
Helena This is terrible!
Domin Marius, tell the lady what you are.
Marius Robot, Marius.
Domin And would you take Sulla down to the dissection room?
Marius Yes.
Domin Would you not feel any pity for her?
Marius I do not understand pity.
Domin What would happen to her.
Marius She would cease to move. She would be put on the scrap heap.
Domin That’s what death is, Marius. Are you afraid of death.
Marius No.
Domin There, Miss Glory, you see? Robots don’t cling to life. There’s no way they could do. They’ve got no sense of pleasure. They’re less than the grass.
Helena Oh stop it! Send them out of here, at least!
Domin Marius, Sulla, you can go now.
(Sulla and Marius exeunt)
Helena They’re horrible. This is vile, what you’re doing here.
Domin What’s vile about it?
Helena I don’t know. Why... why did you give her the name ‘Sulla’?
Domin Don’t you like that name?
Helena It’s a man’s name. Sulla was a Roman general.
Domin Was he? We thought Marius and Sulla were lovers.
Helena No, Marius and Sulla were generals who fought against each other in... oh I forget when.
Domin Come over to the window. What do you see?
Helena Bricklayers.
Domin They’re robots. All the workers here are robots. And down here; what do you see there?
Helena Some kind of office.
Domin That’s the accounts department. And in the...
Helena... lots of office workers.
Domin They’re all robots. All our office staff are robots. Over there there’s the factory....
(just then, factory whistles and sirens sound)
Domin Lunchtime. The robots don’t know when they’re supposed to stop working. At two o’clock I’ll show you the mixers.
Helena What mixers?
Domin (drily) For mixing the dough. Each one of them can mix the material for a thousand robots at a time. Then there are the vats of liver and brain and so on. The bone factory. Then I’ll show you the spinning-mill.
Helena What spinning-mill
Domin Where we make the nerve fibres and the veins. And the intestine mill, where kilometers of tubing run through at a time. Then there’s the assembly room where all these things are put together, it’s just like making a car really. Each worker contributes just his own part of the production which automatically goes on to the next worker, then to the third and on and on. It’s all fascinating to watch. After that they go to the drying room and into storage where the newly made robots work.
Helena You mean you make them start work as soon as they’re made?
Domin Well really, it’s more like working in the way a new piece of furniture works. They need to get used to the idea that they exist. There’s something on the inside of them that needs to grow or something. And there are lots of new things on the inside that just aren’t there until this time. You see, we need to leave a little space for natural development. And in the meantime the products go through their apprenticeship.
Helena What does that involve?
Domin Much the same as going to school for a person. They learn how to speak, write and do arithmetic, as they’ve got amazing memories. If you read a twenty-volume encyclopedia to them they could repeat it back to you word for word, but they never think of anything new for themselves. They’d make very good university lecturers. After that, they’re sorted and distributed, fifteen thousand of them a day, not counting those that are defective and go back to the scrap heap... and so on and so on.
Helena Are you cross with me?
Domin God no! I just thought we... we might talk about something different. There’s just a few of us here surrounded by hundreds of thousands of robots, and no women at all. All we ever talk about is production levels all day every day. It’s as if there were some kind of curse on us.
Helena I’m very sorry I called you... called you a liar.
(knocking)
Domin Come in, lads.
(Enter, stage left, Fabry, Dr. Gall, Dr. Hallemeier, Alquist)
Dr. Gall Oh, not disturbing you, are we?
Domin Come on in. Miss Glory, this is Alquist, Fabry, Gall, Hallemeier. Mr. Glory’s daughter.
Helena (embarrassed) Good afternoon
Fabry We had no idea
Dr. Gall This is a great pleasure
Alquist It’s nice to see you here, Miss Glory
(Enter Busman, right)
Busman Hello, what’s going on here?
Domin Come in, Busman. This is Busman, and this is Mr. Glory’s daughter.
Helena Pleased to meet you.
Busman Oh, that’s wonderful! Miss Glory, would you mind if we send a telegram to the newspapers to say you’ve come?
Helena No, no, please don’t do that!
Domin Please, do sit down.
(Fabry, Busman and Dr. Gall pull up armchairs)
Fabry Please...
Busman After you...
Dr. Gall Beg your pardon...
Alquist Miss Glory, did you have a good journey?
Dr. Gall Will you be staying here, with us, for long?
Fabry What do you think of our factory, Miss Glory?
Hallemeier Came over on the Amelia, did you?
Domin Quiet, let Miss Glory speak.
Helena (to Domin) What am I supposed to say to them?
Domin (surprised) Whatever you like.
Helena Should I... should I be open with them?
Domin Of course you should.
Helena (hesitant, then decided) Tell me, do you not mind the way you’re treated?
Fabry Treated by whom?
Helena Any of these people.
(All look at each other in bewilderment)
Alquist The way we’re treated?
Dr. Gall How do you mean?
Hallemeier Oh my God!
Busman
But Miss Glory, dear me!
Helena Do you not think you could have a better kind of existence?
Dr. Gall That all depends, Miss Glory, what do you mean?
Helena What I mean is... (in an outburst)... this is all horrible, it’s vile! (standing) The whole of Europe is talking about what’s going on here and the way you’re treated. That’s why I’ve come here, to see for myself, and I find it’s a thousand times worse than anyone ever thought! How can you bear it?
Alquist What is it you think we have to bear?
Helena Your position here. You are people just like we are, for God’s sake, just like anyone else in Europe, anyone else in the world! It’s a scandal, the way you have to live, it isn’t worthy of you!
Busman My word, Miss Glory!!
Fabry But I think there might be something in what Miss Glory says, lads. We really do live here like a camp of Indians.
Helena Worse than Indians! May I, oh, may I call you ‘brothers’?
Busman Well, why on Earth not?
Helena Brothers, I haven’t come here on behalf of my father. I’m here on behalf of the League of Humanity. Brothers, the League of Humanity now has more than two thousand members. There are two thousand people who are standing up for you and want to help you.
Busman Two thousand people! Dear me, that’s quite a decent number, that’s very nice indeed.
Fabry I always say that old Europe hasn’t had its day yet. Do you hear, lads, they haven’t forgotten about us, they want to help us.
Dr. Gall What sort of help do you have in mind? A theatre performance, perhaps?
Hallemeier An orchestra?
Helena More than that.
Alquist Yourself?
Helena Oh, never mind myself! I’ll stay here for as long as it’s needed.
Busman Dear me, that is good news!
Alquist I’ll go and get the best room ready for Miss Glory then, Domin.
Domin Wait a second, Alquist, I’ve a feeling Miss Glory hasn’t quite finished speaking yet.
Helena No, I haven’t finished, not unless you mean to shut me up by force.
Dr. Gall Harry, how dare you!
Helena Thank you. I knew you’d protect me.
Domin Excuse me, Miss Glory, but are you sure you’re talking to robots?
Helena (taken aback) Who else would I be talking to?
Domin I’m afraid these gentlemen are people, just like you are. Just like the whole of Europe.
Helena (to the others) You aren’t robots?
Busman (laughing) God forbid!
Hallemeier The idea’s disgusting!
Dr. Gall (laughing) Well thank you very much!
Helena But... but that’s impossible.
Fabry On my word of honour, Miss Glory, we are not robots.
Helena (to Domin) Then why did you tell me that all your staff are robots?
Domin All the staff are robots, but not the management. Let me introduce them: Mr. Fabry, general technical director, Rossum’s Universal Robots. Doctor Gall, director of department for physiology and research. Doctor Hallemeier, director of the institute for robot behaviour and psychology. Mr. Busman, commercial director, and Mr. Alquist, our builder, head of construction at Rossum’s Universal Robots.
Helena I’m sorry gentlemen. I... I... oh, that’s terrible, what have I done?
Alquist Oh, it doesn’t matter, Miss Glory, please sit down.
Helena (sitting) What a stupid girl I am. Now, now you’ll send me back on the next ship.
Dr. Gall Not for the world. Why would we want to send you back?
Helena Because now you know... you know... you know I want to destroy your business.
Domin But there’ve already been hundreds of saviours and prophets here. More of them arrive with every ship; missionaries, anarchists, the Salvation Army, everything you can think of. It’s astonishing just how many churches and madmen there are in the world.
Helena And you let them talk to the robots?
Domin Why not? We’ve let them all do it so far. The robots remember everything, but that’s all they do. They don’t even laugh at what people tell them. It’s really quite incredible. If you feel like it, I can take you down to the storeroom and you can talk to the robots there.
Busman Three hundred and forty-seven thousand.
Domin Alright then. You can lecture them on whatever you like. Read them the Bible, logarithmic tables, anything. You can even preach to them about human rights.
Helena But I thought that... if they were just shown a little love...
Fabry That’s impossible, Miss Glory. There’s nothing more different from people than a robot.
Helena Why do you make them?
Busman Hahaha, that’s a good one! Why do we make robots!
Fabry So that they can work for us, Miss Glory. One robot can take the place of two and a half workers. The human body is very imperfect; one day it had to be replaced with a machine that would work better.
Busman People cost too much.
Fabry They were very unproductive. They weren’t good enough for modern technology. And besides,... besides... this is wonderful progress that... I beg your pardon.
Helena What?
Fabry Please forgive me, but to give birth to a machine is wonderful progress. It’s more convenient and it’s quicker, and everything that’s quicker means progress. Nature had no notion of the modern rate of work. From a technical point of view, the whole of childhood is quite pointless. Simply a waste of time. And thirdly...
Helena Oh, stop it!
Fabry As you like. Can I ask you, what actually is it that your League... League of Humanity stands for?
Helena It’s meant to... actually it’s meant to protect the robots and make sure... make sure they’re treated properly.
Fabry That’s not at all a bad objective. A machine should always be treated properly. In fact I agree with you completely. I never like it when things are damaged. Miss Glory, would you mind enrolling all of us as new paying members of your organisation.
Helena No, you don’t understand. We want, what we actually want is to set the robots free!
Hallemeier To do what?
Helena They should be treated... treated the same as people.
Hallemeier Aha. So you mean they should have the vote! Do you think they should be paid a wage as well?
Helena Well of course they should!
Hallemeier We’ll have to see about that. And what do you think they’d do with their wages?
Helena They’d buy... buy the things they need... things to bring them pleasure.
Hallemeier This all sounds very nice; only robots don’t feel pleasure. And what are these things they’re supposed to buy? They can be fed on pineapples, straw, anything you like; it’s all the same to them, they haven’t got a sense of taste. There’s nothing they’re interested in, Miss Glory. It’s not as if anyone’s ever seen a robot laugh.
Helena Why... why... why don’t you make them happier?
Hallemeier We couldn’t do that, they’re only robots after all. They’ve got no will of their own. No passions. No hopes. No soul.
Helena And no love and no courage?
Hallemeier Well of course they don’t feel love. Robots don’t love anything, not even themselves. And courage? I’m not so sure about that; a couple of times, not very often, mind, they have shown some resistance...
Helena What?
Hallemeier Well, nothing in particular, just that sometimes they seem to, sort of, go silent. It’s almost like some kind of epileptic fit. ‘Robot cramp’, we call it. Or sometimes one of them might suddenly smash whatever’s in its hand, or stand still, or grind their teeth – and then they just have to go on the scrap heap. It’s clearly just some technical disorder.
Domin Some kind of fault in the production.
Helena No, no, that’s their soul!
Fabry Do you think that grinding teeth is the beginnings of a soul?
Domin We can solve that problem,
Miss Glory. Doctor Gall is carrying out some experiments right now.
Dr. Gall No, not quite yet, Domin, at present I’m working on nerves for feeling pain.
Helena Nerves for feeling pain?
Dr. Gall That’s right. Robots have virtually no sense of physical pain, as young Rossum simplified the nervous system a bit too much. That turns out to have been a mistake and so we’re working on pain now.
Helena Why... why... if you don’t give them a soul why do you want to give them pain?
Dr. Gall For good industrial reasons, Miss Glory. The robots sometimes cause themselves damage because it causes them no pain; they do things such as pushing their hand into a machine, cutting off a finger or even smash their heads in. It just doesn’t matter to them. But if they have pain it’ll be an automatic protection against injuries.
Helena Will they be any the happier when they can feel pain?
Dr. Gall Quite the opposite, but it will be a technical improvement.
Helena Why don’t you create a soul for them?
Dr. Gall That’s not within our power.
Fabry That wouldn’t be in our interest.
Busman That would raise production costs. Just think how cheaply we make them; a hundred and twenty dollars each, complete with clothing, and fifteen years ago they cost ten thousand! Five years ago we still had to buy the clothes for them, but now we have our own weaving mills and even sell material at a fifth of the price of other mills. Tell me, Miss Glory, what is it you pay for a metre of cloth?
Helena I don’t know.. I really don’t know... I’ve forgotten.
Busman Dear dear me, and you were wanting to establish the League of Humanity! Cloth now a days is three times cheaper, miss, the prices of everything are three times cheaper and they’re still going down and down and down.
Helena I don’t see what you mean.
Busman Dear lady, what I mean is that the price of labour is getting cheaper! Even with its food, a robot costs no more than three quarters of a cent per hour! It’s wonderful; every factory is buying robots as quick as they can to reduce production costs, and those that aren’t are going bankrupt.
Helena Yes, that’s right, and throwing their workers out on the streets.
Busman Haha, well of course they are! And while they are doing that we are putting five hundred thousand tropical robots out on the Argentine pampas to cultivate wheat. Tell me, what does a loaf of bread cost where you come from?
Helena I’ve no idea.
