by Amity Cross
“That means a lot,” I murmured. “But we can never go back, you know that, right?”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know. I’ll leave you alone after this. I just needed to make sure we were square.”
“I guess we’re as square as we’ll ever be.”
“So you and Goblin?” he went on. “What happened there?”
I felt tears begin to well, and my hands started to tremble, so I shoved them under my thighs. “No good,” I managed to get out.
“I’m the biggest dick out there,” Storm began, “but I’m smart enough to know neither of you are trying to fix whatever it was that broke you up. I don’t know if it’s pride or what…” He shrugged. “Someone’s gotta fight.”
“And you think that person is me?”
“I suppose so. I’m pretty sure the guy has a lot to deal with right now. Also, I can recognize a stubborn asshole when I see one.” He laughed. “Takes one to know one, huh?”
“What do you mean he’s got a lot to deal with?” I thought Hamish hadn’t told anyone about his mother, so how was Storm assuming he had shit to deal with?
“I don’t know how word got out, but apparently, his mother died the other day.”
My expression fell, and my hand flew to my mouth. “You’re kidding me?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know anything about grand gestures, but I suppose now would be the time to offer condolences or support or whatever. To let him know you’re still there.”
I could hear Storm’s voice, but I wasn’t listening. Oh, Hamish… I did want to be there, but I wasn’t sure I was welcome. I wanted to get in my car, drive over to his place, and make him listen. I wanted to comfort him and hold his hand and just…and just be there. It didn’t have anything to do with love or sex, it was just… I didn’t know.
Glancing at Storm’s watch, I saw the time and began gathering my thoughts.
“Listen, I’ve gotta go,” I said.
“Hot date?” he asked with a wink.
I laughed and shook my head. “Nope. Job interview.”
“Yeah? You don’t say. Another bar gig?”
“Office monkey,” I replied. “I figured I’d need a little less ‘effective communication’ in a place like that.”
“Okay, well, good luck.”
“Thanks.”
I stood and watched him walk the five steps off the porch to the front gate. Taking in his stature and feeling his presence for the first time, I realized something was different about him. Something good.
“Good luck, Lori,” he said, closing the gate behind him. “With everything.”
After hearing about Hamish’s mum, I couldn’t stop myself from looking up the details of her funeral.
Sitting in my car while I waited for my interview to roll around, I searched on my phone and found the information had been printed in the newspaper.
She was being buried on Saturday. This Saturday.
Lauren Rose McBride was fifty-eight years old when she passed away peacefully in her sleep from cancer. Fifty-eight. Survived by her only son, Hamish, thirty-two years old.
Wiping a tear from my eye, I pulled the rearview mirror around and checked my mascara. I’d smeared a little, so I took out a tissue from my bag and dabbed the black smudge.
Taking one last deep breath, I open the car door and slid out onto the footpath. Feeding money into the parking meter, I gave myself an internal pep talk. I needed this job, and I’d be good at it. I’d go in there and wow them despite how absolutely crap I felt.
Opening the front door to Pulse Fitness, I walked into the vast warehouse, trying to put my best game face on. The moment I emerged into the gym itself, my gaze was pulled upward to the ceiling. Giant skylights were set into the building, letting in all the natural light, brightening up the whole space tenfold.
Mats and a padded octagon were set up at the back, and next to that, was a row of punching bags. Then a bank of cardio equipment like bikes, treadmills, and cross trainers filled the center of the space. To the right were rooms that housed group fitness classes, one of which had what looked like a yoga class in full swing and a dedicated weight room.
The place was impressive, and I’d only seen part of it.
“Lori?”
At the sound of my name rolling off a very male tongue, I turned to find Ash Fuller standing beside me. He was a lot taller than I remembered and much more handsome, but I’d never seen him up close before, let alone held a conversation with the guy.
He wore a tight black T-shirt that had the word Trainer over his left pec. Pair that with his overabundance of muscles and tattoos and he looked more like a bouncer at a nightclub than a guy who owned a gym.
“Yes,” I said, holding out my hand.
“You’re punctual. I like it.” He smiled and shook my hand. “Ash Fuller.”
I wanted to say that I knew who he was, but I didn’t want to give away the fact that I used to work at The Underground. I knew he’d fought there, but I’d wanted to try to keep things aboveboard.
“Nice to meet you,” I replied, doing my best to sound confident.
“Come upstairs to the office, and we’ll have a chat.” When he saw me swallow nervously, he added, “It’s nothing major, don’t worry. I hate job interviews, too. I’m pretty sure everyone feels the same.”
Relaxing, I smiled and nodded.
Ash turned and gestured for me to follow his lead, and he took me up a set of stairs to the second level. Opening a door to the left, he waved for me to go first, and I stepped around him and into the office.
It was small, but the walls were painted in a bright, crisp white and had lots of posters and plants to brighten it up. The wall that overlooked the gym had a long window set into it, so if I stood up at the desk, I’d be able to see the whole floor below. There was also a large window looking out on the rooftops of the building next door and the sky above. All in all, it was pretty nice, and I could picture myself working here already.
“Okay,” Ash said, gesturing for me to sit at the desk. “The job is mainly office stuff. Emails, invoices, phone calls, processing memberships. Sometimes, we might send you out to pick up stuff but not often.”
Sitting on the chair, I listened intently as he rattled off the bullet points about the job and the daily goings-on at Pulse Fitness.
“Have you worked a computer before?” he asked. “Taken phone calls?”
“I don’t have any office experience per se…” I began awkwardly. “I do have a lot of years under my belt dealing with difficult customers and the challenging situations that go with them. And these days, everyone knows how to work a computer. Half an hour and a rundown of how things run and I’m sure I’ll be able to pick it up.”
Ash narrowed his eyes slightly, and I began to squirm. Shit, I’d said the wrong thing already. I really wanted this job. I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d work behind a desk, but one look at this place and I knew it was the place for me. The problem was trying to explain that to my potential boss.
Ash raised his big hand and rubbed the back of his neck. “Listen, I know you used to work the bar at The Underground. Three years, right?”
“How…” I shuffled nervously.
“We have a couple of regulars who fight over there,” he explained. “And I remember you from the old days.”
“You remember me?” I asked, tilting my head to the side. Ash Fuller remembered me from two years ago, but Hamish hadn’t even deigned to look. Some people.
“I don’t have a problem with it,” he went on with a chuckle. “I didn’t want you to feel like you had to keep it a secret. I’m pretty open about my involvement in the place. How do you think I had the cash to open Pulse? I was a deadbeat before I got my shit together.”
I sighed in relief. “I feel a lot better about it now.”
“You’re talking to the president of the ‘UA’ movement.”
I frowned. “The UA?”
“Underground Anonymous.” He
gave me a wink.
I nodded, jamming my hands underneath my thighs to stop them from shaking. I wanted this job so much…
“Listen, I know you and Hamish had a thing…” Ash glanced through the window at the gym below. “He comes in here to train sometimes. Once or twice a week.”
I knew he was asking if it was going to be a problem, and I wondered how good their friendship was. Hamish wasn’t exactly the master of telling people about shit.
“I’d be in the office most of the time,” I said, feeling a slight pang of longing at the mention of his name. “I’m sure contact would be minimal and mostly accidental. He made himself clear where he stands.” Which was anywhere I wasn’t. “I said my piece, and that’s it, I suppose.”
“Lori…”
“I really believe I’d be good at this job. I mightn’t have had the time behind the computer, but I’m a fast learner, and I really want to make a go of something new. Something legitimate.”
“Lori…”
“I’d never complain. I’d work real hard—”
“Lori,” Ash said firmly. “Shut up for a moment.”
I closed my mouth, beginning to feel like I’d stuffed up the entire interview. There was no way I was getting this job. I shouldn’t have applied knowing the owner was friends with Hamish. It was a recipe for disaster before I even sent foot in here.
“I understand a lot of where you’re coming from,” Ash began. “I don’t know why or how you ended up working in a place like that, but I’m a strong believer in giving people a chance. I know all about that. More than I’d like to admit most days. If you ask Ren about it, she’ll tell you wild stories about taming the beast.” He chuckled to himself like he was reliving the greatest moment of his life in his head. “I opened up Pulse to help people, Lori. Fighters, deadbeat kids like I used to be, people who just need a foot up. Anyone who needs it.”
“What are you saying?” I asked, not sure how to take his words. Damn, I was offended he thought I was in the category of ‘needing a hand’ but still secretly hoped he’d give me the job. Talk about whacked.
He laughed again and held out his hand. “I’m saying you can start tomorrow. What do you say?”
My gaze dropped to his hand, and my mouth fell open. “Are you serious?”
“Lesson one. Your new boss doesn’t shit around with things like this. Shake on it, Lori, before I change my mind.”
Reaching out, I grabbed his hand and shook it furiously. “Thank you. You don’t know what this means…”
He winked. “I think I have an idea.” Straightening up, he began to rattle off some things I needed to know. “Ren will help you with the computer stuff, and my sister, Vee, is on speed dial since she set this place up.” He leaned closer and murmured. “I twisted her arm. Bring in your bank and tax details in the morning, and we’ll sort all that stuff out then.”
“What time?”
“Office hours are from eight to five, but sometimes, we cut at four. Ren and I are up and about in the gym from six-thirty a.m.” He pointed out the door. “We have an apartment over the gym, so Ren and I are always here.”
“You live above your gym?” I asked, my mind being blown yet again. Talk about being serious about your work.
“Living the dream,” he said with a chuckle. “See you tomorrow?”
That was my cue to get moving while the going was still good, and I nodded. “I’ll be here. Don’t you worry.”
Thundering down the stairs and emerging into the gym, I took a look around, taking in the light and airy space that was full of fitness equipment with a healthy dose of muscled guys draped all over it. Not bad. They were fighters, but not the kind that graced The Underground and had ripped me apart in the past. No, these guys were trying for bigger things in the AUFC. I didn’t feel like I had to look over my shoulder in a place like this.
I was worried about running into Hamish, but somehow, I knew deep down he wouldn’t come back here. Ash would let him know I was part of the furniture, and that would be it.
At least now I had something to look forward to. A job with a nice boss, normal people hours, and legit pay going into the bank.
It was step one in getting on with life. Step two, which was getting over losing the love of my life, would take time.
29
Hamish
The wind was full of ice today.
It whipped around my body without a care, slicing through me like a knife. I shivered but didn’t move to button up my heavy black overcoat.
The assembled mass of people clad in black clothing was a somber sight, the only color breaking up the monotone was the shock of pink carnations that lay upon Ma’s coffin. The flowers were cheap, and the lady at the florist was confused as to why I wanted them put into a fancy wreath, but I didn’t give a shit what she or anyone else thought. They were Ma’s favorite.
I’d sat through the stream of condolences at the funeral home in a stupor, my body present, but my mind someplace far away. Ash and Ren sat with me at the front as the minister talked. I think some music played, and then Ash, Rebel, Cole, Ryan, and Cole’s brother Frank helped me carry Ma’s coffin out to the hearse.
I was sure a million other things had happened, but I was on autopilot. If I let it all in, if I allowed myself to feel her loss, I was afraid I’d never be able to surface again. Standing beside her as she was lowered into her final resting place, it was all so…final.
There had been a thousand things to do, so in one way or another, I wasn’t alone much in the past week. So much bureaucracy and red tape went into these things, more than I ever thought was possible. I’d put Ma’s belongings into storage not long after she went to the home. So there was nothing to do straight away other than organize her funeral and let the authorities know she was no longer here.
I went through her address book and notified all her friends—the friends who’d fallen away once she started to get sick. Now, standing beside the hole in the ground where the funeral director was lowering her coffin, I realized just how loved Ma really was. Everyone who was able had come.
A hand came to rest on my shoulder, and I glanced up at Ash.
“There’s someone here I think wants to see you,” he murmured into my ear.
Following his gaze, my lips parted in surprise as I caught sight of Lori lingering on the fringes of the group that had assembled in the shitty weather to pay their final respects.
The blue in her hair was bright against the black dress she wore, her hands wedged in the pockets of her leather biker jacket. The wind picked up the blue strands and flung them in her face, but she didn’t move to brush them away. Like she knew I was staring at her, her eyes found mine. A small flash of fear passed through them, but I wasn’t about to throw her out.
Ma’s words came back to me in a blaze of glory. She’s lovely. I’d feel better knowin’ she’s here with you.
I waited until the group of mourners began to disperse before I ventured toward her.
I stood beside her, not game enough to look her in the eye. She didn’t say anything at first, so we just began walking. We moved through the headstones, away from prying eyes and separating ourselves from the scene that had just played out.
We stopped underneath the branches of a large oak tree, the wind leaving us alone for the moment. I stood there, not able to open my stupid mouth to say a single word. Everything just hurt too much.
“I’m sorry. About your mother,” she finally said.
It was the first time she’d spoken to me since that day at the hospital when I threw her out, and her voice sliced through me much like the weather had moments before. I shrugged, the gesture feeling like I’d just bench-pressed the entire world.
Lori turned her face away for a moment, and when she turned back, she sighed. “I don’t know the right way to say this, but… I’m sorry for everything. I screwed up the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I’ll never forgive myself.”
She shuffled from foot to f
oot, lowering her gaze before raising it again.
Then she dropped a bomb. “I’m in love with you, Hamish.”
Her words slammed into my heart and soul, leaving me dazed like I’d been sucker-punched in the cage where I fought five nights a week. She loved me? What was I supposed to do with that today of all days?
“I’m not sure when things changed, but I realized the night Stu…” She scoffed, shaking her head. “I wanted to tell you that night… I was going to but…”
I stared at her, but nothing was registering. I was having an out-of-body experience.
“Hamish, please,” she said, her eyes misting with tears. “Please, say something…”
I couldn’t.
“I didn’t want to tell you like this,” she went on. “Not today, but I was afraid I’d never see you again.”
I waited, hoping for some kind of divine intervention.
“He never hit me,” she said hastily. “Storm. And he never did those things to that woman in America. It was all a fabrication.”
“He tell you that?” I asked, finally breaking my silence.
She nodded. “I believe him. We’ve gone our separate ways now, and he won’t be calling on me again.”
I snorted and glanced away. I was numb.
“So, that’s what I wanted to say…” She trailed off, glancing toward the place where Ma’s coffin had been lowered into the ground.
Her words were already fading into the background and being squashed into the little place I’d pushed all the feelings that were too hard to handle. I was a shell of a man, who’d just had his entire world taken from him. I didn’t know who I was without my family. I didn’t know who I was without someone to protect. How could I stand here and let her love me when I couldn’t find it within me to love her back?
“Right,” she said, her voice breaking. “I understand.”
She began to back away, slowly at first like she was hoping I’d ask her to stay, then when I didn’t do anything, she turned on her heel and fled.
