by Amity Cross
“The way you two act around one another, I would swear you had something going,” I said. “I thought you were together when I first met you. Now you’re plotting against me behind my back.”
“Well…” She hesitated, putting down her drink. Her cheeks flushed, and she glanced away. “We do hang out sometimes, but it’s just sex.”
“You do?” I stared at her like she’d just punched me in the stomach. Even with my makeover, she still outshone me, and I began to feel really small…like the mouse Liam had likened me to. Of course, he would turn to her for satisfaction. They looked perfect together. I should’ve seen it. I did see it.
Shit, and the stuff I’d told her! Only last week I’d confided I was struggling with him, and she was dropping this on me now? Jealousy twisted my heart, and I struggled to contain it. It was such an ugly emotion.
“I put a stop to it,” Faye said quickly, reading the changing emotions that were writhing all over my face.
“When?” I hardly dared to ask.
“A few days ago as soon as I realized you were into him.”
A few days ago? He’d been with her after we’d spent the night together? A wave of nausea hit me square in the chest.
I sat up straight, my jaw tensing. “Maybe I’m overreacting…but…”
“It was nothing,” Faye said. “We’ve been hanging out for months. It’s never been serious.”
“You knew I was struggling with him,” I went on. “I confided in you, and you were still…”
I felt sick. Was I making too much out of this? I didn’t know. Liam and I had never been together, and I wasn’t a fool enough to think he hadn’t slept with anyone else, but knowing Faye had been with him before and after I had stung. Was there such a thing as girl code? Or was it only a starry-eyed notion dreamed up as a plot device in the movies?
“I didn’t know it was serious between you,” Faye said fretfully. “Ali, please!”
I shook my head. “He slept with me and left right after. He knew I…he had to know. He broke my heart and didn’t give a shit. He made it clear it was only a one-time thing, and I…” I covered my face with my hands as tears started to spill down my cheeks. “I’m such an idiot. I should never have gone to The Underground.”
“He slept with you?” Faye gasped. “I warned him. I warned him to stop fooling around with me if there was something else going on. I warned him, and he didn’t listen.”
“Then maybe you should’ve said no!” I exclaimed.
“I didn’t know you had feelings for him,” she cried. “I thought it was all him. Liam and I were never serious, Ali. It was only ever casual.”
“Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t believe in casual.” I shook my head. “I tried, but I couldn’t hack it.”
“No, it’s not,” Faye said, agreeing with me. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Please leave,” I muttered, fighting back tears. My throat burned, and my fingers were turning numb. All I wanted to do was curl up and cry. Everything was so messed up, and I couldn’t see a way out. I was floundering before, but now I was drowning.
“Ali…”
“Please leave.”
Faye rose to her feet and edged around the couch. I couldn’t even look at her. It was no one’s fault, but it didn’t stop it from hurting. Liam was clear, Faye was clear…I was the one who’d been keeping my feelings bottled up. I thought I’d been doing the right thing.
The door opened and closed, signaling Faye had gone, and stillness enveloped the little space that was my apartment. It felt a great deal like square one, and I curled up on the couch, struggling to hold back a wave of sobs that were caught in my throat.
What was wrong with me? There had to be something I was doing wrong or something I was oblivious to. What was so wrong with me that I was being used over and over?
Maybe this was it. I wasn’t meant to find someone, my ‘other half.’ Maybe I was whole to begin with, and my longing was futile and pointless. Maybe I just had to come to terms with the fact that this was my life. No family, no friends, no hope, nothing.
The first tear fell, and after that, I was lost.
15
Liam
A few days passed, and tensions were rising with Viper and his cronies.
Everywhere I went at The Underground, I was watched, fighters waiting for any more vulnerabilities to manifest. Luckily, Ali didn’t come back.
It was better she kept away until after the fight with Viper, but if I was being completely honest, it was better if she didn’t come back at all. I’d been saying it all along.
“Hey.”
I glanced up from my spot on a bench in the change rooms as Rebel sat beside me.
“So?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Saturday,” he replied. “Fourth fight of the night.”
I grunted, not able to formulate a response. Four days left to prepare for a bloodbath. It wasn’t great odds, but I couldn’t cry foul. This mess was mostly my fault, and now I just had to deal with it.
My thoughts went back to Ali. Thank fuck she wouldn’t be there to see it. I would have to talk to Faye and ask if she would help keep her away. Last thing I needed—or her for that matter—was for her to show up out of the blue and be confronted with the true nature of The Underground.
“Thanks,” I muttered, my mind elsewhere.
“Is your head in this?” Rebel asked. “Because if it isn’t…”
Glaring at him, I nodded sharply. “It will be when it counts.”
“I’ll be here for you, mate.” He stood, glancing at me one more time. “You let me know if you need—”
“Thanks,” I interrupted, not wanting to hear what his offer of help entailed.
He nodded and left me alone to think about my fate, which was looking pretty grim. If I couldn’t hold my own, then…
Faye was right. She’d always been right. I was an idiot. Rubbing my eyes, I rose to my feet and went out into the warehouse. I couldn’t go into that fight knowing Ali was pissed at me. I had to fix it.
Heading straight for the bar, I spied Faye slinging her bag over her shoulder. She was going home by the looks of it, and I’d just caught her.
“Hey, Faye,” I called out.
She glanced up and immediately curled her lip, her eyes narrowing in warning. I’d done something to piss her off, but I had absolutely no bloody idea what it was. My head was so screwed up lately it could be anything. Not that it mattered since I would usually be oblivious, anyway.
“Leave me alone,” she said, turning away.
Sidestepping, I cut her off. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I had a fight with Ali,” she replied, glaring at me.
My heart twisted. “About?”
“You, you asshole. Now leave me alone.”
“No,” I said in a deep and growling voice. “Wait.”
“What’s the point, Liam?” She sighed heavily. “You were sending mixed messages to her for weeks. I warned you, and now I’ve lost a friend. A pretty cool one, if you ask me. She wanted to hang around with me because she liked me for me, you know? I wasn’t a stepping stone to her. Cock always fucks it up.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play dumb with me,” she snapped. “You slept with her, Liam! You can’t tell me you didn’t know she was into you. I wouldn’t believe it. Then you turned around and kept things going with me. You’re a pig! You’ve gone too far this time.”
“I was clear with her and you,” I said. “I never would’ve touched her if she didn’t say yes. You know that.” It was an excuse and a lame one at that.
“Yeah, she agreed, and now she’s suffering because of it. And you…” She shook her head, looking angrier than I’d ever seen her. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen her pissed at anyone before. It was terrifying.
“Me?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“You either need to fix it with her or leave her alone. For good. Y
ou can’t have it both ways.”
“Faye…”
“And I’m done with you,” she spat. “Get a grip, Liam. Otherwise, you’re going to end up alone and in a gutter.”
I grimaced, her words slicing into my gut. She didn’t know how literal that was.
I looked at her, and all I saw was the shitstorm I’d unknowingly created while I was wallowing in my own weakness. Now I was facing the consequences. Ali hated me, Faye hated me, and now I was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun with Viper on the other end. The hardest part was none of it was black and white.
When Faye snarled me one last time, I didn’t try to stop her.
I just let her go.
16
Alison
When my parents died, I was on a school trip to Sydney.
The English department had organized for the year ten media class to go and see the film studios where they’d shot films like The Matrix, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and The Great Gatsby. It was an adventure of a lifetime for a wide-eyed sixteen-year-old with plans to break into the industry. I would never make it as an actress—I was far too shy—but I’d take anything I could get behind the camera. Maybe I would be a famous director one day, accepting an Oscar for Best Picture.
I knew my parents couldn’t afford the fee, so I took a job working at the local supermarket to save up enough so I could go. I begged and pleaded with my manager to give me any spare hours they could manage and if someone rang up sick, to call me first. In the months leading up to the trip, I was working almost as many hours as I spent at school.
My parents, inspired by my dedication, decided to go camping while I was away. They’d rented a cabin at a caravan park on Phillip Island, a few hours south of Melbourne, and were going to spend the week eating fish and chips and walking on the beach.
We were happy. The future was bright, and that was all that mattered.
Until a truck took it all away.
At sixteen, I buried both my parents and went to live with my only surviving grandparent. My mum’s mother, Nanna Maree. A few days after I turned eighteen, I buried her as well.
Then I was alone, and nothing was bright again. Not until I stared into the face of a fighter named Blade.
After Faye left, I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I woke with scratchy eyes and a pounding headache, knowing I couldn’t go on like this. Wallowing, spiraling, throwing excuses at the world.
I was alone, just like I’d always been, and I had to find a way to deal with it. If that meant getting up and putting one foot in front of the other until it didn’t hurt as much, then that was what I would do.
Getting up, I showered and dressed and decided to renew my job search.
Instead of bland covering letters stating why I thought I was a good fit, I laid it all out, explaining my circumstances. Hoping it would be enough to at least land some interviews, I sent them off with fingers crossed. Couldn’t hurt. I’d tried just about everything else. Next on the list was getting down on my hands and knees and begging.
That night, I made a pot of instant noodles for dinner and stared blankly at the television, trying not to dwell. That’s when someone knocked on my door.
Clutching the remote to my chest, I muted the TV, listening. No one ever came to see me unannounced. It was a trick. If I was quiet and pretended I wasn’t home, they would go away. Maybe they got the numbers mixed up and were supposed to go to the neighbors. Yeah, that was it.
Another knock sounded. “Ali?”
I froze, my heart leaping into my throat. Liam?
“Ali? C’mon, open up.”
Scrambling to my feet, I dropped the remote and crept to the front door. Opening it a crack, Liam’s broad shoulders came into view, and his gaze met mine. My heart leapt into my throat, and I tightened my grip on the handle, attempting to steady myself.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know why he was here. Was it a lame attempt at a booty call? To apologize and make sure he was free and clear of a stalking attempt by a heartsick moron?
Peering at him through the gap, everything started to ache. “What do you want?”
“Can I come in?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“I just… I just want to make things right,” he said, placing his hand on the security door. “Please, let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to say,” I replied. “I got in over my head. Lesson learned.”
“You think this is your fault?” His eyes widened. “Ali, I was the one who fucked up.”
Frowning, I ran over the events of the past months. I was the one who was stupid. I’d walked into The Underground like a lamb to the slaughter. I’d placed my trust in a man who warned me not to. I’d slept with him, believing I could handle it when he inevitably moved on to other conquests. The only person who fucked up was me. I was naive.
Liam closed his hand over the handle on the security door. “Can I please come in?”
Making a snap decision, I unlocked the security door and retreated into the living room. Liam came in, his footsteps heavy on the laminate flooring.
Peering at him out the corner of my eye, I watched as he stood in the middle of the room, glancing around before turning to face me.
I couldn’t meet his gaze, so I stared at the wood grain between my toes. “Explain.”
“At first, it was all about saving you from Mountain, but you came back…”
Remembering the moment I’d had my naivety shoved down my throat, I cringed.
“You were interesting,” he went on. “A breath of fresh air if you believe in that kind of shit. I could tell straight off the bat you needed some confidence, and that’s why I introduced you to Faye. I thought you would become too attached to me.” He snorted. “But I couldn’t leave you alone. I just wanted to tap that. I used you, Ali. None of it was your fault. I used your vulnerability to get laid.”
I scowled, his words slicing into my already battered heart. It sounded like he was rattling off items on a grocery list. His confession read like a script he was reciting off a teleprompter, and it rubbed me the wrong way. Either this was a cruel joke or he was hiding something.
“We can’t see each other anymore,” he continued. “You can’t go back to The Underground. I’m a bastard, but I’m not about to let you get molested by Mountain or Viper. There are lines even I won’t cross.”
“You still don’t understand,” I muttered.
“I’m doing you a favor.”
“Stop it!” I cried, finally able to look him in the eye. “Why even come here if you’re only going to shit all over me? Is this your fucked-up idea of closure?”
“I’m saving you from worse, Ali. I’m exactly like Viper,” he replied. “I only care about using women for a quick fuck, winning in the cage, getting rich with my fists, and being adored by a bunch of criminals. I’m shallow, arrogant, and completely worthless.”
“You’re nothing like that!”
“Yes, I am,” he said angrily. “That’s why I’m not any good for you. You’re different, so you’ve gotta get out before you’re sucked any deeper.”
“You’ve got to stop this self-destructive bullshit!” I cried. “You’re not worthless!”
“It’s not self-destructive if it’s the truth.”
“How would you know? You didn’t even try!”
“You didn’t try, either,” he said, his lip curling.
“I didn’t try to start anything after that night because you made it very clear you didn’t want anything more,” I said, fighting back tears. “You made it clear even though I wanted you. I knew it was a dangerous path to follow, so I tried to put you out of my mind. But I…”
“Don’t lay this all on me. I was trying to protect you.”
“I don’t need protecting!” I yelled. “Not from you!”
He jabbed a finger at himself. “Especially from me.”
“Stop lying! Just stop it, Liam!”
He was seething, his chest rising and falli
ng as he sucked in short, sharp breaths.
“Tell the truth for once in your life,” I pleaded. “You come here tonight wanting to set things straight, you keep showing up when I try to move on, you help me, you seek me out… Yet you push me away at the same time, sabotaging yourself. Is it so you have an excuse not to start something with anyone? With me? I would hate to be arrogant to think you gave a shit since you were fucking my friend behind my back while you practically led me on, showering me with excuses and—”
“Because everyone leaves!” he roared, fisting his hands into his hair. “Everyone leaves. Everyone. You happy?”
“If you wanted…” I flinched away, my back hitting the wall. “If you wanted me to stay, I would have.”
“You…” He bit his lip and turned, his hand wrapping around the door handle. “I’m a selfish prick. You deserve better.”
He was leaving, right when things were getting rough. Again. He was leaving before anyone had the chance to leave him. I knew it without a doubt because it was something I would do. Takes one to know one.
I hissed, resisting the urge to slap him right in the face. “For the record, Liam…right now? This is you leaving. Not the other way around.”
His shoulders tensed.
“Liam,” I said firmly, hoping and pleading he would turn around.
The only person who was in the way of him getting everything he ever wanted was himself. He was so focused on getting by and collecting points for the Championship he didn’t see what was right under his nose. We were two different people, but our reactions were the same. I realized what I had been doing, why I’d sunk so low, and now I could try to find a way to overcome it. Liam didn’t see it yet.
All this was about taking a risk. It would either pay off or it wouldn’t.
“Liam,” I said again. “We’re both at the bottom. We can help each other… Please.”
Turn around…
Nothing happened for a long time. He was frozen, his hand curled around the door handle as he struggled with whatever battle he was fighting in his mind.
