by Brian Tracy
Negative habit patterns also trigger feelings of anxiety and nervousness, accompanied by perspiration, rapid heartbeat and emotional responses such as irritation, impatience and angry outbursts. The more deeply entrenched the negative habit pattern, the more extreme will be your reaction to the situation.
You learn the fear of failure, of inhibition, characterized by the words, “I can’t,” in three different ways.
First, you learn it by repeated association with a particular event, coupled with destructive criticism or physical punishment. If a child is spanked every time he or she touches the piano, he or she will eventually develop a conditioned response of fear that can be triggered by the very thought of playing a piano.
A doctor in my seminar told me how he was beaten by an alcoholic father when he was a child. The father would jump up from his chair without warning and hit the boy. Now, fifty years later, if the doctor even sees someone on television jump up quickly, his whole body reacts exactly as if he’s about to be attacked. His solar plexus tightens up. His heart rate jumps. He begins to perspire. He shakes all over. This is a conditioned response caused by childhood trauma, and he will probably never get over it.
Second, you can learn a negative habit pattern as the result of subtle negative influences that you may not be aware of. Some people accept criticism of themselves unquestioningly as if they were actually true. Others believe the negative qualities described in their horoscopes. Some people do things poorly the first time and conclude they have no aptitude in that area.
The important thing for you to do is to continually ask yourself, “What if I had the capacity to be really good in that area?” Then, assume that you do have the inherent ability and go to work on yourself. When you begin casting off the bonds of your self-limiting beliefs and fears, you’ll find that there are very few obstacles in front of you. They’re almost all in your mind, in your automatic responses.
The third way you can learn a negative habit pattern or fearful response is as the result of a single traumatic event of some kind.
One particularly frightening experience, such as almost drowning or falling as a child, can give you an “irrational” fear of water or heights for life. The very thought of doing that particular thing triggers in you a form of paralysis.
Sometimes these fears are called phobias, and they can be progressive. One negative experience, continually dwelled upon and relived, can become a major fear that affects much of your life and seriously interferes with your happiness.
The key word here is “irrational.” The situation triggers feelings of extreme anxiety and you become angry about it—but you don’t know why. The very thought of it upsets you and interferes with your work or your relationships.
One of your requirements for becoming a positive person is to clear your mental decks, to blow out your subconscious tubes, and this requires that you identify and deal with any fears that could be holding you back.
Talk out your fears with a good friend or spouse. Others often can see things that you can’t. Consult a psychologist or psychiatrist if necessary. A professional therapist can often help you to free yourself of mental obstacles that have been blocking your progress for years.
The second major type of negative habit pattern that children learn is the compulsive. The compulsive negative habit pattern is learned by the child when he or she is told over and over again, “You’d better, or else.” Parents say, “If you don’t do, or stop doing, something or other, you are in big trouble.” To the child, trouble with parents always means the withdrawal of love and approval.
When parents make their love conditional upon the child’s performance or behavior, the child soon internalizes the message that “I am not loved and therefore I am not safe until and unless I do what pleases my mommy and daddy. Therefore, I have to do what pleases them. I have to do what makes them happy. I have to do what they want. I have to, I have to, I have to.”
This compulsive negative habit pattern develops when parents make their love conditional rather than unconditional. It manifests itself in the fear of rejection. And the fear of rejection is the second major reason for failure and underachievement in adult life.
If you were raised with conditional love, you can tell because of the way you feel as an adult. You will be overly concerned, if not obsessed, with the opinions of others, especially with the opinions of your parents, spouse, boss or friends.
The word is “overly.” It’s normal and natural to be considerate of the thoughts and feelings of others. It is this concern for and respect for people’s opinions that serves as the glue that holds society together. Otherwise, we would have chaos.
But carried to an extreme, like all fears, it can be paralyzing. It can reach the point where people are incapable of making a decision for themselves until they have received approval from someone else.
We need and strive for the respect of other people, but superior people, self-actualizing men and women, have sufficient confidence in themselves to consider the opinions of others and then make their own decisions based on what they feel is right for them.
Remember, we’re all afraid. Especially, we fear criticism and disapproval. We will go to great lengths to earn the goodwill and acceptance of people we look up to. We will make sacrifices of all kinds to be liked. Soldiers will even risk their lives not to let others down.
But you need to be constantly aware of this insidious influence. It can, as Francis Bacon wrote, “make a man who can in no way be true to his own ends.”
In each situation in which the opinions of others are involved, ask yourself, “What do I really want to do? What would make me the happiest?” Then make your decisions for the person who is going to have to live with them—yourself.
The compulsive negative habit pattern is experienced physically in the form of tension in the neck and shoulders and pain in the lower back. It is usually manifested whenever you feel overloaded, “under the gun,” or when you have too much to do and too little time. These physical pains are a major result of stress and overwork. They can lead to serious psychosomatic illnesses.
Women tend to manifest the fear of rejection in depression, withdrawal and physical symptoms. Men tend to manifest this compulsive negative habit pattern in what is called “Type A behavior.” This behavior usually stems from the relationship between the father and the son, or the father and the daughter. It is caused by the feeling of the child that he or she never got the proper quality and quantity of love from his or her father.
For men, this unconscious striving for love from their fathers is transferred, in adult life, to the boss in the workplace. Type A behavior is then manifested as an over-concern for the approval of the boss. In extreme cases, this can cause a man to become obsessive about his work, even to the point of ruining his health and his family.
I remember when my father died, I took it very badly. I felt that I had never been able to get it right—that I had never done the things necessary to get his complete love and acceptance. Two years after his death, I still felt a great sense of loss and emptiness whenever I thought about him.
Then, one evening, I took my mother out to dinner and shared my feelings with her. She was surprised and told me that I had no reason to be sad or upset. She explained that my father had never had very much love to give to anyone.
Because of his childhood and early experiences, he had very little love for himself, and therefore very little for his children, including me. She told me that there was nothing that I could have done to get more love than I got.
Over time, I have found that most men who suffer from Type A behavior are still trying to earn the love and respect of their fathers. But what I learned after my father died was that, whatever love you get, or got, from your father, that was all he had to give. There is nothing that you could have done, and nothing that you can do now, to change it. Once you understand and accept that, you can relax a little and then get on with the rest of your life.
T
HE SELF-CONCEPT IN BUSINESS
Every group of people, from a couple to a large organization, forms a self-concept. It is the overall personality of the people when they’re together, or when they think of themselves as part of a larger whole. It can be called morale, or the culture, but it is much more. It is the general psychological tone of the organization. Above all, it is how happy the individuals are as part of the larger group. It is how proud and confident they feel, or don’t feel, in their membership in the greater entity.
Each couple has a self-concept. It is the way they see themselves and feel about themselves when they are together. It’s expressed in the amount they laugh together, or don’t laugh. Couples and families with positive self-concepts are happy and enthusiastic about each other and about being together. Couples and families with negative self-concepts are characterized by constant complaining, criticizing and arguing.
Corporations have self-concepts as well, as does each division, department, or human grouping within the corporation, right down to the personality of the clean-up crew that comes in after hours.
The self-concept of a business is made up of three basic ingredients. The first, the self-ideal, is a combination of the vision, values, ethics and mission of the organization. Wherever these are clear and positive and committed to by top management, the people in the company are happier, more positive and more confident about themselves and where they’re going.
One of the most profound and unavoidable responsibilities of management (or parents) is to clearly articulate this self-ideal, and then to embody their values in their behavior toward others, to repeatedly tell others what they stand for and believe in and then lead by example.
The second ingredient of the company’s self-concept is the collective self-image. This is the way the company’s management and employees see themselves and think about themselves. This self-image is largely determined by how well they feel they are doing their job, performing their functions. It is especially affected by the quality of their products and services, and by the way they feel they are perceived in the marketplace by their customers and suppliers.
When I work with companies whose sales are up, whose market share is growing and whose profits are respectable, everyone seems happy, outgoing and confident. When I deal with companies that are struggling, in the marketplace or for internal reasons, the employees are often like members of a team that is losing too many games. They are unhappy, unsure and negative about their prospects. They take it out on each other by criticizing, complaining and backbiting.
One of the jobs of the executive or team leader is to keep people’s spirits up by continually telling them how good they are. Everyone looks upward for guidance on how to interpret what’s happening. The executive’s job is to keep morale high by putting the best possible spin on events and by keeping people focused on the possibilities of the future, rather than the problems of the past.
The final ingredient of the organization’s self-concept, self-esteem, is the sum total of the ideals of the corporation, the current performance of the organization and how well each person feels he or she is being treated by superiors and coworkers. Managers who continually praise and encourage their people build high self-esteem in them. This high self-esteem is demonstrated in optimism, energy, creativity, cooperation and commitment. It is the hardest ingredient of all to build and maintain, but people who like and respect themselves as part of a first-class team become a powerful force in a competitive marketplace. They become a victory just looking for a place to happen.
A company, organization, department, division, work team or family with a positive self-concept is one in which people feel terrific about themselves. Creating such a group is the highest art of management. It is the supreme skill of the individual in society. With a high, positive self-concept people are more productive, more resilient, more confident and happier than they could ever be without it.
With this kind of team or family, you can do wonderful things. You can fulfill your potential as you help others to fulfill theirs.
LIFE’S GREATEST THREAT
The greatest problem of human life is fear. It is fear that robs us of happiness. It is fear that causes us to settle for far less than we are capable of. It is fear that is the root cause of negative emotions, unhappiness and problems in human relationships.
The only good thing about fear, if there is anything good, is that it is learned, and because of this, it can be unlearned.
The fear of failure and the fear of rejection are learned responses, programmed into you before the age of six. These fears usually set the upper and lower limits of your comfort zone. Because of them, you do enough not to be criticized or rejected on the low side, and you stay well within your limits so you can avoid risk or failure on the high side. Once you’ve slipped into your comfort zone, you stay there, attempting to avoid any feeling of fear or anxiety. Your fears hold you back from most of what is possible for you.
The opposite of fear is love, starting with self-love, or self-esteem. There is an inverse or opposite relationship between self-esteem and fears of all kinds. The more you like yourself, the less you fear failure and rejection. The more you like yourself, the more willing you are to reach out and take the risks that will lead you on to success and happiness. The more you like yourself, the more willing you are to take the actions that propel you out of your comfort zone and toward the achievement of your real goals and desires.
You begin the process of raising your self-esteem and overriding your fears by repeating the powerful words, “I like myself! I like myself! I like myself!” over and over.
Start off each day by repeating “I like myself” fifty or one hundred times until the words penetrate your subconscious mind. You will soon see and feel the difference in your self-confidence, your competence and your relationships with others. You will start to feel wonderful about yourself.
PROGRAMMING YOUR MIND FOR SUCCESS
Because of your self-concept, you become what you think about most of the time. Your dominant thoughts and aspirations become your reality. The things you think about, and the way you think about them, determine your levels of health, wealth and happiness in every area of your life. You can tell how much you really want anything by how willing you are to discipline your thinking in such a way that you keep your mind on only the things you want, and off of the things you don’t want.
You have created your life today by all of your previous thinking. You are where you are and what you are because of yourself. You can change your future at any time by taking control of your conscious mind from this point forward. You can make your life into something wonderful—an experience of freedom, joy, health, happiness and prosperity—simply by deciding to do so, and by refusing to entertain any contradictory thoughts at the same time. It’s up to you.
Because of the nature of your multidimensional mind, you can rewrite your master program by deliberately bombarding your mind with a series of messages, framed in different ways and coming from several directions. If you wanted to become physically fit, you would do exercises that engaged your whole body. If you want to become mentally fit, positive and healthy, you ensure that the messages coming into your conscious mind are consistent with the ideal life you want to live.
This change in the person you are, so you can enjoy the life you really want, is not easy. It has taken you your whole life to get to where you are today, with your current state of mind. It will take considerable effort on your part to change. Fortunately, it’s worth it, and the results you get will be both rapid and out of all proportion to the effort you put in.
HOMEOSTASIS
To achieve different results, you must become a different person. You must change your goals and ideals for yourself and develop a new self-image. By the Law of Correspondence, your outer world will reflect your inner world. You must become a new person on the inside to permanently experience the good you desire on the outside.
The first and for most
people the most difficult obstacle you will face is within yourself. It is your unconscious striving to remain consistent with what you’ve said and done in the past that holds you back.
This “homeostatic impulse” is another term for your comfort zone. It is your unconscious tendency to be drawn irresistibly toward doing what you’ve always done. This inability to break free of the tentacles of the past is the reason most people accomplish far less than they are capable of and remain unfulfilled and dissatisfied for most of their lives.
Homeostasis is neither good nor bad. It is a natural mechanism built in to you as part of your “standard equipment” to enable you to function automatically in a great number of areas. This mechanism keeps your body at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. It maintains chemical balance in your billions of cells and governs your autonomic nervous system. It is indispensable to the proper physical functioning of your body.
Whenever you think, say or do something contrary to your current habits, your homeostatic impulse attempts to pull you back into your comfort zone by making you feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Because you always move from discomfort toward comfort, you tend to move back toward what you’re comfortable doing and move away from things that are new and challenging.
This is quite normal. Doing something different from what you’re accustomed to makes you feel tense and uneasy. Even thinking about doing something different can be stressful. Moving out of your comfort zone can be so nerve-wracking, in fact, that most people never do it until they are forced to.
Your natural tendency, if you are forced out of your comfort zone, even if you weren’t happy in it, is to recreate a new comfort zone similar to the one you just left. You will actually work to recreate a situation you didn’t like in the first place.
