by Brian Tracy
The first group, the Evaders, were put into a room where each person was hooked up to an electrode that gave him or her a mild electric shock every sixty seconds. There was a clock on the wall located where the students could see it. Every time the second hand passed the number twelve, the students received a shock to their fingertips.
When the Evaders were hooked up to the electrode, they engaged in a variety of behaviors to distract themselves as the second hand moved toward the twelve. The researchers had put a video camera in the clock so they could observe the faces and eyes of the students from that viewpoint. As the second hand came up to the twelve, the most noteworthy behavior of the Evaders was that they refused to look at the clock when it signaled that the shock was coming. Instead, they looked away. They evaded facing the symbol of their stress and discomfort.
At the end of the experiment, the Evaders were tested. Their heart rates, their respiratory rates and their blood pressures, all good indicators of stress, were 30 to 40 percent above their rates as measured before the test.
Then the students identified as Confronters were brought into the room. They were also hooked up to the electrodes and told that they would receive a mild electric shock each time the second hand crossed the twelve.
The researchers watched the Confronters through the hidden camera. The most noticeable difference between the Confronters and the Evaders was that, although the Confronters engaged in the same behavior to distract themselves and to take their minds off the coming shock, when the second hand came up to the twelve, all of the Confronters were looking straight at the clock and were mentally prepared to take the shock on the ends of their fingers.
At the end of the experiment, the Confronters’ blood pressure and heart rates were almost exactly the same as they had been before the test.
Men and women who squarely confront their problems and difficulties are far healthier than those who evade them. They are far happier than those who hope that they will go away or take care of themselves. The more willing you are to honestly confront the difficulties and challenges facing you, the happier and healthier you will be.
THE KEY TO INNER STRENGTH
By continually facing your problems honestly and objectively, you become a more confident and competent person. You become stronger and more self-reliant. You stop being afraid of unpleasant situations in your work or personal life. You deal with life as it is, not as you wish it were.
To be your own psychotherapist, to achieve inner peace and outer effectiveness, there is a simple question you can ask yourself whenever you feel unhappy or “out of sorts” for any reason. Assume first of all that your discontent is caused from within. Then turn into yourself and ask this key question, “What is it in my life that I am not facing?”
This is a tough question that forces you to be totally honest with yourself. It forces you to stop fooling yourself by pretending that all is well. “What is it in my life that I’m not facing?”
You could be in the wrong job. You could be in the wrong relationship. You may feel that someone else is better than you are at your chosen profession. With men, denial is usually associated with their work. With women, denial is most often associated with problems in their relationships. Each person is especially sensitive in areas in which his or her self-esteem is most involved. You often practice denial in parts of your life in which change is seen as both inevitable and threatening.
No matter what the reason might be for your unhappiness, you must be willing to ask yourself, “What is it in my life that I’m not facing?”
Then you ask, “What is the worst thing it could possibly be?”
When I first started using this technique, I identified the worst possible thing it could be in my life as something being wrong with my marriage. That would involve the greatest amount of embarrassment and emotional upset for me. So I would ask myself, “Am I happy in my marriage?”
I would force myself to answer the question honestly. As it happened, my answer was always, “Yes.”
Once that particular possibility was out of the way, I would then go on to ask myself if it could possibly have to do with my work. If not that, what other area of my life could it be? Eventually, I would find the cause of the stress and then take action to deal with it.
Usually, because confrontation is so painful, people try to fool themselves. They will say that the reason they are unhappy is that they got a parking ticket or that they had lost something. This is just a way of avoiding the real issue.
Whenever you begin to suffer physical or mental pain of any kind it usually means that what you are refusing to face is tied up with your ego. You need to search it out, whatever it is, like a detective, so that you can face it squarely. Go through the rooms of your mind, as if you were going through a darkened house with a flashlight, and shine the glare of honest confrontation on each of your problems.
There is always a price you can pay to be free from any unhappiness. There is always something that you can start doing or stop doing. And you always know what the price is. The only question you must answer is, “Are you willing to pay the price?”
PAY THE PRICE
The rule is: Whatever the price is, pay it! You are going to have to pay it sooner or later, and the sooner you pay it the sooner you will be free from whatever it is that is bothering you.
Never compromise your peace of mind for anything. Set peace of mind as your highest goal and organize every part of your life around it. If you ever trade your peace of mind for something else, you will end up with neither. If you trade your peace of mind for a job, you will end up with neither your peace of mind nor the job. If you trade your peace of mind for a relationship, you will end up with neither the relationship nor your peace of mind.
There seems to be something in nature that demands that you be true to your sense of inner peace. If you are ever false to your internal standards you will always suffer the consequences. You will always end up paying, and the price will always outweigh any temporary benefit or advantage you obtained.
THE DESTROYER OF HAPPINESS
The seventh source of stress and negativity is the phenomenon of anger. Anger is perhaps the most destructive of all negative emotions. Outbursts of anger can cause heart attacks, strokes, burst blood vessels, ulcers, migraine headaches, asthma and skin diseases of all kinds. Uncontrolled anger ruins marriages and relationships, destroys the personalities of growing children, loses jobs and careers and causes more unhappiness than any other emotion.
The remarkable thing about anger is that it is largely unnecessary. Nothing good ever comes from it. It is a purely destructive negative emotion that you can largely eliminate if you decide to.
Anger comes from within you, not from without. It comes from the person you are, not from what people say or do. No one makes you angry. Nothing causes you to feel anger. Anger is a response that you choose to a particular situation. You can decide to respond to difficulties in a calm, positive manner, or you can decide to respond with anger. You are always free to choose.
WHAT SETS YOU OFF?
Anger is triggered by pain, or by a perception that someone is attacking you, or that you are being taken advantage of. Often anger is caused by frustrated expectations. It is a reaction you have when things don’t work out, or when people do not behave the way you expected. Anger can be set off by a fear of loss of some kind. Often you become angry if you feel you are being victimized, or being dealt with unfairly.
In every case, it is your perception that triggers the feeling of anger. It is the way you interpret the event to yourself. When you see yourself as a victim, your natural response will be to become angry. You may even strike back verbally or physically to protect yourself or to get even.
When you perceive that you are a victim of some kind of aggression, you send a signal to your autonomic nervous system that you are in danger. Immediately, your autonomic nervous system sends a message to your adrenal cortex, and adrenaline is secreted into your blood
stream. The adrenaline causes your heart and respiratory rates to increase rapidly. Your blood pressure goes up and your system goes on to “Red Alert,” ready to protect, defend and counterattack.
Your entire body prepares for either fight or flight. If you become angry repeatedly, your resistance to anger becomes weaker and weaker. You become angry faster and faster. Eventually you have no resistance left. Anger then becomes your automatic response to any perceived problem in your environment. Some people are angry all the time. Everything and everyone makes them angry because of their perception that they are victims and under attack from a hostile world.
FIGHT OR FLIGHT?
High blood pressure is caused primarily by a pattern of angry responses. You become angry. Your blood pressure goes up. Your body prepares for fight or flight, but in a short while the situation passes and your blood pressure goes back down. Each time you become angry, your blood pressure goes up, and then down again. Eventually your blood pressure simply stays up.
The solution to high blood pressure is usually not a change of medication, but a change of attitude toward the inevitable ups and downs of day-to-day life.
Angry outbursts are a mark of weakness. They demonstrate immaturity and a lack of control. Someone who gets angry all the time is responding like a child, with no self-discipline or self-restraint.
Make two decisions: first, get your anger under control; and second, stop using anger as a response to things you don’t like. Resolve to be more patient, and to withhold judgment until you’ve studied the situation and asked a few questions to slow yourself down.
WHY ANGER ACCUMULATES
Once you become angry, your entire body prepares for retaliation. However, in a civilized society this retaliation is usually frustrated, for one of three reasons.
First, retaliation or counterattack may not be possible. If someone cuts you off in traffic, or leaves a dent in your car while you’re shopping, you may become angry but there is little you can do about it. The other person is long gone. The anger builds up inside you but has no outlet.
Second, retaliation is usually not acceptable. If someone is rude to you or if your boss chews you out, it is not appropriate for you to shout back or physically assault him or her. You may become angry but you end up holding the anger inside, where it accumulates.
Third, retaliation is often not advisable. If a 350-pound former football player bumps into you in a bar or a restaurant, you might become angry but you would be foolish to strike back at him. If you came back to your car and there was a gang of Hell’s Angels sitting on it you would be well advised to keep your anger inside. So you suppress it.
In each case, once you become angry, if you don’t do something to get it out of your system, it builds up and eventually poisons your body. Sustained anger actually changes the chemical composition of your blood. Eventually it will erupt in skin diseases, ulcers, migraine headaches or much worse. You will express the built-up anger at members of your family, or at people who can’t defend themselves, such as employees or the staffs of other companies.
STOP IT AT THE OUTSET
The best way to deal with anger is refrain from becoming angry in the first place. Resolve in advance that you will not allow yourself to become upset. Take control of your tendency to blame or lash out by catching yourself and repeating, over and over, “I am responsible, I am responsible, I am responsible.”
You may not be responsible for being cut off in traffic but you are definitely responsible for the way you choose to respond. You will be far more effective if you respond calmly and constructively. And you will feel much better as well.
GROSS PHYSICAL IMPACT ACTIVITY
However, if you have already become angry, you can dispel anger through contact. Dr. Hans Selye called this “gross physical impact activity.” He found in his stress research that making contact of some kind relieves anger. The anger passes from your body into whatever you are making contact with.
Selye found that you can dispel anger through one of four outlets: your hands, your feet, your teeth or your voice. You can get rid of anger by hitting, kicking, biting or screaming.
Any sport that requires hitting something with your hands dispels anger. Racquetball, handball, volleyball, baseball and basketball are all excellent ways to transfer anger from the body into the ball. Hitting a bucket of golf balls on a driving range is a real tonic for the nerves. Men and women in high-stress occupations often find themselves attracted to these sports because they feel so much better after an hour of batting something around. All their anger is dispelled into the ball or object.
Much of acne in adolescents and most skin breakouts in adults is caused by repressed anger. It can be dispelled through gross physical impact activity.
One concerned father whose son was bothered by acne bought him a huge block of wood and a big box of tenpenny nails. He then gave him a hammer and had him spend ten to twenty minutes each day hammering these large nails into the block of wood. The boy’s acne cleared up in less than two weeks.
Another father bought his son a cord of wood and an axe and put him to work chopping wood every evening after school. With this gross physical impact activity, the boy’s acne cleared up completely in a few days.
Any kind of sport in which kicking is involved, such as football or soccer, is excellent for dispelling anger. The very act of kicking something serves as an outlet. You often see angry people stamp their feet in exasperation, as an unconscious attempt to get rid of pent-up feelings of anger.
However, many forms of exercise, such as running, swimming or cycling, don’t dispel anger because they involve little or no contact. They may help you reduce stress or lose weight, but they don’t reduce anger.
You can dispel anger by eating something that requires a lot of chewing. Often when you’re hungry for a steak, it is because you’re feeling frustrated or angry and chewing the steak vigorously dispels the anger from your body into the meat. After a hearty, heavy dinner, you feel more relaxed because much of your anger is gone.
Screaming is another way in which people, both adults and children, get rid of their anger. It’s a common form of release. Children develop anger as a result of feeling small and helpless. They scream to vent their frustrations. So do many adults.
There is a form of psychotherapy called “primal.” In treatment, patients are encouraged to scream in the presence of trained psychotherapists. They are taught to release suppressed anger built up from childhood. It’s often very effective in helping people get a grip on their emotions. It certainly beats suppression of anger on the one hand or screaming at your loved ones on the other.
In a vicious fight between two very angry people, they will hit, kick, scream and bite. These reactions are all ways of expelling anger. Often, after a loud disagreement or physical battle, the two combatants will become lovers or good friends. All the anger is gone; only good feelings remain.
THE COGNITIVE CONTROL METHOD
Your goal is to become a low-stress, high-performance personality. To achieve this, you must use the “cognitive control” method already discussed here. Performing at your best requires that you use your ability to think and to control your emotional responses. Practice the Law of Substitution. Deliberately think positive thoughts. Think optimistically. Think constructively. If you deliberately select a positive thought, you cannot simultaneously think a negative or stressful thought. You substitute the positive for the negative.
Repeat to yourself, “I like myself,” or “I am responsible.” Keep your mind fixed on your goal. Since a goal is inherently positive, when you force yourself to think continually about your goals, you keep your mind positive and optimistic most of the time.
If another person makes you angry, practice the Law of Forgiveness. Let go of any feelings of anger or resentment. Remember, forgiveness is a perfectly selfish act. Your job, your responsibility, is to keep yourself calm and positive rather than allowing things to make you angry and upset. If this r
equires letting go of negative feelings you have toward anyone else, do it! It’s your key to happiness, peace of mind and long life.
SET PEACE OF MIND AS YOUR HIGHEST GOAL
You take complete charge of your inner life by deciding that you are going to set peace of mind as your highest goal. Organize your life around this goal. Become a psychological detective and carefully investigate any thoughts, opinions, attitudes or responses that cause you stress of any kind. When you deliberately set peace of mind as your organizing principle, you become a more positive person. You become more relaxed and likable. You enjoy better health and you accomplish much more than you ever could otherwise.
ACTION EXERCISE
Examine your life and identify one area in which you experience stress or anxiety. Write out a clear definition of the stressful situation. Then write out a list of all the things that you can do immediately to alleviate this stressful situation. Think in terms of facing it squarely and taking some positive action to address it. Be active rather than passive.
What is there in your life that you’re not facing? What is the worst that it could possibly be? Go systematically through each area of your life and clear it up. Make each part of your day a source of pleasure and satisfaction rather than a cause of stress and anxiety. Set inner peace as your highest goal and you’ll probably never make another mistake.
CHAPTER 9
Mastering Human Relationships
