by Brian Tracy
WHAT CONDITIONS PRODUCE HIGH ACHIEVERS?
Dr. David McClelland of Harvard, author of The Achieving Society, did many years of research into parenting and how parenting styles affected achievement motivation in children. He found that there were two primary characteristics of the households that produced high achievers, defined as boys and girls who began to achieve noteworthy things in their teens and early twenties.
A DEMOCRATIC ENVIRONMENT
The first characteristic of both the household and the parenting style that produced high achievers was that it was democratic. The opinions of the children were solicited and respected. The children were encouraged to give their input on family decisions from an early age. They were asked what they thought and how they felt. Their input was carefully considered. The children’s opinions weren’t necessarily acted upon in every case. But the children’s thoughts and ideas were valued. The whole family took time to discuss and agree upon matters together.
There are few things that make a child feel better than to be treated as an intelligent, thinking person by his or her parents. When you treat children as if they are important and intelligent, they will surprise you with how smart and insightful they really are.
Often around our dinner table, when I am wrestling with a problem at work, I will explain it in simple terms to Christina, who is twelve, and ask for her advice. She often comes up with remarkable insights. The old saying, “From the mouths of babes,” turns out to be very true. Children can sometimes see situations with an objectivity and clarity their parents lack. When you ask for your child’s advice in any situation, you may be surprised at the quality of the answer you get. But the most important thing is that you ask. This builds the child’s self-esteem and sense of personal worth. Asking your child for his or her opinions or advice is a sign of how much you respect him or her, and it increases his or her self-respect.
POSITIVE EXPECTATIONS
The second characteristic of parents who raise high achievers is that of “positive expectations.” High-achieving young people grow up in homes in which their parents are continually telling them how much they believe in them and how confident they are that they are going to do good work and accomplish great things with their lives.
When you say to your child, “You can do it,” or “I believe in you,” you encourage him or her to believe in himself or herself. You encourage your child to attempt more than he or she would in the absence of your words of encouragement. Children who grow up as the recipients of positive expectations always do better at everything they attempt.
Here’s an important point. Positive expectations are not the same as demands. Many parents think that they are expressing positive expectations when in fact they are simply demanding that their children perform to a particular standard. A demand is always associated with conditional love, with the idea that if the child does not perform to expectations, the love and support of the parent will be withdrawn.
It is important to convey to your children that, no matter how well or poorly they do, you love them totally and unconditionally. If the child feels that your love will be withdrawn if he or she performs poorly, your child will be nervous and insecure. Even if your child does well, he or she will get no pleasure and no lasting satisfaction from his or her success.
HOMEWORK AND EDUCATION
Parents who raise high-achieving young people have specific attitudes toward homework. They are very clear about the importance of homework and of doing well in school. They insist that their children complete their school assignments on time. In every single study, the single most important factor accounting for high scholastic achievement is the parents’ attitude toward learning and their involvement in the child’s education.
One determinant of excellent schoolwork is where and when the homework is done. In the homes that produced high achievers, the homework was done at the family dinner table before or after dinner, with the television off, and in the presence of the parents. The parents volunteered to help the children with their homework and to familiarize themselves with their children’s assignments if necessary.
Low achievers, on the other hand, came from homes in which the parents sent the children to their rooms to do their homework, if they took any interest in the homework at all. When children are sent to their rooms to do their homework, the message they receive is that the homework, and therefore the schoolwork, is not important. Children who do not learn to complete their homework by the age of ten are very seldom able to do good schoolwork later in their academic careers.
If you want your children to do their best at school, you must get totally involved in every phase of their education. As I’ve said before, life is the study of attention. You always pay more attention to that which you most value. When you pay close attention to the schoolwork and school activities of your child, he or she places a far higher value and importance on those activities. If you ignore his or her homework and schoolwork, the child gets the message that they are unimportant and tends to ignore them as well.
BUILD THEIR SELF-ESTEEM
You can help build your child’s self-esteem by teaching him or her to say, “I like myself,” from an early age. I have them stand in front of the mirror and repeat, “I like myself, I like myself, I like myself.” Children who learn to build and maintain their own levels of self-esteem have far better self-concepts than children who do not.
Children with high, positive self-concepts do well in school. They do not engage in vandalism or get into trouble. They don’t do destructive things to their bodies. They are more capable of resisting the negative influences of their peer groups. They have stronger characters.
Children with high self-concepts, high self-esteem, are independent in their thinking. They are more likely to think for themselves, and to orient themselves toward success, achievement and personal fulfillment. They are more focused on realizing their potential than on compensating for their deficiencies.
When your child feels terrific about himself or herself, he or she develops better judgment about the things that are good for him or her in the long term. He or she develops the ability to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the future.
SET A GOOD EXAMPLE
If you really want to raise happy, healthy, self-confident children you need to set a good example, to be a role model of the kind of person you want them to become.
Children learn largely by imitation during their formative years. They learn by watching you and listening to you and imitating your words and your behavior.
When you become a parent and set yourself up as a role model, you no longer have the luxury of doing and saying whatever you want. You have to be much more aware of your behavior and its likely impact on your children.
If you want your children to grow up with good health habits, you must set an example by eating the right foods and making the right foods available in your household. If you want your children to avoid drinking, smoking and other addictive habits, you need to set an example in your own behavior in these areas. If you want your children to spend more time reading, rather than watching television, you need to set an example by reading at every opportunity. If you want your children to develop patience, calmness, poise and self-control, you need to be a model of these qualities, even under the most trying of circumstances.
Children are always looking to their parents for cues on how to behave, and your being a good role model can have a greater influence than almost anything else you can possibly do in the lives of your children.
LOVE YOUR SPOUSE
Probably the kindest thing that a man can do for his children is to love their mother. And probably the kindest thing that a mother can do for her children is to love their father. Children learn about love by growing up in a household in which love is freely expressed and shared. They learn how to be loving adults by observing the love between their parents.
You may have been brought up by parents
who were unaware of some of these things. They may have made many mistakes with you, especially the use of destructive criticism. They may have never given you the love and affection you required.
You’re a creature of habit. Your natural tendency as a parent is to do the same things to your children that were done to you. You make the same mistakes. You do the same hurtful things and you feel badly about it. But it’s never too late. If you have slipped into the habit of using destructive criticism on your son or daughter, there is something you can do right now to remedy the situation and rebuild your child’s feeling of self-worth.
TAKING IT BACK
Sit down with your child, or children. Then, take a deep breath and apologize to them for all the destructive criticism, or physical punishment, that you have ever used on them. Tell them that you are sorry for everything you’ve ever said or done that hurt them or made them feel bad about themselves in any way.
One of the biggest complaints of children of all ages is that their parents never say “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” for mistakes they have made, or for hurtful things that they have said or done. Children are extremely sensitive to fairness and justice. They feel angry and hurt when they perceive that they have been treated unfairly or accused unjustly for any reason. If not resolved, this anger can last for years.
Your purpose in apologizing to your children is for you to accept complete responsibility for anything guilt producing that you have ever said or done. When you apologize, you demonstrate to your child that you are a human being. You are not perfect. You show him or her that you have the character and courage to admit that you were wrong.
Many parents refuse to apologize to their children because they fear that their children will not respect them. They feel that they have to project an image of infallibility or their children will take advantage of them. They are afraid that apologizing is a sign of weakness. Their egos are too fragile to even consider it.
However, exactly the opposite is true. When you apologize to your child, you increase his or her love and respect for you. You increase the likelihood that your child will cooperate with you in the future. When you don’t apologize when you are wrong, you make the child angry and resentful. You lower your own value in his or her eyes.
When you apologize to your child, you remove the burden of guilt, negativity and unworthiness that has built up from destructive criticism in the past. By apologizing and admitting that you were at fault for your behavior, you set your child free. The results of the simple act of apologizing, of saying, “I’m sorry for what I did and said,” can be immediate and amazing.
Many parents have seen their children transformed overnight by the simple exercise of sitting them down and saying, “I’m sorry for anything and everything that I have ever done or said that has hurt you in any way.”
Children who have been unreachable, distant and estranged from their parents for months, or even years, have been reconciled with them almost immediately when the parent has had the courage and character to accept responsibility and to apologize.
Once you have apologized, promise never to use destructive criticism again. Give your children permission to remind you when you slip from time to time. From then on, whenever you forget your promise, whenever you say something in anger, immediately take it back and say, “I’m sorry.”
Children are very resilient. They need and want their parents’ love and respect so much that they will always forgive and forget. Once you have asked a child for forgiveness, and the child forgives you, the slate is clean. The child feels liberated, like a prisoner set free. And you are free as well.
When you apologize and say you are sorry to your children, you give them permission to admit that they also make mistakes. They don’t have to invest enormous amounts of emotional energy covering up and defending themselves as most adults do. When you demonstrate that you have the courage and character to admit your mistakes, you set an example that builds courage and character in your children. They realize that they don’t have to be perfect to be acceptable. They are valuable and worthwhile just as they are.
The most enduring relationship that you will ever have is with your children. This relationship will last for as long as you live. If you treat your children with love, patience and understanding, you will reap the rewards all the days of your life.
A QUICK SUMMARY
First, the primary role of parenting is to raise children with high self-esteem and self-confidence. This sets them up for happiness and achievement as adults.
Second, children need a continuous flow of unconditional love, approval and acceptance from their parents. This is their key requirement for healthy growth. If they don’t get it, they seek it all their lives.
Third, tell your children you love them every day, in both words and actions. Give them loving eye contact, warm physical contact and focused attention. Spend lots of time with them, taking them on walks, to the movies, on trips and out on dates for lunch or dinner. Nothing tells your child more clearly how much you love him or her than your investing lots of your time in them.
Fourth, build a high-achieving environment for your children by getting involved with their education and their homework. Have positive expectations that they will do their very best. Tell them you believe in them. Value their opinions and encourage them to contribute their thoughts and feelings to the life of your family. Treat them with respect and they will respect themselves.
Fifth, remember that you are your child’s primary role model. Your child, consciously and unconsciously, throughout his or her entire life, will strive to be like you, and will treat other people the way you treat him or her. If you treat your child with kindness, patience, love, respect and approval, your child will grow up to be a fully functioning, self-actualizing human being. You can’t ask for much more than that, and you shouldn’t be satisfied with anything less.
ACTION EXERCISE
Ask yourself what it would be like to be your own child. Put yourself in the position of your child or your children, and then evaluate yourself as a parent. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What do you do well and what do you do poorly? What are some of the things that you do that might be causing your children to grow up with lower self-esteem than you would like? What can you do, starting today, to be a better and more loving parent?
Go to your child and ask him or her if there is anything he or she feels you could do to be a better parent. Ask if there is anything you do that he or she doesn’t like. Listen attentively to his or her answers and observations. Don’t interrupt, explain or defend. Pause before replying. Question for clarification, by saying, “How do you mean?” or “For example?”
Paraphrase and feed it back in your own words. Finally, commit yourself to doing something, to acting on what he or she has told you. Words without actions are not credible.
You can become an outstanding parent by deciding to be one, and by practicing what you’ve learned in this chapter and in this book. This is perhaps the most important decision you ever make, and the one with the most wonderful payoff.
CHAPTER 12
Mastery: The Power of Love
When I was a teenager, before I set out to see the world, I spent a good deal of time thinking about the meaning of life. “Why am I here? What is the purpose of life? What is the reason for existence? Who am I? Where did I come from? And where am I going?” I am sure everyone at some time has wondered about the reasons for his or her individual existence on this planet.
Even as a young man, I had come to the conclusion that love is the most important thing in the world. I traveled in more than eighty countries over a period of eight years, working at different jobs, learning different languages and getting into and out of different situations. All the while I still felt that love was the most important thing in the world.
I occasionally ask a person what he or she thinks is the most important thing in life. I believe that you can tell how emotionally mature a person is by hi
s or her answer. In my judgment, the only correct answer is love. I have asked this question of leading business people, politicians, professionals and others from every walk of life, and I have found that even the most worldly and materialistic men or women will admit upon questioning that, in their heart, they believe love is more important than anything else.
In Chapter One, I defined success as a composite or blend of seven different ingredients. Each of these ingredients is affected by the amount of love that a person has within himself or herself and toward the rest of the world.
EVERYTHING DEPENDS UPON LOVE
You have peace of mind to the degree to which you love yourself and love others. You have high levels of health and energy to the degree to which you experience self-love, self-acceptance and the love and acceptance of others. You have loving relationships to the degree to which you love yourself and express your love toward others. In many cases, love is central to your level of financial achievement in life. Virtually all self-made millionaires are doing what they love to do. To the degree to which you love yourself and love what you are doing, you will set high, challenging and worth-while goals and ideals to strive toward. Self-love and self-acceptance make it easier for you to gain greater self-knowledge and self-understanding. Finally, you achieve lasting fulfillment, self-expression and self-actualization in life to the exact degree to which you love and accept yourself and others unconditionally.
RELATING LOVE TO THE “LAWS”
You are a mental creature. Almost everything that happens to you happens as a result of the way you think. If you change or improve the quality of your thinking, you automatically change and improve the quality of your life. Several of the mental laws in this book relate to the importance of love and the development of a healthy personality. They are part of the achievement of worthwhile goals and aspirations.
