My hands wrap around her small waist as she kisses my jaw. I don’t know when it happened, but my control has waned with Jules. I love it.
This is such a fucking mess. A beautiful mess.
Julia
Happy is relative.
An emotion in time.
Guilt waits in shadows,
Makes you pay for your crime.
When push comes to shove,
And the two have to meet.
You’ll be judged, never loved.
It’s all bittersweet.
I breathe in the steam of the hot coffee in my hands. It’s the most amazing smell this early in the morning. That or Mason’s pillow. I don’t know what it is about the masculine way he smells that drives me crazy. Each morning I pull his pillow out from under him and take it as his alarm goes off.
I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face remembering this morning how he flipped me over and “punished” me for it. Maybe things are moving along too fast, but for the first time in a long time, I’m happy. Genuinely happy.
“Stop smiling like that,” Maddie playfully scolds from across the table as she blows on her latte. She lifts the cup to her lips and eyes me before taking a sip. The smile doesn’t fade; her next comment only makes it grow larger. “You’re making me jealous.”
“That is the power of sex,” Sue says as she takes her seat across from me. Her coffee is in a to-go cup in her hand, so I imagine she’ll be leaving shortly. She sets her bag on the floor and slips onto the stool easily. “It’s about time you girls caught on and decided to get some.” A coy smile lifts up the corners of her lips as she adds, “Well, except for Kat since she’s married.”
Maddie laughs into her cup and Kat gives Sue a cold look for a moment then shrugs. “He’s good at what he does,” Kat says but we all know there have been some complaints recently in that department. Not the bedroom per se but the lack of anything happening in the bedroom.
Whenever Kat looks at me, it takes me down from this high. She represents what I once had and what I should really be striving for. She has a loving husband, a stable and growing career. Children are in her future. I know they’ll get over this hump. She loves him and he loves her. Every marriage goes through ups and downs. That’s what everyone told me when Jace and I were working out our problems.
I set the cup down on the table and try to stop being … whatever it is that’s come over me.
“Is it different?” Maddie asks me as she crumples the wrapper from Kat’s straw. She has both hands on it, balling up the small white paper into a perfect circle. “Like since you were only with Jace before this new guy?” she adds and then peers up at me. Gauging my reaction.
The mention of his name ... It still affects me. I think it always will. Maddie has horrible timing, though.
“At first.” I take a sip of coffee and try not to let the overthinking and insecurity rule this conversation. Baby steps. “It felt like I was cheating on him,” I croak out, my chest feeling tight. “But that was in the beginning and it’s been a few weeks now, so …”
“Cheating?” Sue’s reaction is complete with a huff. “Um no, that’s what he did to you,” Sue says with a firm voice that grabs my attention. She rests a hand on my forearm. “Moving on is not cheating … But you know you two …” she trails off then purses her lips with her eyes on me as if she doesn’t know if she should say what’s on her mind.
“Say it.” My voice is strong as I speak. I just want to get it out there, like ripping off a bandage. Even if it hurts, I need to hear it. I didn’t expect her next statement, though.
“I worry about you and Mason.” It’s like being thrown into ice water. I thought she had something to say about Jace. She didn’t really care for him. She didn’t hide it either. I wasn’t prepared for her to talk about Mason, though. “It doesn’t have anything to do with Jace.” She waves her hand through the air as if to thoroughly drive home that message and then continues. “You know I never liked Jace much, especially after he hurt you.” Cheating. After cheating on me. That’s what she means. We’d only ever been with each other, so he said he’d been curious and he swore it was a mistake. I forgave him. We moved past that together. Sue never did but it wasn’t her marriage and it wasn’t her decision.
“Why are you worried?” I ask cautiously, tapping my nails along the side of the cup and removing the thoughts of that infidelity from my mind. “It’s nothing serious.” I bite the inside of my cheek; even to me, that sounded like a lie.
“That right there,” Sue says as she leans back and points her finger at me. “I worry that you don’t know what casual dating is or how to act with a fuck buddy, or whatever this is for Mason.”
If they could hear the way my heart protests, she’d be doubly worried.
I clear my throat and spit out my next words. “He said he could give me more so it’s not exactly just for fun.” The tips of my fingers tingle and then go numb as both Sue and Maddie stare at me for a moment. Say something.
“What?” Maddie interjects, scooting her stool closer to the table. Her pink dress is pulled tight across her breasts as she leans forward and says, “What did he mean by ‘more?’” She’s as giddy as a schoolgirl.
“Yeah, what the fuck did he mean by more?” Sue asks, her skepticism obvious. Even Kat looks up from her phone to listen. She’s barely said a word since sitting down other than to apologize for having to work and that she swears she’s listening. I suppose now she really is.
“I don’t know. I just ...” I stop and focus on Sue, my former cheerleader and the one I know I need to convince. “I was worried too,” I say, making sure I’m careful with my words, “and I told him that I didn’t know if I could handle ‘just sex’ because I would probably want more, and he said he could give me that.” I think back to that night just two weeks ago, or has it been more now? I’m fairly certain that’s what I said and how he answered. “It makes me feel secure, that I can be open about how I’m feeling and that he’s receptive to it.”
Maddie lets out a small sigh of satisfaction, like a young girl in puppy love. She’s the only one obviously happy about what I’ve said. Sue taps her nails rhythmically on the table and Kat hasn’t moved, still watching me like a hawk. Like I’m prey and she’s just circling in the skies above, waiting to strike.
“Can I just ask a question?” Kat says, setting down her phone and turning her full attention to me. “Why him? Are you sure you want more … and with him?”
“Okay … I didn’t expect that as the follow-up question.” It takes a moment for me to put my thoughts into words. “Mason is nothing like the man I should be with. But that man is gone and I’m not interested in replacing him.”
I take another sip of coffee, feeling defensive and like I’m not sure that I really want to even have this conversation.
“Are you wanting to settle down with him?” Kat asks and waits for me to look at her. “Like are you dating, dating?”
“I’m not settling down or replacing—” Jace’s name gets caught in my throat.
“Oh no, oh no.” Kat’s quick to correct herself, reaching out for me even though my hands are now clasped in my lap. “I didn’t mean … I don’t know what I mean.”
“Maybe he’s a rebound,” Sue chimes in with a shrug and then looks up at the menu on the other side of the room. The text is fairly large, but she’s not reading it. All four of us have that menu memorized. “It doesn’t have to be serious,” she says and the other two women all nod in agreement, but I’m certain it’s to placate me.
“Yeah,” I say noncommittally, holding up my coffee and looking back at Kat for her response. “What if he’s just a rebound?”
Kat picks up her phone again but she doesn’t look at it. She bites her lip and asks, “Can we meet him?”
“For fuck’s sake, Kat,” Sue says from across the table, practically glaring at her. “You don’t introduce a rebound to your friends.”
“Is that a rule?�
� Kat bites back. “He likes drinks, we like drinks, let’s all just have drinks.”
“It’s weird!” Sue’s brow is comically raised as she stares back at Kat like she can’t be serious. “Just let her do what she wants to do,” she says and Sue’s last sentence is hushed.
“I’d like to meet him,” Maddie says with a sweet, innocent tone. Staring at each one of my friends in turn, I know they’re all looking out for me. All nervous like I was weeks ago.
“I’ve got this,” I say to all three of them at once. “It’s just sex, but there’s a level of respect and understanding.” I nod my head. “That’s what the more is.”
A soft sigh leaves me and I feel like I’ve fixed my nonexistent problem. That’s exactly what this is. “It’s just a mutually beneficial arrangement with respect, and sex of course.”
Both Kat and Sue are silent, each nodding and probably not convinced with my words. Each for their own reason, and I love them for their concern.
“I have a meeting with my CPA,” I say as I glance down at my phone. I was going to walk there but there’s no way in hell I’m going to make it on time now. “I have to go,” I huff out as I reach down to grab my leather tote off the floor.
“Hey,” Kat says. “You’re happy?” she asks with all seriousness.
I stand up, slinging the purse over my shoulder and pushing back the stool back. “Yeah,” I say and that smile comes back. “I’m happy.”
I expect some kind of guilt or feeling of inevitable doom, but the girls all smile and Maddie squeals with delight. My chest feels empty, as if I’m lying to myself and afraid that someone will expose it. But I am happy. This is what happiness feels like, isn’t it?
“That’s what matters,” Kat says with finality.
“Damn right,” Sue says, adding her two cents as she grabs her purse to join me.
“Want to share a cab?” she asks, the conversation of Mason and whatever the hell I’m doing with him long gone. At least for now.
Julia
This office sucks. Even as a writer, there isn’t a better word to describe it that comes to mind. For starters, it’s always dark. Crossing my ankles and shifting in the chair, I don’t understand why Mr. Allen Walker never opens the curtains. I used to joke with Kat that he’s really a vampire. The plain white shades aren’t thick but they’re very good at blocking out what little sunlight would shine through the windows to my right. The office practically brushes against the neighboring building. Through the small gap where the fabric panels meet, I can see the old brick from Parks Towers next door. I’d rather look at that and have some sunlight than stare at closed curtains.
I scoot back on the chair with my purse in my lap, feeling more and more uncomfortable.
“Miss Summers.” Allen addresses me as he always has since I was a little girl and even after I was married, but it feels different now. He shuts the door behind him, a smile on his face as he shoves his wire-rimmed glasses up the bridge of his nose. Fine lines and wrinkles crease around his eyes as he holds out a hand for me. I stand up, the lightweight chair scooting back on the thin carpet as I shake his hand.
“It’s been too long,” he says warmly. I nod my head and smile politely although I disagree.
The last time I was here was a few days after Jace passed away. That day, Allen made sure to call me by my legal name and not the name I grew up with. The memory makes the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand on edge as I clear my throat and retake my seat. Uncomfortable as it may be, it’s the only one I’ve got.
It seems he’s forgotten that Summers still isn’t my legal name. I look down at my barren hand and think that’s my fault. I took my ring off months ago. That was easy, all things considered, but changing my name is something else entirely. It would be like erasing Jace, and I won’t do that.
“It has,” I say lightheartedly, pulling down my light gray pencil skirt and readjusting in my seat as he takes his on the other side of the desk.
My chair is small and uncomfortable, while his is large and practically molds to his body.
I shake off the anxiety running through me as I straighten my back and ask, “What is it that you needed me to sign?”
A rough laugh fills the room as he shakes his head then says, “Not just yet. I need decisions, Miss Summers.”
My body tenses at hearing my name but I bite my tongue. “Of course. What kind of decisions?”
“As acting advisor to your estate and investments, I need you to look these over,” he says as he pulls out several folders and sets them in front of me. My brow furrows as I open the first and then the second. I don’t know a thing about any of these. I’ve never been involved with investments and stocks.
“I—” I start to say and then let out an uneasy breath as I continue, “Is there a way that I could take your advisement, Mr. Walker?”
He turns his head to the side and raises his brow as if to say I should have done that a long time ago. “I advised your husband when he made these transactions. Unfortunately, the choices now are to stay and keep your money in a losing bet or to withdraw and lose a substantial amount.”
My body goes cold as I take in his words. “I don’t understand.”
“Mr. Anderson was adamant about buying these properties and he assured me that it would be worth the risk, but I’ve waited over nine months now and there’s still no growth since the drop.”
“The drop?” I ask him, feeling the blood drain from my face. Jace never mentioned buying any properties. “This was with our personal assets? Not the business?”
He nods at my question, taking in a deep inhale. “They were on the decline when he purchased them. He was a bit surprised that they continued to drop, yes.” Mr. Walker leans back, waiting for my reaction.
“How much of a decline?”
“Fourteen million.”
I close my eyes, gripping the edge of the seat for a moment. Fourteen million. That’s … I can barely think straight. When we married, I know my assets were around twenty million. How could he take such a large chunk and not disclose any of this to me?
“There’s still nearly six million invested so you can withdraw if you’d like. I like to say you’ve never lost money until you sell, but the fact is that I still believe you’re not going to see the return your deceased husband was banking on.”
My entire body is tense and on edge. Fourteen fucking million dollars. Fourteen million! I want to scream and curse, I want to throw up. It takes me a moment to gather myself to be able to respond.
“Why am I just learning about this now?” I ask him in a voice that’s more filled with anger than full of shock and grief. I flip through a few pages with shaking hands, reading through them, but not actually reading a word.
Fourteen million and now I can only sell for six? I’m going to be sick.
“Well, it was stable but it’s recently gone up just a touch, and I’m of the opinion that you should take advantage of the current climate.”
My mouth hangs open just a bit as I look back at Mr. Walker, eyeing his blue suit and thin red tie. I blink a few times, then fall back into my chair and shut the folder.
“Is this all of the investments?” I ask, realizing how little I knew of Jace’s dealings. For the first time in my life, I’m worried. I’ve never had to concern myself with income. I’ve been blessed and grateful, but I wasn’t careless. This right here, this feels like careless to a maximum degree and I’m embarrassed. I’m sick to my stomach and mortified.
I swallow thickly and cross my legs, not able to stop my foot from rocking back and forth in the air. It’s only as I sit here, my mouth feeling dry and my body like ice, that I realize I know nothing about my current financial situation. I trusted Jace to handle all this.
“Allen,” I say as I pick at the clutch in my lap and look up at the man I grew up with. He’s an old friend of my father and I do trust him, but right now I feel unsettled.
“Yes, Julia?” he asks.
“Financiall
y speaking,” I say then pause, taking in a steadying breath before I continue, “is everything all right?”
He takes a moment to answer me and the time ticks by slowly while I wait for his reply.
He opens his mouth, looking down at the desk but doesn’t say a word and dread hits me. “You’re going to be fine, Miss Summers. You will be.” He puts strength behind his words and looks straight into my eyes as he speaks.
I should be relieved, but he didn’t exactly answer my question.
“It’s going to be difficult getting this money back, especially considering the amount of debt you went into when remodeling your home.”
“What?” I feel struck by his last statement. “We didn’t go into debt.” I got everything I wanted on that remodel because it was funded by the money I’d made with my first publishing contract. It was my personal reward to myself. “I know how every penny was spent and I know it was paid for with the money I brought in.”
I can’t help that my voice is full of panic and my tone is accusatory. I sit there on the edge of my seat, waiting for a response from Allen. I swallow the lump in my throat as he clicks on his mouse and takes off his glasses, scrolling through a row of spreadsheets.
“The remodel put you in quite a bit of debt, I’m sorry to say.” I shake my head in disbelief as he adds, “If you were to sell the apartment, it could potentially make its money back.”
Chills travel down every inch of my body as I take one breath, then two. “What apartment?” I ask him, my voice deathly low.
“The one downtown on Pacific Street. The one that was remodeled this past year.”
My world spins on its axis and I grip the arms of the chair. “Mr. Walker? I don’t own an apartment on Pacific.” I lick my dry lips, my body coiled, my muscles feeling tense and tight.
There’s a pause, filled with more ticks of the clock. “Well, your husband did and that was left to you. As was everything else in his will. So you do own an apartment on Pacific.”
You Are My Reason (You Are Mine Book 1) Page 11
