During the massage, I studied Devin’s profile. He had his eyes closed, so he didn’t know I was watching him. He certainly had prominent model-like cheekbones and a nicely shaped narrow nose.
“A little harder,” Luke whispered, drawing my focus back to him. “I like your touch,” he said, trying to sound dirty.
Just then I saw Devin smile, which confirmed he’d heard what Luke said. He probably didn’t believe me when I said he wasn’t my boyfriend. Then to make things worse, Luke started to make soft grunting sounds. It was embarrassing, and now I wished I hadn’t chosen Luke. Relief came when it was time to switch partners.
Immediately, I moved over between Luke and Devin and placed my hand on his back to signal I had him. He had to know it was me who had claimed him so quickly. But he didn’t open his eyes to confirm he knew it was me.
With a trembling hand, I started to rub lightly up and down his very firm back. He was definitely in shape, and I didn’t feel one soft spot. While my hand continued to touch his back, I fixated on his lips and longed to have them on mine. Hopefully, he didn’t have some superpower where he could read minds.
My hand seemed to have a will of its own and located the edge of his jeans, where my fingers gently traced along his waistline. Then without thinking about the consequences of my actions, I discreetly slid my hand under his shirt and placed my palm directly on his back. Devin flinched slightly at my touch, but he didn’t try to stop me.
His skin felt blazing hot and burned against my hand. Gently, and only using my fingertips, I explored his lower back, slowly moving across his smooth, warm skin.
After pausing to take in a deep breath, I removed my hand from under his shirt, placed both hands on his shoulder blades, and began pressing on them. And after a few more seconds passed, knowing I was dying to touch his beautiful hair, I boldly took my fingers and ran them through it and simultaneously massaged his scalp.
His hair felt thick, silky, and clean—like he took good care of it. I’d just pulled through the last lock and was about to run my hand through his hair again when I felt something tickle against my leg. I looked down to be sure I wasn’t imagining it. Nonchalantly, Devin used his fingertip and traced my bare knee.
Was he trying to tell me that it was okay to put my hands where I did? Could it mean more? I held my breath and stared at his finger playing with my knee. Any second, he’d hear my heart beating its way out of my chest.
This exchange between us continued in a subtle yet deliberate way. He never once opened his eyes nor changed his facial expression but exhibited complete self-control. Our physical exchange was only visible to my eyes.
Carefully, I removed my hand from his hair and moved downward once more. The time was almost up, and the lights would be turned up all the way. I didn’t want to get caught doing anything inappropriate.
I’d timed things right because the lights came on abruptly, the intensity temporarily blinding me. Devin fanned his hand flat across the floor, where it could be seen in plain view and not anywhere near my knee.
He rolled over onto his back, then opened his eyes and stared upward. Gradually, he turned his head so his eyes met with mine. My breathing felt rapid in anticipation of his reaction to what we had done with each other. Then he smiled. I returned the smile and debated whispering to him that it was only a month before I turned eighteen. But he suddenly jumped up before I could speak, brushed his hair back, then walked off.
If that hadn’t left him with good thoughts of me, then I didn’t know what would. Except I wasn’t really sure what everything we’d done meant to him. Maybe he was only being nice to me because he knew I liked him.
***
I was anxious to see Devin as soon as I awakened the following morning. But during breakfast, it felt like he’d avoided me. I’d discreetly waved at him when he was standing around with several girls by the beverage table. He side-glanced my way but didn’t try to greet me. Maybe he had regretted what happened during the back rub now. It felt like the spark we’d had was now extinguishing. Disappointment loomed in my aching heart, making it almost impossible to finish my breakfast. Maybe he wouldn’t talk to me anymore.
Devin cleared his place at the table, then left the dining hall. The girl, still wearing his name tag around her neck, followed him out. Maybe he liked her more.
By mid-morning, I had to get to my family group. I took off my hoodie, leaving on a sleeveless pink Victoria’s Secret shirt, black Lululemon leggings, and my Nike shoes. Then I hurried down the hill.
Once we were settled inside the rec hall, we broke into smaller groups for a discussion. My group had the question: Has anyone ever made you feel pressured? We then had to fill in the blanks of what kind of pressure. Of course sex came up as one of the examples.
“How’s it going?” Blake asked, sitting down beside me on the hard floor.
Blake, being only twenty-three, had groupies follow him around camp, and he totally played into it. He was a lot more outgoing toward the girls than Devin was.
“What things did your group discuss?”
Right away, one of the girls started sharing what we’d written on our sheet of paper. Then we took turns telling the ideas we’d come up with and possible solutions.
“Some guys will pressure girls to do things that they don’t want to do. It’s important you don’t do things you aren’t comfortable with,” Blake explained.
No kidding. This discussion seemed pointless to me. We weren’t babies, so why treat us like them?
The other members of my group got up to put away the markers we’d used to make our list. I was about to get up when Blake began rubbing my shoulders. His gesture to give me a back rub was very unexpected. Why me?
“You feel tense, Dahlia,” he said under his breath.
“I do?”
“Uh-huh. I can help with that.” Blake began digging his thumbs into my shoulders. His fingers caressed my collarbone and were reaching awfully close to the top of my bra.
My body stiffened, and I knew Blake noticed. What he was doing sort of didn’t feel right. The massage continued, and I had to tell myself Blake did this with all the girls. But as he continued rubbing in the same area, the feeling it was wrong intensified, and I wanted him to stop.
He squeezed the back of my neck, pulling himself toward me. I could feel his hot breath against my ear, and he said, “Is that better?”
A rush of breath came from my lips when I responded, “Yes,” and hoped he was done.
“Ooops.”
The strap from my top had fallen off my shoulder. Blake caught it with his finger, then slipped it back into place. I shuddered, and my cheeks felt flushed. I turned to look at him. Our eyes met, and he smiled, but I didn’t. Quickly, he hopped up and reached out his hand to help me up, then we walked out of the rec hall and toward the lunch line like nothing happened.
Everything with Blake felt very strange. Most of the girls at camp would have been flattered to have his attention. But instead, he’d made me feel uncomfortable. Pressured.
Lauren found me in line, and I was relieved. Blake said bye to me, but I didn’t respond. Then he walked off.
“Were you just talking to Blake?”
I mumbled, “Not really.”
Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe the discussion we’d had today had put the wrong idea into my head. Blake was a flirt, and he probably didn’t mean anything by it.
***
In the late afternoon, I headed to the snack shack and purchased the last bit of candy for my secret pal before Saturday. A stack of candy was in my hand as I turned around to head back to the dining hall to deliver it all.
“Do you have a sweet tooth?”
Devin startled me and was watching me hold all this candy. I was so happy to see him and glad he was speaking to me again.
“Not exactly. These I have to give to my secret pal over the next couple of days. And these…” I gathered up several candy bars and handed them over to Devin, who looked con
fused. “… are for Aaron. I’ve seen you talking with him, so I wondered if you’d give them to him so he doesn’t know they’re from me.”
“You have two secret pals?” Devin’s one eyebrow was raised in disbelief.
I laughed. “No. I worry whoever has Aaron might not have done much for him. I know the other kids here don’t include him. And I want to be sure he isn’t neglected. Would you mind making sure he gets these? And tell him they’re from his secret pal. His real secret pal won’t ever know.”
Devin looked at the candy bars I’d placed into his hands and then at me, like he wasn’t sure what to say. “I’ll be sure to get them to him.”
He was about to leave when I boldly stopped him. “Wait.”
Devin turned back to face me and see what I wanted.
“Caroline mentioned you’d be the one to ask about Aaron. What’s his story?”
“It’ll have to wait until we have more time to talk. I’ve got to get going. See you later.” He turned once more and started down the hill. And that had been our only interaction for the day.
***
For free time the next day, Luke had talked me into swimming at the lake. This had a plus side, considering Devin could be there. But if he were, he’d see me with Luke, which would mean I couldn’t talk to him. And that was a downside. But I didn’t have anything better to do, so I went.
Luke waited for me outside my cabin while I got changed into my bikini. Caroline saw me once I’d emerged from the bathroom and gave me a look. Pretending not to notice, I gathered my belongings.
“It’s not his shift today, if that’s why you’re going,” she said.
“I’m going with Luke. He asked me to.”
She laughed to herself while shaking her head. I guess it was obvious my heart wasn’t in it for Luke anymore.
Once Luke and I arrived at the lake, we placed our towels on the loungers and lathered on sunscreen. When we were finished, Luke took my hand and ran us into the cold water. I squealed, but that didn’t stop him from pulling me all the way in.
“I’m not a very good swimmer,” I informed him.
“You look fine to me,” he said. “You did great during the relay.”
“Well, I’m not. And I was using a kickboard.” I started to tread the water, feeling more anxious. Visions of unseen creatures swimming under my legs began to worry me.
Luke pulled me by my arm over to him. “Put your legs around my waist, and I’ll hold you up.”
He helped me get my legs around him, then he held under my arms. It was a little too close for me, but I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice at this point since he’d floated us into the middle of the lake.
“This is nice,” he said, staring at my face.
He leaned toward me and tried to kiss me. Immediately, I turned away.
“Luke, don’t.”
“What’s wrong?” He looked very confused.
“Nothing.”
He waited for a better explanation.
“There are other people in the water with us who can see us.”
“So what? I want to kiss you.”
Luke attempted another kiss, but I let go of his hips and pushed myself away from him. He looked stunned.
“I said not here.”
“Whatever,” he said as he splashed water in my face, forcing me to close my eyes. Some of the water got into my mouth, and I spit it back out.
Before I could respond further, he turned the other way and swam to the shore, leaving me in the middle of the lake. Dazed by his reaction to my refusal to kiss in public, I continued treading water while debating what to do. Finally, I also swam to the shore.
As I emerged from the cool water, I was shocked to see Devin sitting on the edge of the dock, watching me. Impulsively, I walked along the dock and sat down beside him. He was a counselor and wouldn’t reject me, or I wouldn’t have done it.
Devin didn’t look over at me but had to know it was me.
“Hi,” I finally said.
He looked down. “Everything okay?” When I didn’t answer, he looked directly at me.
I swallowed. “Yes. I’m just not the best swimmer. Deep water makes me panic.”
He turned to stare at the water. “Do you want me to help you to be a better swimmer?”
I didn’t respond right away because I was processing that he was offering to work with me. “You mean like swim with me?”
He looked at me again. “Yes. I’ll teach you some things. You won’t panic anymore.”
Devin was willing to give me a private lesson, and I wasn’t about to turn him down. “I’d like that.”
He pulled off his white T-shirt and set it beside him, then placed his sunglasses on top of it. He slid into the water, then put his hand out for me to join him. I took his hand and hopped into the water.
He had me swim away from the dock, then we stopped. We treaded water next to each other.
“What makes you panic?”
“I guess because I can’t see the bottom. I want to be able to stand up, but it’s too deep.”
“Okay, so the goal would be to get to a place where you can stand in the water so you aren’t panicking. The first thing I want you to do is learn to float on your back whenever you start to worry. This is the position you need to be in.”
Devin had me float on my back. He held the back of my head with his hands to correct the position for me.
I was staring up at the blue sky as I tried to keep myself steady. “Like this?”
“Exactly. If you’re ever in a position where you’re panicking and don’t think you can swim, you flip onto your back and into this position. When you’re upright, you can’t support your head. But see how when you’re on your back you can stay afloat and catch your breath? When you feel ready, you flip back over and start to swim. Let’s practice that.”
For the next twenty minutes, Devin gave me a personal swim lesson. He was nice to me, but I wouldn’t have called it flirtatious. He seemed to be more aware of boundaries today and maintained them. He was also very calm and patient with me, which helped me to relax.
“So, have you worked out what you’ll do after you’ve found your birth mom? Will you call her? Or email?”
“Oh,” I replied, amazed he remembered this conversation. Then again, why wouldn’t he? How many campers had he talked to about something like this? “I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far. What do you think I should do?”
Devin gazed at me curiously, as if he were thinking of what was the best approach. “Maybe you should email first. If no response, then call so you’re guaranteed to talk directly to her. What do you think?” We continued treading water while having this conversation.
“Yeah… that makes sense.” Showing no self-control, I flashed him the biggest smile.
Devin stared at my lips, then looked back at my eyes.
“How am I doing?” I asked, not able to stop thinking about what we did during the back rubs the other night.
“You’re doing great. After today, you should feel more confident in the water.”
“I do already.”
“Good.”
“But, I’m getting tired.” I reached out and held on to his arms for support so I could catch my breath. He gripped under my arms to help me stay up.
We were so close to each other—kissing distance. Devin was staring at me and licked his lips.
“Why are you doing this with me?” I asked softly, but without looking away.
He held his gaze on me but didn’t answer and appeared to be thinking of what to say.
“Race me back to the dock. Go,” he said as he let go of my arms and began paddling in the opposite direction.
So, I joined him. He slowed down and let me win.
Devin got back onto the dock and held his hand out again to help me up. He then grabbed his T-shirt and sunglasses, and we walked over to the lounge chairs. He picked up a towel, wiped off his face, and shook out his hair. Following suit, I wa
lked over to the lounge chair that held my towel, picked up the towel, and wrapped it around my waist. He took a seat on the lounger and used his hands to smooth his hair out. I sat down on the lounger next to him.
“Thank you for the swim lesson.”
“Anytime.” Devin started to say more, then hesitated. I waited to see if he’d say whatever was on his mind. “Dahlia, if you want me to talk to Luke, I will.” At first, I didn’t understand what he was referring to. He must have noticed my puzzled expression. “If you don’t want his advances, then I’ll talk to him.”
“You saw that?” Alarm was now on my face. If he’d seen it, had anyone else?
Devin nodded and immediately stood up to go. “Let me know if you want me to.” Then he slipped past me and walked off.
Chapter Seven
The all-camp skit night was about to start. Lauren and I had just entered the loud rec hall and found spots near the middle of the room so we could see the stage area without much trouble. It wasn’t technically a stage but rather a curtain that could be pulled back and forth between acts. We were sitting out of this one but would participate in July’s. Others, however, had worked all three weeks to come up with something good.
The lights went out once the room was filled with the entire camp. Just the stage area was lit up. I was caught off guard when I saw Devin walk out and stand in front of the curtain. He was holding a mic.
Devin tapped the mic, saw that we could hear him, then held the mic up to his lips and said, “We’ll get started in a few minutes. We’ve put together a list of the skits. If your group is next to perform, then please be ready to get back here so we aren’t here all night. Thanks.”
He then handed the mic over to Brett, our silliest and funniest counselor, to act as the emcee. Brett right away went into comic mode, and the show started. But my eyes were fixed on where Devin was going. He moved to the side and stood with his arms crossed near the exit.
The skits ranged from typical potty humor all the way to talented acts of dancing, singing, and acting. Lauren and I would need to discuss what we planned to do for our skit in July and get rehearsing. Then again, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do anything knowing Devin would be watching. I might embarrass myself.
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