He tossed his phone onto his desk and rubbed his hand over his face. He’d slept like garbage the night before and had to make a conscious effort all morning to not bite off the heads of any patients or staff.
There were plenty of times in his life when he wished he could turn back time and do something over in a different way, but never more so than the previous night. He’d evidently read Anna completely wrong. It felt as if they’d grown even closer over dinner, and he’d thought he’d seen desire in her eyes too as he lowered his mouth to kiss her. And he knew he hadn’t imagined her kissing him back. But she’d changed her mind, and he’d let her go without a word of apology for scaring her or misreading how she’d receive taking their relationship another step.
That’s why he’d called her just now, to try to smooth over what had been a misstep. He’d never imagined she’d push him away the way she had.
“You look like you literally could bite a steel bar in two,” Andrew said as he leaned in the open doorway to Roman’s office.
“I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep well.”
“You are the smartest person I’ve ever met, but you are a pitiful liar. It’s the whole nice guy thing you have going on. Lying makes your face contort strangely.”
Roman shot his best friend an eat-crap-and-die look. With each passing moment, Anna’s words ate a bit deeper into him. Though it felt like something was off, he still couldn’t help being…well, angry. Not that he’d ever expect a woman to go out with him simply because he wanted her to. That kind of attitude would have his mother reaching down from Heaven to shake some respect into him.
“Lady troubles?” Andrew asked.
“You could say that.”
“Don’t tell me all those McQueen good looks and charm have failed you.”
“Evidently they don’t count for much.”
Andrew’s teasing expression slid off his face. “What happened?”
Roman wasn’t thrilled with the idea of spilling everything, but maybe Andrew could give him an outside perspective and help him figure out what the heck was going on. After he’d finished telling him about all the events leading up to his dinner with Anna the night before, the kiss, her reaction to it and then their phone conversation, Andrew ran his hand back through his hair.
“Women, huh?”
Roman sighed. “You’re no help at all.”
“Sorry, man. Trying to lighten the mood, which didn’t work. Listen, I agree with you. Something doesn’t add up. Whether that’s Anna being fickle or scared or you really did just read her interest wrong, I don’t know. You know her better than I do.”
“I thought I did.”
“Let her sit with her decision for a while. Go out with someone else to get your mind off everything. Maybe Anna will change her mind and let you know.”
Though they had gotten to a point where they could talk more easily, he couldn’t imagine someone as naturally introverted as Anna taking that step even if she wanted to. Which left him in one really crappy situation.
He somehow made it through his two-hour shift at the free clinic after work. For a while, he was even able to forget his troubles as he listened to those with real trials in their lives.
When he pulled into his driveway, he noticed Kailee a couple of houses down struggling with a toppled mailbox.
“Did you drive over it?” he asked as he walked in her direction.
“No, someone else did, and I bet I know who it was. Paul, the package delivery guy. He drives down this street like it’s the freaking Autobahn or something.”
“Here, let me help you with that.” He righted the pole and poured in the quick-setting concrete she had at the ready. “How’s the planning for the block party going?”
“Not so hot. Everyone has such different schedules between work and their kids’ activities. I just really wanted to do something fun besides parking in front of my TV and binge watching stuff. At the rate I’m going, I’m going to weigh a ton before winter.”
He laughed at the very thought. “I cannot see that happening.” It hit him that he’d just laughed on a day when he’d not felt the least bit like laughing. “We should go do something soon.” He worried he’d just stepped in it by the way her eyes widened in obvious excitement.
“I’d like that. Say, are you off work Saturday? My cousin has a little art exhibit opening in Gardiner. Would you be interested in going to that?”
“Sure. It’s been a while since I’ve been down that far anyway. Maybe we could visit the park, too.”
“Awesome. I can walk off some of my TV snacks.”
Any normal guy his age would be thrilled at the idea of spending a day with a woman as friendly and outgoing and beautiful as Kailee, but as Roman stepped into his house several minutes later and sank onto his couch all he could think about was a shy librarian who liked chocolate milkshakes.
*
Anna was pretty sure her heart was broken, but she had no one to blame but herself. Paige had told her she was a fool for what she’d done, and a very large part of Anna thought she was right. Several times she’d even picked up her phone with the aim of calling Roman, apologizing, telling him how she really felt, but she always stopped short of dialing his number. How could she know she was being irrational and still not be able to excavate the doubts that plagued her, the ones created by years of hearing her grandmother preach them like the gospel and her own lackluster dating history?
Feeling the walls of her house closing in on her, she decided to get outside and try to enjoy some time in nature, clear her mind. She drove south out of Logan Springs toward Yellowstone National Park. She’d found peace there before when life was stressful, so she hoped it would work its magic again.
After driving through the gateway community of Gardiner, she entered the park through the stone Roosevelt Arch, reading the words inscribed on it as she passed underneath: For the Benefit and Enjoyment of the People. She noticed tourists pulled off to the side of the road taking photos of a group of elk. They had much more impressive views of wildlife ahead of them once they drove deeper into the park.
Since when most tourists reached the headquarters area at Mammoth Hot Springs they tended to continue south toward the geyser basin and Old Faithful, Anna took a left and headed across the northern section of the park. It was the kind of gorgeous day in a comparatively wild place that tended to make the real world and a person’s cares seem far away. And while she wasn’t immune to the beauty surrounding her, Anna’s cares were riding shotgun.
She needed to get out and move, so she pulled over near the Wraith Falls trailhead. She liked visiting the parts of the park that didn’t draw the larger crowds because the peacefulness felt more real at the overlooked gems. The wildflowers were putting on quite a show as she headed out across the meadow. She bet this would be something Roman would like, too.
No, she had to stop thinking about him. That’s what this day was about. But it proved impossible to keep thoughts of him or that kiss they’d shared from invading her mind. Even spotting a ground squirrel or a family of deer didn’t deter her thoughts for more than a few seconds.
She tried focusing on other aspects of her life as she crossed over Lupine Creek and made the turn that preceded the climb up to the viewing platform near the base of the falls. She’d used the money from the trail ride to buy the car, so she’d dipped into her savings to start paying the medical bills. And despite what Roman had said about her trying writing mysteries again, she couldn’t face being rejected right now. Instead, she’d sent out queries to a few librarian publications with some article ideas. Hopefully, those would pan out, but if they didn’t it wouldn’t feel the same as a rejection of something she’d created out of her own imagination.
She reached the viewing platform and stared up at the simple beauty of Wraith Falls, so named because of their shape, which reminded early visitors of a ghost. Anna didn’t sense any spirits, just the gentle breeze in the surrounding Douglas firs and the flow of the wate
r over the ridged, flat rock face. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, slowly in and out. The sound of small animals scurrying in and around the fallen fir trees actually made her smile.
She’d been right to come here. No, her heartache about Roman wasn’t gone, but she could breathe more easily here than pacing around her house where she’d spent a weekend binge watching TV with him.
After a while, she heard the sound of voices and glanced down the trail to see a young couple laughing and joking with each other as they climbed to where she stood. She’d leave in a moment, but she turned her gaze back to the falls for a final look.
“Oh, hi,” the young woman said when she saw Anna. “We thought we were the only people out here.”
“I was just leaving.”
“You don’t have to go.”
Anna smiled. “I’ve been out here a while. Lots more to see.”
“Before you go, could you take our picture?”
“Sure.” She accepted the petite blonde’s phone and took a few photos of the lovebirds with the falls in the background. They looked so happy and in love, and for a moment Anna pictured herself and Roman in their spot.
“Thanks so much.”
“No problem. Enjoy your visit.” Anna made her way back down the switchbacks in the trail, out of range of hearing the couple, then took her time back across the meadow. When she finally returned to her car, she made her way to the Lamar Valley and took several photos of a large bison herd that had drawn a crowd of people, some also with their phones out and others with the types of huge, costly lenses that signaled they were serious photographers.
She gradually made her way back to Mammoth Hot Springs. By the time she got there, she was so thirsty she stopped at the park store to grab some water and a snack. While inside, she perused all the cool park-themed offerings but made her way toward the cash register with only her water and a bag of trail mix. But next to a display of Yellowstone T-shirts, she stopped in her tracks the moment her gaze met Roman’s.
Of all the places he could be right now, it had to be here. All the effort she’d put into not thinking about him disappeared in an instant.
And then she saw he wasn’t alone. Kailee, the woman she’d met at the restaurant the night Roman had kissed her, stepped up next to him with a smile so bright she could be in a toothpaste commercial.
Though it felt as if she was trying to lift the entire Absaroka Range, Anna managed to force a smile of her own. After all, she was the one who’d ended things with Roman before they could really get started.
“I see I wasn’t the only one with the idea to get out and enjoy the day,” she said.
“Oh, hey,” Kailee said. “Anna, right?”
“Yeah.” Anna wasn’t the type to hate others, but she had to admit there was a little part of her that wanted to hate Kailee. But that wasn’t fair because the other woman hadn’t done a single thing wrong. Neither had Roman. The fault for this awkward, tense situation lay entirely at Anna’s feet.
Her gaze shifted to Roman, who hadn’t said a word. He looked like he wanted to but didn’t know what to say.
“How are you?” he finally asked, likely more out of courtesy than any real desire to know.
“Fine. You?”
And the award for the most awkward, useless conversation goes to…
“Okay.” He seemed to remember he was with someone and glanced over at Kailee. “Kailee’s cousin is having a gallery showing in Gardiner tonight, so we came up here for a bit before that.”
“That sounds nice.” Her words threatened to choke her.
“You should come,” Kailee said. “Avery is a talented painter. I’m envious, really. My artistic talent extends only to those turkeys we drew in elementary school by running the pencil around our fingers and thumb.”
The idea of being around Roman while he was with another woman was at the absolute bottom of Anna’s list of fun things to do. As in she wasn’t going to that gallery show in a million years.
“Thank you for the invitation, but I have plans tonight.” Plans to call herself a fool over and over. “I hope you have a nice time.”
With a nod goodbye, Anna resisted the urge to just toss her water and trail mix on the nearest shelf and make a run for it. Instead, she acted as if the sight of Roman with another woman hadn’t bothered her and made her way to the cash register. Miraculously, she didn’t cry, though she felt the burning need to. Because if she started, she was afraid she wouldn’t stop.
*
He couldn’t look at her. No matter how much he wanted to go after Anna and ask her face to face why she’d pushed him away, the real reason, he didn’t. He had always taken women at their word, respected their decisions. And besides, it would be rude and inconsiderate to Kailee.
Still, as he and Kailee stepped outside he couldn’t get the look he’d seen on Anna’s face out of his head. When they’d first made eye contact across the store, she’d looked as shocked as he felt. And he’d swear he saw pain, which in a strange way gave him hope. If she didn’t have feelings for him, she wouldn’t care who he took out.
“She’s more than a friend, isn’t she?”
The sound of Kailee’s voice pulled him out of his own head. When he looked her way, he saw from her sad smile that she could see the truth of how he felt. It would be wrong to lie to her.
“We’re not together.”
“But you want to be.”
He sighed as he looked out over the lawn area where a herd of elk were lazing away while tourists took pictures of them.
“I do, but she doesn’t.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
He looked over at her. “What makes you say that?”
“I’m a woman. She’s a woman. I know pining when I see it.”
So he hadn’t imagined it?
“I’m sorry.”
She waved off his apology. “Don’t worry about it. Will I mourn an opportunity with my hot doctor neighbor? Sure. But I’ll live. I’m a firm believer in people being with someone who makes them happy and who they can make happy in return.”
A sense of shame came over Roman. He’d misjudged Kailee. There was a lot more to her than a casual, quick conversation indicated.
“You’re a kind person,” he said. “I hope you find someone who sweeps you off your feet and is really good to you.”
“Me, too. But don’t think this is getting you out of going to the gallery show.”
He laughed a little. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”
They got into his truck and headed back down toward Gardiner, him wondering if there was anything he could do to change the situation with Anna for the better.
“You should tell her how you feel,” Kailee said suddenly.
“Am I that obvious?”
“Yep, but that’s okay. And I’m serious. Even if something is keeping Anna from admitting how she really feels, you should tell her.”
“I don’t want to push her after she said she wasn’t interested.”
“You don’t have to push. Just make a full confession and then leave the next move up to her. I’m assuming you haven’t actually told her how you feel, right?”
“I don’t suppose kissing her counts?”
She gave him a look that telegraphed the thought that men really were dim, no matter how many advanced degrees they had.
“Um, no. Use your words.”
He smiled at her. “Yes, ma’am.”
In between making small talk with Kailee, her cousin and other people at the art show, Roman tried to determine exactly which words to use when he saw Anna again. It felt as if his entire future depended on picking the right ones.
Chapter Fifteen
As Anna pulled into her driveway, she didn’t think she could muster the energy to go inside. She hadn’t felt this drained since she was in the hospital. When she looked through the windshield, her mood shifted unexpectedly. A sudden wave of anger pushed the sadness to the side, but it wasn’t anger with
herself this time. The target was her grandmother, for how she’d done her damnedest to indoctrinate Anna so fully to her point of view that Anna hadn’t trusted her own feelings or judgment.
She started the car again and drove out of Logan Springs toward Livingston. Chances were more than even that her grandmother wouldn’t even know her, but Anna had some things to say nonetheless. A voice, a knowledge deep inside told her that the only way she was going to be able to fully and finally break free of her grandmother’s beliefs and forge her own was to face the woman who’d cost her so much—self-confidence, a belief she could aspire to bigger dreams, any real family. Even Roman. Because after how she’d treated him, she had a hard time imagining him giving her a second chance. Besides, he’d already moved on, so that kiss must not have meant as much to him as it had her.
Stop it! That’s Helena talking.
By the time she reached the nursing home, she was shaking. She took a few minutes to calm down as much as she could before going inside. The attendant at the front desk was on the phone but recognized Anna and buzzed her in. Anna’s feet felt as if she was walking through wet concrete as she approached her grandmother’s room. She’d second-guessed coming here. What good would it do? It wasn’t as if she could even have an actual argument with Helena. Despite everything, she suddenly realized how cruel it would be to confront a woman who didn’t even remember doing the things that had so upset Anna.
But she was already here, and she hadn’t seen her grandmother since before her wreck. No matter what had happened, Anna felt enough duty toward the woman who’d raised her that she visited Helena even though it was almost always a one-sided conversation.
After taking another fortifying breath, she pushed open the door and found Helena lying in bed watching TV. Anna didn’t know if what was happening on the screen even registered in Helena’s brain.
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