by Sarah Zettel
“Oh, hon-bun,” said Jeannie. And that was when Dana realized she hadn’t moved an inch. “You are not thinking about doing something stupid again, are you?”
But she was.
Run, run, run—the word drummed against the inside of her skull. Do it now. Don’t give Jeannie time to talk you out of it again. Mom will be okay. She can handle them. She’s done it before. Run.
Jeannie put down the pizza flyer she was reading and came over to take both of Dana’s hands.
This time, Dana pulled away immediately. Jeannie looked hurt and folded her arms, tucking her hands tight under her armpits.
“Dana, listen to me. I couldn’t tell you this before, but I can now. Your mother and me, we got a plan.”
Don’t listen. She’s lying again. “When could you—”
“Why do you think she’s even here? I called her, honey. I told her where we were!”
Dana’s resolve to not listen died. “You called her?”
“What did you think? That I was just going to let her believe…” She stopped and stared. “Oh, Dana,” she breathed. “Oh Jesus. I’ve screwed all this up. I’m really sorry. I’ve been dying to tell you this whole time. We got it all figured out, and she’s just been waiting for her chance, you see?” Jeannie’s face lit up, like a little kid with a secret. “Todd doesn’t know it, but he’s just screwed up big-time by making her go with him. He might not even be coming back at all.”
The memory of blood sent fresh prickles across Dana’s skin. Was that ever going away? “What’re you…what are you saying?”
Jeannie read her mind, and her eyes went wide. Her bruise stretched tight. “Oh no. Honey! Nothing like that! She’s not going to hurt him! Not permanently anyway. She’s going to find a way to ditch him, see? She wanted to at the mall, but he was watching everything too close. Now, though—now is the perfect time.”
“I don’t believe you,” whispered Dana. Something was wrong. Memory was getting mixed up with emotion again, and the words were pouring in and shaking it all to bits.
“I know, I know,” said Jeannie. “And you’re right to be angry, but if you don’t believe me, believe your mom. Do you honestly think she would walk in here without a plan?”
Mom had said that. She’d said she had a plan. Back at the house. Dana was sure.
“She’s just been waiting for her chance, and this is her chance.” Jeannie squeezed Dana’s hand again, and this time Dana did not pull back. “Think about it. They’re probably going to a bar, right? That’s where all this kind of stuff happens. She’ll get Todd drinking, get him talking. Let me tell you, once he starts in on either one of those, he does not stop. So, she pours him into the car and dumps him out by the side of the road someplace and comes right back to us. Piece of cake.
“All you and me have to do is sit tight and be ready to go as soon as she gets back.”
She’s just trying to keep me sweet. The cold thought trickled into Dana’s mind. She’ll say anything so I don’t leave.
“I know you don’t want to be here, Dana, and I know you’re sick of waiting for something to happen. But you have to keep it together just a little bit longer. You need us, Dana. I don’t want to upset you, swear to God I don’t, but you do not know how to live on the run. The cops will catch up with you within a couple of days. But you cannot ever forget that if they catch you, no matter how bad things get for you, it’s your mother who’s really going to suffer for it. You still killed your father. Whatever we’ve done, you were the one who did that.”
It was an accident! But it didn’t matter how loud she screamed that inside her own head. It didn’t wipe out the heat of her father’s blood, literally on her hands. Suddenly, she just needed to get out of that room.
“I want a shower,” she announced.
Jeannie smiled and squeezed her hands one more time. “Oh, me too. Jeez, I could strip off my own skin it’s so filthy.” She let go and instead went to pick up the flyers on the desk. “And what about that pizza? You want Domino’s? Or Little Caesar’s?”
“They’re both shit,” said Dana.
“Yeah, but they deliver.” Jeannie picked up the hotel phone. “You get your shower, and I’ll order. I think they’ve got Netflix on the cable here too. We can get a movie.”
“Whatever,” said Dana, not caring which one she was saying yes to. She snatched the shopping bag off the desk chair and headed into the bathroom.
Dana closed the door and locked it for good measure. She turned the hot water on full. She stripped down, climbed into the tub, tilted her face up to the shower, and closed her eyes. She held her breath as long as she could, praying the water would boil her clean. She needed the heat to get all the way inside and obliterate the memories of all the blood and her father’s lost eyes. She didn’t want it—any of it. She wanted to step through the thick cloud of steam and find herself at home. She wanted to hear Mom singing off-key to the Mamma Mia! soundtrack. She wanted to be planning breakfast for them both and to know that tomorrow she’d be putting on her black pants and the white jacket with the Vine and Horn logo.
She wanted to go back to having a future in front of her, not this dead, gray blank.
She stayed under the water until she actually felt like she might be starting to burn.
Finally, she shut the water off and dried herself and put on clean black jeans and a black T-shirt. She brushed her teeth and looked at herself in the mirror.
Her reflection didn’t show any hints about what she should do, so she walked back out into the room.
“There you are! I was starting to think you’d drowned.”
Jeannie was on the bed with the remote. The pizza guy must have shown up while Dana was in the shower, because Jeannie had the box open beside her and was halfway through a slice of pepperoni and sausage.
“What do you want to watch?”
Dana sat down on the other half of the bed, one leg dangling over the edge. “Nothing. You pick.”
“Come on, honey. We gotta keep it together for just a little bit longer, okay? Get some coffee. Eat something.” Jeannie elbowed the box toward her. “Your mom will be back as soon as she can.”
Dana looked at her for a long time. She couldn’t trust this woman she’d waited her whole life to know. But she could trust Mom. Mom would know what to do about Jeannie.
It wasn’t a future, but it was better than nothing.
Dana picked up a slice and bit into the tip.
“That’s really bad.”
“Yeah, but it’s hot. Come on. Show me how to work this thing.” She held the remote toward Dana.
Dana sighed and worked the controls to bring up Netflix.
It’s just until Mom gets back, she told herself. Then we are outta here.
On impulse, she chose the Great British Baking Show. While the hosts joked about biscuits and the narrator extolled the skills of the new set of bakers, Dana got up to pour herself a cup of coffee from the little pot on the dresser. She plopped back down on the bed and reclaimed her piece of pizza. It was greasy and it sagged under the weight of its toppings, but she bit into it anyway, because apparently there was some kind of physical law that you couldn’t leave a slice uneaten, no matter how bad it was. So she ate. She drank. The coffee was as bad as the pizza, but she finished both of them anyway. The first episode ended and segued straight into the second. She ate more bad pizza and tried to decide what she would do if she were a contestant. Maybe it could still happen. Maybe one day. After Mom got back.
Dana Fraser, will you please bring that spectacular biscuit tower up to the gingham altar?
…And what flavor are these?
Those are the cardamom and chocolate, and those are the greasy pizza cheese and blood…
Dana shook her head. Jesus, I’m falling asleep in my pizza. She tried to focus on the screen, but she kept slowly sagging back against the headboard.
“It’s okay, hon.” Grandma lifted the paper coffee cup from her fingers. “Close your eyes.
I’ll wake you up as soon as your mom gets back.”
“Yeah, but I want…I want…”
“I know. Here. Lean on me.” Jeannie wrapped her arm around Dana’s shoulders and pulled her close.
Dana couldn’t resist. She just leaned her head against her grandmother’s shoulder. She didn’t want to sit like this. She didn’t like the feeling of her grandmother’s bony shoulder digging into her ear. But she didn’t pull away. It didn’t seem worth the effort. She wanted to turn her face toward the screen too. The male judge—Paul Hollywood—was giving somebody shit about their biscuits lacking snap. But she couldn’t manage even that much motion. All she could do was blink at the little amber bottle on the nightstand. She hadn’t noticed it before. Why hadn’t she noticed it before?
Grandma was stroking her hair. “It’ll be okay, honey. I promise. Hey, watch. The guy with the…”
Dana never heard. The world had gone away.
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
Buying the new IDs had been remarkably straightforward. The apartment was raggedy but no worse than other places Beth had been in. The two unshaven white guys had beer guts and blank eyes. They looked at the real IDs, pulled some fresh cards out of a file cabinet, and made sure the names on each set matched. They took Todd’s money, they handed the new cards over, and that was that.
Dad was unusually quiet on the drive back, but she could feel him watching her the entire way. The gun stayed in his pocket now, its threat veiled but not gone. Beth glanced at him once and was surprised to see how old and tired he looked in the flickering headlights beside her.
It was getting light by the time Beth pulled back into the hotel parking lot. Her head and her throat ached from lack of sleep, from what she’d said and what she hadn’t. She shut the engine off. Dad held out his hand. She understood and dropped the keys into his palm.
“I’m not forgetting what you told me,” he said. His eyes were cold, but she couldn’t read what waited under that ice.
“Good,” she said, but at the same time, a fresh shiver ran up from the scar on her arm.
Dad used his key card to let them in a side door and made sure she walked ahead of him to the room. He was on edge. Beth tried to tell herself that was a good thing. It meant he believed her.
She hoped.
Todd slid the card into the slot on the door and stood back so Beth could open it. The smell of warm pizza wafted out.
The room was completely dark.
“Shh! The kid’s asleep,” Jeannie stage-whispered from the shadows.
Beth blinked hard to help her aching eyes adjust. She saw Jeannie curled up in the armchair beside the bed. Dana was tucked in under the blankets, lying on her side, dead to the world.
Then Todd walked in, and Jeannie sat up straight.
“Hey, babe.” Todd walked over and kissed her cheek. “Happy to see me?”
He stayed bent over the chair, waiting for her answering kiss. Jeannie stared at Beth. No one had closed the blackout curtains, and there was enough light for Beth to see her blank face and wide eyes.
Todd took Jeannie’s chin and turned her face toward him. “I asked, Are you happy to see me?”
“Of course, babe!” Jeannie threw her arms around him, and the enthusiastic gesture almost pulled him right down into her lap, but Dad caught himself on the chair arm.
Beth watched her parents kiss, long and deep and loud, too tired to feel anything but cold.
Todd finally broke the kiss. He touched the corner of her bruised eye, and all at once, he pinched her there, hard. Jeannie squealed sharply from the pain.
Dana didn’t even move.
“Good,” Todd murmured. He straightened up and pulled out his wallet.
Behind him, Jeannie touched her bruise and looked at Beth, like Beth was the one who’d hurt her.
She probably believes that.
Todd fished a couple of the new cards out of his wallet and handed them to Jeannie. “Get those in your purse. I’ll keep Dana’s. Jesus, I’m tired.” He wandered over to the open pizza box on the desk beside the TV and grabbed a slice. He gestured with it to Jeannie. She got out of the chair so he could sit down, and moved to sit on the bed beside Dana.
Dana still didn’t even roll over. Something tightened around Beth’s ribs. Beth hurried to the bedside and leaned over Dana.
“Dana? Dana, honey?” She laid a soft hand on her shoulder. “Wake up. We’re back.”
“Oh, come on. Leave her,” whispered Jeannie. “It’s been a really rough—”
“Dana?” Beth shook her daughter gently. “Dana?”
Dana twitched. Her eyelids fluttered. She looked up at Beth, but Beth couldn’t tell if her daughter registered her face. Dana’s eyes closed again.
Beth straightened up and she turned.
“What did you do to her?” The words rasped like splinters in her throat.
“Nothing!”
Beth knew what real anger felt like. She knew all its nuances and all the ways it could burn a person from the inside out. She knew what it was to want to kill somebody with her bare hands.
But it was not like this. It was never like this. This was a special kind of hyperawareness. Beth could see every edge of every piece of furniture. She seemed to feel instinctively how every object around her might be grabbed up, broken, and used. The whole world was a weapon waiting for her.
Except for Jeannie. Jeannie was a paper doll. Her, Beth could tear in two.
Beth grabbed her mother’s shoulders and pulled her up off the bed. Her fingers dug down to the curves of Jeannie’s bones. She could crush those bones. It would hurt when they shattered. It would hurt a lot.
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DAUGHTER?!” Beth screamed.
“Nothing!” Jeannie struggled to get her hands up between them. “She was so antsy, Star! She was scared for you, and she couldn’t sleep! She asked, Star. She asked me for something to calm her down! I gave her half a pill. Less. I didn’t want to, but she was so scared and she needed to sleep so bad. That’s all it was! I’ve been checking on her the whole time. She’s fine!”
Beth shoved Jeannie backward. She didn’t even feel the motion. One minute Jeannie was in her hands, the next there was a slam, and her mother had collapsed against the wall, crouching and cowering.
A hand clamped onto the back of Beth’s neck. “That’s enough, Star. I’ll take care of this.”
Todd. Beth had forgotten he was still here.
“Please, please!” Jeannie sobbed. “I just wanted to help her! That’s all—I promise!”
Beth didn’t move.
Todd yanked her sideways. Beth stumbled and banged against the bed, sitting down abruptly. Todd grabbed Jeannie and hauled her to her feet. She sagged against him, trembling and tearful. Beth watched and hated her. Hated them.
“I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t mean anything. I was just afraid the girl was going to do something stupid. That’s all!”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” He patted the back of her head, rocking them both back and forth a little. “But that was not a good move, huh? Getting our Star all worried like that.”
Beth turned back to Dana. She laid a palm against her forehead. How many times had she done this for her daughter, this thing that every parent did? They checked for fever, listened to their breathing in the dark. She’d snuck into her room at night to do this when she was little. She did it first thing in the morning when little Dana came to the table tired and cranky. Dana’s skin was warm to her touch but not too warm. No sweat, no clammy feeling. Dana breathed deeply, easily, normally. Slowly, Beth settled back into herself. Slowly, she was able to think and to breathe again, and to remember where she was and why, and everything she needed to be doing.
Todd was watching her.
“Okay?” said Todd to Beth.
Beth rubbed her palms against her jeans. She nodded.
“Okay?” he said to Jeannie. Jeannie peered at Beth from around Todd’s shoulder. Sheltering behind the man she wanted Beth to ki
ll for her.
She nodded too.
“Good.” Todd pushed Jeannie away from him gently. “I gotta take a leak,” he said, and then pointed a finger at Beth. “Play nice.”
Beth folded her arms. Todd rolled his eyes and headed for the bathroom.
As soon as the door shut, Jeannie grabbed Beth and dragged her to the other side of the room.
“What is the matter with you?” she demanded, her tears and trembling both gone like she’d thrown a switch. “Why didn’t you take care of him?”
Beth took Jeannie’s hand and lifted it off her arm. “You really, really do not want to be talking to me right now.”
“She’s fine, Beth! It was half a pill, and she asked for it! What is the matter with you? We had a plan!” The toilet flushed. Jeannie took a step back, her eyes cold and assessing. Jeannie pressed a hand against her stomach. “You cannot leave me hanging, Star.”
Water ran in the bathroom sink.
Beth looked at her. She felt her thoughts ticking off what she saw. There was no more remembering she wanted to be called Beth. Like Todd, Jeannie wanted Star back. Star took care of her. Little Star had comforted her, and was frightened for her, and kept trying to make things better.
Todd came out of the bathroom. “Well, I was gonna get us back on the road, but I guess we’re staying here.” He picked up a slice of cold pizza and took a healthy bite. “Everybody might as well get some sleep.” He looked his wife up and down. “You should clean up, Jean. You’re a fucking wreck.”
“Yeah, okay.” Jeannie paused as she passed Todd to press a kiss against his cheek. “You keep an eye on our girls.”
She disappeared into the adjoining room. Beth heard the bathroom door close. Dad shoved the last of his partly eaten crust into his mouth.
“You’re not going to start giving me trouble now, are you, Star?” he mumbled as he chewed.
Beth looked at Dana lying so still on the bed. She pulled the blankets up around her shoulders. She’s okay. She smoothed Dana’s hair back, feeling one more time how her skin was warm and dry. How her breath came steady and normal. She’s okay.
