As I scan through to the last few texts in the thread, I promise myself I won’t respond the next time she contacts me. If there is a next time.
I exit the thread between Jenna and me and press down on her name. Delete this conversation? my phone asks. I hold my breath as I follow through. For a few seconds, I stare at the spot where Jenna’s name had been, then I navigate over to my list of contacts and delete her from my phone altogether. It’s time to move on, starting with calling Delaney and owning up to what I did last night.
Hi! You’ve reached Delaney . . .
My heart rate increases as the rest of her greeting plays, and I’m still considering whether to leave a message or not seconds after the beep. Damn it.
“. . . Um, hey, Delaney. Sorry I’m just getting back to you now . . . I hope you’re not pissed. I just . . . I’m still not feeling . . .” FUCK! Quit lying! “Look, we need to talk. So, just . . . call me back when you can . . . Bye.”
Now, I need to take care of the missed call and message from Jenna’s mom. I navigate to my call log and promptly press down to delete the missed call. Then I press down on the next notification, but curiosity gets the best of me before I follow through with deleting the unplayed message. I’d bet my baseball signed by Ryan Braun that Jenna snuck out last night and told her mom she was with me when she got caught. That would explain Jenna’s texts. She probably just wanted to have something to back up her lie, and Mrs. Kemp is probably just calling to verify Jenna’s story. Well, I won’t lie for her, and I’ll never let her get my hopes up again about the possibility of us getting back together.
I play the message.
“Dustin, this is Mrs. Kemp . . .”
She sounds like she has a cold or like she’s been crying.
“We’re looking for Jenna and wonder if you might have seen her or spoken to her since last night.”
As I suspected, Jenna must have left her house again after I drove by last night. But now they’re looking for her? Does that mean she never went home?
“I know you two aren’t dating anymore, but . . . about whatever Jenna might have told you after that whole diary incident . . . well, I apologize. I know in my heart you would never hurt Jenna, and I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. Anyway . . . Could you please give me a call back when you get a chance? Thanks.”
Diary incident? What would make her think I hurt Jenna? I have no idea what Mrs. Kemp is talking about.
Confused, I instinctively open my call log and scroll to Jenna’s name, but of course it isn’t there, and I don’t know the last four digits by heart. So, I go back to Mrs. Kemp’s message. But before I call her back, I need to decide what I’m going to say.
Should I tell her I don’t know about the diary incident she’s talking about?
Should I ask why she thought I hurt Jenna when Jenna was the one who hurt me?
If I tell her I was supposed to meet up with Jenna, will she believe Jenna never showed?
Chapter Eight
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Three Months Before Jenna’s Disappearance
“So, what did you end up doing last night?” Jenna asked Keeley as they took a seat on one of the wide window ledges in the gathering area of His Grace Community Church. She immediately bit into the slice of cherry Kringle she was holding on a napkin. Since she was still upset with her mom for grounding her the night before, she hadn’t eaten breakfast. In fact, she hadn’t even emerged from her room until it was time to leave for church. She’d remained silent during the entire ride, even when Joseph made a few tacky dad jokes to lighten the mood. Shaina giggled, of course.
“Nothing much. Tina had people over last minute, so I waited for Delaney to get done babysitting for the Johnsons, then we went over there for a while. Played pool . . . listened to music . . . watched YouTube videos. . . you didn’t miss much.” Keeley nibbled on one of Mrs. Kimble’s raisin bran muffins. Her legs were spread wide, and she was leaning forward slightly, elbows resting on her knees in an “unladylike fashion,” as Jenna’s late grandma would put it. Jenna smiled to herself at the sight of her tomboyish friend, whose cluelessness over her own beauty made her appealing to everyone.
“Who was there?” Jenna asked before shoving the last of the Kringle into her mouth.
“Uhhh,” Keeley said as she sat upright and stretched her long, lean legs out as she reclined back against the window, “Lisa, Jordyn, and the Harvey brothers. Oh, and Corbin was there too.” Her voice took on a timbre of annoyance when she said Corbin’s name, which made Jenna laugh. “So, of course Delaney spent most of the time flirting with him and practically forgot I was there. Dustin’s lucky he didn’t go because it felt like a couple’s thing, which made it super awkward for me, of course. Luckily, Corbin had to get his parents’ car home by ten, so Delaney and I left when he did, and I got home a little after ten.”
“I bet Delaney talked your ear off about him the entire way to your house.” Jenna squeezed the napkin she was holding into a ball and turned to face Keeley, leaning her back against the window frame.
“Nope,” Keeley said shaking her head and rolling her eyes. “It was worse than that. Corbin called her as soon as we pulled away from the curb, and they talked the entire way to my house. So even though he wasn’t with us, I still felt like a third wheel. That’s probably why she isn’t here today. She must have been up all night talking to him.” Keeley and Jenna both laughed. “I’m so glad you don’t obsess over Dustin the way she obsesses over guys she isn’t even officially dating.”
Jenna smiled in agreement over Delaney’s tendency to overdo it when she had a crush on someone. She would never choose a guy over Keeley or Jenna, but she saw no harm in flirting even if it meant ignoring her friends. What Jenna didn’t agree with was Keeley’s assessment that she wasn’t obsessed with Dustin. Actually, she was, but it wasn’t over wanting to be near him all the time. Jenna was obsessed with figuring out a way to feel close to him without shutting down. But now that the demons from her past had returned, she felt she might be on the verge of closing herself off completely—not just with Dustin, but with everyone close to her. Suddenly she felt an urgency to share with Keeley.
“So, my mom just found out—”
“I have to go to the bathroom,” Keeley interrupted Jenna as she stood. “Can we walk and talk?”
“Sure,” Jenna said with a shrug as she stood and followed Keeley toward the hallway where the nearest bathrooms were located. She took a deep breath before she proceeded to fill Keeley in on the news of her uncle’s family moving back to Briarwood, pausing whenever someone walked near them. Jenna was unsure when the news of her uncle’s and cousin’s acceptances of positions with the church would be announced, so she didn’t mention any of that. When Jenna finished dishing out what little she knew about the timeline of their relocation and was on the brink of confiding in Keeley, Keeley gave her a shy, goofy grin.
“So, I guess that means Eli will be going to our school?”
“Um, yeah. I’m pretty sure they want to live close to church. So somewhere in Briarwood . . . Hey, mind if we go outside?” Jenna pointed at the back entrance as Keeley was about to return to the gathering area.
“Yeah, sure. For a little bit anyway.”
When they stepped outside, Jenna was relieved to see no one else was out there. Not that she expected anyone to be since it was almost as hot as it had been the morning before when she and Keeley ran together. As soon as they settled in at one of the picnic tables and Jenna was about to unload her deepest, darkest secret on Keeley, Keeley jumped in.
“I wonder if he’s dating anyone.”
“Who? My cousin Eli?” Jenna asked, dumbfounded. She knew Keeley thought Eli was cute back when he used to live in Briarwood, but that had been years ago.
“Yeah,” Keeley said with an apologetic shrug. “Have you talked to him? Do you know? Or . . . wait, does it bother you that I’m wondering? I don’t want to—”
“No, of course not.�
� Jenna shook her head and forced a smile. “I remember how quiet you always were around Eli when we were little.” Jenna recalled the time when they played Truth or Dare at a sleepover in fourth grade and Delaney asked Keeley who she would choose to have her first kiss with. After Keeley admitted her choice would be Jenna’s cousin Elijah, Delaney started making kissing sounds whenever Eli was around. And then Delaney developed a crush on Eli too. Of course, it only lasted until the next guy caught her attention. Jenna didn’t have the chance to bring that up, though, because Keeley interrupted the memory.
“Phew,” Keeley exhaled the word and then laughed as she continued. “Yeah, I was actually nervous around Eli and Thomas because I thought they were both so cute.” She wrinkled her nose. “Especially Thomas. I bet his daughter is adorable.” She smiled over at Jenna and waited for a response, but it didn’t even seem like Jenna was listening anymore.
Little did Keeley know that Jenna’s unresponsiveness wasn’t because she wasn’t listening. In fact, it was the opposite. Jenna had heard every word Keeley had said, squashing her desire to share with her best friend how scared and panicked she felt and why. Just like the few times in the past when Jenna had tried to work up the courage to tell her friends what had happened to her, she decided once again to deal with it on her own. What good would it do to tell anyone anyway?
“Jenna?” Keeley finally said after an extended silence.
“Huh?”
“Nothing,” Keeley shook her head, suddenly embarrassed for even bringing up the childish crush she used to have on Jenna’s oldest cousin who was a teenager when they were in elementary school and was now a grown man with a family. “I think your parents are ready to go. Probably means mine are too.”
Jenna looked up and followed Keeley’s gaze to where Jenna’s mom was sticking her head out the door, waving them back inside. As the door slowly closed behind her, she said to whoever was within earshot, “Geez is it hot out there! I can’t believe those girls . . .”
Jenna and Keeley stood and made their way toward the back door of the church.
“So, you’re grounded for one more day?”
“Yep,” Jenna said with a nod. “No phone either. All for being honest.”
Keeley laughed. “Can you imagine if Delaney’s mom grounded her for breaking curfew? We’d only get to see her every other week.”
“Right?” Jenna agreed. “I actually wish I was grounded for breaking curfew.”
“What do you mean?”
“I wish it wasn’t because of Dustin,” Jenna said, lifting her hands and bringing them down with a slap on her thighs. “You know what?”
“What?” Keeley asked, her hand gripping the door handle.
“Her not trusting me makes me want to do the things she doesn’t want me to do, the things she thinks I’m already doing.” Jenna looked to the ground with a huff, then mumbled, “Not that I would, but you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I know,” Keeley said as she pulled the door wide open, releasing a wave of cool air. But her response was given with little thought about what Jenna had just said. After all, Jenna had always been a rule follower and a people pleaser who always considered the consequences of her actions.
July 23, 2017
Dear Diary,
I’ve been trying so hard to not let it bother me, but it’s just too hard. I can’t help it. When we get hurt, aren’t we supposed to try to protect ourselves from the same hurt happening again? I’ve been telling myself it’s over for years, that I’m safe and it will never happen again, and I was almost starting to believe it. Now, I’m not so sure.
I almost told Keeley today, except I chickened out like I’ve been chickening out since the first time I almost told her and Delaney at my ninth birthday party. Do you remember? They slept over and we were in our sleeping bags in the family room. My parents had just gotten a new cable box and forgot to set the parental controls. That one click brought me so close to telling them, but then I saw the looks of disgust on their faces. They didn’t look away, but it was obvious they’d think twice about being my friend if they knew I’d done things like that. At least that’s what I thought at the time. But why can’t I tell them now? Why do I have to feel so ashamed?
Actually, I know why. Because I’m perfect. The perfect daughter. The perfect sister. The perfect friend. The perfect niece of a pastor. The perfect student. And I have a perfect family too, right? Ha! Just because that’s what everyone sees doesn’t make any of it real.
What I’m perfect at is pretending.
I’m the perfect pretender.
Jenna
Chapter Nine
Keeley
Saturday, October 28, 2017
One Day After Jenna’s Disappearance
“Kind of ironic how she looked us up and down from head to toe when she’s the one who looks like she belongs in a circus. What. A. Bitch!” Delaney says as she kicks a landscape rock back into its bed.
It feels like we’re walking at twice the pace we did on our way to Leighton’s.
“Yeah,” I mumble, looking at my phone. “Shit.”
She glances over and emits an exaggerated sigh. “Oh my God, Keeley. Why don’t you ever charge your phone?”
“I just did,” I say, shrugging as I shove the device into my pocket. “For like five minutes anyway. So, do you think she’s telling the truth about not seeing Jenna since last night?”
“I don’t think we should believe anything that comes out of her mouth. I mean, if she knows who Jenna met up with, then why can’t she just tell us? Why is it such a big secret?”
I have no answer for Delaney but agree that we probably shouldn’t believe anything Leighton told us. Are Delaney and I any better, though? Haven’t we kept secrets for Jenna over the last couple months too? As much as I don’t like Leighton, I can’t help but respect and appreciate her loyalty to Jenna. “I agree, but we’ve been keeping secrets too, Delaney.”
Delaney responds with a sigh.
“Seriously. Maybe Leighton just doesn’t want to get Jenna into trouble. Or maybe she really is trying to be a good friend to her.”
This time, Delaney scoffs, which doesn’t surprise me. Between the two of us, she’s much better at holding a grudge.
“Look, why don’t we just forget about Leighton for now? Who else should we talk to?”
“I don’t know . . . Tina? Lisa? Jordyn? We could send a group text asking if anyone has seen or heard from her.”
“Yeah, right. Everyone in our entire school would know Mrs. Kemp is looking for Jenna if Tina found out. And if Lisa or Jordyn know something, you know Tina will find out too.” I sigh. “Maybe we should just wait. Why start even more gossip about Jenna when she’ll most likely show up at home soon?” I swallow hard when I realize that, once again, I’ve suggested Jenna isn’t missing, that she’s probably just off somewhere doing who knows what. Hopefully, I’m right.
“What about Eli?”
My breath hitches when Delaney mentions Jenna’s cousin who started hanging out with our circle of friends shortly before Jenna started distancing herself. “Good idea. Maybe he overheard something about Jenna when he was working at the theater last night.”
“Well?” She eyes my pocket. “Are you going to call him?”
As I take my phone out of my pocket, I remember the battery is at only four percent. “Actually, can you call him?”
“Seriously? Don’t tell me you still feel like you need to avoid Eli.” I can hear the eyeroll in her tone.
Looking over at her, I say, “I’m not avoiding him. I was never avoiding him. It’s just . . .” I turn my gaze back to the sidewalk in front of us. “My phone’s almost dead.”
“Fine. What’s his number?”
I pull up Eli’s contact info on my screen, and Delaney punches in the numbers as I read them to her. Then she puts the phone to her ear. “Hey, Eli, it’s Delaney . . . Nothing much. What’s up with you?” She laughs. “Anyway, we’re wondering—oh, Keeley is her
e with me. That’s how I got your number . . .”
She giggles again, causing a twinge of jealousy to invade my belly. I know flirting is the farthest thing from Delaney’s mind right now, but her tone and demeanor always change when she talks to guys. Any guy. It’s been that way since we started wearing training bras.
“Hey,” I whisper, interrupting. I stop walking and face Delaney. She stops too.
“Hang on a sec, Eli.” Delaney keeps the phone near her ear but moves it back over her shoulder. “What?” she asks me.
“Can I talk to him?”
She shrugs and hands me the phone. I bring it to my ear, and we start walking again.
“Eli?”
“Keeley?” There’s a hint of anticipation in his voice.
I can’t help but smile. “Hey, sorry to call you so early.”
“That’s okay. What’s going on?”
“Not much . . .” I say, pausing when our last real conversation comes to mind. Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if we had gone to homecoming together instead of deciding it wasn’t worth upsetting Jenna. Funny thing is, she probably wouldn’t have remembered anyway since she was so wasted that night. I clear my throat. “Delaney and I were wondering if you know where Jenna is. Or did you maybe hear anyone mention her last night when you were working?”
SPIN Page 6
