"So, drink more, play with my phone, and sit on the toilet?"
"Precisely."
"But you see how I said it? And it made more sense, right?"
"Over time, I will come to grasp your language sufficiently to make reasonable adjustments for colloquial dialects."
"Oh lordie, I hope the internet helps fix that."
He pulled his phone from a pocket on the chair and watched the screen flicker to life. Within a few seconds, images flashed at a speed he thought impossible. Even more confusing was the fact that his mind felt clearer than it had since before the accident and if he was honest, years before that.
"Can we be done? I gotta be honest, I don't think I've seen quite so much action down there in a long time. I feel like a spent balloon," AJ said.
"Certainly," Beverly answered. "There is a cheeseburger and malt delivery eight minutes from your home. You should restore your leg coverings and progress to the gate."
"Um, what?" he asked.
"Yes. Calcium, protein, fat, sugars and a host of minerals in a tasty package. What's not to like?" she asked, her clothing changing to roller skates, mini skirt, and a red striped sweater. She held a platter high above her shoulder, balanced on one hand.
"Did you suddenly turn into a TV commercial?"
"In accessing available data, it appears humans prefer characterized information delivery," she said. "Is it not more succinct, as you requested?"
He nodded approvingly. "Right on. Now, if there's a cheeseburger and milkshake at my gate in ten minutes, I think our relationship status is going to have to change."
"Does this mean you will accept our existence?"
"Let's see how good that burger is," he said, struggling to pull on his sweatpants.
He was just rolling down the ramp when he heard a banging on the outside gate. "Hang on," he called. "Who is it?"
"Tastee Burger delivery," a young man called back.
AJ's mouth watered as he swung around the end of the ramp at speed, only braking when he reached the gate. He pushed the latch up and the smell of burgers hit him square in the face as he took in the kid holding his promised dinner.
"What do I owe you?" he asked.
"Looks like this was already paid," the kid answered. "Have a good one."
AJ closed the gate and wasted no time jamming the wide straw into the top of the semi-frozen shake. His eyes rolled back in pleasure as he mowed through the double burger topped with cheese and bacon, intermittently pulling on the shake.
"Do I have your attention now, Albert Jenkins?" Beverly asked. Once again, she'd changed appearances. She now wore coveralls and her hair was pulled back by a red and white polka-dotted napkin tied around her head.
"Are you supposed to be Rosie the Riveter?" AJ asked. "You know that was World War II, not 'Nam."
"Yes. You humans have such a whimsical history," she said.
"Why Rosie?"
Beverly stood and walked over to a virtual drafting table, unrolling a set of engineering plans. "We have work to do, Albert Jenkins. We need a spacecraft."
Four
Good Doctor
"A spaceship? I can’t even walk, you daffy broad. What would I do with a spaceship?"
"The situation is quite critical. Korgul have nearly depleted Earth’s natural stores of Fantastium and Blastorium."
AJ blinked. "There's no such thing as Fantastium or Blastorium. Now I know I'm hallucinating. That's crazy talk. You can't even make up good words. Those sound like something from a kid's cartoon show."
Beverly's smile was kind, if not patronizing. "As there are no English words to describe these elements, I indeed took the liberty of creating appropriate translations. Given our previous conversations, I believed these words would hit the spot as they are both descriptive and memorable."
"I call BS."
"Tell me, Albert Jenkins, what is the provenance of this land you occupy?" she asked.
"Love the fifty-dollar words, cupcake. Why do you care?”
Beverly interlaced her fingers, placed her chin atop the steepled knuckles and batted her eyes. “A girl’s got a right to her secrets, AJ.”
His eyebrows shot up. “You called me AJ.”
She tipped her head to the side, leaned forward and smiled, showing just the smallest amount of cleavage over the top of her overalls. “Provenance?”
He grinned at the obvious flirtation and relented. “My grandad’s granddad homesteaded this whole area back when it was prairie. The property's been in our family for a hundred fifty years. We’ve been eminent-domained all the way down to this humble three-acre lot, but it’s all mine."
"It has not been occupied by persons other than your family?"
"No." AJ tossed the wrappings from the burger and the empty shake cup into the trash can and frowned when they slid off the top and fell on the floor.
"Has the ground been removed for any purpose? Perhaps to provide soil for a civil improvement project?"
"Not friggin' likely," he said. "Gramps said ornery runs in the family and we protect what's ours. Government comes sniffing around, we're just as likely to send 'em packing – with buckshot in their arse for good measure."
"I like this word ornery."
AJ struggled but managed to replace the trash bag with an empty one, setting the tied-off bag onto his lap. On the counter, an empty bottle of Scotch stared at him. For the first time in a long time he didn't feel like getting loaded. Surprising, given that he'd been off pain killers for over four hours. Scooping the bottles into a second bag, AJ looked in disgust at the room that served as kitchen, living room and bedroom. How had he managed to let things get so bad?
"What's a Korgul?" he asked, rolling his trash payload out the front door. Beverly appeared atop one of the bags as one might sit atop the peak of a mountain, her outfit having changed to hiking boots, mid-thigh khaki shorts, and a matching double-pocketed shirt with sleeves rolled up to her elbows. She also sported a pith helmet.
"A rather unlucky choice of neighbors." She'd adopted a professorial British accent and was tapping a pen against her chin. "Korgul. One of two native sentient species of planet Korgut. And again, I must warn you, I'm creating English translations rather on the fly here, so don't feel you must criticize my word choices."
"Neighbors?" AJ asked, releasing his grip on the wheels so he fairly flew down the ramp. "We've searched the skies for centuries. There's no one out there. At least not nearby."
"Bollocks," she said. "Firstly, neighbor is a relative term. Space travel is anything but linear. Secondly, do you truly believe your technology is such that advanced civilizations would not easily block detection by your primitive devices?"
"How are you gonna block an entire planet of telescopes? Have you seen the size of the radio telescopes we have? Come on, lady. I ain't buying what you're selling."
"A Korgul Prime in its natural form is the size, shape, and dare I say, consistency of the contents of a robin's egg," she said. "Consider the implications of space travel for beings with a mass of fifty grams."
"That sort of mass sounds ideal for space travel, but I don't see grape-sized bags of goo evolving far enough to construct spaceships."
"That is very perceptive, Albert Jenkins. If not for the second species on Korgut, Korgul Minor, the rise of Korgul would have been impossible. You see, the Prime have a parasitical relationship with the Minor. It's a rather unlikely co-evolutionary development, but the fact remains that it occurred."
"I think I saw a TV show like this," AJ said. "Let me guess, the Prime built the pyramids."
Beverly stared at him in confusion until understanding flooded her face. "I understand your reference. No, the Prime have only visited Earth for the last millennia. The time of the Egyptian pharaohs predates their arrival."
"If Korgul Prime travel without their hosts, you're implying they've bonded with humans," AJ concluded.
"They have indeed. The latest estimate was that more than twenty million inhabitants of
Earth were Korgul bonded. The very thing that stranded me and my fellow Beltigerskians was a fact-finding mission regarding Korgul occupation of Earth."
AJ locked the wheels of his chair and leaned forward to grasp the lip of the tall garbage dumpster. He only managed to get his fingers over the edge, but it was enough. With his other hand, he lobbed the bags over the rim.
"Twenty million is a lot." He sat back into his chair and heard a couple loud pops as his lumbar adjusted. The movement fixed the pinched feeling he’d noticed in one of his muscles, something that had been bothering him since the medicine wore off. "Oh, baby," he groaned in pleasure.
"The estimate was based on expedition data from a mission in the Earth year 1932." Beverly hung suspended from a belaying rope wrapped around a round metal peg on the end of the dumpster.
"That was a long time ago. We didn’t have spaceships back then. We barely do even now," AJ said. "How'd you end up plastered to an old rocket hull orbiting Earth?"
A rocket pack appeared in Beverly's hands and she tossed it over her shoulders like a backpack, tightening the straps. As the rockets ignited, she flew to the arm of AJ's chair and landed. "Ours was a follow-up mission. Unfortunately, our expedition ship was attacked upon entering Earth's atmosphere. Korgul spies are quite skillful. Our mission was compromised before we even started. Our ship was destroyed and our Vred hosts murdered, but not before they heroically extracted each of us and set us into orbit. Only a few of us survived but it was more than we might have expected under the circumstances."
"Vred are other aliens?" AJ asked.
Next to Beverly, the image of a vertically standing reptilian humanoid appeared. The Vred had leathery skin, a short snout and long teeth, short arms with chubby hands, stubby lower legs and a long, thick powerful tail. For reference, a human male’s image stood next to the Vred.
"On your galactic sentience scale, what kind of being are we talking about?" AJ asked, wrinkling his nose at what he considered a walking alligator.
"Vred have one of the widest ranges of all sentients regarding cognitive capacity: between thirty-six and one hundred thirty-five."
"So, they're no one-seventy-six, then," he said, reciting Beverly's score.
She sent him an excellent version of an irritated scowl. "They are a brave, honorable species. The Vred that traveled with us sacrificed their lives so my crew could live."
“What’s a Korgul look like?” AJ asked.
The alligator-like Vred disappeared and another image appeared in its place. Korgul Minor were gangly, hairless humanoids with muted facial features which included a tiny mouth, small bumps where a human’s ears would be and slits that he assumed were a nose. Beyond that, its arms and legs were thin to the point of cartoonish. Next to the humanoid sat a blue-green glob of a slimy, phosphorescent substance.
“Korgul are a moderately intelligent species,” Beverly said, her costume changing to a narrow woolen skirt, a simple white blouse, and a long wooden pointer which she dipped into the Korgul Prime goo. As she pulled back her pointer, the entire glob of goo stuck to the tip. She deposited the Prime goo onto the human's shoulder. The mass moved up the man’s neck and slithered into an eye socket.
“That’s nasty," AJ said.
"And by Galactic Empire law, illegal."
"Let me guess. Korgul don't much care about Galactic Empire laws."
"Quite," she answered.
A knock on the chain-link gate drew their attention.
“Who are you talking to?” A woman called out. AJ turned and saw Dr. Amanda Jayne peering through an opening in the gate.
“Doc, what are you doing here?” He wheeled his chair around. “I was just taking out the trash.”
She unlatched the gate and walked through. “Mind if I come in?”
AJ grinned as he rolled across the dirt. “Looks like you already have.”
Dr. Jayne’s eyes narrowed as she watched Albert move. When he stopped in front of her, she turned her head to the side in disbelief. “What are you doing out of bed and how are you getting around so well?” she asked.
“Not the first time I’ve been patched up. Not like I’m outta this chair yet,” he said, waggling his eyebrows and patting the arm of his chair.
“You … you look different,” she said. “Would you mind if I grabbed my bag and came back?”
“Sure doc, I’ll just be in the hootch. Let yourself in.”
AJ watched as Jayne excused herself and disappeared back through the gate. She had a distinctive hitch in her step. As a vet, he’d seen it before and knew exactly what it was.
“You cannot allow Dr. Jayne to examine you,” Beverly said. She’d donned a wide-striped black and white prisoner’s uniform with a ball and chain attached to her ankle. “If Korgul discover our bonding, you will be imprisoned and eventually dispatched.”
“She’s going to take my temperature and blood pressure,” AJ said. “You need to chill. Besides, Doc and I served together.”
AJ pushed through the door and scanned the room. The bag of trash he’d managed to take out had hardly made a dent in the mess. He spun his way into the kitchen, grabbed the empty trash can and wheeled it to his recliner, clearly ground zero. He was in the process of scraping the entire contents of his side table into the bin when he heard a knock on his screen door.
“Knock, knock,” Jayne’s voice called.
“Uh, come on in,” he said. “I’m just straightening up.” His eyes fell on a pile of liquor bottles that had fallen over on themselves. He sat back in his chair, chuckling.
“What’s funny?” Dr. Jayne smiled, pulling a blood-pressure cuff from her bag.
“Oh, I just haven’t felt like this for a while.”
“Like what?” she asked, approaching while holding out the blood pressure cuff. “You mind?”
“Hang on,” he said. “Why are you here?”
She raised a single, graying eyebrow. “I’ve lost a lot of boys over the years. I’m not losing another one if I can help it.”
“Couldn’t help but notice that hitch in your giddy-up when you came in,” he said. “Get that in ‘Nam?”
“Our MASH came under mortar fire. Shrapnel in my hip ruined a nerve cluster. Pretty minor if you consider everything that was going on at the time.”
“Sorry,” he said.
“It’s been a couple years,” she said and slipped the cuff under his arm. “Now people just think I’m old.”
“You are old, Doc.”
Amanda Jayne chuckled. She’d seen the best of AJ’s generation. Men who fought in a war nobody wanted and died for their country because it was asked of them. She preferred the unvarnished honesty of those who knew what hardship looked like. “Some would say it’s not polite to mention a woman’s age.”
“Good. Never want to be accused of being polite,” he said. “Now, before you get all excited probing me and all, I need something from you first.”
“You want to go slow on the pain meds, Albert,” she said. “The prescription you were given should last for another week, at a minimum.”
“AJ. And I’m off the pain meds,” he said. “The thing is, I can’t have you putting me in your computer.”
“You’re in my computer, AJ,” she said. “My computer thinks you’ve got a few months to live if things go really well.”
“I’m serious, Doc,” he said. “If you want to check me out, it stays between the two of us.”
“Are you feeling anxiety right now?” she asked. “There are good people who can talk things through with you. There’s no shame in needing a little help.”
He chuckled again. “I’m not a head case. I just can’t afford to be in your computer.”
Dr. Jayne peered over the top of her glasses at AJ, looking every bit the disapproving schoolmarm as she pumped the blood pressure cuff. AJ’s heart felt like it was racing and sweat beaded on his forehead. “One eighty over ninety,” she said, frowning disapproval as she pulled out an ear thermometer. “And you’re ru
nning a temperature. Are you on any other drugs?”
“Tell her you’re coming down from amphetamines,” Beverly said, standing on the TV set dressed in a trench coat which she opened, displaying baggies of drugs hanging inside.
“Stop it,” he growled. “I’m not saying that.”
Jayne didn’t miss a beat as she pulled out a penlight and flashed it across his pupils. “Hallucinations aren’t out of the question with your medications. Your pupils look good, though. Do you feel feverish?”
“Sorry. That wasn’t for you,” he said. “I’m not a nut case.”
“Never crossed my mind,” she said. “Are you having trouble keeping your food down? If I’m not wrong, you’ve lost at least twenty-five pounds since surgery. Some weight loss is to be expected, but we’ll need to keep an eye on that.”
AJ looked down at his belly. Until that moment, he hadn’t noticed the weight loss. “Just had a Tastee burger. Feel like I’m on the mend, Doc.”
“You know this isn’t the first time we’ve met?”
“I know."
She pointed at his abdomen. “This old chest wound is from 'Nam. I don’t recall the surgery, but I recognize my work.”
“You did good. Maybe too good because they didn’t punch my ticket. Two months of R&R and I was back at it. I'm hurt you don't remember me."
“I patched up a lot of boys back then," she said. "Don't take it personally."
AJ chuckled. "No sweat."
"Your friend said you went on to get an engineering degree and the two of you built a business.”
“You looking for a date, Doc?”
Jayne pulled out a pad, wrote quickly on it, and signed with a flourish. “Do you have someone helping you? I’m concerned with your temperature. It could indicate an infection.”
“Darnell comes by every other day or so to check on me. I think I’m getting meatloaf on Friday.”
“Today is Friday.”
AJ grimaced. “It’s bad, doc. I don’t know if she puts sand in it or what.”
“Will Darnell fill a prescription for you?”
Junkyard Pirate Page 3
