“Don’t!” His hands went to my hips, presumably to toss me to the side, but I tightened my thighs against his hips and refused to budge.
“There are no words, Dec, to tell you how much my heart hurts. It aches for you.” He made a strangled sound that gutted me. “For them.”
“Enough.”
“And while we were in the shower, you didn’t take anything from me. You gave me something. A tiny piece of my heart back. You stitched it back into place. Thank you for that.”
The pads of his fingers dug into my flesh and I knew he could take no more.
Hell, I could take no more.
I leaned forward slowly and gave him the only thing I could. I pressed my lips to his forehead. I lingered for as long as my emotional state would allow. Then I rolled off of him, rolled again to the edge of the bed, got to my feet, and went in search of my clothes.
Thankfully, I’d placed them on the small vanity when I’d undressed. The floor was sopping wet, making me wonder if Declan had bothered to dry us off at all when he pulled us out of the shower. By the looks of it, he hadn’t. Yet my hair was already drying which meant I’d been lying in bed next to him comatose for a good long while.
I quickly mopped up the floor with a towel, got dressed, and went back into the bedroom.
Declan was still on his back. His right hand rested on his tattoo, his left arm bent at a forty-five-degree angle with his forearm covering his eyes.
He was wrecked.
Emotionally devastated.
And he did that for me.
He’d thought he taken something from me when he kissed me. So in return, he gave me something back. His daughter. His Violet. He’d also given me Juliana. The longer I watched his chest rise and fall the more I wondered about his wife. She would’ve had to have been someone special. Beautiful and strong to capture a man like Declan.
I’d bet she was everything I wasn’t.
I was sorry he’d lost them.
I made it to the side of the bed and didn’t know what to do. Declan and I didn’t have heart-to-hearts. We didn’t share our deepest, darkest secrets. Only now, we had.
He’d given me Juliana and Violet, so before I left, I’d give him one more thing.
“After I was rescued, I wanted to die.” Declan moved his arm to look at me and I wished he hadn’t. It would be easier to tell him what I had to say without him looking at me. “I wanted to die so bad but I was such a coward I couldn’t do it. Then when I wasn’t recovering…whatever the hell that means, as quickly as Emerson and my parents wanted me to, I started to hate them. But that wasn’t why I ran away. I heard Emmy crying. She was in her room and I sat outside the door for a long time listening. Pissed off at the world. Pissed off at her for feeling sorry for me. When she finally sobbed herself to sleep, I went into her room. She was asleep holding a picture frame. I took it from her and I knew I needed to free her. She wasn’t crying over me, she was mourning the life she should’ve had. I put the picture back on her bed and packed my shit. I left the next day.”
“Who was in the picture?”
“Her and Thad. I wanted to set her free. Give him back to her. Those ten years they were apart, I stole from them. And she never stopped loving him, not for a single day. I know Emerson, I know she loved Thad so deeply, that love would never die.”
I looked down at him. All of the pain still marred his features but there was understanding. So I changed my mind, I wanted him to know one more thing.
“I’ve never had that. Not ever has anyone loved me. And I’ve tried to deny it, push it down, lock it away, pretend I never wanted it. But the truth is, that’s all I want. All I’ve ever wanted was to be able to love someone so completely like Emmy loves Thad, and in return be loved the same way. And it fucking kills me to know I’ll never have it. That’s why I don’t want to see Emmy. Why I don’t want to know my niece or nephew. Why I can’t be around Thad. They have everything I never will and the sight of them eats at me.”
“Autumn—”
“No more sharing, Declan. I think we’ve both had enough for one day.”
Or a lifetime.
I turned and calmly walked out of his bedroom even though I wanted to run. Then I wanted to keep going until I was far, far away. Someplace safe where I could hide from everything Declan made me feel.
Chapter 10
I hadn’t even made it into the living room when I heard them arguing.
Jesus, how long had it been since Autumn left my room? Ten minutes at most. Just enough time for me to pull my shit together after talking about Juliana and Violet.
I still didn’t understand why I’d told Autumn, but the deed was done, and there was no taking it back. And for once I wasn’t dwelling on the pain that accompanied any thoughts about my wife and daughter. It was Autumn’s face I couldn’t stop thinking about.
Fucking torture seeing the sadness in her eyes. Christ, I didn’t even think that sadness was for me. It was more for Violet and Juliana.
I needed this shit day to end. I was at the end of my rope and we still had to call Tex back. And I needed to get Thad a ticket home so he could be with his wife.
I felt a headache coming on, one that had Thaddeus Bench’s name all over it. He wasn’t going to leave easy.
“Autumn.” I heard Thad snap.
Good Lord, if I was smart, I’d turn my ass around and let the two of them battle it out.
Brother to sister, or some such shit.
“Please, just be reasonable and listen,” Autumn returned.
I made it into the room and just as I expected, the two were squaring off. The woman had to be the second craziest female I’d ever met. And the only reason Jasmin took the number one spot was because she named her weapon, Penelope. Who did that? And Penelope? At least she could’ve named it Gravedigger or Punisher, or something tough. But, no, not Jasmin. Penelope the Sig.
“Do you know what a promise is?” Thad asked.
Autumn dangerously narrowed her eyes, then inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled.
“Reel it in, big guy. I’m not being ugly to you. I’m trying to make a compromise so you can get home to my sister and take care of your family.”
“You do know you’re my family, too, right?”
Fucking hell, Thad was going to push her over the edge again when she was trying to be calm. Not to mention she’d had more than enough emotional turmoil for one day.
“Let’s call Tex back and hear what he has to say. If his intel matches mine, then this is a two-person job at most.” Thad started to interrupt but Autumn put her hand up. “But, I know you guys like to work as a team. If Max and Brooks stay behind, then we’ll have a four-person squad. More than enough firepower to take out Madeleine. She’s not here to buy, she’s here to spread her money around, get her picture taken so she can continue to con the population at large into thinking she’s some sort of saint. She doesn’t have her army with her.”
“I think you’re forgetting that your hotel room exploded. And after that, ten men stormed the building to kill you.”
Autumn waved her hand in front of her like people trying to kill her was no big thing, all in a day’s work, and no one should be concerned.
“Ten. Not five hundred.”
“I know you have a death wish, so it might’ve escaped you but it only takes one properly placed bullet to take you out.”
Or a chest full of them.
“I’m trying,” she shouted. “Jesus, Thaddeus, are you always a sarcastic asshole? I know it only takes one. And you’re wrong, I don’t have a death wish. If I die, they win.”
She was trying, and Thad was stressed about Emmy and being a dick. If it had been Max riding her ass I wouldn’t have been surprised. But Thad was normally pretty laidback.
Which meant he needed to get home before he got worse.
“Autumn’s right,” I cut in. “If Tex confirms, Strotherby’s here with minimum security. You and Kyle go back. Max and Brooks stay here with us.”
“I�
��m not—”
“You are, brother. Your wife needs you. But more than that, you need to be home. You got my word I’ve got Autumn’s back. So you can breathe easy and go home and be where you need to be.”
Thad’s shoulders hunched slightly, but it was the relief on his face that told the story. The sacrifices he was willing to make for Emmy. Thad didn’t want to be in Afghanistan, he wanted to be at his pregnant wife’s side. But he’d come anyway, so Emmy wouldn’t worry about her sister.
“It’s Tex,” Brooks announced and held up his phone.
“I’m surprised he called back, after the bitch fest he heard,” Kyle joked.
Nothing surprised me anymore, and I figured Tex had seen and heard all there was to see and hear, therefore he could tune most shit out, including Thad and Autumn arguing.
“Hey, Tex. You’re on speaker,” Brooks answered.
“I got a time for you,” Tex cut right to it. “Strotherby will be at the women’s clinic at noon.”
“Any word on her guards?” I asked.
“Her normal four personal sentries. She doesn’t leave home without them. German commandos, I can send you what I have on them. Only one I see as a potential problem. He’s crazy as fuck. When I say that, I mean he’s crazy, psychologically not right. My advice would be to take him out first.”
“Only four? How can that be right? How many did we take out at the hotel? I counted six.” I glanced at Autumn and she nodded her agreement.
“Those weren’t Strotherby’s men. They were Ahmad Khan’s soldiers,” Tex corrected.
“Who’s that?” Thad inquired irately.
“Local dealer. Mid-level.”
“Why’d he want Autumn?”
“He doesn’t want Autumn. He wants the pretty white woman with long blonde hair. Same reason every dealer, traffickers, and scumbag in a fifty-mile radius wants her. She was clocked the minute she stepped foot off the plane. Then she traipsed around without a cover and let every bad guy in the area get a good look at her. My guess, you got less than forty-eight hours before that city’s in an all-out manhunt for her. What she didn’t accomplish was hitting Strotherby’s radar. Which will make the mission easier.”
My gaze sliced to her and she looked unrepentant. Her brows raised and I narrowed my eyes.
“What?” she sassed.
“You don’t leave this house without a cover.”
“Dec—”
“Swear to God, woman, I will handcuff you to the bed if you try.” Autumn’s eyes flashed and I didn’t give the first fuck.
“What about her room?” Thankfully, Autumn gave up her attempt of shooting laser beams out of her eyes as she waited for Tex to answer Kyle’s question.
“No clue. All I know is the men were Khan’s, not Strotherby’s. And as I said, the best I can tell, no one in her detail knows Autumn’s in Afghanistan.”
That was good news even if it disappointed Autumn. She wanted to be noticed.
This was better.
“Tomorrow we’ll get a lock on Strotherby and follow her caravan away from the clinic.” I started to formulate a plan. “We can’t do it there with the media in attendance. And Autumn says that the clinic is filled with pregnant women. I don’t want any collateral damage.”
“Agreed.” Brooks looked at his phone sitting on the coffee table. “Before we let you go, you got anything we need to know about Ashaki Maloof?”
“I’m still on the fence about her, she’s got a stack of reprimands an inch thick. Maloof doesn’t like to play by the rules and she’s not well-liked at the agency. They keep her around because she’ll take assignments no one will touch, she’ll get her hands dirty doing those jobs, and her success rate is one hundred percent. Likely because she will do anything to bring down her mark.”
“Like playing the role of dutiful daughter in public and fucking daddy and brother in private,” Brooks muttered.
“Correct. That’s all I got. Keep in touch.”
Tex disconnected and Brooks nabbed his phone and shoved it in his pocket.
“Did Ash really do that?” Autumn asked.
“Indeed she did. Saw it with my own two eyes. Which I have to tell you—at the time, the intel we had was Maloof was the man’s daughter. So watching him stick his tongue in her mouth, then later watching her fucking that man’s son, who at the time I thought was her actual brother, was vomit-inducing. When I found out she was CIA and not who I thought she was, I was relieved as fuck I hadn’t actually witnessed some sort of sick, incest shit.”
After all this time, the look on Brooks’ face was still funny as hell. At the time, he and Tatiana had both look harassed and sickened when they’d come back from that particular assignment.
“I already told you Ash doesn’t like rules. But she’s smart and committed.”
“She ever tell you why?” Max stood from the arm of the couch and waited for Autumn’s response. When it didn’t come, he continued, “What about Barny Pollaski? She ever give you a reason why she wanted you to take him out?”
“A cargo container full of women and girls was all I needed to know.”
“But why you specifically? She’s gotta have a ton of mercs on speed dials. Professionals that specialize in hits. That’s not what you’re about. You don’t sell your services. I’ve seen the list of men. Much like Emerson, you pick them for a reason.”
Thad grunted at Max’s reminder that his wife had also been in the game. Emmy didn’t have the body count Autumn had, but her hands were far from clean.
Autumn looked wholly uncomfortable as she shifted from side to side. She was thinking hard about something, and I knew when she came to a conclusion because she looked from Max directly to Thad.
“I knew what Emerson was doing. Not the whole time, maybe two years after she started. Actually, I saw her at an art gallery—she was with the man I’d chosen as my next hit. He had a small stable and was looking to expand, so I needed to shut him down. But there Emmy was on his arm. At first, I thought she’d been taken. But she was working him. I watched her, and she was good. After that, I did some digging and figured out what she was doing. As good as she was, she was leaving a trail.”
“And you cleaned it up?” Thad surmised.
“There are hits that are not on Tex’s list. Some I carried out personally, some I hired out. But I had to keep her safe.”
Thad bowed his head and exhaled loudly.
“Fuck,” he grunted. “All this time you’ve had her back. Kept her safe and she didn’t even know it.”
“I know it’s asking a lot, but I’m asking anyway. Please don’t tell her. And not because I’m worried about what she’ll think of me. I’m worried she’ll feel misplaced guilt. She didn’t make me kill those men. But she’ll view it that way. She finally has you back, she has everything she ever wanted. I want her to enjoy it.”
Thad’s mouth twisted into a frown but he nodded. “I won’t tell her.”
“Thank you.”
“So tomorrow, noon. We clock this bitch and take her out.” Max brought the conversation back to the mission.
“No reason for me and Kyle to bolt if this will be done in twenty-four hours. We can break into three groups, nail the bitch, then head home.”
I glanced at Autumn and then my heart skipped a beat when she smiled full-on at her brother-in-law. “You just can’t help yourself.”
“Nope.”
“You know Declan wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” Autumn’s smile had faded and her voice had dropped to a near whisper.
That one statement was so unlike her. She didn’t need me to protect her. That was for Thad’s benefit, his peace of mind. Autumn was trying to put his mind at ease. That wasn’t like her, either.
Fucking, fucking, hell.
Heat hit my chest and burned a golden path.
“Yeah, Autumn, I do know.” Thad’s eyes came to mine. “Damn right I know.”
Christ, that felt good, too.
Chapter 11
Well, now what?
Thad had gone to his room to call Emmy. Declan had gone to his to call Zane. And I was alone with Kyle, Max, and Brooks. The three of them were very different in the looks department. They varied from hot to seriously hot. But all of them had the same intensity, an air about them that said you didn’t fuck with them or you’d end up in a world of hurt.
“Have a seat.” Kyle jerked his chin in the direction of the empty seat.
Yes, I was the only one standing in the room.
Awkward.
“I think…”
“Take a load off,” Max put in.
I tried my best not to fidget under three identical scrutinizing stares. I had no idea how to do this—whatever this was. I was fresh out of niceness, I’d used it all up when I tried to talk Thad into going home. And I was pretty damn proud of myself that I’d kept my temper in check.
But now what was I supposed to do? Sit down and shoot the shit with three men I didn’t know? And talk about what?
“Tell us about Ashaki.” My gaze went to Brooks before he continued. “What’s her deal? Why’s she so committed to her job?”
“Your man Tex didn’t tell you? He seems to know everything.”
I glanced at the chair, and before I understood what I was doing, I was moving.
Okay, maybe I could do this. Have a normal conversation with decent people. I’d spent so many years working a mark or coercing information out of the vilest, crudest assholes known to mankind, I wasn’t sure I remembered how to speak to good people.
“Nope. Not sure if Tex is holding something back or if there was nothing for him to find,” Brooks answered.
I settled back in the chair and thought about how much to tell. I wanted these men to understand Ash, trust that she was in it for the right reasons—good reasons. She was as personally invested as I was.
“When Ash was in college, her mother was taken. They reported her disappearance and nothing was done. An older woman, married, two kids, the cops thought she’d run off.”
“Why would they think that?” Brooks inquired.
“Because the neighbor reported to the police that Ash’s parents were having marital issues. Which also meant that her dad was questioned over and over about his wife’s disappearance. With no other options, Ash’s dad searched for his wife himself. He was murdered. Then Ash’s older brother picked up the thread, now mourning the loss of his mother and his father and hell-bent on vengeance. Ash’s brother Malaki faded away, submerged himself into a world he never should’ve been involved in. It took years, but he found his mom. And when he did, he lost his shit. Went totally Hari Kari and got himself killed. So there Ashaki was, no family. A mother who had been taken, enslaved, abused. A murdered father. And a brother who got himself killed by traffickers.
Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5) Page 7
