“That woman is locked up tight. She won’t even tell me how old she is,” Owen answered. “I sent Tex her toothbrush. I wanted the story to come from her but we can’t wait any longer.”
“If you need to move her to a safehouse—”
“No. She’s good where she is,” Owen cut Zane off.
Interesting. Natasha had been living with Owen. Yeah, it was time for me to beat feet. Love was in the air so thick I couldn’t breathe.
“Keep working her,” Zane instructed. “Gabe, Mathias will be in touch with you if he needs anything.”
“Copy that. We’re ready,” Myles, the Blue Team’s leader responded. “Dec and his team took all the action and left us with the cleanup. How about next time, we get the fun, and Gold gets the grunt work.”
The room filled with chuckles but I remained silent.
“Good. Then we're done. Jaxon, Thad, and Dec, a moment in private,” Zane requested.
No, Zane demanded—he simply had phrased it like a request.
Fucking, fucking, hell.
The rest of the men and Jasmin filed out of the room. While I waited, I tried the old trick of counting to ten. When that did not a thing to calm my temper, I made it to thirty before I gave up the ghost and admitted to myself that there was nothing that was going to quell my anger.
“Dec—”
“Don’t.”
Zane leaned back, completely unaffected by my tone.
Asshole.
“Given you a long time,” he continued. “Probably too long.”
“And them? Why are they here?”
“Because they’re your brothers. More so than the men who just left. Jaxon’s your sister’s husband. And Thad’s your woman’s brother-in-law.”
I fought to keep my hands where they were instead of wrapping them around Zane’s neck.
“She’s not my woman,” I seethed.
“Who knows?” Zane ignored my correction.
“Knows what?”
“About Juliana.”
The oxygen in the room thinned and my vision became hazy. “Don’t you fucking—”
“Who knows?” Zane demanded.
“Kyle and Max.”
“Who’s Juliana?” Thad’s question burned so hotly I was afraid I’d explode.
“My wife.”
Thad made an angry growl and my gaze sliced to him. His eyes narrowed and I waited. Then everything clicked together for Thad and there it was—the pity I didn’t want.
“Alive and breathing,” Thad whispered as the puzzle pieces of past conversations snapped together. “How’d it happen?”
None of my anger at Zane slipped, but pain invaded every part of my being.
“Drive-by at my daughter’s first birthday party.”
I heard it, both men inhaled so deeply it was a wonder they’d left any oxygen in the room.
“Where’s—”
“Dead. Juliana was holding Violet and they took four to the chest,” I callously blurted out.
It was a fucked-up thing to do and I knew it, but I was so pissed I didn’t care. They all should’ve minded their own business.
Numbness took over. Yes, this was what I needed. I had to find that place where nothing could hurt me. Nothing broke past the walls. I’d become soft and had let each of my teammates in. None of them got the whole story, but each had pieces of me. I’d known better than to let that happen.
“You got something to say, say it, Jaxon,” I invited when the man continued to stare at me mutely.
“Brother, you can’t know this because you’ve never let her close. But that sister of yours, she’s got magical powers, Declan. You got unimaginable grief bottled up. I get it, I understand why you locked down and kept it for yourself. But what you can’t know is, Violet needs to hear this. She deserves to hear it. You lost your daughter so she lost a niece. Her namesake. You open up to her and I swear to you, she’ll help you dig it out, all that pain. She’ll work her ass off to see you through. We all will. But especially her.”
“I don’t want her working her ass off for anything.” I slammed my palms on the table, uncaring my control had slipped. “I want her to continue living her life smiling and happy. Enjoying her family.”
“Fucking hell, Declan. You are family. You’re her twin brother. Does she get to enjoy you? Does she get to enjoy seeing her brother hold his nephew? All she wants is her family to be happy and that includes you.”
Silence fell and the vise that had tightened on my heart finally shattered the organ. I could no longer keep my emotions at bay. Everything was rushing to the surface. Autumn’s rejection. Juliana and Violet.
“I can’t do this. I thought I could. I thought I had shit squared away but I don’t. I never did. I fucked up. I never should’ve come back.”
“What’s fucking with your head?” Thad asked.
“Better question is, what’s not?”
“Break it down,” Zane rejoined.
Fucking bastard. This was his fault. He never should’ve brought Juliana and Violet up.
Bile churned in my stomach just thinking about admitting what kind of man I was.
“There’s not a damn thing we can’t help you work out.”
“Yeah? You think that?” I didn’t bother to hide my attitude.
“Know, brother.”
“I’ve been seeing Autumn for months,” I told him something he knew. “What kind of asshole does that make me, that every goddamn night I’d go to her and fuck my problems away? The one woman who deserves nothing but good and clean and gentle. And I kept going back taking more. She’s the only one who understands. The only fucking place I felt at peace was when I was with her.”
“You ever stop to think you gave her the same in return? That maybe you’re exactly what she needs? That the two of you being the same, carrying heavy burdens, do your best to keep the demons from taking over, that maybe she was taking from you?” Zane returned. “Not trying to be a dick, Declan, but Autumn’s not the first—”
“I don’t think about Juliana,” I blurted out. “Fuck!” My hands went to my face and I pressed the heels of my palms against my forehead. “Autumn’s the only woman that’s ever made me forget. I don’t think about Juliana when I’m with her. Christ, I barely think about her at all. How fucked is that? I close my eyes at night and I see Autumn. I can hardly remember what Juliana looks like. What kind of asshole does that make me? I’ve replaced my wife.”
“You have to let her go,” Thad gently told me and I wanted to punch him in the face.
Fuck, that hurt.
“I have. She left and I’ve respected her—”
“No, not Autumn. You have to let Juliana go.”
My breath caught, my heart stopped, and my muscles bunched.
“She’s gone, brother. But you can have it again.”
“I can’t.”
“Alive and breathing,” he pushed. “Autumn’s alive and breathing and she’s got you twisted into knots. That should tell you something. And I’ll remind you again, you told me you wanted it. A woman waiting for you at home, a home the two of you made. You want that life, here’s your shot. Take it.”
“We’re not talking about you and Emmy.”
“No. We’re talking about you and Autumn. She needs you as much as you need her. Let the past go and take your shot at something good. Take it, Declan. You’re the only man who can heal her wounds and you know it.”
Did I know it?
All I knew was every part of me hurt. Every part ached for Autumn. Every inch of my body begged for me to find her. But more than that, my soul yearned for her.
“I need to go.”
No one stopped me when I got up to leave. No one tried to approach me when I left the building.
And before I understood where I was driving to, I was parked in front of Autumn’s. She wasn’t there, hadn’t been there in the two weeks since she’d left. And I knew that because I was a pussy and had slept alone in her bed every night.
> What the hell did I do now?
Chapter 21
Awkward.
That was the only word I could think of to describe the last week. I suppose it was better than the angry, bitter, pissed-off I was when I’d arrived at my dad’s, but not by much.
My mom had talked and talked and talked. That was her way when she was nervous, but I felt like she just kept packing in all the words she could so she could say everything she wanted to before I took off again and disappeared for another nine years.
My dad had watched it all. He spoke when directly spoken to, but other than that, he offered nothing. But from the moment I’d wake up until I went to bed, he hadn’t taken his eyes off of me.
Mom had invited Dad and me back to her house, which used to be our house. I swiftly declined. I never wanted to step foot back into that house. So Mom took Dad’s bed, I slept in his guest bedroom, and he slept on his couch.
They’d been divorced for years but I thought that Emmy had told me they were reconnecting. However, nothing in my father’s body language said reconciliation and my mom was walking on eggshells.
Awkward.
And no one was asking what I knew they wanted to know. Where I’d been for the last nine years. My nerves were frazzled. I missed Declan more than I thought possible.
And I wanted to throw a temper tantrum and scream like a two-year-old. What thirty-year-old woman does that?
“Autumn, honey—”
“Mom,” I hissed and she stepped back.
Shit.
I couldn’t stop my hand from raking through my hair and yanking.
“I’m sorry, Mama, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Then I watched tears brim in her eyes.
“I’m talking too much. I know. I’m just—”
“Just ask what you want to know,” I invited.
“Am I that obvious?”
“You’re my mom. Nine minutes, nine hours, nine years, I’m not gonna forget. I know you become chatty when you’re nervous.”
“She’s got your number, Meggy,” my dad said, and offered me a can of soda.
I would’ve preferred liquor, or at least I thought I would’ve. I’d never been drunk so I couldn’t know for sure, but I needed something to calm the jitters.
“Are you happy?” my mom asked.
“What?”
“That’s what I want to know.”
“No,” I answered honestly and my mom broke down.
My dad moved to her, wrapped her in his arms, and held her while she cried.
Shit. How did I fix this?
“You’re gonna be grandparents. Emerson and Thad are having a baby.”
My mom sucked in a breath but said nothing.
“Thad’s a good guy. He loves her like crazy. He’s excited.”
More silence.
Shit.
“She’s happy. Really happy.”
Still nothing.
“I just spent time with Thad—”
“Stop, sweetheart,” my dad commanded. “We’re happy for your sister. But we’re not talking about her. We’re talking about you. Her happiness doesn’t make us any less devastated. We have two daughters. Two beautiful, smart girls. One is not more important than the other. I know you’re trying to make us feel better by telling us her good news but that doesn’t negate the fact that you’re hurting.”
“I just—”
“I know what you were doing. You’ve done it your whole life. Since you were a little girl, you always celebrated Emerson’s achievements more than your own. But we love you two the same. Have you talked to Emmy?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
I felt exceptionally uncomfortable under my dad’s scrutiny, and when I started shifting from foot to foot, I knew he knew.
“Why not, Autumn?” he pushed.
“Because I feel guilty for tearing apart our family. She lost Thad. The two of you lost each other. Emmy lost her parents.”
“And what’d you lose?”
I stared at my dad and couldn’t swallow past the lump in my throat.
“Everything,” I whispered.
“No, sweetheart, you didn’t. You didn’t lose anything. Things were stolen from you. But not everything. We’ve been here waiting. But you knew that, didn’t you, or you wouldn’t have come back when you needed us.”
Shit.
“This guilt you’ve been carrying around isn’t yours. Emerson made decisions, and those are hers. I couldn’t figure out how to deal with my grief and I pushed your mother away, that’s on me. Your mom made choices and those are hers. The one person who didn’t have a choice was you. That’s what was stolen. Then you had more and more taken from you.” My dad sighed and squeezed my mom. “We knew you were gonna run and we fought about it, your mom and me. I wanted to have you committed and your mom refused. Then you took off and once again I wrongly blamed your mom. I did that. Those were my mistakes.”
I was taken aback by my dad’s admission. I had no idea he’d wanted to have me committed. And if he had, I would’ve viewed that as more rejection, not him trying to get me help.
“Emerson loves you,” my mom shared. “When the two of you were growing up, sometimes I’d watch you two together and my heart would burst with happiness. Other times, I’d be jealous that the two of you were so close, you didn’t need me. You had each other and that was all you needed. Pretty silly for a mom to be jealous of her babies. But for you, it was Emmy and Daddy. The sun rose and set with them.”
“I loved you,” I corrected.
“I know you did, sweetheart. I’m not trying to have a one-woman pity party, I know you loved me, but you adored your daddy. And your sister was your hero and I’m just happy that for the first nineteen years of your life you had that. And all I can do now is pray that you’ll find that again. With your dad, your sister, me, friends, a man, maybe one day with your own children. I want you to feel that love.”
“I don’t deserve that.”
“Of course you do.”
“If you knew me. The woman I’ve become. Knew the things I’ve done, you wouldn’t think that.”
“Impossible,” my dad corrected. “I know my daughter.”
“You don’t, Dad. I’ve turned into a cold-hearted—”
“Stop it,” he snarled and my back shot straight. “There’s nothing you could possibly have done that makes me believe you’re not worthy of the very best.”
The last thread of my sanity snapped. I shouldn’t have come back. I should’ve let bygones be bygones and allowed my parents to go on wondering what happened to me. That would’ve been the kind thing to do. Now I was filled with anger.
Before I could lash out, there was a knock at the door.
My hand automatically went for my weapon, then I turned to my dad. “Are you expecting company?”
“No.”
“Take Mom into the bedroom.”
“Autumn—”
“Now, Dad.”
I stalked to the door, waited for my dad to move my mom down the hall, then I slowly opened the door.
“You’re losing your touch. I figured I’d be facing down the business end of that nine you love so much.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Surprise.” Ash smiled.
“Surprise? How’d you find me?”
“You gonna invite me in to meet your parents or are you gonna make me stand on the porch all day?”
I hadn’t exactly covered my tracks, but I also hadn’t made it easy to track me to my hometown.
“I’ll let you in after you tell me how you found me.”
“Beth,” Ash answered.
“Right.”
I stepped aside to let Ash in, simultaneously thinking up a lie to tell my parents and trying not to get pissed at my friend Beth. I’d failed at both when my dad appeared sans my mother.
“Mr. Pierce,” Ash greeted. “What a pleasure to meet you. I’m Ashaki Maloof, a friend of Autumn’s.”
My dad stared at me and I gave him a tight smile and a nod. “Mom can come out. Ash is a good friend of mine.”
Two seconds later, my mom appeared, which meant she hadn’t stayed in the bedroom. I would’ve been annoyed if I hadn’t been so confused.
“Mrs. Pierce. Nice to meet you as well.”
“Ashaki, is it?” my mother asked and Ash smiled. “What a lovely name.”
“How do you know Autumn?” Dad inquired.
“We work together.”
What the hell was she doing?
“That’s great. Where do you work?” My mom looked between me and Ash and I frantically tried to come up with a lie.
But once again, Ash got in there first. “The CIA.”
“The Central Intelligence Agency? That CIA?” my mother gasped and I knocked my shoulder into Ash’s.
“Mom, I don’t—”
“Autumn’s a consultant. But yes, that CIA. We’ve worked together for years. Your daughter had been invaluable. She’s saved countless women from enduring the pain she herself endured. Her leaving the agency is going to be a huge loss.”
“What?” I turned to Ash.
“That’s why I came by, my sweet friend, to tell you it’s time for you to move on. You’ve done your part, now it’s time for you to start living.”
“I think we need to speak in private,” I hissed.
“No, it’s time you stop hiding. Your parents should know all the good you’ve done so in the future if you need to be reminded they’ll have that knowledge. The number’s close to seven-hundred, that’s how many victims of human trafficking your daughter has rescued. She’s put herself in grave danger, she’s sacrificed, and she’s done things that she’ll tell you she’s ashamed of. But I’m telling you, I have nothing but the utmost respect for your daughter’s courage.”
Ashaki turned to me, grabbed my hands, and tugged me closer. “Be happy, Autumn. Let go of the past. Leave it all behind. Find Declan. Oh, and you’re fired. If you call Beth, I’ve explained things to her and she won’t help you. As a matter of fact, I took the liberty of severing all ties you had and I put the word out you’re under Declan Crenshaw’s protection. And just to be safe, I dropped Zane Lewis’s name, too. No one is stupid enough to mess with either of those men.”
Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5) Page 13
