As gently as I could manage with a maelstrom of emotions running through me, I rocked into her, ignoring the way her pussy hugged my cock, deliberately not thinking about how hot, wet, and sleek she was.
“Faster, Dec.”
Fucking hell.
“Slow, baby, I want to show you how much I appreciate the gift you’re giving me.”
“It’s you who’s giving me a gift,” she corrected.
“You’re wrong. There’s nothing I can ever give you that would mean more than what you’re giving me. Your body, your trust, your emotions—all of you. Just feel with me.”
“More,” she moaned.
“Baby—”
“More weight, Dec. I wanna feel you everywhere. Just you. Only you.”
Jesus fuck.
I lowered down farther and her arms tightened, her fingertips trailed down my back, then her nails scored my skin as she continued to roam. Pain and pleasure mixed, but Autumn’s eyes never left mine as she explored. She didn’t stop, she didn’t rush, she just continued.
I wanted to howl in satisfaction, revel in the beauty she was giving me, groan in pleasure. Everything that had been taken from her and she still had it in her to give me this.
Give it to us.
Goddamn beautiful.
“I need more,” she whispered, and I adjusted the angle and thrust harder. “Yes.”
I reached back, grabbed her arm, found her hand, laced our fingers together, brought her knuckles to my mouth and kissed them. I guided our combined hands to the mattress and rested them by her head.
“This okay?”
“Yes,” she moaned and arched into me.
My eyes moved over her face, drinking in the sight of her, the blush on her cheeks, the way her lips parted. I took in the sexy sounds she made and I could no longer ignore the constant throbbing in my cock.
“Can you take more?”
“Yes. So close.”
“Thank Christ,” I growled and drove in.
Autumn’s breath whooshed out with the force of my drives. Her pussy convulsed and our groans mingled.
“So good, honey,” she panted and my chest tightened.
“Gonna take you harder,” I warned.
Her hand squeezed mine and she lifted her hips to meet my thrusts and I was beyond control. She’d taken it. She owned it. She owned all of me.
“So fucking beautiful,” I groaned. “All of you, baby. The way you hold on. Your pussy strangling my cock. So damn wet. Your hands on me. Your face. Your gorgeous eyes. Fucking Christ, Autumn, I can’t get deep enough, I wanna lose myself in you. Everywhere, I feel you everywhere, and it’s so beautiful, so good I can’t get enough.”
“Declan,” she moaned, then her body locked tight and my jaw clenched as her orgasm broke and her pussy pulsed around my cock.
“So goddamn good, baby.”
I rocked harder, then planted as deep as I could get, which wasn’t deep enough because I wanted to consume her, wanted to fuse us together, wanted more, deeper. But with no farther to go, I dipped my head, took her mouth, and groaned my orgasm down her throat as I emptied myself inside of her.
Fucking, fucking, hell.
Autumn’s tongue tangled with mine as she mewed her pleasure. When the tremors stopped and I regained the use of my body, I slowly started moving inside of her, not wanting to lose our connection. I ended the kiss but kept moving.
“Eyes open and on me,” I demanded.
“I’m with you,” she panted.
She had no idea how true her words were.
“Yeah, baby, you are.”
She lifted her head, pressed her lips to my throat.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Her mouth roamed my neck, my weight pressed against her chest, a position of vulnerability. Yet another gift she was giving me.
If I was waiting for the guilt to come, it never did. I had the arms of my woman wrapped around me, she felt safe and cared for, and for once in my miserable life, I felt totally at peace.
I couldn’t take it. I shoved my face in her throat, her head hit the pillow, and I pressed into her.
All of my weight.
All of me.
Her limbs tightened, holding me close. My fingers, still threaded with hers, tingled.
Connected.
My throat constricted, my heart throbbed, and my soul healed more.
With great regret, I lifted my head and muttered, “Condom, baby.”
“I hate those things,” she grumbled, looking totally dejected and thoroughly happy at the same time.
Autumn had never complained about condoms before, and for me, they were what they were—necessary.
Though now, I had to admit, I didn’t want the barrier between us, but that wasn’t up to me.
“When you’re ready, we’ll quit using them.”
“Why do you keep saying that? What about when you’re ready?”
“Because I’m ready when you are.”
Her eyes narrowed in disbelief. “How is that possible?”
“I don’t know. It just is. Let go, baby, I need to get rid of this.”
With one last perusal of my face, she unwrapped her limbs.
I went to the bathroom, quickly did my business, and made it back to the bed. Autumn had righted the comforter and moved to her side, still nude.
“You want your clothes, baby?”
“Um…I’ve never slept…”
“Okay, let me find them for you.”
“No,” she blurted out and I straightened. “If it’s okay with you, I want to try.”
“Autumn, sweetheart, you cuddled up next to me naked, I don’t know if I can live through that hardship.”
Her eyes squinted and an adorable look of ticked-off washed over her features. And it struck me, I never thought I’d describe Autumn as adorable. Capable. Skilled. Deadly. Sexy as hell. Yes, absolutely. Cute or adorable, no way. But there she was, looking adorably sexy. Not the least bit shy, her tits were on full display.
“Are you teasing?”
“Yeah, Autumn, I’m teasing.”
Her gaze left mine and went lower. With pink cheeks, she asked, “Are you ready again?”
I didn’t know if it was shock in her voice, or if it was full of wonder, or if she was actually appalled, but I couldn’t stop the bark of laughter.
“Your dick is hard and bobbing up and down, Declan,” she accused, and that only made me laugh harder.
“Good God, stop, you’re gonna bruise the poor thing.”
That did it. I roared, not giving the first fuck my cock was jerking violently as my body rocked.
“If you break it and we can’t have sex again, I’m gonna be pissed.”
And she sounded like she would be, but that still didn’t stop me from laughing.
Sweet Jesus, how long had it been since I’d laughed so hard tears sprung in my eyes?
Fuck, yeah, we were totally laughing more. Naked, clothed, didn’t matter. This shit felt fucking great.
Chapter 29
A ringing phone woke me up, and as my eyes opened, I saw Declan reaching for the nightstand. Then I noticed it was daylight and my head was still on his chest where he’d put me last night after he was done with his laughing jag.
I smiled at the thought of his cock bouncing around as he laughed. It was a sight to see. Declan in all his naked glory, smiling bright, and his big dick bobbing around.
Yep, my new mission in life was to make Declan laugh, preferably nude, but I’d take clothed if I had to.
The thought gave me pause. My new mission. Did that mean I was ready to give up my old one? Could I do them both simultaneously? Was it possible for him to go off on his assignments and me go off chasing my next target, and then for us to come together when we had time? How was that going to work?
“Babe, did you hear me?”
“No.”
To my disappointment, because I was enjoying myself, Declan rolled me off his chest and looked down a
t me.
“Where’d you go?”
Welp, no time like the present to get it out.
“How does this work?”
“Not tracking. How does what work?”
“You and me? You get sent out a lot and there’s no shortage of targets for me. So how does this work? We see each other when we see each other?”
Shit, why did that hurt so bad?
Dec’s face turned to granite and his red eyes went hard. “How about we talk about that when we have time? That was Zane. Tex called, he needs everyone in the office.” My heart clenched and I winced. “That means you, too, and remember what I said—Tex isn’t gonna be pissed at you.”
He read me wrong, I wasn’t worried about Tex.
“Does that mean Thad, too?”
“Yeah.”
“Damn. He and Emmy had breakfast plans with my parents.”
Then Declan grinned, the change so startling all I could do was stare.
“This shouldn’t take long. Maybe they can postpone a few hours.”
I was so taken by his smile I couldn’t speak, so I nodded my acknowledgment.
“You care,” he whispered.
I slowly blinked and drew up all the courage I could. This was Dec. I trusted him. I could drop the tough-chick act and be real. Admit things I wouldn’t tell another soul. He’d keep my secrets, but more, he’d understand.
So when I opened my eyes and took in his handsome face, I said, “I do. My sister’s having a baby. She needs her family. She needs Mom. I want her to have that and I want my parents to know their grandchild, to know Thad. They’re good parents. We just…lost our way. Everything got messed up but it’s time to piece it back together.”
“And where do you fit into that?”
“My dad killed Stanley James.”
“Say again?”
I sucked in a lungful of air, kept my eyes on Dec, and explained what had really happened to Stanley and his wife.
When I was done, Declan didn’t look the least bit phased. As a matter of fact, his face was carefully blank.
“You protecting people,” he mumbled.
“What?”
“You protected your dad.”
“Well, yeah, he was sloppy. He didn’t wear gloves. His prints were all over the house, and even if he was Stanley’s partner, the cops would’ve questioned him, and my dad would’ve caved.”
“You protected Emerson.”
“Of course I did, she’s my sister. She was in way over her head. She was running a good scam, she’s smart, but the part of the plan she couldn’t follow through with was taking out all her targets. She was leaving too many men breathing. Eventually, it was going to catch up with her. Someone needed to take her back.”
“You care,” he repeated. “You protected the people you love the best way you could. You were lost, alone and hurting, but you never stopped taking care of them.” There was a long pause and during this time, I remained silent. “Where do you fit into this family reunion?”
Shit.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you blame your dad for what happened to you?”
Shit, shit, shit.
“I did at the time. I did after I was rescued. But I don’t anymore. And the hurt I’d been carrying around all these years I let go of when he and I talked.”
“So what’s holding you back?”
“Emerson,” I whispered. “I took the most from her.”
“The choice is yours. But I want you to listen carefully. Emerson doesn’t blame you. Not for anything. Nothing, baby. I can’t say I know her as well as the rest of the team but I know her well enough to know she wants you in her life. She searched for you—”
“That’s the problem. How do I face her when I knew all those years that she was looking for me? I knew where she was, what she was doing, and there were times—a lot of times—we were in the same room and I hid from her. She wasted her life looking for something that wasn’t lost. Years she stayed away from Thad all because of me.”
Something that looked downright painful washed over Declan and he frowned.
“I understand that guilt.” Declan brushed my hair off my shoulder but kept a hank in his hand and started twirling it around his finger. I was so lost in how good that felt I almost missed him mutter, “I knew about Violet and I didn’t approach.”
It took me a moment to realize he was talking about his twin sister, Violet, and not his daughter.
“Yeah?”
“I found her before I went into the Marines. I needed my birth certificate. My adoption was closed like hers. When I saw I was a multiple, I started looking. The day I went to see her, I stood across the street and watched her. It was her graduation party. She looked so happy, I didn’t want to ruin that. I was so messed up I didn’t want her to see me. I didn’t have the life she had. When our parents died, the Meyers adopted her immediately. I was bounced around from one foster home to the next. In and out of boys’ homes between. I didn’t want her to know. She was sunlight and smiles. I was nothing more than a hoodlum whose only option was to join the military or be homeless, in jail, or running some game on the street. She lived in an upper-middle-class neighborhood with a bright future so I stayed away.
“And when I saw her again, she was with the CIA. I sat across the table from her while she did my interview before I took a long-term undercover assignment. She was right there, still sunlight and smiles. And I was nothing more than a highly trained government assassin with more marks on my soul than I could count. I had a dead wife and daughter and I didn’t want one damn thing to do with my sister. I didn’t want to know her, I didn’t want her to know me, I wanted far away from everything she was.”
Declan’s face twisted into an angry grimace and his chest rose and fell with every shallow breath he took. I didn’t know how to help him, how to take his pain away, which I’d have gladly done. I’d absorb every ounce of it if it meant he’d feel the same peace he’d offered me.
I reached for his hand, untangled his fingers from my hair, then laced them together and held tight, silently begging for him to continue.
And after a few more moments, he did.
“After I turned my back on her, she still protected me. She was willing to give up her life to protect my cover. Jesus fuck, how do I make that right? She betrayed her oath for me. She could be dead right now, she would be dead right now if it wasn’t for Jaxon and Zane. And still, what do I do? I keep her at arm’s length. I refuse to let her near me, to get to know me because I’m still that fucked-up eighteen-year-old boy not wanting to tarnish all her goodness. I do that knowing it guts her. So, baby, I get it. I understand why you’re struggling with Emerson. All I can tell you is, it’s your choice, and whatever you decide, I’m with you.”
Declan stared down at me, his jaw tight, but still, I saw the tic under his right eye. Eyes that incidentally were blazing red, something I was coming to understand they did when he was pissed. When he was relaxed, not-pissed-off—because I couldn’t say Declan was ever really truly happy, so the best you got was not-totally-pissed—they were more brown than red. But right then, they were red, they were hard, his jaw was clenched, and I hated that. I just didn’t know what to do to make it better.
“Dec—”
“We need to get going, the team’s waiting,” he cut me off.
“Maybe we—”
“Not now.” His tone was firm and left no room for argument, yet still weirdly gentle.
He wasn’t biting my head off but he made it clear the conversation was over. I could give him that. Besides, it gave me time to come up with a way to help him. I figured I didn’t need all that much time, because I knew what I needed to do. I was just too scared to do it.
Growing up, my dad had given me and Emmy a lot of advice, he’d give us words of wisdom, and always had time to teach his girls important lessons. One of those was: always lead by example. Another thing he’d drilled into us was: only a weak-minded person lives by t
he saying, do as I say, not as I do.
Which meant, before I offered my opinion or advice, I’d better be ready to follow it. And I wasn’t sure I was ready to face Emmy, so I needed to keep my mouth shut about Violet. Even though I wanted him to talk to her. He would never agree, but he needed her. Maybe more than she needed him. By the sound of it, she’d grown up in a good home surrounded by family. Declan had not. So, yeah, he needed her. And I was going to make sure he had her. As soon as I found the gumption to fix things with Emmy.
“Okay,” I agreed and he blinked. I ignored his surprise and continued. “Do I have time for a shower or is this one of those, pull my hair into a ponytail and get a move on it times?”
He blinked again, this time slower, then muttered a painful, “Fuck.”
“Well? Which it?”
“Just like that. Fucking hell.”
I didn’t answer because I didn’t think it was a question nor did he need confirmation that yes, indeed, it was just like that. He’d asked for the topic to drop, therefore I dropped it. It was the least I could do when he did the same for me.
“You take an hour to get ready?”
That was a question, one that I deemed idiotic since he already knew what kind of woman I was, and that was not the kind who needed an hour.
“Right. You jump in the shower and I’ll make coffee.”
That was disappointing, I’d rather him shower with me. At that thought, my hand spasmed in his and he gave me a quizzical look. I wasn’t touching on the topic of how I’d gone from a reclusive, shut-out with steel-reinforced walls, to a woman who wanted intimacy. Or more accurately, I craved intimacy with Declan.
How freaking weird was that?
“I’ll just be a few minutes,” I told him.
“Everything all right?”
“Peachy.”
Declan didn’t believe that for one second but just like I’d done for him, he dropped it, bent forward, brushed his lips on mine, and said, “You know it’s you, right?”
“Me what?” I whispered.
“The only one who’s strong enough to take scraps, the fragments, the remnants I have left and patch them together. I’ll never be whole in the way normal people are. There will always be chunks missing. But you’ve shown me those missing pieces don’t have to be black holes. They can be there, I can mourn them, I can miss them, and now I can acknowledge them and move on. There’s no one else, Autumn, just you, baby. Only you.”
Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5) Page 19
