“You helped!” I called back over my shoulder, and then I put on speed, rising up over the trees where I couldn’t see or hear him anymore.
Tears blurred my vision so that I could barely see where I was flying. The cold wind seemed to go right through my shirt, and within minutes, I didn’t feel the broomstick in my frozen hands.
I was forced to slow down and think about where I was going. When my anger faded away, I felt numb inside and out. Suddenly, I didn’t want to be alone.
Unfortunately, since I’d left both my bag and my coat behind, I didn’t have the keys to my house or a phone to call anyone. But I hoped that I could find someone who I could talk to.
I turned and flew in the direction of Ashleigh’s house.
There were no cars in the driveway, but I saw the light on in her bedroom window, so I flew up and rapped on that.
Ashleigh’s face appeared moments later, and I saw her jaw drop when she spotted me. She pointed down to her front door.
I landed in the front yard and wrapped my arms around myself to in a vain attempt to warm up. Then the front door swung open.
“Rosa! What are you doing here? Did something happen?” She waved me in with her. “My goodness, you’re freezing! Come into the kitchen and I’ll start the kettle.”
The heat stung my skin when I stepped inside, but I was happy to accept the blanket she offered. I wrapped it around me and curled into a chair at the kitchen table while Ashleigh started the kettle boiling. “Sorry to drop in on you like this,” I said when my teeth had stopped chattering enough for me to talk. “I left my coat. And my phone. And my keys.”
She pulled out the chair across from me and sat down. “How? It seems like something’s wrong.”
My hands were shaking, although I wasn’t shivering from the cold any longer. Something warm trickled down my cheeks and I realized that I was crying again. I covered my face in my hands.
“Oh, dear,” I heard Ashleigh say, followed by the scrape of her chair across the floor. Then I felt the warm pressure of her arms around my shoulders. I leaned into her and kept crying.
I poured out my pain and my anger. It was all wrung out of me. And when it was gone, the numbness returned. I had nothing left.
The kettle whistled. Ashleigh reluctantly let go of me and got up to take it off the stove. When she returned, she set a hot mug of tea down in front of me, and then pulled her chair closer so she could sit and hold my hand.
I took a deep breath. “I guess you’re waiting for me to explain.”
“Only if you want to,” she said gently.
“I—” I shook my head. “It feels like it happened to someone else, and I just watched it. I still can’t believe it was real.”
She squeezed my hand. “You’re in shock.” She took a deep breath. “Just tell me. Do I need to call Glen to go kill someone?”
I shrank back from her. “Why would you even say that?”
She gave a faint smile. “Sorry. Bad joke.” She let go of my hand and leaned back into her own chair. “I just want you to know that we have your back.”
“No.” I picked up my tea, which was still too hot, and let the warmth seep through the mug into my hands. “I just had a fight with Kai. It—today was our three-month anniversary. It was supposed to be special.”
She didn’t say anything, just sat there and listened.
I sighed. “Well, it’s hard to talk about. Things were just weird and awkward. I told him that I didn’t want to—that I wanted to stop, and then he said these awful things.” I chewed on my bottom lip. “Like, he accused me of not being attracted to him.”
Ashleigh stiffened in her chair. “Did he hurt you? Because I will call Glen after all.”
“No, he didn’t touch me, I promise.” I wrapped my arms around myself. “But I didn’t want to stay there anymore. We were going out to dinner tonight, but I just took off. I left my stuff behind.”
She sighed and leaned forward. “Look at me, Rosamunde.” She waited until I looked up at her, and her expression was serious. “This is really not okay. He shouldn’t try to pressure you like that. Don’t feel guilty because you said no.”
I nodded. “I know, but I’m sure he’s really mad at me right now. When I flew off, he screamed that I was ruining our anniversary. I tried to explain that I just didn’t feel ready, because of how bad things went with Lindsey, and I didn’t want to rush our relationship before we talked about it—”
She put her hand on my arm. “It doesn’t matter what your reasons are. You said no, and he should respect that.”
“Yeah, I know.” I sniffled. “I’ve seen the after-school specials. But it was really hard to say no, especially when it hurt his feelings. I never meant to hurt him.”
Guilt was coming in waves now. I’d been lying to him, and avoiding him, and I’d promised to do better on both counts. Now I’d made things so much worse. I buried my face in my hands.
“I think I just ruined our relationship,” I moaned. “He was the best thing I had, and I pushed him away, after I promised that I would stop pushing him away.”
Ashleigh coughed politely. “I didn’t know you guys were having problems. Is he pushing because he’s afraid of losing you? You know, you told me once that if you don’t want to spend all of your time with someone, that could be a sign that you don’t love them.”
I shook my head. “It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with him—” I stopped. “Well, maybe a little. I don’t want to be around him when he gets like this.”
“Has he done this before?”
I thought back over the past few months. “Nothing like this. But maybe he was leading up to it. Sometimes I felt like he was smothering me, and I’d try to avoid him, so it wouldn’t get uncomfortable.” I shook my head. “That’s not it, though. He only made me promise to spend more time with him than—” I stopped myself just in time. “Than with someone else,” I finished lamely.
She put her hand on my arm again. “Who? Is there someone else?”
I flinched away. “Not like that,” I said quickly. “Just a friend. But Kai is all worried that I like girls better than him, and he’s jealous.”
Ashleigh frowned. “I’m a girl. He isn’t jealous of me, is he?”
“You and me?” I laughed nervously. “Um, no. I mean, you’re betrothed to Glen, so you’re like way off-limits, and you’re a faerie.”
“Oh.” She turned her face away. “What’s wrong with faeries?”
This conversation had taken a weird turn. I looked away, too, my face growing hot. “You know, faeries are, like, special. Like, way out of my league.” I coughed. “Anyway, Kai is crazy. I keep saying that I like him, but he can’t use that to pressure me into ‘proving’ it for him.” Suddenly, my head cleared. “Actually, I’m mad at him. He was wrong. I don’t owe him anything.”
She looked at me sidelong with a smile. “That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you.” She threw her arms around me. “I’m sorry that he was such a jerk. Don’t let him make you feel bad for saying no.”
I sighed. “Thanks. Sometimes he makes me feel like I’m crazy and just overreacting.” I hung my head. “I don’t know if I can talk to him again, though. I can’t think about it more right now. My head is spinning.”
She turned and looked up at the clock. “It’s getting late. What time was your dad expecting you home from your date?”
I looked up, too, surprised by how much time had passed. The whole afternoon had gone by in a blur. “Not until eight at the earliest,” I said. “I should call him to make sure when he’ll be there, though, so he can let me into the house.”
“You can use my phone.” Ashleigh pointed to the one on the wall. “Or if you like, you can tell him that you’re staying here tonight. My dad won’t mind.”
“Really?” I started to smile, and then I realized that she was there alone. “You don’t have plans with anyone else tonight?”
She shrugged. “Nah, I just thought I’d s
tay in. Everyone else was busy.”
I couldn’t bring myself to ask if Glen and Heather had plans together. I hugged her, grateful for someone I could count on.
23
Mixed Feelings
Rosamunde
Dad didn’t ask any questions when I called to say that I was spending the night at Ashleigh’s place, but when I came home the next morning, he pointed to my school bag and coat on the chair. “Kai’s mom Sara came by to drop those off for you last night,” he said with a pointed look. “Did something happen?”
“Nothing that I want to talk about.” I grabbed my stuff and started to head upstairs to my room.
“Hang on a minute.” He waved me back into the room. “I don’t want to pry, but it seems like you’re upset. I’m concerned about the fact that you changed your plans at the last minute and you didn’t even have your cell phone for me to contact you.”
I looked at the wall instead of directly at him. “I called you and told you I was at Ashleigh’s. You have her number.”
He sighed and folded his arms. “Look, Rosamunde, I’ve tried to give you more freedom than your mother did, but you’re only sixteen, and you’ve disappeared with no explanation before. I just need you to communicate with me about where you are and who you’re with.”
“It was just me and Ashleigh at her house,” I snapped. “Call her dad if you don’t believe me. We stayed in all night.”
His face softened to that look of concern he used for his patients, and his tone gentled. “Sara said that she thought you and Kai had a fight. Do you want to talk about it?”
“No!” I turned to leave.
“Look, we’ve both had a couple of rough months, as well as our share of relationship problems. I think we need to support each other—”
I spun around and glared at him. “Have you talked to your divorce lawyer again? That’s the only relationship problem that you should be worrying about right now.”
His face crumpled up and he looked away. “As long as no one can find your mother, the lawyer can’t serve the divorce papers. The family judge granted me temporary custody of both you girls while Rosmerta has an outstanding arrest warrant with the Seelie Court, but that doesn’t do me any good if we don’t know where Akasha is.”
“Then I guess there’s nothing more to talk about!”
Before he could stop me again, I ran down the hallway into my room and slammed the door.
I stayed in my room alone that day, listening to music and staring at the ceiling. Around noon, my cell phone started ringing.
I opened my school bag to find it and discovered Kai’s mix CD sitting on top. Disgusted, I fished the disc out and flung it into my closet, hoping that it would get lost under the clutter. Then I flipped up my phone and checked the caller ID: Zil.
For a moment, I hesitated, hearing my boyfriend’s accusations echoing in my head. Did I really only like girls? Well, they were certainly nicer to deal with than jerky boys! I jabbed the green button with my thumb. “Hello?”
“Oh, hi Rosa!” Her voice came brightly through the phone. “What’re you up to? I was just calling to see if you wanted to hang out today.”
I really wanted to see her, but the thought made guilt come crashing down on my head again. It would be better not to see anyone else right now, but especially not Zil, when my emotions were conflicted enough.
“Why? Does your boss need me to do something else?” I asked flatly.
“No, nothing like that.” Her voice sank in disappointment. “I just wanted to see you.”
I felt even guiltier for upsetting her, but I had to do the right thing. “Then if you don’t need me, I’d rather just stay home. I’m not having a very good day.”
She went silent for a moment, but I could hear her breathing. I could just picture the sadness on her face. “I’m sorry to hear that,” she said at last. “I wish I could cheer you up. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t think there’s anything that you could do to help.”
I didn’t mean to sound so bitter, but the words were out before I could stop them. Maybe it was better to discourage her, after all. I didn’t have to be Zil’s friend just to get her help when someone else was already giving her orders to contact me.
“Oh. Okay.” Her voice wavered on the other end of the line. “Well, I hope you feel better soon. I’ll see you at school.”
She hung up, and a new wave of guilt washed over me. Maybe she was following orders, but she did seem to genuinely like me, and her hurt at my rejection was real.
I turned and punched my pillow. I was such an idiot! I didn’t know which way to turn without hurting someone. I loved Kai, but I needed Zil because she was my only hope of finding Akasha. Wasn’t rescuing my sister more important than a stupid relationship? Besides, I didn’t need Kai if he wasn’t going to respect me. But he’d helped me out so much with my mom, and even though I was angry with him, I missed him like mad now.
Worse of all, there was no one I could turn to for advice, because I couldn’t reveal how much I’d done for the Unseelie. Ashleigh had tried to comfort me and tell me how to deal with Kai, but I couldn’t tell her everything. Only Kai knew why I was talking to Zil, and I wasn’t talking to him; Zil was also a bad choice to confide in, for obvious reasons.
I’d backed myself into a corner and I couldn’t see a way out. So instead of dealing with the problem, I gave myself the weekend off to sit in my room and sulk. I hoped an answer would come to me later.
Kai didn’t attempt to contact me all weekend, so I figured he was still angry, or probably filling up his time with video games. But on Monday, I saw him first thing when I got to school.
He was standing just inside the front door of Crowther, clutching a store-bought bouquet filled with nearly every kind of flower but roses: lilies, carnations, daisies, tulips, and more, all in a riot of colors that clashed terribly. When he saw me come in, he got down on one knee and thrust the whole mess up in my direction.
“Fair Rosamunde!” he cried in a voice that rang out through the high-ceilinged foyer. “Please accept my humble apology for my despicable behavior!”
Students and teachers had stopped to gawk, and I heard more than a few snickers. I ducked my head down to hide my blush and rushed over to Kai before he could do anything else.
“What are you doing?” I said in a strained whisper. “Get up off the floor! You’re embarrassing me.”
He got back to his feet and shoved the flowers at me. “I’m trying to show you how bad I feel. I’m so sorry, my love!”
I snatched the flowers, since he wouldn’t stop waving them at me, and dragged him away from the middle of the room. “If you wanted to apologize, then why didn’t you call me for two days? I thought you were still mad.”
Kai pouted. “I acted like such an idiot and I was afraid that you wouldn’t answer your phone. You didn’t call me, either.”
“Excuse me?” I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m not the one who needed to apologize. And you didn’t even try.”
He tried to put his arm around me. “I just said I was sorry. I admit that I said some harsh things, but it takes two people to argue. Maybe you need some time before you’re ready to say it, and I won’t pressure you—”
I yanked away from him. “No, I didn’t do anything wrong! All I said was that we needed to talk and then I tried to explain how I feel.” I pushed the flowers back at him. “If this is the best that you can do for an apology, then I’m not accepting it.”
“Wait, no!” He caught my hand as I tried to walk away. “Please. I love you. I—I’ll admit that it was all my fault. Can you please just give me another chance?”
This was so awkward. When I looked around the room, I could see almost everyone else at the school standing around listening in on us, although they looked away quickly when I turned my head. I even caught Zil’s gaze from across the room.
I linked my arm through his and kissed him on the cheek. “I did miss you this wee
kend,” I admitted. He grinned and kissed me back.
All that week, I spent every spare moment with Kai, trying to repair the damage to our relationship. I stuck close by him just like the early days when we’d first started dating, laughing at his jokes, kissing him whenever we were alone. He didn’t cross any lines with me, and I dug his mix CD out of the bottom of my closet (without telling him that I’d almost thrown it out). I listened to it enough times that I soon had all of the lyrics memorized, so I could sing along with him.
Everything should have been perfect, but my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I felt like I was going through the motions with a mask of happiness on my face, but part of me held back on the inside. I never relaxed fully around him, and more than once when he leaned into kiss me, I flinched and pulled back. But when he asked me what was wrong, I smiled and shook my head.
Oh, but there was so much wrong, and it grew in my mind like a black mold. The harder I tried not to think about Zil, the more I avoided talking to or looking at her in school, the more that she seemed to dominate my thoughts. When I analyzed what kept drawing me back to her, I was totally stumped, but she was driving me crazy.
I sat down one night with a notebook and tried to sort things out in my head. I drew a line down the center of the page and put Kai’s name on the left, Zil on the right.
Under Kai’s list, I wrote, “Attractive, loyal, funny, very helpful, trustworthy, on my side, says what he thinks is the truth without hiding anything.” Was I missing anything? I added, “Good dancer, gets along with Dad.” It was a good list, a dependable one. I’d never thought that I would want anything else in a partner.
I moved over to Zil’s side of the page. “Working with the Unseelie. Not that attractive. Probably hiding something bad. Spying on me, and might be reporting everything to Mom. Acts like a rebel for shock value?” I hesitated over that last one, and crossed it out. She had her reasons to act against the Seelie Court. And I had to admit, she was actually pretty in an unconventional way. I crossed out the phrase “not that” before “attractive.”
Fae of Calaveras Trilogy Box Set Page 43
