by Amelia Grey
“Nor do I,” Zane said.
After a few more minutes of discussing Remick’s possible motives, Zane left Lyonwood’s house and walked over to Brina’s. It was early evening and dusk had settled. Lights were showing in houses up and down the street. It was a highly inappropriate time to pay a call on a lady. Proper gentlemen would wait until tomorrow, send over a note, and wait for a reply.
Zane had always known the rules for a gentleman.
But he had always preferred just being a man.
He rapped the doorknocker once and took off his hat while he waited. When the housekeeper opened the door, he said, “Good evening, Mrs. Lawton.”
“My lord,” she said with a proper greeting.
“If Mrs. Feld is home, I’d like to see her. I have some important news for her.”
The housekeeper looked behind him as if to make sure no one else was with him before saying, “She’s just finished her evening meal. I’ll have to ask her. Come inside to wait while I ask.”
Zane walked in behind the woman and placed his hat on the side table. When she turned and started down the corridor, so did he.
Quietly.
As he neared the double doors leading into the dining room, he saw Brina pushed back from the table. In one hand, she held a glass of red wine and in the other, a book. She was so beautiful, a longing quiver started in his loins. She’d been reading while eating. A silver branch with five lit candles flickered near the book. Her lush blond hair fell long and enticingly around her shoulders.
He was sure she had no idea how lovely she was sitting there, nor what it did to him to see her so beautiful and serene. His breaths quickened and he swallowed slowly. Suddenly he wanted her more than he’d ever wanted anything. He wanted to take her in his arms and feel the shape of her body, feel it pressed next to his, and beneath his.
“Mrs. Feld, the—”
“Earl is here,” he said, stepping from behind the housekeeper.
Startled, Brina looked up. “My lord, what are you doing here at this hour?” She placed the book and glass on the table.
“Obviously the wrong thing. Interrupting your dinner. Behaving badly.”
She gave him an unusually shy smile before giving the housekeeper the nod to leave. “No,” she answered him, almost whispering as she rose from her chair. “It’s all right. I’m finished. Why are you here?”
“I wanted to see you.” No, it was more than that. He wanted to kiss her until she was breathless and sighing with pleasure, and then he wanted to possess her and show her how deeply his feelings were for her.
“We’ll go into the drawing room so Mrs. Lawton can finish in here.”
“Please bring your wine with you.” He gave her a teasing smile. “Just because I can’t drink doesn’t mean you can’t.”
Brina gave him a lopsided grin. “I’m finished with that too.”
He walked beside her down the dimly lit corridor, all the while thinking what he wanted to do was take her in his arms, shove her against the wall, and well … That was not the reason he came over. He had every intention of telling her what he’d discovered about Remick and what he thought Robert and Harper had gotten themselves involved in. Right now, he had no desire to visit that subject. Their cousins’ problems were fading from his mind. He wanted only to think about her. What he felt when he looked at her. How he felt when he touched her. Tonight, he wanted her to know just how much he desired her, and he wasn’t going to give a damn about anything else.
Zane knew how dangerous it was to bet everything he had on one game. He would caution anyone about being so foolish. You always left something to play again. But time wasn’t on his side. The last ball was only a couple of nights away. Tonight he was going to bet it all.
They walked into the drawing room. The draperies were still open and the room was shadowed in early evening twilight.
“I’ll light the lamps,” she said. “Sometimes, I go straight upstairs after dinner and never come into—”
“Wait,” he said, taking hold of her hand when she reached to turn up the wick. In the darkness, she turned toward him and stepped into his arms.
Their lips met softly, brushing lightly back and forth in delicate, feathery motions that were meant to stir and entice. The kisses stayed that way until Brina’s arms wound around his neck and she pressed her body against his.
Zane was lost to the hunger he had for her and he couldn’t keep his passion at bay.
Soft, reverent kisses turned fervent and deep. With eager hands he felt the shape of her slender, womanly body. Desire for her soared. He tasted the warmth of her mouth, teasing her with his tongue. His hands pressed firmly into her buttocks to hold her tighter against him. Breathless gasps fell from her lips and he groaned as they both fed on the spiraling sensations that swept through them.
Brina matched his yearning and dug her fingers into the fabric of his coat as she tried to hold him tighter. His lips left hers and he kissed his way down her neck and quickly back up to cover her cheeks, her lips with more kisses.
He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. The only light in the room came from the corridor, but Zane saw she was as passionate for him as he was for her. He’d seen and felt her love for him as she held the kitten. Now, with the last ball moved up, he had run out of time and he had to show he loved her.
It was dangerous. She could use this night against him, but he had faith it was time for him to trust her with his love, time to trust himself and put all his cards on the table.
“I love you, Brina. I don’t want any wagers or bargains between us. Just me and you tonight. Nothing else,” he whispered huskily.
Chapter 23
Brina didn’t know how they got up to her room. Did they walk? Run? Did he carry her? It didn’t matter. It was bathed in moonlight, and they were completely alone for the first time.
She had been attracted to Zane and wanted him to make love to her almost since he’d come to London, but he had rightly denied her. Somehow, he’d known tonight was the right time. All through their brief courtship he’d surprised her, teased her, and made her laugh. He knew how to listen to her innermost feelings without passing judgment, and she had fallen in love with him.
After she had locked them inside her room, it seemed their lips never parted. At times their kisses were short and fierce, and sometimes they were long and passionate. Still, at other times his lips caressed their way over her cheek, down her chin, and along the column of her neck, causing shivers of delight to cover her before searing her lips with his once more. She felt and accepted the pent-up desire he had for her and gave it back to him with full measure.
They tumbled onto the bed without removing the bedcovers or pillows. No care was taken for their clothing or shoes. Those things were easily disposed of as they kissed and touched and explored each other’s body. Their passion was fierce, driving, and desperate, but always loving. His hands tangled in her hair and her hands raked over his shoulders, back and down his slim hips. She gloried in the feel of his warm flesh beneath her hands. He whispered her name over and over again.
Each touch and kiss was frantic but loving when without reservations, she opened her heart and body to him and he took her for his own. There were moans of sweet, satisfying pleasure from both of them until they were breathless, happy, and sated.
Even though Brina already had some knowledge of loving from her brief marriage, she’d never felt the all-consuming sensual world Zane had introduced her to. Every kiss, every touch, every breath he drew showed her he wanted her. No one else. And that made her love him all the more.
Moments later Zane lifted his weight from her and rolled over. When he pulled her into the circle of his arms, Brina realized it was over and she suddenly felt like crying. Their coming together had been so passionate, so complete that she knew the depth of her love for Stewart had been only a young girl’s flight of fancy with her first beau.
Tears flooded her eyes. Stewart had loved her but never wi
th such fierce passion, never making her feel as if she were the only woman he had ever wanted. As if she were the only one who could make him feel complete.
Memories tore through her mind at rapid speed. She knew what had just happened meant that after all these years, she’d given up her undying love for Stewart and replaced it with unyielding, undying love for Zane.
The pain was intense. Guilt crushed down on her. She rose up in the bed and whispered, “I hated him. I hated—” Her voice broke on a sob before she managed to say, “Stewart.”
Zane was beside her instantly, placing his arm lightly around her shoulder. “What are you saying? Brina, no. You couldn’t have hated him.”
“It’s true,” she whispered as tears spilled from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.
He softly raked his thumb across her cheek and gave her an incredulous stare. “You loved him.”
“Yes, I loved him, but I hated him for saving all those people.” She clutched at the sheet covering her chest as the familiar rush of intense shame filled her. “I hated him for that.”
Zane tried to pull her close, but she brushed away his arm, revulsion for having to admit that ripping at her soul. “I’ve told you I’m not good. I’m not a good person like everyone thinks. I hated my husband for putting all those people above me and saving them.”
“Don’t say that,” Zane whispered softly.
“It’s true and you might as well know what kind of person I am.” Another sob fell past her lips. “I couldn’t understand why he didn’t save himself and come home to me? They were strangers to him. So yes, I hated every one of them for taking him away from me. They were all alive and going on with their lives, and my husband was dead. I was so selfish. I hated him when Stewart was anything but selfish. He was a hero. That’s what makes me a horrible person.”
She choked back a sob but the next one she couldn’t hold inside. Nor the next. Suddenly she was wrapped in Zane’s strong arms, her face pressed into his naked chest as she poured her heart out.
He held her close, rubbed her back, kissed the top of her head, and all she could do was weep.
When her tears and sniffling subsided, Zane took hold of her shoulders and forced her to face him. “You’re not a bad person for feeling that way. I’d bloody well be furious too.”
“You would?”
“Anyone would be,” he said in a tender voice. “There’s no greater sorrow than the bone-shuddering loss of a loved one. All your feelings are understandable.” He reached and pulled the sheet around her shoulders. “You’re not selfish, Brina. At nineteen, your soul had been shattered. You were sad and hurting.”
“But I hated him for a time. I hated all of them, and I live every day with such scorching regret that I ever thought such things as wishing they’d never been saved.”
“I know,” he whispered softly, drying her face with his hand. “You were human. That’s all.”
“I’ve tried so hard every day to make up for those terrible feelings. I want to help everyone, hoping I can in some way make atonement for all those revolting things I thought and felt for a time.”
“First,” he said and lifted her chin with his fingertips. He gave her a smile. “You don’t have to work off feelings you had while mourning. No one expects that of anyone. But even if you did, believe me—with all that you have done for the sisters, the girls, and everyone else in Town—you have more than made up for any bad feelings you had. Brina, you can’t carry guilt for emotions that are natural, a part of life, and even expected when a loved one dies.”
“Mine were excessively so,” she added, blinking away more tears. “I know that. I felt so much anguish, I thought I might be losing my mind. So did my parents. They were so worried they wouldn’t allow me to be alone for fear I might harm myself.”
He looked directly in her eyes. “But you didn’t.”
She shook her head and swallowed hard.
“What happened to help you get over the hurt?”
“Meeting Julia and Adeline, and their idea for the school to help girls whose family members died with ours. Suddenly there was someone who needed something from me in the same way as Stewart had helped those who needed him. Stewart was gone, but I was alive and could continue his example by helping others. The school gave me the opportunity to not think about myself or my loss, but to think about what I could do for others.”
Zane reached over and tenderly kissed her forehead again. “You are a person who feels emotions deeply. That’s why you were so extremely wounded. It takes time for hurts like that to mend.”
“It’s why I never want to marry again.”
“No, Brina,” he whispered.
“It’s true. I never want the possibility of feeling that intense anger at someone I love. I never want to bear the guilt again for hating someone I never met. Loving is too hard and brings out the worst in me. I don’t want to ever be that way again. That’s why I didn’t want to love you. And that’s why I can’t marry you.”
“Wait.” He brushed her hair again and softly kissed her lips. “You don’t want to love me, but you do?”
She nodded. “I do love you, but I can’t marry you because I couldn’t bear going through what happened after Stewart died again.”
Zane held her close and breathed in long and deep. “Let’s start with you loving me as I love you. Just love me, Brina. That’s all I’m asking for. We’ll get to marriage tomorrow or the next day, or next month. All I want to hear you say right now is that you love me. All the rest will come later.”
“I love you, and—” He placed his fingertips over her lips.
“No. Don’t say any more. Not tonight. Let’s have this time together with just the two of us. Loving each other. No past for either of us. No guilt, no bargains. Not even tomorrow. Only us tonight.”
Brina reached over and claimed his lips.
Chapter 24
Zane looked in the mirror as he tied his neckcloth. A simple but elegant knot and a small amount of lace around the cuff of his sleeve would please Brina. He’d shaved that morning but had wanted to shave again before dressing for the dinner in his home. It hadn’t taken long, and he wanted to do everything within his power to make sure she was happy for this event she had planned.
Perhaps hosting all the peers in Town was a good idea. There would be matters they’d have to work on together from time to time. He wanted to get to know Lord Lyonwood better and, once his bargain with Brina was at an end, he hoped to join the man’s club. But for tonight, he wanted to make sure every duke, earl, and viscount knew they could count on him for whatever they might need if the occasion arose.
He slipped on his light beige waistcoat and started fastening the tiny pearl buttons. For some reason his tailor had seen fit to make the damn things smaller on his evening waistcoat. He supposed that had something to do with the elegance of the evening too.
Zane’s hand stilled when from below he heard the door knocker clanking hard and fast—as if someone were frantically banging. He glanced over at the clock on his dressing table. Guests weren’t due to start arriving for another half hour. Obviously Fulton hadn’t heard the first knock, and whoever it was wanted to make sure he heard the second time. Zane kept buttoning his waistcoat.
The thought that it might be Brina hurried him along. But then he heard loud masculine shouts.
He tensed. One of the voices was Harry’s.
Zane grabbed his dinner coat and started out the door, shoving his arms into the sleeves as he went. From the top of the stairs he could see that Fulton and Harry held on to each other’s lapels.
“What’s going on?” he called and started down.
They released each other and both started to speak at once.
Damnation. Zane couldn’t make sense of either one of them. “Fulton, enough,” he said.
“He was barging in, my lord.”
“I understand. Thank you, but I’ll handle this now.”
“Yes, my lord.”
&
nbsp; Before Fulton turned to walk away, Harry said, “You must come with me now. There’s no time to waste. I’ll tell you about it on the way. My carriage is outside.”
Zane’s blood ran cold. Harry wasn’t one to be excitable or to exaggerate. Still, Zane said, “I can’t leave. I’m expecting more than twenty people for dinner in a little over an hour.”
“Then be prepared to never see your cousin Robert again.”
“What do you mean?”
“Believe me when I tell you there is no time to waste. It might be too late even as we speak.”
“All right, let’s go.” Zane then raced out the door behind Harry, who yelled to the driver, “Brass Bull and don’t slow for anyone.”
The carriage lurched before the door closed. Zane had to reach out to grab it and slam it shut before being jolted back into the seat.
“Hellfire, Harry, what the devil is going on?”
“Remick isn’t just another skilled player out to dupe your cousin out of his money. He’s a crimp.”
Zane tensed again. “A crimp?” he said disbelievingly.
“Yes. Apparently Remick lures young men into a gambling club, gets them heavily in debt to him, and when they fail to pay, he sells their indebtedness to either the military or a boarding master. Robert is already his captive.”
“Damnation! How did you find out about this? And do you know for sure Robert’s debts have already been sold?”
“Remick apparently discovered I’ve been asking about him. I received a note to meet him this evening so I did. That’s when he told me he has Robert, and unless I could get you to the gaming house in twenty minutes, he would leave and Robert would be on a ship far out of your reach.”
Zane’s stomach tightened like a fist. “I knew the blade was in debt. I refused to help him again. I thought it best he learn to stand on his own. I never dreamed his ineptness would be to a crimp.”
