by Gene Wolfe
Page 52
"I realize that-you would go, and endeavor to help and protect me in every way possible. "
"Yet did sae fer him. "
"Of course. I am your friend, as you are mine. " He paused, his right forefinger tracing small circles on his cheek.
"Twill be a lang walk ter na braithrean wihout yer. "
He nodded, and gloried a second time. "Youll go back to them, at the other end of the whorl?"
"Tis me honly kin. "
"Mercenaries. You were a mercenary trooper, Pig?"
"Ho, aye! Was he? He was! Fightin ter make em gae, bucky. Paid ter. Moss-trooper, ter, an there was nae better. "
"Perhaps youll find someone on the way, Pig. A woman who loves you. Or friends who like you as much as I do. "
"Found yer halready, bucky. "
"Yes," he said sadly. "You have. And if I could take you back to New Viron with me, I would do so in an instant. The problem-one problem at least-is that I am not going there. I am going to a town very far from there, to which I promised Hari Mau I would go. "
"Dimber wi me. "
"I will be a prisoner, Pig. They want me to judge their disputes, and arrange compromises for them. There are many disputes in which both sides are in the wrong, and many more in which no compromise acceptable to both parties is possible. "
He sighed. "I cannot give them all that they hope for, and their disappointment is certain to turn to violence in time, unless I can escape them. "
"Would yer do hit, bucky? Gang awa?"
Solemnly, he nodded. "I would. I will-if I can. Ive promised Hari Mau that Ill go with him to his town, and that I will judge it to the best of my poor ability. But not that Ill remain there indefinitely. I will keep my promise if theyll let me. But when Ive done what I can, Im going home. Ive been halfway around Blue already, and home cannot be farther than that. "
"Need auld Pig then, bucky. "
He sighed again. "No doubt I will, but I wont have you. In the first place, Hari Mau and his friends will learn where I am very quickly-if not today, certainly tomorrow. Theyll hold me to my promise then, and insist we leave. You must have expert care for months. Your flesh may not accept your new eye. There are things that can be done should that occur, but they are difficult things and require an expert physician.
"In the second, you would be more of a prisoner than I, and in considerably greater danger, a focus for the discontents of every man I ruled against. I said that you will require months of care, because that is what your surgeon told me, and what they tell me here. If you were to come with me, I doubt that youd live for months. "
Something in Pigs face had changed. He said, "And in the third, Horn?"
"Patera!"
Oreb whistled shrilly.
"I would be a positive danger to you," Pig said. "Strength and a stout heart are hazardous qualities where they cannot prevail. "
"Yes. " He wiped his eyes.
Naked and subtly altered, the face was still Pigs; Silks wellremembered voice issued from its lips. "Still, you would take me if you could. "
"Yes. Yes, I would. If we reached New Viron, I would not have failed. Or even if you reached it alone. "
"You do not wish to fail. " Pigs big hand tightened on his.
He said, "I would give my life not to fail," and meant it.
"You already have. "
"You must he here, on this acceleration couch. " Hari Mau bent over him. "You must be strapped in, as well. I apologize, though it is essential. "
"I know, Ive been on them before. Im worried about Oreb. "
Hari Maus smiled widened. "There under your arm he will be safe. The lighter one is, the less strain. Oreb is very light. " A wide strap snapped closed, pressing the azoth into the tense muscles under it. "For yourself you are not afraid, Rajan Silk?"
If they wished to call him that, that was what they wished to call him. Not wanting to stare, he looked from Hari Maus bearded face to the woven matting that had replaced-what? He tried to remember the interior of the lander that had brought him from Blue to Green, but he could recall only the long rows of crude brown couches, the cramped little galley that had fed them sparsely and badly, the shooting and the shouting, the twisted steel grip of Sinews knife protruding from the back of a man whose name was forgotten.
Hari Mau repeated, "For yourself you are not afraid?"
"Of dying?" He shook his head. "No, not of that. In a way it would be a relief, a mitigation of failure. May I confide in you?"
"Of course! I am your friend. "
"What I fear is showing fear. I am afraid Ill scream when thethe push comes, and the explosion. "
Hari Mau brought cotton for his ears, and he stuffed it in them gratefully. "You must put your head under your wing, Oreb, and pretend you are going to sleep. Keep out as much of the noise as you can. "
"No hear?"
"Yes," he said firmly. "No hear," and watched with approval as Oreb tucked his head beneath his wing.
He had wanted a couch near the others, perhaps next to Hari Maus, but Han Mau had hustled him away, farther down, nearer the front of the lander, nearer the strange place to which Silk had once gone from which one could-while still in the whorl-see the stars. He was. . .
He craned his neck in a vain effort to see behind him.
Two or three rows farther down. Three rows at least, he decided, and more likely four. At least this lander was not jammed like the one in which he and Nettle had come to Blue.
Where was she now? He tried to imagine her and what she was doing, but found that he could only picture a much younger Nettle renting folding stools. I am distracted, he told himself as a slight tremor shook the lander. Under such circumstances as this, I am bound to be distracted.
Matting, woven of the split stems of some tropical plant. It would be warm in Gaon. He shivered.
Someone had ripped open the very walls to steal wire. If he and Hari Mau and all the rest were lucky, that someone would have left the insulation strewn about so it could be replaced and confined behind the matting. If they were not, it was gone and had been replaced with something else, the coarse and dirty hair of slaughtered cattle or something of the sort.
No, they did not eat their cattle in Gaon. Hari Mau had said so. Cattle were the mother goddess, were Nurturing Echidna, just like snakes. Snakes were understandable, of course. It was that way in Viron, too, to some extent. But cattle? Though cattle were associated with both Echidna and Pas, now that he thought of it. Rain from Pas, grass from Echidna; it was an old saying. Rain, the intercourse of the gods.
In Gaon, Hari Mau had said, cattle were offered to Echidna, but never eaten. The entire animal was burned on the altar. That said something about the size of altars in Gaon, and the supply of wood as well, surely.
The monitors face appeared in a glass to his right, nearly human, though blurred about the mouth. "Well cast off for the planet called Blue in thirty seconds. Your couch is secured. "
"Yes," he said unnecessarily. "Yes, I think so. " He wanted to ask whether they would get there, whether they would arrive and whether they would make a safe landing, but did not.
"If you suffer from heart disease, it would be best for you to remain in the Whorl," the monitor reminded him.
"I dont. " There was a momentary roar, deafening even through the cotton. The lander trembled with a violence that its builders could not possibly have intended. He asked, "Is everything all right?"
"I am verifying our capabilities, Patera Silk. "
It was maddening to be thus mistaken by a mere machine; what was almost worse, Oreb had taken his head from beneath his wing to listen. "Good Silk!"
"I am not Silk," he told the monitor. "You have been misinformed. "
"Your name is on my passenger list, Patter Silk. "
"Supplied by Hari Mau, of course. " He could not keep the bitterness from his voice.
"I will first cast off from the Whorl," the monitor was saying. Higher up, others
were saying the same thing. "When I have attained sufficient altitude, I will fire my engines. As soon as they are silent, you may move about the lander, Hari Mau. You will be unwell. Please employ the housekeeping tube to keep your area clean. "
It struck him that it had been at least two minutes since the monitor had said they would leave in thirty seconds. He groped for his housekeeping tube and found that it was missing.
"It will activate upon access. You are responsible for your own area, Hari Mau. "
That was because he had insisted that he was not Silk, he decided. Aloud he said, "I have no housekeeping tube, Monitor, and I will not be sick. Ive traveled on landers before. I even flew here on this one. On no occasion was I sick. "
"No sick," Oreb confirmed.
"I will first cast off from the Whorl, Potter Sulk. " The blur around the monitors mouth was spreading over its face like a cancer; the lower half of that face moved to the right, then jerked back into place. "When I have attained attitude, fire my engines. You may move about my. Plus deploy the housekeeping. " The monitors blurred gray face flickered, then vanished.
This was death, deaths overture. This lander had been damaged too badly to fly. Although they had flown to the Pole in it, it could never return to Blue. It would explode when the rockets fired or crash when it tried to land, or leave them floating in the abyss to starve, visited perhaps by inhumi.
"I got there. I did it. I got back to Viron, where I could look for Silk. " Suddenly aware that he was speaking out loud, he clenched his teeth.
"Good Silk!"
"Put your head under your wing, or you will be deafened. You may well be deafened anyhow. "
Obediently, Oreb tucked his scarlet-capped head beneath a jet black wing.
"No, fly. " It was a whisper. "Stay here. "
It had been the best part of his life, the days when he had been with General Mint, with Silk in the Caldes Palace. How few they had been! How very, very few. The hours in Silks palace, and the hours in the boat with Seawrack. "Ive been happy twice," he told the bird in a voice that he himself could scarcely hear. A shellback comb floated before his eyes. He murmured, "Most men are not happy even once," and was violently, messily ill.
Sitting in what had been the lowest part of the lander, he seemed suspended in the sky. The Short Sun blazed to his left, mercifully obscured by the darkened canopy. To his right, stars shone, and Blue lay at his feet like a lost toy. Home.
Hari Mau joined him, strapping himself into the seat. "No one should see this twice, but I cannot get enough. It is like women. "
He smiled. "Yes, in a way I suppose it is. "
"My friends will not look. Mota and Roti? Those fellows? They came up here for as long as it takes to eat a banana. It was enough for them. I cannot satisfy myself, ever. "
Oreb had been left out of the conversation long enough. "No eat," he declared.
"No," his master told him, "you cannot eat the stars, save with your eyes. I. . . "
"What is it Rajan?" Han Mau leaned toward him and touched his neck, as though to gauge its temperature or feel his pulse.
"I just realize that the Whorl is no longer my home. I grew up there, Hari Mau, and Nettle and I, in our real home on Lizard Island, used to say `home when we spoke of it. In those days, we never thought it would be possible to go back. Now I have, and if I had not, perhaps she would have gone instead. " He was tempted to say that she might even have succeeded in finding Silk; but he knew it would make Hari Mau angry.
"It did not make you happy, Rajan?"
"It did at first, and often after that. " He sighed. "Or at least I would have told you I was if you had asked me. "
"But you werent?"
"Perhaps I should say that what I had, when I realized I was not only back in the Whorl but near Viron-and when I re-entered the city-was not true happiness. Only the anticipation of it. "
"So I feel when everything is settled back there," Hari Mau jerked a thumb over his shoulder, "and I can come up here. Here I am happy. But looking at happiness is no bad thing, Rajan. "
"No," he agreed, "it isnt. Nor is it happiness we ought to seek in life. For one thing, only those who seek something else find it. "
"Work or war?"
"Yes, sometimes. Peace, too, and home. I dont mean to say that wherever one lives is good. Sometimes people try all their lives to make a home, and succeed just before the end, and are happy. Some-like me-succeed much earlier, but are not happy because they dont know. When you came here, I almost said that I didnt think a man who never saw the stars could ever be truly happy. "
"There is much truth. "
"Then I realized that there are millions like Hound-"
"Good Hound!" Oreb explained.
"Yes, he is. Hes honest and humble; and he works hard, I believe. His wife wants children, and so does he, and he will love them when they get them. But he lives in the Whorl and has never seen the stars. In all probability he never will, though it is he and others like him who will touch them for us all. "
"I do not understand, Rajan. "
"The Whorl will leave our Short Sun," he pointed to it, "when the repairs are completed. Im surprised you didnt learn about it when we were at the pole. After we had finished talking about Pig, it was one of the first things they told me. "
"Oh, that. " Hari Mau shrugged.
"Yes, that. It may take twenty years, or fifty. Or several hundred. Theres still a great deal they have to learn. But the raw materials are there, and theres an abundance of labor. They will conquer the heat, rain will fall as it never has in living memory, and Lake Limna-all the lakes-will be sweet again. Streams that have not flowed in a hundred years will run as pure and clear as on the day when Pass finger traced their courses. "
"Perhaps. But you and I will never see it, Rajan. "
