“Have you seen her?” What the hell was wrong with me?
“Who? Lora?”
“Your ex.”
“We ran into her at the clinic.” He didn’t elaborate and I couldn’t think of a question to ask without sounding like I was jealous.
I heard a voice in the background and Cy responded, “It’s a friend from Bismarck.” Then into the phone he said, “I have to go.”
“Of course. Take care of yourself Cy.”
But he’d already hung up. For a moment I sat and processed what he’d said. He called me a friend, a reminder that he had no reason not to reunite with his ex. He’d also said a “friend from Bismarck” not a friend from home, which suggested that while he’d planted roots here, this still wasn’t his home.
I tossed my phone on the coffee table and rubbed my hands over my face. I really needed to stop overanalyzing everything. He was my friend. End of story.
The next few days were filled with cupcakes, reviewing applications for the job at the bakery, and once I arrived home, a call from Cyrus. He sounded tired and concerned, and I wished I was there to comfort him.
But the next few evenings I didn’t hear from him. The first night, I figured he was busy or tired. The following night, I was concerned, but again determined he had a lot on his mind. He had no obligation to call me. The next night, I nearly called him but changed my mind because I knew I was doing it more for me than him. Not that I wasn’t worried and wanted to help him, but if I was honest with myself, I missed him and it was selfish to call him simply so I could hear his voice. It was a reminder that my feelings were tipping into more than friends, which wasn’t allowed. He didn’t want that.
So, when I would have been talking to Cyrus, I was back on the dating site. I had a few messages from men. Some wanted to meet, but I wasn’t quite there yet. I told myself it was because I needed to get to know them via message first.
I also reviewed more applications for my bakery assistant position and started to make a list of the ones I wanted to interview. For a minute I wondered if I really should hire someone. This idea came because I wasn’t able to go help Cyrus. But if not for him, would I be looking to hire? Then I decided that whether Cyrus was in my life or not, I did need to make time and space in my life for personal pursuits, such as dating.
15
Cyrus
I sat at my desk back in Bismarck feeling guilty for being there. I’d spent nearly a week with my mother as we navigated her treatment schedule. It was clear that treatment would be difficult for her and she’d need help. I was ready to let Jude know I couldn’t come back, but my mother insisted that I return to Bismarck.
“You have to continue your life, Cyrus,” she’d said to me.
“I need to be here, mom.” I was sitting on the edge of her bed, terrified by how weak she appeared after her first treatment.
“I don’t want to be the reason your life is on hold.” She held my hand and it occurred to me that she was soothing me when I was supposed to be helping her.
“Mom—”
“No Cyrus. If you want to help me, live your life and be happy.”
“I can’t do that when you’re sick.”
She made a face. “You have to. I can’t bear it otherwise.”
Ugh. That meant I had to find her help. Enter, Lora. At first, the idea of my ex helping my mother felt awkward. But after she came by the last couple days I was there, it felt right. Lora was an oncology nurse so she knew all about what my mom needed and was experiencing. After the first time Lora came by, we’d settled into a friendly exchange. The fact that I was once engaged to her was so far in the past that it didn’t hang between us. It was a good realization. I’d moved on.
I flew home Sunday and now on Monday morning, was back at work, but feeling guilty about it. Sure, Lora was probably better at helping my mother, but I was her son. I really needed to be there. At the same time, I couldn’t abandon my obligations to Jude and April, and my responsibilities to Dina and Conner.
“Hey man.” Jude walked into my office and took a seat in the chair by my desk. “I’m sorry about your mom.”
“Hey.” I sat back and let out a breath. “Thanks.”
“You know, if you need more time, we can handle things here.”
I shook my head. “I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You did it for me when Bertie was born.” He sipped from the World’s Best Dad mug his daughter Maya had given him for Father’s Day.
“You still worked some even when you were officially out. Plus, we’re bigger now. We’ve got contracts all over.”
“We can take on someone new—”
I shook my head. “I can do my job, Jude.”
His brow arched at my terse tone.
“Sorry.” I scraped my hands over my face. “I just…I need to be able to do my thing. My mom already has cut me off from helping her too much.”
“Why?”
“She doesn’t want to interrupt my life.” I scoffed. “All I have is the business and my house. I love the business, don’t get me wrong—”
“I get it. Of course, I get it. Family is more important.” The thought for a moment. “You know much of your job doesn’t need to be done here.” He pointed toward the ground emphasizing “here.” “You could telecommute. You’re definitely the best at in-person meetings, but most of what you do is by phone or computer. Connor or I can do the in-person meetings. Of course, with our out-of-state clients, we’re using video conferencing anyway. You could do that anywhere.”
He had a point. I wondered how my mom would feel about that. She was adamant that I live my life. But as I’d told Jude, my life right now was really just my job.
Petal flashed in my mind. I blinked at Jude.
“What?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing. That’s something for me to consider. Thank you, Jude.”
He stood. “Of course. We all get it, Cy. Family is important so if you need time away or want to move your work there, we support it.”
I nodded feeling grateful to have such a good friend in Jude.
Petal came to mind again. Another good friend. The first few nights I’d been at my mom’s, I’d called her. I’d felt like I was in a dark pit as I learned the full extent of my mother's illness and her treatment. I was compelled to call Petal as I needed her light. I couldn’t see her, but as her sweet voice came over the phone, I could imagine her face. Her bright smile. The light in her green eyes. It was like a dose of sunshine, light and warm.
But a few days later, when I sat on my bed to give her a call, it occurred to me that I was too attached. The need to hear her voice was acute. Like I couldn’t breath without connecting with her and that was dangerous. Already it was wrong for me to have had sex with her because of the potential complications it would cause with Jude. But now with my mother sick and my attention directed here in Chicago, I couldn’t keep reaching out to her. I couldn’t become dependent on her. So I stopped calling. And when I returned to Bismarck, I’d told myself I had to stop going to her shop. I hadn’t been able to hold myself to that rule before, but this time I was determined I would.
So as my normal time to visit Petal for my cupcake and coffee came, I stayed at my desk. As much as I wanted to see Petal, I couldn’t afford to let myself indulge my attachment to her. I couldn’t look to her to fix me when I was feeling broken. Besides, I had a shitload of work to catch up on and to keep up with as I knew I’d be flying out to see my mom again soon. My focus needed to be on my business. I owed Jude and April that. My need for Petal’s friendship couldn’t be put ahead of my responsibility and obligation to this business.
But holy hell it was hard not to walk out the door and go see her. Not just see her, but touch her. Not a night passed that she wasn’t showing up in my dreams. That beautiful smile. Her sexy curves. I cursed the situation I was in that I couldn’t take our relationship further. I’d even considered going to talk to Jude, to ask him what he’d think about my seeing P
etal.
But now it was a moot point. With my mother ill, I’d be leaving town a lot to see her. I might even move back to Chicago and telecommute as Jude suggested. It wouldn’t be fair to start something with Petal only to have me be gone a lot. Lora taught me that there was only so much absence a woman could endure. She hadn’t been willing to wait. I couldn’t ask Petal to wait either.
So I did my damnedest to push Petal out of my head and focus on the work at hand. At night, I briefly connected with Lora by phone or text on my mom’s progress, and then would call my mom to check in. After that, I exercised and worked on my home. I wanted to get it done on the off chance I did move back to Chicago and had to sell the house.
The only respite I got from the worry about my mom and pressure to fulfill my responsibilities to Jude, was at night when I slept. In my dreams, Petal would show up wearing only her apron and carrying cupcakes. She’d smile and my insides would light up. She’d drop to her knees and put those cupid bow lips around my dick. If I was lucky, I’d last long enough in the dream to when she’d ride me, her tits bouncing as she shot me to heaven.
I’d wake up with a raging hardon, and because it was the one good moment of the day, I wrap my hand around my dick and finish what the dream started. Afterward, there was longing to see her. To talk to her and find out how she was doing. Then I’d remember that she was on a dating site and a red-hot flash of jealousy would course through my blood. But there was nothing I could do about it. And in fact, if I was a good friend, I’d want her to find a good man who could love her the way she deserved.
Such was my life. Dreaming of Petal by night and worrying about my mother by day as I kept myself laser focused on my job and fighting the urge to go get a cupcake. It often felt like a losing battle, but I’d been a SEAL, dammit, I was strong enough to resist the lure of Petal.
16
Petal
I hadn’t realized just how much I’d grown attached to Cyrus over the last year until I didn’t see him regularly anymore. It seemed so innocuous that he’d come by each day for a cupcake and coffee. But the time we spent together over the course of a year, five days a week, for thirty minutes or so, added up to a lot of time. A lot of time to develop feelings that were deeper than I’d realized.
Now that I didn’t see him at all or talk to him, the hole made by his absence was acute. Surprisingly so.
But maybe it was for the best. It wasn’t wise to have feelings for my friend in the first place, and the fact that we’d crossed the line not once, but twice, suggested that no contact might be best, at least for now, if we wanted to avoid problems.
Midweek after Cyrus had stopped calling, I was in the bakery trying to ignore the fact that it was his normal visiting time, when April walked in with little Bertie in his stroller.
“Hey, two of my favorite people,” I said coming around the counter and squatting down to coo at Bertie.
“We thought we’d stop by and pick up a few cupcakes for the office before we go get Maya from school.”
I wished she’d picked up Maya first as I missed seeing my little helper. But I understood that April’s life was busy and full. I’d take what I could get. It seemed like all the important people in my life were busy. It was a bit pathetic and selfish for me to think that, and it was a reminder why I needed to hire help and find a social life outside of April and Cyrus.
“Well you’ve come to the right spot,” I said, rising and returning to the display case. “I’m guessing at least one limoncello.”
“You’ve got Jude down pat. I’m not sure what the others like,” April said.
“Dina likes the espresso and Conner generally likes the vanilla raspberry.”
“I’ll take a few of each. What about Cy?”
I looked up from the case. “I thought Cyrus was in Chicago.”
April had been bending down to get her purse from the back of the stroller, but jerked up looking at me in surprise. “He got back sometime over the weekend. You didn’t know?”
I shouldn’t have felt pain at learning that, but I did. He was back and hadn’t come by or called.
I shook my head and tried to act like it was normal that I wouldn’t know his whereabouts. “He likes the peanut butter chocolate.” I hoped my voice sounded normal as I got the cupcakes and put them in the box.
“I’d have thought since you two—”
“That was just a one-time thing.” Well, two but there didn’t appear to be a reason to share that. Afterall, we’d decide to be friends. “He’s got more important concerns than keeping me up to date.”
April sighed. “Poor guy. He’s a wreck about his mom but trying to act all stoic.”
Now I felt guilty for getting hurt when he was dealing with so much. He had more important things to worry about than me.
“Do you know his mother’s prognosis?” I asked, closing the box with the cupcakes and taping it shut.
“I don’t have details. I just know he’s worried. Jude says he might return to Chicago and work remotely.”
My gut clenched. Cyrus was leaving for good? “Is there anything I can do to help?”
She studied me. “I don’t understand. If you and Cy are close enough friends to sleep together, why don’t you just call him?”
God, now I sounded like an insensitive bitch. “I hadn’t wanted to bother him or interrupt him while he was with his mother.”
Bertie let out a wail.
April sighed. “This kid goes from happy to demanding in an instant. I should go.”
“You can feed him in my office if you like.”
She shook her head. “Nah, I’m going to take these to the office and I’ll feed him there.”
“Give Jude and Maya hugs from me,” I said as I gave her the box and she paid me.
“You need to stop by the house and get them yourself. Soon, okay?”
“Yes. Soon.”
When she left, I kept my mind and hands busy to keep from closing the shop and heading to see Cyrus at the office. My feelings were a whirl. I was hurt and angry that he hadn’t called or come in now that he was back. We were friends, damnit. But then I felt guilt at being angry. It was selfish of me to be upset. He had a lot on his mind. Too much to think about my feelings. Not only that, but I was a terrible friend. Why was I waiting for him to come see me? He was the one with a mother who was ill. I should be a friend to him.
I closed up the shop fifteen minutes early, filled another cupcake box with all the peanut butter chocolate I had left, and walked down to Cyrus’s office.
Dina was putting on her coat as I came in. “Oh hey. More cupcakes? April brought some earlier.”
“This is more of a care package for Cy. How is he?”
She shook her head. “Poor guy. Scary stuff. He’s still back in his office. I’m off.”
“I can just go back?” I asked.
“Yeah sure. He’s been working non-stop since he got back on Monday. He could probably use a break.”
Guilt filled me again that I’d been upset that he hadn’t let me know he was back. “Thank you Dina. Have a good evening.”
“You too. I’m going to lock the door since he’s the only one here.”
I headed down the hall to his office. The door was open and I looked in.
He was reading over papers. His coat and tie were off. His sleeves were rolled up to reveal strong forearms. His hair was slightly disheveled as if he’d been running his fingers through it.
His gaze jerked up. “Petal.”
I smiled and stepped in, using all my strength to keep from rushing to him and holding him and willing all his pain away.
“I saved you all the chocolate peanut butter cupcakes.” I held up the box.
His dark eyes watched me. I couldn’t read him. Was he annoyed that I was here?
He mustered a smile. “Great. Thank you.” He stood and gestured for me to take a seat. “I’m sorry I haven’t called.”
I waved his comment away. “I know you have a lot
on your plate.” I set the box on his desk but didn’t sit.
“I hurt your feelings.”
Did my voice give that away? What could I say that let him know I was bothered that he hadn’t called without my being obnoxious?
“I know we’re not in a relationship, but we did say we were friends. When you were calling me, I…liked that. I liked hearing your voice—” I realized I was being selfish again. “But I know that you have more important things than to maintain our friendship.”
He leaned against his desk. “You were helpful to me when I called. I appreciate all your support.”
It sounded like a “but” was about to come.
He looked down and the utter defeat I saw in this big, strong man broke my heart.
“Cy.” I stepped up to him and cradled his face. “I know this is hard. You’re not alone. If you need to talk or just sit with someone, I’m here for you. I know we complicated things a bit before, but I promise you, I just want to be your friend. I want to be here for you and help you.”
His dark eyes met mine. “There’s just one problem with that.”
Pain speared again that he was about to reject me. I started to lower my hands but his fingers wrapped around my wrists.
“What?” I managed to say.
“I still want to touch you. You haunt my dreams every fucking night.”
I gasped, not expecting that. When I realized what he was saying, arousal flooded my body. “You can touch me, Cyrus.”
His eyes closed. “You’re supposed to tell me no. I can’t give you what you deserve, Petal.”
“You need to stop giving me an option if I’m supposed to say no.”
His lips twitched upward.
I stepped closer to him. “I’m here for you, Cy. However you need me. Let me make you feel good, even if it’s just at this moment.”
I ran my hands over his chest. When he didn’t do anything, I took his hands and pressed them on my breasts. “Touch me.”
He let out a groan and pulled me to him, his lips plastering against mine. I could feel his frustration and anguish.
Friends to Lovers: A Secret Pregnancy Romance (Heart of Hope Book 6) Page 10
