by Alan Garner
That night, I told Mel I’d heard that the school was thinking about reinstituting the foreign language requirement for liberal arts students. I asked him what he thought about this issue. This led to our discussing whether learning a foreign language helps students better understand other peoples. We shared our own experiences, which led to a fun time trying to converse in rusty high school French. Finally, when we were all talked out and very happy, he gave me a little kiss and whispered, “Ah, Madame, yu arrr magnifique!” Now, how’s that for a successful experiment?
How indeed!
Beginning with Difficult Questions
An Arizona real estate agent named Kendy once revealed to me this trick of the trade:
When a new client walks in the door, I don’t ask him what he has in mind. That’s too hard a question to start out with. He’d just become nervous and withdrawn. And if I pressed him, he’d probably withdraw all the way out the door. Instead, I ask what type of place he’s living in right now. That puts him at ease, gets him feeling comfortable around me. After a while, either he or I will shift the conversation around to what he’s got in mind.
Kendy’s advice applies to social occasions as well. It’s usually best to start with simple questions about topics others are likely to be interested in and familiar with.
Asking Leading Questions
Leading questions are the most closed-ended possible, in that they only invite agreement. For instance:
“It’s already eight-thirty. Shouldn’t we stay home tonight?”
“You don’t think they’re right, do you?”
“Two hours of TV is enough for one evening, don’t you think?”
Asking leading questions in court has earned many a lawyer a reprimand, and asking them in social situations isn’t likely to do your relationships much good either.
Disagreeing Before Asking Questions
When someone voices an opinion that you disagree with and you want to explore your differences, voice your disagreement after—not before—asking him his reasons for feeling as he does. For example, I once met a man in Pennsylvania who told me hunting is his favorite sport. I dislike the very thought of hunting, but instead of saying so and letting my subsequent questions sound like an inquisition, I asked what he liked best about it. Our discussion gave me insights into the challenge he finds in the sport and the vital role he sees hunters like himself playing in the ecological cycle.
Not Being Able to Think of Things to Ask
If you have the opportunity to prepare some questions in advance, you may well have an easier time than if you rely solely upon your ability to think up things to ask on the spur of the moment. Consider this experience Wayne, a Los Angeles ice cream company executive, wrote me about:
Friday, I took a young man named Curtis to a banquet that’s held every year to honor new Eagle Scouts. Last year’s dinner hadn’t worked out at all—the Scout and I mostly ate our food and sat there in silence. So this year I did some homework. I thought up some questions I’d have liked to have been asked when I was a Boy Scout—what I’d done to earn such and such merit badge, what practical jokes I’d played or heard about, what types of bridges I’d built and how, what my first hike had been like, what contact I’d had with Girl Scouts.
It worked! We had so much to talk about, we just didn’t want to stop. This year, instead of escaping as soon as possible after the banquet, I took Curtis out for a malt.
Teria, a UC San Diego sophomore, has found preparation valuable in a different way:
When I used to phone someone, especially my dad in Panama, I’d almost always forget to mention important news or ask a pressing question. This left me regularly having to either phone back and sound stupid or forget the whole thing. Lately, I’ve been making lists. Now I can relax, knowing I won’t say goodbye until every item is checked off.
You may also find it useful and interesting to memorize some stock questions which you can always have around to stimulate conversation. My own favorites include:
“If you could be anyone in history, who would you choose? (Pause for answer.) Why?”
“What teacher do you remember best and why?”
“If you had to choose another profession (or another major), what would it be? (Pause.) Why?
“If you could spend a week anywhere in the world, where would you choose and what would you do there?”
One final note: It will require deliberate effort for you to begin asking open-ended questions. But as with walking and handwriting and all the other skills you’ve ever learned, after a while you’ll be doing it automatically.
*Names cited in this book have frequently been changed.
CHAPTER TWO
Delivering Honest Positives
An old grouch lived with his wife for twenty-one years and never spoke a single word. Then one morning at breakfast, he broke the silence with “Darling, sometimes when I think how much you mean to me, it is almost more than I can do to keep from telling you.”
—From Letters to Karen1
Praise him? I should congratulate that bum for passing P.E. and English? What about History and Woodshop and Math? All F’s: F! F! F! . . . I should say, “Wonderful son, you’re well on your way to becoming a garbage man!?” NO! I just haven’t been hard enough on him. That’s the problem!
—Gill
Most of us take it for granted when people around us act in ways that please us. Few mothers ever praise their children for eating or playing cooperatively. Few neighbors ever thank each other for being quiet in the evening.
It’s only when others don’t act the way we want them to that we pay them special attention—and quickly! Then we criticize and explain in detail why their behavior is “bad” or “wrong” and why they really should do what we want them to do. Some people scream and threaten, and even beat others, to gain compliance.
REINFORCED RESPONSES RECUR
Ignoring behavior that you like and punishing behavior that you don’t like is a poor way of helping others learn how you want to be treated.
According to behavioral learning theory, the way others act toward you is determined in large part by how you respond. Actions which you reward will tend to increase in frequency, while actions you ignore will tend to decrease. Actions you punish will decrease, unless the other person is seeking attention, in which case he may continue the behavior, preferring punishment to no notice at all. (Witness the joy with which many children take to swearing once they discover the enormous negative reaction certain words elicit.)
Behavioral scientists refer to this theory as the three R’s: reinforced responses recur. You may find it easier to remember it in chart form:
To carry this point one step further: People are more-likely to continue acting the way you want them to if you reward them for doing so than they are if you punish them for acting differently.
Let me illustrate these points by telling you about a student of mine in Oregon who would frequently spot me eating between classes and ask to join me. Shortly after we had exchanged greetings, Tim would always find some excuse to start complaining about the rain and cold, about the way his ex-wife had treated him, and about how boring and thankless his job was.
I knew that Tim was in no serious emotional difficulty and so I decided to change his behavior around me by responding only to his occasional cheerful and optimistic remarks. When he mentioned that a neighbor was helping him fix his car, or that an exciting performer was coming to town, or that he had run into an old friend, I smiled and nodded and asked him open-ended questions. When he became negative, I ignored him. I’d look around at a passerby or I’d start picking apart my sandwich.
In a short while, his behavior changed completely and he became good natured and upbeat around me. Every time I saw him he’d greet me with a hello and a smile and some good news. Before I returned to California, he confided that those moments with me were often the best part of his day. With everyone else, you see, he was just as grumpy and negative as ev
er.
At a San Francisco Conversationally Speaking workshop, after I related both this story and the fact that it’s more effective to reward behavior you like than it is to punish behavior you don’t like, two women immediately burst out with the following:
MERLE: That really explains a lot. You see, my children haven’t been calling as often as I’d like, so when they do call, I’ve been very cold and distant-sounding to them. Kind of like Mrs. Portnoy in that book: “Alex? Alex? Do I have a son named Alex? Oh yes, I used to have one, but I haven’t heard from him in years.” [Laughs] All this has gotten me is a big fat nothing—fewer calls than ever, in fact. Maybe it’s time to change my tune.
ABBY: I help supervise a group of Brownies. You know, take them to the county fair and to Great America. The girls seem to constantly tattle on each other to me, while leaving all the other adults alone. I’ve always wondered, why me? I certainly don’t like hearing that sort of thing. Now I realize that the way I’d been paying attention and asking questions and working out settlements for all these disputes—all that had been terrifically rewarding! From now on, I think it would be better for me to tell them to settle their own problems.
Not only does it make sense to deliver honest positives in order to encourage others to continue acting the way you want them to act, but it also makes sense simply because it makes it more likely they will feel good about you.
According to psychologist William James, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” If you are one of the very few people (and very likely the only person) in others’ lives who satisfies this “craving to be appreciated,” you are probably going to be greatly valued as a friend. Evidence shows that complimenting others makes it more likely that you will be seen as sympathetic, understanding, and even attractive. (In contrast, one study found that couples who stopped complimenting each other began finding each other less attractive.) And when others find you expressing your feelings toward them, they are far more likely to open up to you. Thus, with a small amount of effort, you can set up positive exchanges which will help build warmth and intimacy in your relationships.
A final, and extremely important, reason for delivering positives is that they help to produce an open and supportive climate in which people around you can grow and realize their potential as human beings. Many people believe that if they express admiration for an acceptance of their children, friends, coworkers, and spouses, these people will become lazy and begin to rest on their laurels. So their way of encouraging others is to take the attitude that “enough is never enough” and to endlessly find room for improvement. For example, a close relative of mine, after slaving for years to do well at UCLA, was told by his mother, “You know, I used to think it was a big deal to make Phi Beta Kappa—until you got it.”
A Seattle artist named Marie lived with parents who practiced this strategy for years:
If I took out the wash, my mother would tell me it was about time I helped around the house. If I got all A’s and one B, Dad would ask what I did wrong to get the B. One time when I was little, I really tried to keep my shoes in shape, and they lasted for a record six months. But what did my father do when I smilingly showed them to him? He brought out a pair he said he’d bought in Kansas City—twenty years ago! After that, I realized I was just never going to win with them.
Considerable psychological evidence suggests that this “negative” strategy not only seldom works but is often actually harmful. Rather than continuing to strive endlessly for approval, people who receive only negative feedback generally tend to become exceedingly cautious and self-conscious and begin seeing themselves as inadequate. After a while, they may simply give up. Among those few who are stirred on to great achievement by this strategy, fewer still enjoy their success. Most, echoing critical voices from the past, find something to lament. One such person, who made $150,000 last year working sixteen-hour days, recently confided to me in all apparent seriousness that, with his brains, he really should have pulled in $300,000.
HOW TO EFFECTIVELY DELIVER DIRECT POSITIVES2
The most common way to express admiration is to deliver a direct positive. This type of compliment tells people in a straightforward manner what it is you appreciate about their behavior, appearance, and possessions. When I bring up this skill in workshops, I usually begin by asking my students to compliment me or someone else in the class. Here are the first compliments I got one time in each category:
BEHAVIOR: “You’re a good teacher.”
APPEARANCE: “You have a nice haircut.”
POSSESSIONS: “I like your shoes.”
Positives like these can be improved and heightened in two ways:
1. Be specific: Your positive statements will be stronger and more believable if you tell others exactly what you like and make it evident that each remark applies uniquely to the person you are addressing and not just to anyone.
For example:
BEHAVIOR: “I like the way you come around during exercises and give each of us your personal attention.”
APPEARANCE: “I think that new styling really highlights your eyes.”
POSSESSIONS: “Those tan loafers go well with your khaki pants.”
2. Say the person’s name: It has been recognized since Plato and Socrates that most people consider their name to be the most beautiful sound in the world and that they pay more attention to sentences in which it appears. In addition, using a person’s name is yet another way of showing that each compliment you pay is tailored uniquely to fit that person alone.
For example:
BEHAVIOR: “Alan, I like the way you come around during exercises and give each of us your personal attention.”
APPEARANCE: “Alan, I think that new styling really highlights your eyes.”
POSSESSIONS: “Alan, those tan loafers go well with your khaki pants.”
HOW TO HELP OTHERS
ACCEPT OUR DIRECT POSITIVES
Dear Abby:
My wife has a habit of down-grading sincere compliments.
If I say, “Gee, Hon, you look nice in that dress,” her reply is likely to be, “Do you really think so? It’s just a rag my sister gave me.”
Or if I tell her she did a great job cleaning up the house, her response might be, “Well, I guess you haven’t seen the kids’ room.”
I find it hard to understand why she can’t accept a compliment without putting herself down. And it hurts me a little. How do you explain it, Abby?
—Perplexed3
In all likelihood, you too have found that many people have a hard time accepting your direct compliments. Out of a sense of modesty or because they simply can’t think of other ways to reply, they often deny the validity of your praise and thus discourage you from paying them more compliments in the future.
BEHAVIOR: “Oh, I’m just doing my job.”
APPEARANCE: “I think the stylist cut it too short, myself.”
POSSESSIONS: “You like these old shoes?”
Whatever the reason for this problem, there is something you can do to make compliments easier and more rewarding for you to give and for others to receive: You can follow your compliments with questions. (Open-ended questions are best, but anything is fine.) That way, when others hear your compliments, instead of having to fumble about for a response, they can simply thank you and answer your questions.
Here, then, is what our original direct positives look like after they have been made specific, have had the recipient’s name added, and have been followed by a question:
BEHAVIOR: “Alan, I like the way you come around during exercises and give each of us your personal attention. Tell me, what’s the single most common error that you observe?”
APPEARANCE: “Alan, I think that new layered styling really highlights your eyes. How did you happen to try it?”
POSSESSIONS: “Alan, those tan loafers go well with your khaki pants. What made you decide to select that style?”
TURNING NEGATI
VES INTO DIRECT POSITIVES
When you set your mind to it, you can almost always find some way to turn destructive criticism into constructive praise. If nothing else, instead of criticizing others for failing, you can compliment them for improving in some small way or for at least trying.
Consider these examples:
Instead of saying . . .
You could say . . .
“Too bad you didn’t get the raise.
“Patty, I think it’s great you told your boss what you want, even if you didn’t get it. What do you suppose you can do next to change his mind?”
“This story you wrote is ridiculous.”
“Valerie, I like the paragraph where Armond is being forced to either marry or walk the plank. The adjectives you used made it come alive for me. Where did you get the idea for that scene?”
“It took you five years to graduate? What was your problem?”
“You stuck it out, Joanne. Not everyone could have done that. What are you doing to celebrate?”
“Oops! You fell down again! Guess you’ll have to wait a few more months before you can reach me.”
“Congratulations Oly! You walked a step farther than yesterday!”
In cases where someone is doing something you don’t like, you can most effectively encourage a change by rewarding whatever instances you see of the behavior you prefer and by ignoring the behavior you want discontinued.
Instead of saying . . .
