by Alan Garner
“When you were deliberately sloppy . . .”
“When you tried to get back at me this morning . . .”
“When you try to impress me by speeding . . .”
Requests for change are almost always weakened by the use of inferences. You can’t know other people’s motives, so your inferences will frequently be wrong. And even when you are right, others will seldom admit it. Instead of problem solving, the use of inferences leads only to fruitless faultfinding.
When you describe the problem behavior and deliver the rest of your request for change, the nonverbal message you send should complement your serious verbal message. Face the other person directly. Look her or him in the eye as you deliver your message. Take a deep breath before you speak. You should sound relaxed yet firm. Your facial expression should be appropriate to your message. Many people, out of nervousness, smile while telling others how upset they are. Sending such messages is confusing and lessens the impact of what you have to say.
STATE THE CONSEQUENCES
After you have claimed ownership of the problem and have described the problem behavior, state the consequences or possible consequences of that behavior. What has happened or might happen as a result of what the other person has done or is doing?
“I have a problem. When you left your clothes on the bathroom floor this morning, I tripped on them when I went in to take a shower.”
“I have a problem. When you turned the music on at 6:00 A.M. today, it woke the baby and me up.”
“I have a problem. When you drive so fast on this winding road, you put us in danger of going over the side.”
When possible, state the consequences of the behavior from a positive perspective. For example: “When you keep giving me the answers, my own math ability isn’t improving as much as we’d all like.”
DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS
Finally, describe your feelings about the behavior and its consequences:
“I have a problem. When you left your clothes on the bathroom floor this morning, I tripped on them when I went in to take a shower, and I feel angry.
“I have a problem. When you turned the music on at 6:00 A.M. today, it woke the baby and me up, and still upset.”
“I have a problem. When you drive so fast on this winding road, you put us in danger of going over the side, and I feel afraid.”
Be sure to express your feelings briefly. Don’t use profanity, as it often serves only to increase defensiveness and inflame situations. Say nothing about the other person’s character or personality. (“You’re irresponsible.” “You’re thoughtless.” “You’re no good.”) And lastly, be certain that you don’t substitute thoughts and inferences for feelings:
“. . . and I feel that you don’t care about me.”
“. . . and I feel discounted.”
“. . . and I feel that you enjoy scaring me.”
A SUMMARY FORMULA
To remember the above tips, use the following formula: “I have a problem. When you [describe the behavior], [state the consequences], and I feel [describe your feelings].
PAUSE
Once you have completed your statement, stop. Be silent. Allow the other person time to reflect on what you have said, to propose a solution which suits both of your needs. You will look stronger and the other person will be more likely to abide by any solution the two of you reach if she or he has a hand in its formulation. In one workshop, an office manager named Anneke complained that she has tried to give people a chance to propose a solution, but no one ever has. This is a common complaint, and so we role-played a sample situation. It quickly became obvious that she was, in fact, leaving the other person only a second or two to reply before repeating her grievance or voicing some new complaint. In subsequent role plays—and in real life—Anneke found that when she made it a point to stop talking and silently count to 20, others regularly did come through with a proposal for meeting her needs.
DIRECT ASSERTION
Many—if not most—people will modify their behavior to suit your needs when you use the approach described above. When that doesn’t happen, you will need to be more specific about what you want. You will need to make a direct assertion:
“I have a problem. When you left your clothes on the bathroom floor this morning, I tripped on them when I went in to take a shower, and I feel angry. Please put your clothes in the hamper before you leave.”
“I have a problem. When you turned the music on at 6:00 A.M. today, it woke the baby and me up, and I’m still upset. Please wear earphones or keep the music very low before 8 A.M.”
“I have a problem. When you drive so fast on this winding road, you put us in danger of going over the side, and I feel afraid. Please slow down to the speed limit.”
Your direct assertions should be concrete and should ask for a specific change in behavior (“Please knock before you enter my room”) rather than for a general change in attitude or personality (“Please be more considerate”). Your direct assertions will be taken far more seriously if you phrase them as requests, rather than as questions. (Say “I’d like you to drive me home now,” rather than “Are you ready?” Say “Let’s find another table,” rather than “Doesn’t this table seem a trifle small?”) When you hint, what you want and how much you really want it often is not clear. Your direct assertions are more likely to be followed if you make them one at a time. And, if you want large changes, you are far more likely to get them if you get agreements for small changes to take place over time.
On some occasions, you may find that your requests for change will work better if you are flexible and vary the order of the behavior, the consequences, your feelings, and your direct assertions. You may even find it appropriate to omit one or more elements of your request for change. For example:
“I have a problem and I’m really upset. We’ve missed most of the play already because you’re here an hour late, so I’d like us to just call it a day and try again another time.” (Ownership Statement, Feeling Description, Statement of Consequences, Behavior Description, and Direct Assertion.)
“Please don’t ask my mother to talk about her childhood in the future. She had a very rough childhood and became distraught when you asked her about it.” (Direct Assertion, Statement of Consequences, and Behavior Description.)
“I have a problem. I just asked you not to take our picture and then you did it again. You’ve interrupted our conversation and hurt my eyes. I’m angry and I’m asking you, once again, to please leave us alone.” (Ownership Statement, Behavior Description, Statement of Consequences, Feeling Description, and Direct Assertion.)
REPEATED ASSERTION
Even when you make a direct assertion, others will sometimes fail to understand what you want, will ignore you, or will change the subject. In such cases, it is frequently necessary to repeat your point until you are certain it has registered, a technique called repeated assertion. You may also find the techniques of agreeing with the truth and agreeing with the critic’s right to an opinion of value here. Here is an example of a conversation that Christy, one of my students, had shortly after taking Conversationally Speaking.
CHRISTY: Mark, I have a problem. You’ve been drinking a lot and I’m afraid to ride with you, afraid you’ll get us into an accident. So I’d like to drive.
MARK: Aw, come on, Christy! Don’t be a spoilsport!
CHRISTY: I’m afraid, Mark, and I’d like to drive.
MARK: I’m okay, really I am. Say, who was that gal who said goodbye to you as we left?
CHRISTY: I can see how you might think you’re okay. Mark. But I’m afraid, and so I’d like to drive.
MARK: But Christy, I’ve driven after drinking plenty of times—and I’m still here! What do you say, shall we go to another club?
CHRISTY: Yes, you are still here. But I’m afraid of an accident and so I’d like to drive.
MARK: Okay. (Yawns.) Do you mind if I take a little nap in the back while you drive?
Note that Christy
stuck to her point and didn’t allow Mark to get her onto a new subject. When you are using repeated assertion and the other person makes personal attacks or irrelevant comments, you can simply ignore them or deny their relevance or even agree with them and then redirect the subject back to your main point. If you don’t, your point will probably be lost.
As in the Broken Record technique, Christy used the exact words over and over again in making her repeated assertion. That, however, isn’t necessary. What is necessary is that you stick to the same general point, however you phrase it. Consider the following dialogue:
JANE: Dear, we have a problem. We just have to start exercising daily. Putting it off is only getting us fatter and fatter—and I know neither of us likes the thought of getting fat.
PETER: Yeah, yeah. I suppose you’re right. Say, what’s for dinner?
JANE: I’m not kidding, Peter. I just weighed myself—and I’ve gained another 3 pounds! We have got to start doing some physical exercise regularly.
PETER: I’d like to do something, but we tried last year, and it didn’t work.
JANE: That’s true, but that doesn’t mean we can’t succeed now. Let’s get started working out every day and let’s stick to it this time.
PETER: You sound serious. Alright then, let’s talk.
When you have a point to make to people who are especially defensive or angry, use active listening to diffuse their tension and make them more receptive to your message. Your strategy here is simple: (1) deliver your assertion, (2) be silent, (3) use active listening to reply to the defensive response, (4) repeat steps 1, 2, and 3 as often as necessary to have your point heard. For example:
ANNA: I know it’s my problem, but I’m angry. When you’re as late as you are tonight and don’t call, all the food ends up overcooked. Please phone me when you’ll be late.
TOM: Nag, nag, nag. When you get like this, Anna, I wish I’d come home even later.
ANNA: You think I’m making too big a deal over this.
TOM: I wish you’d never taken that darn Conversationally Speaking.
ANNA: You’d rather I be quiet and passive.
TOM: In some ways, yes. I liked you better when we were courting. You never criticized anything I did then.
ANNA: Tom, when you’re as late as you are tonight and don’t call, it makes me angry because all the food ends up overcooked. Please let me know when you’ll be late.
TOM: Haven’t you ever been late and not called?
ANNA: You don’t think I’ve been practicing the behavior I’m asking from you. But when you’re late and don’t call, the food ends up overcooked. Please let me know when you’ll be late.
Notice how Anna didn’t let herself get thrown off by Tom’s last remark. When someone asks you a question while you’re active listening, simply reflect the meaning or the feelings that you think lie behind the message.
It may be necessary for Anna (and you) to continue using active listening and voicing her assertion any number of times before her message has finally registered.
ARRIVING AT A RESOLUTION
Once your message has been received, it may be accepted, rejected, or an alternative may be suggested which better meets the other person’s needs too. Be certain that as you negotiate your agreement, you keep in mind your original intent—to have some need met or some right respected. Your solution must satisfy that intent or your efforts have been in vain. Once you arrive at a solution, use active listening to reinforce the agreement in both of your minds and to be certain each of you has achieved the same understanding. (“So we’ve agreed that each of us will phone if we’ll be over fifteen minutes late and that the other person will set the oven on “Warm” when that happens so the food won’t overcook. Is that right?”) Finally, propose a specific time when the two of you will review how the solution is working and if any changes are needed. If you don’t show your commitment to having the agreement carried out by taking this final step, the other person probably won’t care much either. Your working out a specific time to check up on the agreement shows that you are serious about seeing the agreement become part of your continuing relationship.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Conveying Meaning by Motion
Freud wrote that all behavior is meaningful. Whether he was right or not, it is certain that all behavior is assigned meaning by others.
In Sense Relaxation, Bernard Gunther portrays nonverbal communication in the following way:
Shaking hands
Your posture
Facial expressions
Your appearance
Voice tone
Hair style
Your clothes
The expression in your eyes
Your smile
How close you stand to others
How you listen
Your confidence
Your breathing . . .
The way you move
The way you stand
How you touch other people
These aspects of you
affect your relationship
with other people, often
without you and them
realizing it . . .
The body talks, its message
is how you really are,
not how you think you are . . .
There are some girls
who lack support
and are pushovers. Many
in our culture
reach forward from the neck
because they are anxious
to get ahead. Others
hold their necks tight;
afraid to lose their head.
Body language is literal.
To be depressed is, in fact,
to press against yourself.
To be closed off
is to hold your muscles rigid
against the world. Being open
is being soft.
Hardness is being up tight
cold, separate,
giving yourself and other people
a hard time. Softness
is synonymous with pleasure,
warmth, flow, being
alive.8
Shakespeare wrote that all orators give two speeches at the same time: the one which is heard and the one which is seen. You can’t not communicate. Whether you smile or maintain a blank face, look straight ahead or down at the ground, reach out and touch or hold back, you are communicating and others will attach meaning to that communication.
Nonverbal signals don’t usually convey messages all by themselves; rather, they normally tell others how you feel about the verbal messages you are sending or receiving. For example, if someone trips and you say, “You’re so clumsy,” the message will be far different depending upon whether you smile or frown.
Generally speaking, your face lets others know what emotions you are experiencing while the rest of your body reveals how strongly you feel them. If you said, for example, “Would you please leave,” it is your face which would express your anger by frowning, while the intensity of that anger would be demonstrated by your pointing toward the door. If you said, “Let’s get together next week,” your smile would show your liking while an accompanying pat on the back would show how much.
Besides actors, politicians, strippers, and psychologists, few people pay much attention to the silent messages they send others. This is unfortunate, because most people unconsciously send nonverbal messages which discourage interaction and contradict, rather than complement, their verbal messages. And since nonverbal behavior is regarded as being outside of conscious control, the nonverbal message will almost always be the one believed when it conflicts with verbal behavior.
Take Julie, a dental hygienist, for example. Julie was exceedingly skillful verbally, yet she was seldom able to sustain a conversation beyond a few minutes. At her suggestion, I observed her socializing at a cocktail party. I saw that whenever she approached a man or woman, or was approached, she smiled weakly and crossed her arms. During her conve
rsations, she seldom nodded and spent far more time looking at the other guests than at the person she was talking to. Though verbally, Julie was saying, “I like you. I’m interested in you,” her body language was saying, “Go away. I’m bored and uncomfortable.”
Like verbal communication, nonverbal communication involves skills which can be improved with understanding and practice. This chapter will focus on six typical problem areas: person space, posture, touch, making eye contact, smiling, and nodding.
PERSONAL SPACE
Space isn’t empty; it is rich with meaning and plays a major role in shaping your relationships.
People consider their apartments and homes their personal territory and don’t want others to intrude without their permission. They also carry about with them mobile personal territories which only those “close” to them are welcome to enter. Generally speaking, this personal airspace is coffin-shaped, extending three to five feet in front for strangers, one and one-half to three feet for friends, and much less on the back and sides. If you come closer, you are signaling a desire to be either hostile or intimate. If you stay farther away, you’re “saying” you are aware of their presence, but aren’t really interested in making contact.
People’s desire for space varies with their mood. For instance, when they feel angry or under stress, their personal territory enlarges, and distances which were formerly comfortable become anxiety-producing.
Personal territories also differ between cultures. Italians, French, Spanish, Russians, and Latin Americans generally have smaller territories and feel comfortable far closer together than do North Americans. Arabs have practically no desire for personal airspace. They face each other at what we would consider an intimate distance, and for them, bathing in each other’s warm, moist breath is an important form of communication.
