by Hamel, B. B.
“That’s interesting,” he said finally. “Very interesting.”
“I can make that problem go away if you make my problem go away.”
“Here’s the issue with that. We already said we wanted you to work for us, to do some medical jobs for us, and now you’re backing off.”
I stared him down and nodded. “I’m not as foolish as you might think. I know that once you get your hooks in me, you’ll never let me go. Five years, two years, it won’t matter. Once I’ve seen things, you can’t let me walk.”
A glimmer of a smile passed his lips. “That’s true.”
“Then I’m telling you right now, I’ll never take that deal. I’d rather have to kill Cosimo myself than risk being trapped with you people.” That was another lie, at least from my end—I knew Erica would rather that, at least.
“You seemed more willing during our last discussion. What changed your mind?”
“I thought about it. Talked to my priest. Emailed my friends from high school.” I leaned toward him, eyebrows raised. “Does it really matter?”
He laughed and shook his head. “I guess not. Frankly, you’re right not to take that deal. Vincent wanted to trap you into our service. He figured he could get a cheap doctor that way, and honestly, he was right. If you’d taken the deal, we would’ve milked you for all you were worth, and maybe killed you in the end.”
“Good thing I changed my mind.”
“Good thing.” He stroked his chin and nodded. “All right. I’ll take this to Vincent, so long as you can really get the zoning through.”
“I’ll make it happen.”
“We’ll be in touch then.”
I hesitated, then stood up. I looked at him and he smirked back at me then picked up his paper. I knew I was dismissed, but I wanted to ask him one more thing. I should’ve kept my mouth shut, but I couldn’t help it.
“Is it common for your soldiers to try to marry the people that owe them money?”
He met my gaze and shrugged. “I’m in an unusual business, Dr. Majors. Who knows what’s normal under these circumstances?”
I nodded and turned, leaving him behind. I walked to the door and stepped out into the morning.
A strange surge of hope rushed through me as I walked toward the curb. Dante seemed receptive of my offer, and he even admitted that they never would’ve let me go if I agreed to work for them. That was never going to happen now, no matter what they said—and he had to know it.
Before I could cross the street, some motion caught my eye. I turned and took a step back as Cosimo came barreling toward me.
I sucked in a breath as he tried to smash into me. I dropped my weight and slammed an elbow into his shoulder, knocking him aside and breaking his tackle. He grunted and hit the pavement, rolling to one side with an angry grunt. He climbed to his feet as I took a few steps away, putting distance between us, and he laughed. His lip looked scratched and he wore an oversized sweater with a pair of dark jeans.
“Fancy seeing you here,” he said, grinning huge.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Testing you. Couldn’t help myself. You’re such a delightful target.”
“Go to hell, Cosimo.”
“I know what you were doing in there. You think you can convince my bosses to get me to step down.”
I glared at him, muscles tense, ready for a fight. I knew Dante wouldn’t come out and help me, and if Cosimo decided to escalate this, I had to be ready to stop him.
“I’m appealing to someone sane.”
He cackled with delight. “You think they’re sane? I work for some of the most bloodthirsty motherfuckers in this city. And you think they’re sane?”
“I think they aren’t trying to marry a woman that owes them money.”
He waved that off. “You live in such a simple little world, don’t you, doctor? But unfortunately, my world is very complicated, and very dark. I’m telling you right now, I don’t care what my bosses say. This isn’t about business anymore. For me, it’s very personal.”
“Go to hell.” I clenched my jaw and tightened my fists, taking a step toward him. I wished I had a knife, or a gun, or anything I could use to break him, kill him, and end this right here and now.
“Oh, don’t you worry.” He took a few steps back toward the bakery. “I’ll be dragging you down there with me.”
He turned and pushed the door open and disappeared inside.
I stood there, heart racing. I was tempted to follow him inside, but that wouldn’t help a damn thing, and Dante would side with him, of course. I couldn’t do anything about it, so I turned and stormed back to my car.
At least Dante had accepted my offer, or at least was interested in it. At least there was some possibility of getting out of this alive and in one piece and not in debt to the goddamn mafia, however slim.
I turned on the car and drove back home to Erica, my mind a whirling mess of conflicting emotions and anger and rage.
24
Erica
I felt a strange flood of relief as I walked with Gavin to the hospital later that afternoon. He left me on my mother’s floor and kissed my cheek before disappearing down a side hallway and out of sight. I wandered toward the nurses’ station, trying to work through our situation in my mind.
Fiona half stood and waved at me. “Hey, you,” she said.
I smiled at her. “Hey, yourself. I figured I’d come visit my mom.”
“Good thinking.” She came out from behind the desk and slipped her arm through mine. “Slow day today.”
“Gavin was talking about how busy it’s been.”
“That’s sort of how it goes around here. For a day or two, it’s nonstop, and then it’s totally dead and quiet for a few days until the rush happens again.”
“Sounds stressful.”
She shrugged and shook her head. “You get used to it.”
We reached my mom’s room and stepped inside. I shut the door behind us then lingered at the end of her bed.
“How’s she doing?” I asked.
“Same as before.” She checked the chart and let out a little grunt. “No change, really. It’s a good and a bad thing.”
“Good how?”
“She’s not getting worse.”
I nodded slowly and touched my mom’s hand. “But she’s not getting better, either.”
“Pretty much. I think a lot of doctors would say that if she’s not getting worse, that’s a good sign, but I don’t know.”
“Thanks for being honest.”
“Sure thing.” She put the chart back at the end of the bed. “I gotta ask. How’s living with Gavin been?”
I looked up, a little surprised, and felt my heart jolt. “Uh, good.”
She gave me a grin. “Oh? Good?”
“Yeah, I mean, he works a lot, so he’s not around much.”
“Right. That look on your face says something else.”
I felt my cheeks turn red. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Sure, whatever.” She laughed and shook her head. “Honestly, when this whole thing started, I thought you two were absolutely insane. Like, literally, I was looking up psychologists I could send you both to. But then I saw you two together, and it sort of made sense.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. He looks at you a certain way. And when he does that, you sort of… brighten up. Like you glow a little bit.”
I shook my head. “I don’t see it.”
“Yeah, I bet you don’t.” She laughed again and stretched. “I’m just saying, I know I was tough on you two at the start, but I changed my mind.”
I smiled a little and stared down at my mom. I could see that look she meant, that look Gavin gave me whenever he was around—it was admiring, like he couldn’t get enough of me, and it drove me wild. I thought I did a better job at hiding it, but I guess not.
“He talked about taking her off the breathing machine again.”
“That mi
ght be a good idea.”
I looked at her. “Really?”
She chewed on her lip then gestured at my mom. “No change, right? But if you want her to wake up, something’s got to, sooner or later.”
“What if she can’t breathe?”
She shook her head and didn’t respond.
I looked back down at my mom. I didn’t know what to do, couldn’t picture the right course of action. Everything seemed so complicated and fraught, and the consequences were enormous. If I was wrong, then my mother could die. And if I was right, she might wake up—or she might breathe on her own, but still be in a coma.
I hated this choice and hated myself for being too weak to make it.
“I know I have to do something,” I said, not looking at her. “But I feel like no matter which way I go, something could go wrong.”
“That’s how it is here,” she said. “But most of the time, doing nothing is worse than doing the wrong thing, if that makes sense. You don’t have a chance if you don’t do anything.”
“You miss all the shots you don’t take.” I smiled a little bit.
“Sure, that’s putting it mildly.” Fiona sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “I know this is hard, but I think you should take her off the machine. I wasn’t sure before, but the more I watch your mom, the more I think she’s stable and can survive without it. And if that’s the case, then your options are going to open up big time. You can do home care, you can do a lot of things.”
“And she might wake up,” I said softly.
“I can’t promise that. She might, but she might not. There are a lot of benefits though, even if she doesn’t come out of that.”
I nodded and looked at her, feeling tears in my eyes. “Thanks for being a friend.”
“Of course.” She walked over and put an arm around my shoulders. She hugged me that way and stood with me looking down at my mom. “I’m rooting for you guys. I really am.”
“Thanks.”
We stood in silence for a minute before she let me go and walked to the door. She gave me a last smile then disappeared, heading back to the nurses’ station.
I lingered with my mom for a while. I held her hand and told her about everything that was going on, and in a strange way it felt cathartic, like I was getting it off my chest. Mom didn’t react, didn’t open her eyes, but it felt like the old days, at least a little bit. I used to tell her everything, and we’d talk all the time. I missed her voice, missed her laugh, missed her smile. I missed my mom.
I stood and walked to the door, feeling overwhelmed. I stepped into the hall and had to take a minute, breathing fast and hard, trying to calm myself down. I leaned against the wall and stared at my feet, breathing deep and slow, pushing the air out loud enough to hear it, going over an exercise I’d learned from some mindfulness app. I picked my head up when I felt calmer and spotted Gavin walking toward me, a worried expression on his face.
A strange compulsion came over me. I pushed off the wall and walked to him, and we met in the center of the hallway in the shadow of several empty doors. The sounds of beeping machines and muffled voices swirled around us and I reached up to touch his face. He said nothing, only let me stroke his cheek, then bent down to kiss me softly, holding me tight, pulling me against him. I fell into that kiss and let myself have it, let myself finally have a moment of peace, a moment of calm, a moment of pleasure.
He pulled back. “Are you okay?”
“I’ll be okay.”
“Good.” A little smile played across his lips. “I was looking for you.”
“Yeah? You found me.”
“I was hoping you could come with me.”
“Where are we going?”
“I have a meeting with Dr. Martin in a few minutes.”
I chewed my lip and stared into his handsome eyes. I knew what that meant—he wanted to bring me while he asked the all-important question, and I was actually happy about that. I wanted to be there, to make sure things would work out the way they were supposed to, although I wasn’t sure what I could do if things went wrong.
“Yeah, of course.” I nodded, steeling myself. “Let’s do it.”
He smiled and took my hand. “You’re a good person, you know that?”
“Not even a little bit.”
“You act like you’re not—but look at everything you’re going through for your mom.”
I shook my head. “Sometimes I feel like I’m only doing it for myself.”
“If that were the case, then you would’ve run away a while ago.”
I looked away, back toward mom’s room, and maybe he was right about that. If it weren’t for her, I could’ve hit the road a while ago and tried to escape, but because I couldn’t leave her alone in that state, I had nowhere to run.
He tugged me along and I followed, trying to figure out the puzzle of what kind of person I wanted to be, or if I was simply damaged, and broken, and too self-centered to ever be decent the way I hoped I could be.
25
Gavin
I lingered outside of Dr. Martin’s office even though we were a few minutes late and looked back at Erica. She smiled at me though I could see the uncertainty in her eyes, the internal struggle she must’ve been going over. I thought about what she said back there, about how she wasn’t sure if she was a good person, and I could imagine what sort of negative ideas rolled around her head. But I knew she was good, even if she couldn’t admit it, even if she wasn’t perfect.
Good people didn’t always do the right thing. People weren’t built like that and the world was never so straightforward.
Good people did the best with that they had. Good people struggled and fought and didn’t give up when things got uncomfortable. Good people tried hard for those they loved.
Erica tried hard for her mother. Even if I got sucked into this situation— that wasn’t on her. I chose this route, wanted it, fought for it, and I’m not going to let her lay claim to my decisions.
She was a good person because she didn’t take the easy way out.
I admired that in her, and I knew she couldn’t see it yet, since she was too deep inside this whole thing to be able to see it all clearly, but I hoped one day she’d figure it out.
I reached out and touched her hand. She wrapped her fingers into mine.
“I’ll do the talking, okay?”
She nodded. “Sounds good to me.”
I squeezed her hand then let her go and pushed the door open. Dr. Martin looked up from a stack of paperwork and gestured vaguely toward a pair of chairs in front of his desk. “Hey, Gavin, I didn’t know we were bringing wives to this little gathering.”
“Hello again, Dr. Martin.”
He grunted and waved a hand. “Please, it’s Fred. Go on, take a seat.”
I sat and leaned toward him, hands on my knees. Erica shifted and seemed somewhat uncomfortable.
“Thanks for seeing me.”
“No problem. I’ve got a patient in ten minutes, so we can’t talk long.”
“It shouldn’t be a problem.” I took a deep breath and considered how best to approach this. I’d been mulling over the question for hours now, and it seemed as though there was truly no tactful way to ask him for this favor, so I decided to jump right in. “I need your help with something.”
“Sure, of course. I’m guessing it’s cancer related?” He frowned at Erica. “I hope it’s not—?”
She shook her head. “Oh, no, I’m okay.”
“Good.” He let out a sigh of relief. “You’ve got me on edge here, Gavin. What’s going on?”
“You’re on the city zoning board, is that right?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, sure. Something I do in my spare time, I guess. Not exactly a ton of fun but it’s a good way to be involved with the city.”
“I was hoping you could get something approved for me.”
He looked surprised and leaned back in his chair, studying me with a confused expression. He glanced at Erica then back at me
and shook his head slowly. “I’m not sure how you think the board operates,” he started, but I spoke up and stopped him.
“I know you’re a man of integrity, Fred,” I said, holding up my hands. “This is a favor for me. A favor to get me out of trouble.”
He shook his head. “What the hell’s going on?”
I glanced at Erica then told him as much as I could. I left out her involvement as much as possible, and stuck to the basic facts: Cosimo, money, exchanging debt for this favor. When I finished he shook his head and looked completely blown away.
“I know it seems like a lot,” I said. “But please understand that if there were any other way, I’d never come to you like this.”
“You’re asking me to help out a bunch of mobsters.”
“I know that.”
“All for what? So they’ll leave you alone?”
I glanced at Erica. “So they’ll leave us both alone.”
Understanding seemed to dawn on him. He grunted and rubbed his face with both hands. “Jesus Christ, what did you two get into?”
“It was my father,” Erica said. “He was a drunk and a gambler and an all-around asshole. We’re trying to clean up the mess he made when he killed himself.”
“What a shitty situation,” Fred said. “You couldn’t have chosen a more awful set of people to get involved with.”
“I know,” I said. “Like I said, if there was any other way, we’d take it.”
He stood up abruptly and paced along behind his desk, shaking his head. “I wish I could say this is the first I’m hearing about this property, but it’s not.”
“They’ve approached you before?”
“Dante has. And that Vincent guy. I don’t know this Cosimo, and that’s fine by me. The other two are bad enough.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“They tried to pressure me. Offered me money, and when that didn’t work, they offered me favors, and when that also failed, they threatened me. I’ve been ignoring them now for months.”
