“I’ll be back later,” she told her mom.
Shouldering her way through all the bikers that had gathered around the front porch, she took off for her bike. She needed to get away from everyone. She needed time to herself to simply feel, without interruption.
Throwing her leg over her bike, she quickly snapped on her helmet and fired it to life. Without even looking back toward the clubhouse, she cranked down on the throttle and spewed rocks as she tore out of the lot and down the driveway. At the end, she took a left and headed away from town.
Steph rode her bike through the curves, letting the wind whip at her face. She tried to clear her head, but her thoughts were all over the place, refusing to be tamed. She hated that people thought she had no reason to be upset.
Like, what the fucking hell, she thought. Who wouldn’t be upset?
She just couldn’t understand.
How would they feel knowing that they had been run through the wringer by someone who supposedly loved them, only to find out that it was all a lie? How was she supposed to just go on as nothing happened?
She swiped a tear from her face.
Pulling her bike over at a nearby rest area, Steph climbed off the back and angrily unsnapped her helmet and tossed it to the ground. Walking over to a ratty picnic table, she stepped on the seat and sat on the top. Dropping her head, she let go of the tears that she’d been holding back for what seemed like ages.
She cried for her loss. She cried for the hurt that was currently eating at her soul. She cried for everything that could have been, and even more for what would never be. Because she couldn’t see her and Rafa ever having the future they’d dreamed about. There’d be no way to make it work. The love of her life was right at the tip of her fingers, and Steph was too scared to reach out for him and reclaim what they once had.
What if he left again? she asked herself.
Off in the distance, she heard the sound of another bike. It was getting closer, so Steph quickly wiped her face and tried to compose herself just in case the rider was looking for her.
Which as it turned out, he was.
She looked on as Joker pulled his bike alongside hers and climbed off. It felt like it had been ages since she’d seen him instead of days. So much had happened in his life in the last few months, that Steph wasn’t even able to keep up anymore.
“What’s going on?” he asked as he walked over to the table and sat down beside her booted feet.
“I just needed some air,” she replied.
“Ya know, there’s air at the clubhouse, right?” he joked. “Shit’s floating around the place all willy nilly like.”
“Is it now?” She decided to play along. “I hadn’t noticed.”
“Probably because of all the newcomers,” he said. “The place is like a zoo.”
“That it is.”
Since the club started hunting down former FBI agent, Elgin Williams, several chapters had shown up to lend support. Colorado, Mississippi, and even California members had shown up. Sledge had been busy sending groups out to known areas that Williams frequented. Hell, even Joker’s girlfriend, who happened to be Williams’ daughter, had gotten in on the hunt. Whatever had happened between father and daughter had left a lot of bad blood there, but Steph had yet to get the details and didn’t really want to know them. After all, some things just weren’t her business. And with everything going on in her life, work and the club, she didn’t have time to nose around in other people’s affairs. Now, add in Rafa mysteriously showing back up after being dead for four years – and she didn’t have the energy to deal with anyone else’s issues.
I need a vacation, she sighed to herself.
They both stared off into the distance, letting the silence fall between them. Steph didn’t know what to say to her brother, and she had a feeling he felt the same way. Joker wasn’t the talkative type. He’d joke and play around with everyone but when it came to serious life stuff, the man became tongue-tied.
Apple doesn’t fall far from that tree, she thought, thinking about her father who was the same way.
“How long you plan on running?” he asked.
“What?” His question caught her by surprise.
“You ran, sis.” He shrugged. “Can’t say I blame you. If my ex showed up out of the blue, all zombie undead and shit, I’d probably run too.”
She thought about his question for a moment. How long did she plan to run? She didn’t know. All Steph could concentrate on was getting her emotions under control. And she didn’t know if she could do that with Rafa underfoot. Every time she looked at him, it hurt.
So, she answered her brother honestly. “I don’t know.”
Joker nodded as if he understood.
Silence descended between them again, but this time, Stephanie wondered what was going through Joker’s mind. She didn’t want to talk about her or Rafa, so to keep him from asking any more questions, she asked one of her own. “How are things with you and Jasmine?”
He nodded his head, again. “Good.”
“Just, good?” She was hoping for a bit more than that.
“I like her.” He turned his sunglass covered eyes toward her. “Really like her.”
“As in, you see a future with her, like her?”
“Yep.” Joker kicked his legs out in front of him and crossed his ankles. “She keeps me on my toes, ya know.”
She understood that.
“She silences the demons in my head.”
“What demons?” That got her attention.
Joker shrugged. “Ever since I was taken and held in that place…” He went quiet for a moment. “I have like this voice in the back of my head that demands vengeance. Like, this bloodthirsty mother fucker who just won’t shut up.”
“Have you talked to Ava about it?” Stephanie asked.
Ava was their sister, but she was always a social worker and counselor. The club used Ava’s skills when they brought in victims. However, she knew for a fact that Ava would talk to Joker, too.
“Nah,” he replied. “I think that would be a bit too weird. She’d freak out. It would be too hard to keep things professional.”
“Sounds like excuses to me,” Steph countered.
“Have you called her to make an appointment?” he asked, turning back to look at her again. She could see that his brow was raised and knew he already knew the answer.
“No.”
“Mhm.”
She should have known that he’d throw her question back at her, but it still irked her. “Our situations are completely different.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he told her. “Counseling is counseling.”
“I’ll make an appointment with Ava when you do,” Steph quipped back.
Joker chuckled. “So, never?”
“Exactly.”
“Well, since you won’t make an appointment with Ava…” He shrugged. “Talk to me. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Stephanie eyed him closely. “I don’t know who you are, but you’re not my brother.”
“What?” Joker asked.
“What did you do with the real Joker?”
He shook his head. “I’m right here, shitcake.”
She smiled at the nickname he used to call her. But still, the Joker sitting beside her wasn’t the same Joker she’d grown up with. Something about him was different. Maybe it was Jasmine. Maybe it was everything he’d been through lately. Steph didn’t know, but she was finding it kind of weird.
“Now stop avoiding my question,” he told her. “What’s up?”
She sighed heavily. If the new Joker were anything like the old one, she knew he would keep at her until she gave him an answer that satisfied him. So, she decided to just talk and maybe, he might see fit to talk right along with her.
“When I lost Rafa,” she started to explain, “my life crumbled.”
“I remember,” Joker said softly.
“Just everything fell apart.” She took a deep breath, tryin
g to fight back the tears. “I closed myself off. I pushed everyone away and I know I hurt the people I love by doing it, but it was the only way to save myself, ya know.”
“I get that.” And she believed him. If anyone understood her need for self-protection, it would be her brother.
“And I’d been doing so good these last few months.” She chuckled, but there was nothing funny about the situation. “And then Rocco and the Holston crew showed up.” She threw her hands in the air. “And he held that stupid sign up…”
“What sign?” Joker interrupted.
She waved away his question. It wasn’t important. “Doesn’t matter,” she said instead. “But I was doing good. And then, I wasn’t.” She shrugged. “Seeing Rafa sitting at that table and it was like everything I had done to just live – had all been for nothing.”
“What has he said?” Joker asked. “Has he explained himself at all?”
“Some bullshit about he had to do it to protect his mom and sister,” she told him.
“From what?”
“Franco threatened to send them to someplace called the cave.” She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“What the hell is the cave?”
“No clue.”
“I think you need to have a sit down with Rafa,” Joker said. “You deserve answers. Like full, leave nothing out, spill all the ugliness, type answers.”
“I don’t think it would do any good.”
“Never know until you try.”
And that was something she didn’t know if she could do. Trying meant opening herself to more hurt. It meant putting herself in another situation to get her heart ripped to shreds.
“Do you love him?” Joker asked.
“Yes.” She didn’t even have to think about it. Even after all the time that had passed, and knowing it had all been a lie, Stephanie still loved Rafa with everything she had.
“Then what are you doing here?” Joker questioned. “Get back to the clubhouse and talk to him.”
“I can’t.”
“Why the hell not?”
“I’m scared,” she replied honestly. “I’m terrified to open myself up to the possibility of losing him again.”
“Steph…” Joker stood and turned toward her. Reaching out, he pulled her from the table and wrapped her in his arms. “It’s okay to be scared. But it’s not okay to allow that fear to control you. Own it. Use it. Don’t let it use you because if you do, it will rob you of everything you’ve ever wanted or needed in life.”
She understood the truth behind his words and had a feeling that he was talking from experience. But knowing something didn’t equate to having courage. And that was the one thing that Stephanie was lacking. And until she could find it, she would always be held captive by her fear.
Chapter Ten
Rafael
“I can’t believe he hit you!” his sister fumed. “What kind of people are these people? Who does this?” She fretted over the cut on his lip.
“Angelica, stop,” he told her.
“No!” She stared at him with fury in her eyes. “After everything we’ve been through, some asshole had the nerve to punch you because you broke up with his daughter to save your family. Seriously?”
“It’s not like that.”
“It’s exactly like that,” she argued.
“No!” He raised his voice. “It’s not.”
He moved away from her and began to pace the room. He saw the flash of fear in her eyes when he yelled at her and he felt like a prick. But he had to get her and his mother to understand. He’d fucked up. What he did to Stephanie had been wrong. What he’d put her through had almost destroyed her. And he was the only person to blame.
“I fucked up, okay?” he told them. “What I did to Stephanie… It crushed her. I lied to her. I made her believe that I’d been killed. I didn’t trust her enough to tell her the truth. I can sit here all day and say that what I did, not telling her, was to protect her.” He shrugged. “But that would be a lie, too.”
His mother and sister just stood there staring at him. Rafa felt frustrated. There was no way for him to explain this to them in a way that they would understand. Because to say that he regretted what he’d done, to them, would mean that he regretted saving them – and that wasn’t the case. His only regret was hurting and losing the only woman he’d ever love, in the process.
“Forget it.” He couldn’t do this right now. His mind was too focused on everything Diesel had said.
Moving past his family, he stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him.
“Oh, shit!”
He turned and came face to face with a short brunette who was covered in paint. “I’m sorry,” he apologized.
“It’s okay.” She smiled. “You must be Rafa?”
“Yeah.” He held out his hand.
“Jasmine.” She placed her hand in his and shook it gently. “Nice to meet you.”
“I doubt that but thank you.”
“I mean it.” She chuckled. “It’s not often that I meet someone who this family dislikes more than me.”
Her words confused him. “They don’t like you?”
“Eh.” She ricked her head from side to side. “I think it’s debatable at times.”
“She’s full of shit.”
Rafa turned to see another biker walking toward them.
“However, hide your keys and keep your car locked with her around,” the biker continued. “She’ll jack your shit and leave it on the side of the road.”
“Oh my, god, Tinker.” She rolled her eyes. “One time! Get over it already.”
Rafa had no idea what was going on between the two of them, but he was in enough shit already and wanted no part in it.
“Mhm.” Tinker, the biker, didn’t look as if he believed her. “As I said,” he told Rafa, “hide your keys and lock the doors.”
“Don’t listen to him,” Jasmine said. “He’s still salty.”
“Damn right I am!” Tinker replied.
“Anyway.” Jasmine turned away from Tinker and back to him. “I was just kidding about the hating you part, by the way. From what I hear, most of the club actually likes you. Which, now that I think about it, makes me a bit jealous.”
“Aww.” Tinker stuck out his lower lip. “Poor Jassy is sad.”
“Shut up,” she told him.
“Girl, you know I’m just playing with you.” Tinker laughed, throwing his arm over her shoulder.
“Only reason you’re playing with me is because you know Joker would kick your ass for being a douche bag to me,” Jasmine retorted.
“Maybe.” Tinker laughed. “Anyway, I’m Tinker.” He stuck his hand out toward Rafa. “I don’t think we’ve met.”
“Rafa.” They shook hands. “And no, I don’t think we have.”
“Well,” Tinker said, gripping his hand a bit tighter. “Fix things with Steph or the next time you die, it’ll be for real.”
“Wait.” Jasmine looked between them both. “You… Noooo. You didn’t.”
Rafa didn’t even want to answer.
“That’s fucking awesome!” Jasmine slapped her hand against her leg and bent over laughing. “Oh my God. I didn’t think anyone ever really did that crap.” She pointed at Rafa. “And you did!”
Tinker shook his head. “Don’t mind her. She’s a little…” He circled his index finger next to the side of his head. “If you know what I mean.”
Crazy? Yeah, got it, Rafa thought. But to Tinker, he just nodded.
“Well, I have to get back to work on my mural,” Jasmine said, still laughing. “Nice to meet you, Rafa.” To Tinker, she said, “Get fucked, scrub.” And then walked away.
Rafa waited until she turned at the end of the hall, then looked at Tinker. “Is she always like that?”
“Yep.” He nodded. “Ever since she started coming into herself,” he put in air quotes, “she’s been all over the place. But she’s Joker’s girl so that means she’s not my problem.”
Well, if Rafa wanted a distraction from all the crap going on, Jasmine and Tinker had given him one. But he needed something a bit more physical. “Is there a gym or something around this place?” he asked Tinker.
“Yeah, man.” Tinker turned away from where Jasmine had gone. “This way.”
Rafa followed Tinker down the hallway and made a left at the end. A few doors down, Tinker stopped. “This used to be an old school. So, think of it that way. This hallway makes a huge square, you can’t get lost. But the gym is in there.” He pointed toward a set of double doors.
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”
Rafa pushed open one of the doors and was surprised to see how well kept the place was. One wall was lined with mirrors that reflected multiple weight benches and free weights. In the center of the room, several bikes, treadmills, and other equipment were in abundance. Then, near the other wall, stood a full-sized boxing ring.
He unbuttoned his dress shirt and tossed it against the wall near the door. He didn’t care that the shirt probably cost more than some of the equipment in the room. A part of him was glad he’d never have to wear it again. He was more of a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy anyway.
Walking over to the weight bench, he checked out the weights that were already on the bar, then quickly stretched out his arms before sitting down and leaning back. Getting his hands into position, Rafa lifted the bar and slowly lowered it to his chest, then back up.
One.
Two.
Three…
He tried to clear his mind and just count out his reps, but it was impossible. There was still so much he wanted, no needed, to tell Stephanie, but frustrated with himself, he didn’t know how. Rafa knew she deserved to hear the full truth, and he would be less than a man if he didn’t spill all his tea, but he was scared; and man enough to admit it.
He knew Stephanie would look at him differently once she found out what he’d done. Hell, how could she not? He looked at himself differently. The things he’d done to keep Angelica and his mother safe would turn the stomach of the most depraved human being. So, he had no illusion that Stephanie would be any different.
Capturing Stephanie: Devil's Henchmen MC Next Generation, Book Three Page 5
