His smile fades a little more as he becomes serious.
“This moment wouldn’t be as joyful as it is if you weren’t a part of my life, Cass.”
My heart starts beating, slightly painfully, in my chest. It’s not that I don’t love Tyler, because I do. But for some reason that I can’t quite explain, whenever I feel that he’s about to start talking about marriage, I feel hesitation slip – completely unwanted – through me and it always make me feel as if his feelings are a little deeper for me than mine are for him. I don’t know what the reason is, despite his commitment to me, that I can’t seem to return the same depth of feelings.
And sometimes it makes my heart ache for him, as a little feeling of guilt settles deep in my conscience. It also makes me wonder if what I’m doing, allowing myself to get in deeper with him by agreeing to move in with him, is somehow selfish and wrong.
Pulling me back into him, Ty hugs me tight as he whispers, “I love you, Cass.”
“I love you, too, Ty,” I whisper, closing my eyes shut, forcing my doubts away. I’m an idiot to even let a single doubt enter my mind. This man holding me is the tall, dark, and handsome successful business man that many women dream about. I honestly can’t imagine how my life would be without him in it. He makes it so much better than it had been because before him, I hadn’t realized how truly lonely I was or how I was unconsciously waiting for the connection I’d only ever felt once before.
Plus, he loves me. Deeply.
And I do love him.
Borden... - my mind silently whispers his name, my mind inevitably bringing me back to that night - back to him - as it does from time to time.
Had he tried to reach me? – I once again wonder silently. I’d asked myself that question repeatedly, over and over, during the weeks that I spent in hospital after that night with him.
The next morning, I’d been driving to work when a guy who was texting had swerved unknowingly over into my lane, hitting me head on. I had been knocked unconscious for several days, and when I woke up, I’d been told about my severe concussion and internal bleeding. I’d been kept in the hospital for another two weeks where I was closely monitored. I remember when I’d woken up, the first thing I’d asked my anxious looking parents was where my phone was. It had never been found and I knew my only connection with Borden had been taken away. For many months after, I’d talked myself into believing that fate had intervened, and for whatever reason fate had, it had seen that it was best that he wasn’t to be in my life.
That he would never be a part of my future. Eventually, I was able to convince myself that it had happened for a reason.
But despite all that, that night had continued to haunt me.
Sometimes, even now, when I lay in bed unable to sleep, I recall every moment from that night.
Missing him so much...
Reliving and remembering how he seemed to touch something deep within me.
That unexplainable something within me that just seemed to pulse and come alive as soon as his searing gaze had connected with mine as he waited in line.
That one night with him had made me yearn to feel that again, even if it was with someone new and I’d held off dating anyone for a long time. I kept looking for that sizzling, electrical attraction with someone else in every person I’d ever met, but it never happened.
Nothing had even come close, so I eventually gave up on the idea of dating.
Instead, I’d decided to focus my mind on my career. I worked hard, no longer living a balanced life as my heart silently craved to experience that once again and I tried hard to keep the ache buried deep by keeping busy and ignoring it, waiting for the time to pass.
Silently praying and waiting for the ache to stop throbbing so god damn much.
Since I allowed Ty in, I now have a life where I still work hard, but at least Ty is next to me, working equally as hard. He gives me a life of balance, of comfortableness and companionship, something that I didn’t know that I’d been searching for as well. I now readily admit that I like knowing that someone is there at the end of the day to go home with, to spend time with him doing simple couple things such as eating dinner together and cuddling on the couch as we watch a movie. It had become one of my favorite parts of the day since moving in because before Tyler, I’d been lonely even though I’d kept myself busy. I just hadn’t realized how lonely I was or how unreasonable it was holding on to memories of one night. Memories that I kept stupidly replaying over and over.
When I decided to go out with Tyler, I’d firmly told myself that the memories from that night, of Borden, were like a wild dream...
One that I’d overthought, making out that night – that connection, to be something more than it was...
That I’d overthought it all.
“Come on,” Tyler says, bringing me back to the moment as he releases me from his embrace, before taking my hand to tug me from behind my desk.
“What?” I ask, confused.
He reaches down to take my purse from where I have it placed on the couch in my office before he replies with, “We’re going to lunch to celebrate. I’ll tell you all about the new contract before I take you home.” He stops abruptly, before he places his free hand under my jaw so he can look into my eyes as he murmurs, “And when we get home, I’m going to make love to you so thoroughly, you won’t be able to think straight after.”
I feel myself flush in embarrassment.
“Tyler,” I whisper in uneasiness. Sometimes Tyler’s blunt words about our sex life makes me feel...unsettled.
Like I was still holding a piece of me, perhaps my inhibitions, apart from him.
My mind travels, the memory swirling over me, through me, as I think back to that one night.
You had no problems lowering your inhibitions that night, - my mind silently taunts, that deep guilt niggling again in the pit of my stomach.
Ty releases my chin to gently tug on my hand again, pulling me from my office, and effectively pulling me away from my memories.
Ty’s excitement is contagious, and as I walk next to him along the sidewalk to our favorite restaurant in LA, I wrap my hand around his strong upper arm and squeeze, while telling him how proud I am of him.
Because there is a part of me that loves him so very, very much.
After we are settled at our table, we order a bottle of champagne which is quickly produced by our attentive server.
Clinking my glass to Tyler’s, I say excitedly, “Okay, okay. You can’t make me wait any longer. I need to hear all about this new account.”
Smiling excitedly in return, he replies, “The client is an A list rock star who has decided to leave his band to pursue a solo career. It’s going to be a massive announcement for the music world when it happens. I can’t tell you all the details yet because you’ll have to sign a contract of confidentiality. What I can tell you is that his manager hired us to help with the marketing of his solo career. They want Your 15 Minutes’ to assist in portraying this guy, and his decision to leave the band, as an exciting next step rather than focusing on the breaking up of a very successful band. We meet with them tomorrow, during which you’ll have to sign your confidentiality agreement. It will be our job to make sure the PR spotlight on him, once this is announced, remains favorable while also launching and marketing his solo career. This guy has a lot of people backing his solo effort and it’s been stressed to me that he likes to make his own decisions and that he’s an easy guy to work with. We just have to make him happy.”
“Wow! That does sound exciting, Ty. Congratulations!” I reply, feeling pride plus deep happiness for him as I watch his face beam with his own excitement and pride.
“There’s an appointment set up to brain storm tomorrow morning at 11am and I want you to be there. You’re the best marketing person we have on staff and given everything that you’ve learned hands-on in the public relations business, I want you to spearhead this account, Cass. I think you’re the only one qualified to do somethin
g this big. It will not only propel Your 15 Minutes’ into the spotlight, but your name as well.”
Now I feel my own excitement spread through me. A new account along with the chance to market one of today’s up and coming rock stars is a challenge I can’t help but find exciting and look forward to tackling. This could possibly be an even bigger accomplishment than helping to launch one of the world’s biggest clothing chains. Plus, working with a rock star, bringing out their persona, would be far more exciting. The B and C list rock stars that I’ve dealt with in the past had big egos and I’d learned quickly how to navigate around them and now I was looking forward to the challenge of working with an A lister. It was really exciting to me to be able to help someone shape their career image for their solo career launch plus, as Tyler mentioned, it would get my name out there if I did this right.
“Thanks Tyler,” I respond eagerly, beaming back at him. But then I sober as an unwelcome thought crosses my mind. “I hope you’re not giving me this account just because I’m your girlfriend.”
Tyler’s short bark of laughter has me relaxing immediately as he replies, “Not a chance. You’re the head account manager for this account because you are good, not because you’re sleeping with me. You know I’d never entrust any part of my company to anyone that hasn’t proven themselves.”
“Well, then. Let’s cheers again,” I say, as happiness spreads through me.
During the rest of lunch, we talk excitedly about some strategies that we could present during tomorrow’s meeting. As we finish, I look across the table and see Tyler’s eyes change.
Reaching across the table, he takes my hand and squeezing it gently, he softly says, “Why don’t we go home and start the real celebration.”
Smiling while blushing a little, I nod my head.
As soon as we are home, and the door has swung shut behind us, Tyler is pulling me into him for a kiss. Then taking my hand, he leads me down the hall to our bedroom. As he slowly removes my clothes, taking his time as he reveals each inch to place a gentle and reverent kiss on my skin, I allow my eyes to close and force my focus on the feel of his lips.
When I’m completely undressed, he leads me to our bed and I watch as he undresses, his intense gaze trying to penetrate through me. Finally, he joins me in our bed where he slowly makes love to me. As he reaches his climax, I hold him tight and squeeze my eyes shut, pushing away the discontentment that I’d once again not reached a climax.
It’s okay! Stop overthinking everything between you and Tyler, - I silently reassure myself.
But I can’t help the thought that spears through my head, - I only wish to feel that connection again, just one more time. That spark that just came from looking at someone, the one that sent a shiver of heat down your spine so that when he just simply touched you, you became someone else.
Mentally shaking my head, I push my silly romantic wishes away.
That one night was so long ago now, it was just a memory, a memory that I’ve overblown in my mind, - I silently convince myself as Tyler pulls me from the bed to the shower.
The rest of the evening, Tyler and I spend it quietly together, taking a swim before barbecuing poolside.
I really couldn’t ask for more in my life, - I silently reflect, consoling myself as I sit across the table from him during dinner, watching his dark hair reflect in the dim light, his animated handsome face highlighted by the candle he’d thoughtfully lit.
When I wake the next morning, both nervous and excited in taking on my biggest account to date, I take extra care in getting ready for work, ensuring that I look the part of a successful PR rep. Ty’s smile of approval when I emerge from our bedroom gives me the extra confidence that I need to pull this off.
As soon as we arrive at work, we pull story boards together, wanting to have something to present at the meeting, and time quickly speeds by as we work side by side.
At 11am, after having just signed a confidentiality letter for an Austin B. Torres with a stern-faced lawyer, I wait patiently in our conference room with a junior associate, Marty. He seems as nervous and as excited as I am as we wait for Tyler to return from collecting the new client, which had been announced as having arrived over the intercom a few short moments ago. The prompt arrival of this new client bespeaks volumes of him already because it shows he doesn’t take people’s time for granted. I’ve dealt with some B and C list celebrities who seemed to think that everyone was there at their bidding and would show up hours late for a meeting.
Laughing at the joke Marty just made, I stand and turn my head towards the door as I hear Tyler speaking, his voice becoming clearer as he nears the conference room door.
But as Tyler walks into the room, my laughter dies in my throat...
And my world begins to spin.
I feel my temperature rise immediately as I look into the green eyes that have stayed with me since that one night over five years ago.
I struggle to breathe, my breath hurting as my chest expands and contracts...
I grapple with the simple task to remain upright.
His whispered words from that night, feeling as if they are now being whispered into my ear at this very moment, sears through my brain, - I know I don’t know you, but I want you. So bad.
I vaguely hear Tyler’s voice in the back ground as I continue to hold those intense green eyes, greedily drinking in the sight of him.
The heat I’d once felt flickering low in my belly when I’d first met him, flickers hotly again for the first time...
Since him.
My mind, torturing me, flashes quickly back.
Seeing him now, it’s the same reaction – intense, immediate...so sensually and easily pulling me under his spell.
His eyes clearly reflect the same emotions upon seeing me as well after so long but then they fill quickly with anger, just as immediate and as intense as his earlier emotions, and he quickly snaps them away from me.
Dismissing me.
As if I was nothing.
Reeling, not understanding the reason for his anger, but with my heart still racing and aching at the same time, I continue to stare at him helplessly as he reaches his hand out to shake Marty’s.
While my whole world is tilting – spinning...
Struggling desperately to gain some control.
“Cass,” I vaguely hear Tyler say my name.
Drawing my eyes away from Borden, I glance around the boardroom having forgotten for the moment where I was - who I was - as I try to steady my displaced heart.
“Cass,” I hear Tyler murmur again. He has now moved closer to me in silent concern. Still off balance, I finally bring my eyes to him as I stare at him uncomprehendingly.
I see the questions in Tyler’s eyes, but he refrains from asking them as he continues with the introductions, trying covertly to cover my fumble as he says, “This is Cass. She will be doing the majority of the work on your account. Cass, this is Borden.”
Borden reaches out his hand, waiting for me to take it and I stupidly stare at it, at the cross tattoo, remembering immediately – so very vividly - of how his hands felt on my body.
My mind flashes back to when I drove him to my condo...
My thigh, even after all this time, now burns as I remember how his hand felt when he had simply laid it there as I drove.
A throb pulses deep inside of me and a slow burn begins...
Tyler clears his throat, drawing me away from my memories, and I look up and into Borden’s unexplainably livid eyes.
“Nice to meet you,” he pauses for a moment before saying, “Cass.” His mocking tone, the anger, which seems to have grown over the past few seconds, is still very much evident in his eyes and in the way he’s purposely holding himself so aloof from me.
With my head swirling and my heart aching, I reach out to take his hand, trying to play along with Borden’s obvious plan to pretend that we’d never met. But as I place my hand in his, I feel that invisible string that had drawn me to him on
that Halloween night over five years ago.
And I can barely breathe.
With my hand completely enveloped in his, touching his skin again in such a simple way, I can’t stop the yearning that quickly consumes me. Off balance and out of sorts, I abruptly release his hand and my eyes jump nervously around the room as I try to regain my equilibrium. My gaze lands on Tyler’s questioning and concerned face but I abruptly disconnect from him and keep moving my eyes, never wanting anyone to detect just how much his presence has affected me.
I’m also not quite sure how to proceed.
Marty makes another joke, breaking the tension in everyone but Borden and I. As everyone else laughs, Ty gestures for Borden to take a seat across the table from me.
Feeling lost, I glance around to make sure my chair is still there.
I have to force myself to concentrate on sitting so I don’t miss the chair and topple over.
Everything that I’d painstakingly prepared for this presentation has flown from my mind and Tyler has no other choice only to step up and take over the presentation in the heavy silence as Borden and his manager wait for us to start. Several times during the next thirty minutes, Tyler would break here and there, and I would feel his gaze on me for the slightest moment, as he silently tried to prompt me to jump in and take over. After a few quiet moments, he would continue on his own, not allowing the silence to weigh down the atmosphere too deeply.
As for me, I feel as if I’m floating, listlessly, my mind unable to focus on anything other than having Borden sitting across from me. My eyes, repeatedly – greedily and uncontrollably - keep going to him as he sits across from me, my eyes taking in every feature of his face. I can’t help myself as I can’t seem to keep my eyes away from him, sometimes focusing on his hands that are clasped on top of the table, to watching the sinews of the muscles of his neck as he nods or speaks to Tyler. He seems completely unaffected by my presence.
He's still hot, - I silently and unwilling think, and I flush, feeling like a teenage girl obsessing over her rock star fantasy.
Except Borden had been more than a fantasy to me.
Book Two: Inescapable, #2 Page 4
