by R. S. Elliot
"No, you're making perfect sense. I think I understand what's going on here. Mia, listen." Crystal took a deep breath on the other end of the phone, and I knew she was putting on her gentle teaching voice that she used with the children when they hit each other or stole cookies from the cookie jar. Undoubtedly, she was about to give me very good advice that I would not want to follow, in her gentle way that told me I was free to go my own way if I really wanted to cause myself more trouble and heartache.
"You and Aiden shared some really amazing experiences during a very charged time in your life. All of our emotions are heightened when we're teenagers, and it can feel amazing to recapture that for a little while once we're boring adults with jobs and rent payments to make. But that doesn't necessarily mean that it's a good idea to go chasing those feelings, especially when they're for, I don't know, your actual boss?"
"I know, I know..."
"I'm not trying to lecture you, Mia, I just want you to think things through. You're a grown woman. You can do whatever you want with whoever you want. But getting tangled up with an ex is usually not a great thing, doubly not great if they're the person cutting your checks. You and Aiden are grown now; you're super different from the person you were in high school. Maybe it's time to move on."
"Yeah," I said miserably. "Maybe."
As though I hadn't tried that already, as though I hadn't spent years of my life trying to completely move on from Aiden. It wasn't fair. You were supposed to be able to forget about your exes after a while, especially after you moved on to dating other people. Feelings were supposed to fade with time, not grow deeper. What was wrong with me?
Crystal, ever the upbeat friend, tried to put a positive spin on the subject.
"But at least you're still not dealing with that creep, Jack. That makes me happy. I was worried sick about you there for a while with him blowing up your phone and sending you all those long emails."
My stomach twisted unpleasantly. I tried not to think about the photograph of me sitting in Aiden's car, the one I had stuffed into the bottom of my junk drawer in the kitchen. I wanted to burn it, or at least get it out of my house, but I was worried that someday I might need it as evidence to prove something—if only to prove to myself that I had a reason behind all the anxiety I had been feeling.
"Um...about Jack."
"Oh no, baby. Don't tell me you're back with him, I couldn't take that—"
"No, no! God no. I'm never going back to him. He's just—he's still not respecting boundaries."
"That's not good, Mia. Is he still calling and sending you emails?"
"Yes." I debated whether or not to tell her about the photograph, how it appeared his behavior had escalated from being an aggravated nuisance to being a full-blown stalker. But maybe I was overreacting? Maybe there was nothing to be worried about in the way that I was, day and night to the point where I was having trouble falling asleep. "And mail."
"Mail? To the apartment?"
"Yeah. Nothing serious yet, but..."
"Mia, that is serious. This has been serious for a while. Will you please just consider taking out a restraining order against him. I know you're nervous about talking to the police—"
"What if they laugh at me? What if there's really nothing wrong going on, and it's all in my head, and they just think I'm some hysterical little girl?"
"No," Crystal said, her voice growing firmer at the edges. "Now listen to me. You always do this, you discount your own instincts and feelings, and you blame yourself for anything that goes wrong even when someone is walking all over you. Jack was super shitty to you, Mia, and he was always gaslighting you into believing that your emotions weren't valid, or that you were making up how bad he was to you just to make him feel guilty. That's abusive behavior 101, and now he's making you feel unsafe in your own home? This has gone way too far. You have to put your foot down and protect yourself. I'll go with you to the station if you want. Just say the word and I'm there."
"I...." My voice wavered and cracked. The walls around me were beginning to feel tight, and my head was swimming. Whenever I thought about bringing charges against Jack, I felt a little woozy. Somehow, I always felt like I was the one who was going to get in trouble, not him, or that I was doing something immoral by calling him out on his behavior. Rationally, I knew he was acting in a totally unacceptable way, but emotionally, I was too frightened to do anything about it. Hot tears of anger pricked at my eyes. I was so tired of feeling this way, of feeling scared. I wanted my life back. I wanted to trust myself again and to feel safe in my own home. And I wanted Jack to be so far out of my mind that I could barely remember his name.
"I'll think about it," I finished. "I promise."
"Okay," Crystal said with a sigh. "I guess that's the best I can expect. You know I love you. I just want you to be happy and safe."
"And I appreciate that, really. I'm just...figuring out a lot right now."
"Understandable."
"It’s so nice to talk to you, but I’m drowning in note cards right now. I should probably get back to studying."
"Oh, you’re back in school! That’s so great."
"Yeah, it feels good. I’m back in another law program actually; Carrier Solutions is picking up the bill. Hopefully, I’ll finish this time."
"Lucky girl. I believe in you! You have always been one of the smartest people I’ve ever met."
I smiled to myself, tears still threatening to spill out of my eyes and onto my open casebook. I hadn’t felt smart for a long time, and I wasn’t sure if it felt wonderful or awful to hear someone call me that.
"Thanks, Crystal. Take care of yourself, okay? I promise I’ll call soon. We’ll get coffee."
"Sounds good to me. Talk to you soon!"
With the comfort of Crystal’s upbeat voice gone, my room felt a little bit colder and emptier. I knew I needed to get out more, but this whole business with Jack and the stress at work was turning me into a recluse. Crystal was right to pinpoint my problems to the troublesome men in my life, but I didn’t know how to wiggle out of either entanglement. I wanted to find a clear way through, to be able to take my heart out of my chest, re-wire a couple of things to help me make better choices, and then stick it back in and trust it to guide me.
But wishful thinking wasn’t going to get me anywhere, not with my first exam in a long time breathing down my neck. So I hauled my casebook into my lap, propped a pillow behind my aching shoulders, and got back to work. When in doubt, if there was one thing I knew how to do, it was study.
Chapter Fifteen
Aiden
Despite what my smooth-talking legal team had told me, the suit wasn't settled in a matter of days with no further need of my appearance. Sport Tech had a laundry list of complaints against us, each more minute and complex than the last, and my legal team liaison kept showing up in my office at the start of the week to tell me that we would be done with the whole thing in just one more week. A few times, I thought Sport Tech was going to be able to bring a charge against us convincing enough that we could settle out of court, which seemed like a welcome reprieve from all the paperwork and arguments.
It was all a blur without Mia there to guide me, and more than once, I thought about having Bryan call her up from her desk so she could come into my office and translate the legal jargon for me. But the consequences would be too uncomfortable. I couldn't bear the thought of her running out on me again or upsetting her the way I had last time. I didn't call her, no matter how much my fingers itched to do so whenever the lawyers were droning my ear off about my likelihood of being sued for everything I was worth. I never imagined anyone could make something like that sound so boring, but apparently, I hadn't spent enough time around lawyers before.
I was told I had to appear in court one last time at the end of a long Thursday at work, and so I dragged myself to the dimly-lit municipal building without much enthusiasm, fuming in the car the whole ride there. As expected, there was almost nothing for me to do ther
e except get lectured by the judge and twiddle my thumbs while my lawyers spoke for me, and the few minutes I was allowed to say my peace went by uneventfully. But I left the courtroom with the sense that the court was being adjourned with more finality than usual, and my legal team told me that they would be handling everything from here on out. Whether that meant a dismissal of the whole case or settling out of the court for a hefty price tag, I didn't care. I had staff for that. Now, I just wanted to be left alone where no one could find me and ask me questions. I wanted to forget that I even owned Carrier Solutions and there was one surefire cure for that.
Sadly, I had pretty much ruined my ability to ever show my face in Gino's again after snapping and decking the guy harassing Mia. Now, it all seemed pretty silly and futile, though I was still glad I was able to help her get out of an uncomfortable situation.
I was less familiar with the side of the town the courthouse was on than my own usual haunts, but I chose an aluminum-sided diner at random with an inviting, bright blue neon sign. It was a pseudo-vintage place in the same vein as Gino's, boasting the same bloated Americana menu. I loitered by the front register, massaging the headache out of my temples and waiting for someone to notice I was there and seat me, but then I saw her.
At first, I thought I was losing my mind. All those sleepless nights had finally started to rot my brain and short-circuit my eyes. But then I blinked and took another look and realized that I wasn't mistaken. It was really Mia, sitting by herself with her hands wrapped around a cup of coffee, looking miserable and lonely.
This was beyond improbable. Running into each other in one diner was good luck, running into each other twice was a divine sign. All my resolve to leave her alone and keep my distance flew out the window as soon as she glanced up and saw me, her pretty green eyes widening in surprise.
"Welcome to the Colonial," a waitress said as she appeared with a menu to seat me. "How many in your party?"
"I'm actually here with someone," I said, slipping past her without another word.
Mia stared at me as I weaved my way through the tables towards her, and I never broke eye contact with her. My heart was beating faster, and there was an emboldening excitement in my veins that made me lose all interest in preserving professional boundaries. She was here. It was like she had been waiting for me.
"Aiden," she blurted when I slid into the seat across from her.
I swallowed. It had been easier to feel bold when our eyes met across the room, but now I realized that it might have been rude to sit myself down without asking first. I prayed our past history would make a place for me at this table. There was also the matter of the kiss we had shared only a few weeks ago that we had never discussed. I hated to leave things alone to fester.
"Hi," I offered. And then, with as little irony as was possible, I said, "Fancy meeting you here."
Mia always looked beautiful to me, but now she always looked tired, with an ashen pallor to her fair skin and circles under her eyes that made her look five years older. It almost looked like she had been crying, so much that she had dehydrated the skin around her eyes.
"God," she sighed, sagging back against her seat. "We just can't stay out of each other's lives, can we? You didn't...did you follow me here?"
"No, who would do something like that? As weird as it all is, this is actually a total accident. Maybe I shouldn't have come over. I can head to another diner if you want. There are more than enough in this city."
"No, no," she said, again sounding so tired that I was worried she hadn't been sleeping. It was well enough when I did it, but I didn't like to see other people push themselves past their limits. "You're here now. So am I. We may as well sit together. Are you just coming from the office?"
"No, court."
She nodded, chewing on the inside of her lip in that way that told me she was worrying herself sick over something. Knowing Mia, she was probably trying to find a way to blame herself for the lawsuit. I had never met someone who blamed themselves so easily. I felt like it had only gotten worse since we were together. I had hoped she would be able to grow out of it and leave it behind her.
"How's all that going?"
"I think it's over, thank God. I'm done with courtrooms for a while. I don't think anything's going to come of any of the charges. Nothing serious anyway."
I hoped I was right, and I wished I could explain it in a more in depth-way for her, but she seemed to understand the situation and nodded thoughtfully.
"That's good, at least."
"How's law school?"
"Hard but exciting."
"That's good."
She brought her fingers up to tap at her lips, and I saw that she had gnawed them down to little stubs. That habit was new. Had her anxiety been that bad recently?
"Aiden, I appreciate you putting me through school. I really can't tell you how much I appreciate that. But I know I haven't been much help to you during this case, so I would understand if Carrier isn't able to pick up my tuition bill from here on out."
"No, Mia. It's fine. Really. We aren't hurting for that money, and I want to see you stay in school."
"I was supposed to be studying up to help you with your case."
"Things change. Please, don't worry about it. Consider it my gift to you."
Was I taking things too far? Was I in a position to offer gifts to an employee that I had kissed during office hours, or was that just another breach of professional conduct? Thinking about the whole thing was making my head hurt. All I knew was that I wanted Mia to be happy and well taken care of, and I knew that a bachelor's degree was essential to her success in the future. I didn't want to see her back working in some dive where no one respected her and she got felt up on a weekly basis. That was no life, especially not for someone as smart as her.
For a moment, Mia looked like she wanted to argue. She was wrestling with her self-sacrificial instincts, looking for a way out of accepting something good that she didn't feel like she had earned. But then she nodded and gave me a tiny smile.
"Alright. If you're sure about that, I'm happy to keep on studying. And who knows, maybe I'll be useful to you in the future."
Her suggestion was delicate, purposefully casual, but it warmed my heart. If she was open to personally advising me in the future, maybe I hadn't ruined everything when I took her face in my hands and kissed her. Maybe she was open to some kind of future together, strictly professional though it may be. I would have to be satisfied with that for the time being.
I nodded to the cup of cheap coffee she held clutched between her hands.
"Caffeinating for another late night studying?"
She shrugged, eyes skittering around the diner before landing on me and squarely meeting my gaze. I felt like someone had snatched the breath from my lungs.
"Sometimes you just don't want to go home, you know?"
"I know. Do you mind if I keep you company while you kill time?"
"Not at all."
"Can I buy you some dessert to go with that coffee?"
"Oh, you don't have to."
"I want to. You can pay me back by telling me all about how school is treating you. How's that?"
Mia gave me a small, wry smile that made my chest constrict. I wondered if she knew what an effect she had on me or if she just went through her whole life like this, not realizing how electric her eyes could be.
"That sounds fair to me."
Mia kept her end of the bargain perfectly well, going over her coursework, her professors, and her opinions of her classmates in detail while she worked her way through a huge slice of cherry pie with whipped cream. I opted for pecan pie with vanilla ice cream on the side, which always reminded me of childhood summers at my grandmother's house, and I happily lost myself in the sound of Mia's voice. At first, she seemed a little self-conscious, only discussing the parts of her studies that were directly relevant to her role as my sometimes legal adviser, but then she relaxed and started sharing gossip and telling stories
about jokes her professors had told that made her giggle. I loved watching her smile, loved the way she sometimes seemed surprised by her own laughter, and the way it made those emerald eyes sparkle. Slowly, she blossomed like a flower, opening up until she was so unguarded and tender that it was difficult for me not to reach over the table and take her hands in my own. I wanted to run my thumb along the full curve of her lip and feel her smile, feel her breath on my skin.
"I'm sorry," she said, still swallowing the last of her giggles from the story about her professor who nodded off and snored while his students took their tests. "I just keep going on and on. You're probably totally lost."
"A little," I admitted with a smile, taking a sip of my coffee. Our plates had already been cleared away and our waitress was waiting patiently near the front of house, idling while we dawdled and prevented her from closing up shop. "It's a lot of names to learn, but I don't mind. I like hearing you talk. It's what I asked for, isn't it?"
"I guess you're right."
"I'm so happy you're enjoying being back in school, Mia, really. I always imagined you would have the time of your life in college, and there's no one who deserves that opportunity more than you."
She smiled shyly but gave a shrug that pulled her shoulders in towards her body, hiding away from me.
"I still feel bad about screwing it up the first time around, but I'm trying to forgive myself and start fresh."
"You should. The first time wasn't your fault, Mia. You had something taken from you in an awful way, and you had your tuition fee hiked without warning. You did the best you could. You moved out to New York, and you tried to make something of yourself; that's admirable."
"Yeah..." The corners of her mouth tightened a bit, and her eyes hit the table. She couldn't look at me, for some reason. I leaned in closer, lowering my voice.
"Is everything alright?"
She gave me a sad, lopsided smile. "Oh sure, I was just remembering...I don't think I told you, but I actually moved out to New York because..." She sighed heavily, rolling her eyes. "It's so dumb."
