by Meg Meeker
But everywhere your daughter turns, someone will tell her to indulge herself. She’ll hear these voices from the radio, the television, the drug dealer, the bad boyfriend. All have their own answers to the good life. They call her away from what’s real. They tell her no sacrifice is necessary—just take. No discipline is required—just enjoy. Indulge until you’re full—or until you’re empty.
All a father needs to do to see this firsthand is to take a walk around the mall. Look at the faces of the young girls. The expressions on many of their faces will be vacant, bored, lacking commitment, lacking purpose—and trying to find it in shopping or drugs or sex, anything to fill that sense of vacancy.
You don’t want that for your daughter—not now, when she’s six, and certainly not when she’s sixteen. But that could be her future, unless you show her why she is significant, where her real value comes from, and why she needs others. That could be her future unless you teach her the humility that grounds her squarely in truth. Humility readies her for a life that has depth because it involves service and taking on challenges. It provides joy because it teaches her to look outward, not just inward. It gives her the wisdom to understand right from wrong. As her father, you need to give her the rules that keep her from harming herself and others. The rules you give her will direct her view of herself for the rest of her life.
Humility Keeps Her Living in Reality
Every child is born with a natural survival mechanism that causes him or her to be territorial. Mine is one of the cutest but most frustrating words any two-year-old chants repeatedly. As your daughter moves through her toddler years into her elementary school years and on into high school, she will probably go through some periods where she is more selfish, more territorial than others. Of course, some girls are less self-centered, less interested in fighting for personal ground than others. Some girls go into kindergarten terrible at sharing, wanting what other kids have and yanking things from their hands. This behavior will frustrate parents no end, particularly if they are generous people themselves. But when our girls are young, we all expect some selfish behavior because it’s just a part of growing up.
Girls who insist on having their own way, who always want to be the boss on the playground, are tough kids to be around. They can drive other kids away. Selfishness is a bad habit, but training it out of girls (or anyone else) is a tall order. It takes time, discipline, and fighting against a popular culture that promotes selfishness as a virtue. Our daughters are bombarded by advertisements geared toward vanity and “me.” Our daughters watch—and admire—pop stars who are as famous for their self-centeredness as anything else. Our daughters go to school and talk with friends about the newest and latest iPod, purse, or haircut. And they go to bed every night thinking they’re lacking things that will make them happier. And the irony is, the more kids have, the more they want.
By far and away the most destructive lesson popular culture imbeds in our little girls’ minds is that they deserve more. They have a right to things and your responsibility as a parent is to provide those things. That’s what good parents, she thinks, are supposed to do in the twenty-first century.
I recently sat at a soccer game and listened to one father talk about his daughter, who was going off to college in the fall. She had been giving her folks a tough time for the last two years. At sixteen, she started dating a twenty-year-old man who was “between jobs.” Her father said, “That was mistake number one—letting that relationship continue.”
As the year went on, she began running up her cell phone bill as high as $300. Her parents took her cell phone away. She was furious. Then she got into two car accidents and drove her insurance sky-high. Very appropriately, they made her pay for the increased insurance. This father was extremely frustrated because every time she got into trouble, and he and his wife responded to help her, it didn’t seem to change his daughter’s attitude. Now their daughter was angry because they refused to let her take her car to college and were making her pay part of her college tuition. “But I guess the thing that bothers me the most,” said her dad, “is that she believes that it is our duty to give her this stuff and pay for college. She has even said that we owe her college. We are the parents and our duty is to get her through college, pay for the cell phone, and pay for her car because she honestly believes that those are her rights.”
I could feel his frustration. His daughter wasn’t just passing through an adolescent stage. She had a bad attitude that needed to change if it wasn’t going to stick with her forever. She had good parents who now felt they were terrible parents. They questioned everything they did—everything they had done over her eighteen years—and wondered what in the world they did to produce such a selfish young adult. “She’s a really good kid.” Her father shook his head. “She is sweet, she is smart, and she is very affectionate. But sometimes I just hate being with her because she doesn’t appreciate anything we’ve done for her.”
Most eighteen-year-olds don’t appreciate their parents’ sacrifices and hard work. This is normal. What isn’t normal is this girl’s belief that she deserves what she has and that she has the right to continue to have it. Now many parents would look at her and think, “Wow, what a spoiled brat.” I’m sure that’s what her parents think. But in reality, she harbors a very corrosive and pervasive young adult belief that the majority of American kids probably have. The only difference is that she is vocal about it. Her problem: she has no humility.
She fails to consider the needs of others. It is as simple as that. Since she was born, her intuition told her to take what she needed, hold onto it, and get more. Those were the desires that drove her behavior. And everything in her environment fed that drive. Stores fed it by supplying fresh new things. Schools fed it by not holding her to high standards of behavior. And her parents fed it by desperately wanting to be good parents and giving her everything they thought she needed or desired.
Now, there is nothing wrong with giving our daughters every opportunity to discover their talents, to provide them with educational opportunities, and to give them the material things they truly need. We provide these things because we love our daughters. The problem occurs when year after year we focus on their needs and desires and how we can fulfill them, so that this becomes their focus as well. Our daughters become the center of our lives and their own. That intensive self-focus makes a daughter spoiled and miserable.
Humility is tough and it takes a lifetime to learn, so get going. Remember that if you don’t, she will suffer more than anyone else. You need to set, as early in her life as you can, what the priorities for your family are. Do you want the center of the family’s life to be the children? Should it be you, or you and your wife, or God? If you don’t clearly establish your family’s priorities, your daughter and your other children will. They can get very, very vocal.
From what I’ve seen in my office, the evidence is overwhelming: girls who are emotionally solid and intellectually and morally sound are girls with humility, who understand that they have to fit into the family, and that the family doesn’t orbit around them.
What many parents don’t realize is that giving in to a daughter’s selfishness puts enormous pressure on her. When she’s the focus, when she has the power to maneuver family schedules, vacations, or finances, when she has to decide what innumerable possibilities might make her happier, she becomes not only selfish but neurotic. Your daughter really doesn’t want that much power. She’s a kid. You’re the dad. You should decide. You should set the priorities. When you bring realism into her life, you bring her comfort because you bring limits. When you teach her always to think about other people, to put herself in their shoes, to know that everyone—her friends, neighbors, and sister and brother—is important, you’ll give her the gift of friendship and living to the fullest as a caring, social being.
If you teach your daughter to be good rather than simply happy, she will become both. Teaching your daughter humility is a wonderful gift. And it can
be taught only by example.
Chapter Five
Protect Her, Defend Her (and use a shotgun if necessary)
Imagine you’re on a hunting trip with a few buddies. The group heads to the woods and unloads the gear into the cabin. The cabin sits a mile and a half off a two-track road, and an early snow has just blanketed the trees and floor of the forest. You eat chili and have a couple of beers, build a fire, and sit and chat for a while. You decide to turn in so you can catch the deer early as they trek over the fresh snow.
As you tumble into bed, you notice a few magazines on the floor. You’re relaxed, but not enough to fall asleep, so you grab a couple. The first is Outdoor Life. You’ve already seen that issue so you toss it back onto the floor. The next is Playboy, its pages wrinkled from frequent viewing. Your buddy’s in the shower, so you flip through it. First you see titillating photos of gorgeous women with breasts the size of New York. You stop and stare for a moment, then flip the pages again. You’re enjoying the photos, but they’re not a terrific sleep aid. Finally you come upon the centerfold and your curiosity is piqued. You unfold it. Her body is amazing.
Then you see her face. Wham. It’s your daughter’s. You are so stunned that you can’t close the magazine. You want to vomit, but you can’t because you’re shaking with anger, disgust, pain, and overwhelming grief. Your friend is drying himself off from his shower, and before he sees the magazine (which you realize he’s already seen a thousand times), you sneak into the living room and stuff it into the black stove. Make it go away. You want to find every last magazine in the whole country and burn them all. But you can’t.
This is a scenario I never want to happen to any father. But it’s important because it helps you realize that you need clearly defined moral codes regarding sex. When it comes to your daughter, your standards must be clear.
It’s also important because I cannot overemphasize the strong and seductive powers of the culture in which your daughter lives. The most aggressive campaign against your daughter’s emotional and physical health is directed at her sexuality. She relies on your defense against that campaign. And fathers should know that the sexual messages your daughters see and hear today in popular culture are much more pervasive, powerful, and graphic than they were thirty years ago.
As uncomfortable as you may feel thinking about (and talking about) sexual activity regarding your daughter, you have to. She needs to know the moral code you have for her.
Many parents don’t talk to their daughters because they feel guilty. I often hear, “How do I tell my daughter not to have sex in high school when I was sexually active in high school?”
Face it: whatever you did then does not disqualify you from being a good father now. Your daughter is at risk. You need to protect her. And honestly, she doesn’t want to hear about your sex life.
This is tough stuff, but you have to do it. Every day she gets the wrong messages loud and clear. You need to speak louder and clearer. And your voice is the only voice she really wants to hear.
Here is the good news. Your conversations with her don’t need to be detailed descriptions of sexually transmitted infections, or how to use birth control pills, or how many colors condoms come in.
What she wants to know from you is what the rules are. When is it appropriate to have sex and why? That’s it. If that is all you ever impress upon her, it’s good enough. You don’t need to be an expert on anything, particularly when it comes to pills, condoms, or the peculiar sexual activities of teenagers. Just be her dad. Protect her budding sexuality and defend her right to modesty. Reiterate to her that sex isn’t a simple bodily function—it is powerfully linked to her feelings, thoughts, and character. Tell her that a lot of what she hears and sees about sex is simply wrong. Keep it straightforward, loving, and respectable.
Institute a Defense Plan
Parents are the most important influence on their teenagers’ decisions about sex.1 The research telling us this doesn’t specify “only parents who are good, kind, or excellent communicators.” It says parents. Any parent.
But fathers in particular have tremendous impact on daughters. She compares all other boys and men to you. You’re responsible for teaching her what to expect and what sort of behavior to demand from her male friends.
So how do you go about this enormous task? Think very seriously about her as a girl growing into a woman, a sexual being. When she is three years old, think about what you want for her when she is twenty. You must, because even when she’s three you give her messages about her body—whether it’s beautiful or chubby. And all these messages count.
Your daughter needs you to hug her often. If you are gentle, respectful, and loving, that’s what she will expect from boys. And she needs to know—all the time—that you love her.
All girls from eleven years old on feel fat. They feel ugly, pudgy, pimply, and unattractive. Watch how your young teen stands. Most girls slouch if they’re tall. If they’re short, they wear platform shoes. Girls almost inevitably lack confidence in their appearance. So move in and hug her. The effect can be profound.
Few dads realize how important hugging is to their daughters, but I’ve heard countless girls tell me they had sex with a boy (not even a boyfriend) simply for the physical contact, because their fathers never hugged them or showed them affection. Her body starves for you to hug her. The need is especially raw during her teen years. Fathers often assume that their teenage daughters want to be left alone and don’t want to be hugged. This isn’t true—in fact, it couldn’t be more wrong. She needs your touch during these years even more than when she was five. I know that popular culture tells you that teenagers “need their space,” that teenagers are tricky and can leave you unsure what to do, that it might seem safer to opt out and simply do nothing, but that’s all wrong. Your teenager needs you. It’s far more dangerous to opt out of your daughter’s life and do nothing than it is to be a close part of her life, and you know exactly what to do. Just be her dad: be confident, defend her and be supportive, and don’t back away from hugging her.
Let her know that you see her. Let her know she’s beautiful. Let her know that modesty is just another form of respect—for herself, for you, and for what she expects from boys—and that she shouldn’t follow fashion trends and flaunt her sexuality just because other kids do.
It can be an uphill fight. Television commercials about ecstasy-inducing shampoo might not seem like a big deal to you, but you need to remember that your seven-year-old daughter is learning that being “sexy” is very important. The messages stream at her fast and furious. As her awareness grows, so does the power of these messages to destroy her innocent sexuality. By the time she’s a teenager, you’ll be tempted, like most parents, to just throw up your hands and turn your head.
But you can’t. Your daughter deserves better than a life of promiscuity, or a life of modeling in pornographic magazines, which is exactly the sort of life the media are preparing your girl for. You have to intervene.
You might find it hard to believe that this devastating process is affecting the cute little girl who bounds out of her chair to hug you when you come home from work, or your third grader who is a rising concert pianist, or in your high school junior who has a chance for a scholarship to Yale. You cannot see it, but it is there.
The clothing industry acts as though innocence ends at age seven. Well before she reaches her teens, your daughter will be seeing PG-13 and R-rated movies—if not at your home, then at a friend’s house. When she is nine or ten, she will hear about oral sex, and learn how HIV and other STDs spread. Her friends will show her teen magazines. She’ll see Cosmo and Victoria’s Secret catalogs, full of women posing seductively in sheer bras, thongs, and stockings with garters. When she is eleven or twelve, sex education pops up at school and she’ll hear the words condom, sexual abuse, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, and masturbation. But most significant will be the time she spends with television, music, and the Internet. It will soar, and so will
her exposure to sexual material.
“So what’s the big deal?” you ask. Most parents desperately want to believe that these influences won’t harm their children. As a pediatrician, I can tell you that they’re wrong.
Teenage girls tell me routinely that they think they have to have sex to be accepted, cool, desirable, and sophisticated. They don’t believe this because they’re teenagers—they believe it because they’ve been told it, with nauseating repetition, from magazines, movies, music, and television from the time they were little.
I see this all the time in young girls. When they first try sex—not necessarily intercourse—they are curious and usually very disappointed. The disappointment makes them feel that something is wrong with them, because everyone else says it’s great. So they try it again and again. In very short order they become emotionally dulled. Their instincts tell them that intimacy with another person has occurred, but their mind senses that no love was exchanged, no commitment was made, no emotional depth was involved. They become confused about love because sex came before love.
Sex separated from love creates a deep emptiness and a confusion about how to love. Repeated sexual acts—as mechanical acts—make love and sex no longer fit together. As a result, sexual satisfaction becomes impossible, and girls become jaded.
The good news is that when you teach your daughter that sex is intricately connected to every aspect of her being, she will believe you, because it intuitively makes sense to her. When you teach her that modesty is an important way to protect and honor her integrity, she’ll understand that too, because kids have an innate sense of modesty. You have to be your daughter’s protector and fight a culture that lies to her about sex and denies her right to modesty.
You can avoid daily fights over clothes, fashion magazines, music, or television by coming up with some ground rules. If the culture wants her to grow up too fast, slow it down. When it comes to clothes, let her pick them out within your guidelines. If you need some ground rules, adopt the sensible ones of my daughter’s high school: high-necked blouses and below-the-knee skirts. Tell her that the point of your guidelines is not for her to be ashamed of her body, but to be respectful of it.
