by Meg Meeker
The woman’s words were startling. “God didn’t make the camp or kill the Jews. The mistake He made was giving men free will and the brains to figure out how to torture people. I knew that He hated Auschwitz more than I did. Many of us had faith. We needed hope. Whether we made it out alive or not, we needed to know that somehow, some way, life would be better. Would it be in heaven? We didn’t know what we thought. But God gave me hope and that kept me alive. I couldn’t afford wasting energy on hating Him.”
Hope kept my friend alive in the concentration camp.
None of us are likely to endure what she did, but all of us will experience pain and loneliness. When that happens to your daughter, she will need faith and hope. Indeed, we know that teens need faith and hope. Suicide is the fourth-highest cause of death among teens.31 And here’s a sobering adjunct: for every adolescent who succeeds in committing suicide, fifty to a hundred others have attempted it.32 One excellent study revealed that a staggering 33 percent of middle and high school students have thought of killing themselves.33 The American Psychology Association estimates, based on a variety of studies, that the incidence of clinical depression among teenagers ranges anywhere from between nearly one in ten to nearly one in three (9 percent to 30 percent). All kids who suffer from depression need hope. Terminally ill kids need hope as well. We physicians can often tell the moment a terminally ill patient gives up hope. Death comes very quickly afterward.
One more thing about hope. Girls make a lot of mistakes as they grow up, as we all do. Part of your job as her father is to teach her how to fail well. When she makes a mistake, what then should she do? Should she wallow in self-pity, deny the mistake, or cover it up? None of these are healthy. She needs to be able to recognize a mistake for what it was. If it was a small mistake, help her see it as small. If it was a big one, well, she’ll have to face that too.
In order to grow stronger from her mistakes and move forward in an emotionally healthy manner, three things must take place. First, she’s got to admit the mistake. Some kids do this a lot better than others. Young kids have a hard time because much of their fantasy lives blends with reality. Be patient if your daughter has difficulty admitting mistakes, but keep at her because it’s a skill she needs to develop.
Second, she must say she’s sorry—to you, to whomever she hurt, even to herself. This last gesture is extremely important for teen girls who are sensitive. One of my patients was depressed for eighteen months because she couldn’t forgive herself for a big mistake.
Third, she needs to begin her life again, to move forward with a fresh start. Repeatedly I have seen girls, patients of mine, who want to say they’re sorry and move forward, but they haven’t a clue how to do this; they don’t know how to start over. This is what God can offer her: forgiveness, a way to wipe away the past and go back to the starting line. We rarely use the word mercy, but it is a beautiful word. We all know what it means. It is forgiveness and grace when we are down and out. Milton describes God’s mercy in Paradise Lost: “Through Heav’n and Earth, so shall my glorie excel, But Mercy first and last shall brightest shine.” Forgiveness, mercy, and a fresh start are things every one of us deserves. So, please, give them to your daughter. These will give her hope for her future. If you have a better way to give your daughter hope, go for it. But I don’t know any other way. And I have yet to come across anyone who does.
Why You
You are not only the first man in your daughter’s life, you are the first authority figure in her life, and your character is invisibly overlaid onto your daughter’s image of God. If you are trustworthy, loving, and kind, your daughter will approach God much more easily. He will not be frightening to her. She can understand that He is good, because she knows what goodness in a man looks like.
Research on the influence of a father’s personality on his daughter’s perception of God confirms this. In one study, researchers found a correlation between children’s images of God and those of their father.34 And girls tend to see more similarities between God and their parents than do boys.35 A study headed by Hope College professor Jane Dickie found that fathers strongly influenced their daughter’s perception of God as nurturing.36
In other words, to be a good father is to be a good instructor about God.
Heather had a keen interest in knowing God. When I saw her right before she left for college, I asked her how she felt about leaving home.
“Oh, I’m kind of excited but also really sad,” she said.
I sensed she wanted to say more, so I asked what she was looking forward to, and what she thought she would miss.
“I’m really excited to live on my own and to live in the city. Also, I think that taking courses that I’ve never had before will be fun. I’m planning on majoring in Spanish and maybe minoring in political science. See, I want to learn Spanish well enough to go work in an orphanage in another country. You know, some place where kids really need help.”
I knew that this poised and confident young woman would do just that. “So how did you get interested in working in an orphanage?” I asked. “Did your folks take you to one? Have you traveled a lot?”
“Oh no, we never traveled much. We didn’t have the money. Besides, my dad always worked so much, he never really wanted to take many vacations. He was kind of boring, I guess.”
“Then why Spanish and why an orphanage?”
“Now, Dr. Meeker, I know you’re gonna think this is kind of crazy and it might not make sense to you, but, well, you see, every morning, my dad and I were the first ones up in our house. I got up after him. Anyway, when I would come downstairs, I always saw him sitting in his chair all alone in the living room. He would be praying. I knew because he had his eyes closed. Or sometimes he would be reading the Bible or a book about the Bible. I knew never to interrupt him.
“My dad has a really strong faith. That’s why he got up so early every morning to pray and read the Bible. My dad’s a happy man, but he’s not one of these guys who talks to everybody. Sometimes he would talk to us about God, but mostly he liked to just live what he learned from his Bible reading in the morning. Anyway, every day I went off to school, I felt so good knowing that my dad had gone to his chair and, I’m sure, prayed for me that day. I can’t tell you how good that felt. Somehow, I know that helping poor people, particularly poor kids, would make him really happy. I mean, he wants me to do what I want to, but I really want to be like him. He would do this. And, you know, Dr. Meeker, I want to know what my dad knows about God. I think that working in an orphanage might be a good way to do that. Now I know you think I’m crazy.”
“No, Heather, actually I completely get it,” I said. Heather didn’t tell me that her dad took her to church a lot (although I knew that they did attend a local Methodist church regularly) or that he made her go to Bible study or a youth group. She watched him sit in his chair. That was it. That was all she needed to see to be changed. And he did change her life. He was real and so was his faith. He was quiet, humble, and pursued God. That was all it took to stir something in Heather to want to do the same. Can you begin to see the power you fathers have in your daughters’ lives? I’ll bet Heather’s dad doesn’t have a clue how great an impact he’s had on her life and faith.
Also, notice that Heather was excited to do something for God because she wasn’t afraid of Him. Her dad was genuine and gentle and so, too, she thought, was God. When a daughter has a good relationship with her dad, she very easily and naturally bonds with God. If, on the other hand, you berate her, make sarcastic comments, or are outright cruel to her, she will steer away from God. I have seen over and over again in my practice that girls with good fathers pick good husbands, and girls with good fathers put their trust and faith in God.
What to Do
Whether you believe or disbelieve in God, your daughter will turn to you for answers; and if you believe, she will want to know what He is like. Girls say that their parents are the primary influence over their faith. So get ready.
Before anything else, you have to ask yourself, “What do I believe about God?” Get off the fence. Be courageous and take a stand. If you are unsure, go find out. Read the Bible. Read books directly related to your quest, whether they are popular works like those of C. S. Lewis, straightforward books like Lee Strobel’s The Case for Faith, or classics like The Imitation of Christ by Thomas à Kempis, the Pensées of Blaise Pascal, and the novels of Fyodor Dostoevsky. Nothing stretches the limits of human intellect like faith; no other subject has prompted deeper thought than faith in God. So start down the path where the greatest human minds have gone—in a search for God. Start where you are comfortable. Find a good church around you, or take your daughter to temple. Give her something to sink her teeth into and engage her mind. She is hungry for understanding and for knowledge and if you don’t give it to her, I guarantee you that she will find some spiritual information somewhere.
Interestingly enough, kids want religion, but they don’t want people to proselytize them.37 I understand this. I am a New Englander. We leave people alone and keep our business our own. Also, many of the most vocal proselytizers have left a bad taste in our mouths. There is hypocrisy and a sense of manipulation, of something contrived rather than true, and kids rightly reject it.
But your kids trust you and want to hear from you. They know you don’t have a secret agenda. They know you to be honest. They know you have their best interests at heart. You have more authority in your daughter’s eyes than any pastor, priest, or rabbi. You have an extra load on your shoulders. This is a good thing.
You should know too that kids respect tradition, but without it, and without your guidance, will fall for fads. For example, the new trend for young people is to believe in something called “Moralistic Therapeutic Deism.” The idea is that God exists but that He really isn’t involved in anyone’s lives; the goal of life is to be happy and feel good about ourselves; and when people die, they all go to heaven.38
Kids opt for this “religion lite” because they haven’t been given a strong dose of traditional religion from their parents. Kids can’t really choose if we withhold religious information from them. It only leaves them ignorant of their Judeo-Christian heritage, which has inspired some of the finest art, music, literature, and philosophy in the world. This is very sad, because across America, our kids are telling us that not only do they want us to teach them about Judaism and Christianity, they want it couched in traditional theology. Research shows that teens like conventional religious traditions and communities.39 This makes sense. Kids prefer the familiar, and, like most people, they respect and enjoy what has stood the test of time. Traditional religious practice and communities give kids a sense of security and continuity.
They won’t get this instruction from the public schools. They won’t get it from the mainstream media. And many parents—and even churches—have left kids to fend for themselves. Don’t abandon your daughter like this. She wants to know who God is. She wants to know what He is like. And she wants to learn it from you.
St. Augustine said that there is a void in every man’s heart that only God can fill. My experience with girls confirms this. Many who aren’t given help in understanding God feel restless.
To help your daughter find God, you need to act. I didn’t learn about medicine—and you didn’t learn about your career—solely through books. I interned in a hospital. I talked to doctors and nurses and patients. When you look for God, go to church or temple. Talk to friends, pastors, rabbis. Get the information you need and make your decision. It might be a decision-in-progress, it might be subject to change, it might take you years to figure out. But get started now, because you need to have answers for your daughter. It is the most important decision you will ever make.
I know these are deeply personal issues that many men would rather avoid, but deep issues shape lives, and they will shape the life of your daughter.
Some grapple with the issue and decide that God really doesn’t exist. If you choose atheism, be prepared to defend it to your daughter. She will press you for answers, because most of her friends will believe in God, and she’ll want to know why you think differently.
If you believe God exists, don’t stop there. Ask yourself: what difference does it make if I do believe in God? When kids were asked whether they felt close to God, the majority of regular churchgoers said yes. Your daughter will want that feeling of relationship with God and will be influenced by how you see your own relationship with Him—if it inspires you to serve others, if it leads you to weekly church or temple attendance, if it encourages you to pray and read the Bible daily, if it grants you a sense of peace and hope, if it gives you strength to deal with calamity. The beauty of fatherhood is that each of you teaches loved ones in your own way, according to your personality.
Betsy’s father taught her a profound message about God and faith as he was dying. Her father had a rare form of lung disease and he was suffocating. During his life he had been a jovial, hardworking man who took great pride in his work and in providing for Betsy and her siblings. Nearing death, he turned to her and through the whistling of oxygen into his nose he said, “Honey, don’t worry about me. I love my Lord and I know He loves me. That’s all you ever really need to know. So, I’m fine to go, I’m ready to see Him.” Betsy’s father gave her peace and a gift to help her overcome her worry and grief.
Be honest, but be willing to move ahead. Don’t settle for simply believing that God exists. Your daughter wants more, so give her more. Find out about God. Make it an intellectual journey. Make it a goal to reflect your faith in your behavior: to be more patient, kind, self-controlled, and loving. And remember what science says that faith does for her: highly religious teens do much better in life than less religious teens.40
Whether you realize it and want to or not, you will teach your daughter about God and faith. You already are. She will look to you for answers and as a model of faith. Again, research clearly shows that parents are the single most importance influences over daughters’ lives when it comes to spiritual and religious issues.41 And as much as you might shy away from these issues, wouldn’t you, as a father, rather have your daughter come to you—and admire your beliefs and how you mirror them—than go to a boyfriend, a neighbor, or some other authority figure? You probably would, and so would your daughter. Don’t make it more complicated than it needs to be. If you’re not a Bible scholar, pastor, or rabbi, find one and have him or her help you teach your daughter. When you learn to pray, she will. When you change, she will. And when you love God for real, so, too will she. Nothing will bring you closer than this.
Chapter Nine
Teach Her to Fight
My husband is a bona fide eccentric. He hates to travel and loves to spend hours banging around in our woods. When he was a college student at Dartmouth, he made an igloo to sleep in on the weekends (winter only, of course). He competes in any kind of marathon that he can find: biking, cross-country skiing, running, even canoeing. He has finished a few ultra-marathons. He sews exquisitely and has made wool plaid coats for our daughters to keep them warm while they study trees with him. Usually he sleeps about five or six hours a night and often reads Dostoevsky well into the early morning. He doesn’t believe in watering our lawn, so every summer our prickly brown grass embarrasses me when friends come over. He drives to work in a beat-up teal pickup with a bumper sticker that says BARF (a type of laundry detergent used in Armenia). And on more than one occasion, he has had patients offer to buy him new shoes.
We share our medical practice, and friends often ask how we manage to be both business partners and marital partners. I find this question perplexing. Surely sharing patients is easier than sharing children. We can disagree about treatments for asthma or pneumonia without any sparks flying. It’s a simple difference of professional opinion. But whether we should spank our children? Now there you will find fireworks. Working professionally side by side is really quite easy. His domain is clearly marked, as is m
ine. But when we come together to sort out what should be done with our children, the issues become muddy. It’s not as though our son is his patient and our daughters are mine, or vice versa. They are our children—we both have strongly held opinions about how they should be raised, and our desires, beliefs, and emotions are wrapped up in the positions we take. We are both hardheaded and stubborn, and with a joint practice, four kids, and three college tuitions still to pay, you can imagine some of our conversations—especially when I add that my husband and I think about and discuss our child-rearing research and opinions ad nauseum.
After we were married I quickly decided that some of my husband’s habits needed changing. For one, he exercised too much. For another, he spent hours at home catching up on work. In both cases, he left me feeling lonely. So I developed a plan.
For the first ten years of our marriage, I studied him (I’m a scientist, after all) and identified what I thought he needed to change. I compiled a hefty unwritten list. Then, over the second ten years of our marriage, I worked to help him make those changes one by one. His “need” to exercise all the time? Nope, I don’t think so, not with four kids and a busy household. His workaholic bent? Not in this house. If he had time to listen patiently to all his patients (many of whom were my girlfriends) during office hours, then he certainly had time when he was home to put the phone down, turn off the computer, leave the medical books on the shelves, and talk to me.
I won some battles and I lost some. Finally, for the third decade of our marriage, I’ve thrown in the towel and decided to leave the man alone. And now I feel embarrassed about all the pushing and prodding I did because it all seems so selfish. I repeated phrases that you’ve probably heard countless times yourself, like “I need you with me more”; “I need more help with the kids”; “I want you to communicate better with me.” Most women have these thoughts, and they grind away inside us. We want our lives to be easier, and we think “If only he would do this, then my life would be so much better. If only I could get him to understand this, my life would be so much richer.”
