Phil squeezed his forehead. “There’s no excuse, no way to justify what I did. And I have to live with that knowledge, that I hurt your mother and you kids. It kills me that I’ve disappointed you. But I will tell you this. For the rest of my life I’m going to try to make it up to your mother. That’s all I can do—atone for my sins.”
***
Lina was in the living room in the front of the house, sorting through the Christmas boxes with Logan, when Phil came down the stairs. As soon as she saw the stern expression on his face, she knew something was wrong.
“What happened?”
“She’s just upset. You should talk to her.”
“Hey, Dad? Look.” Logan held up a five-foot grinch. “It’s to put in the front yard next to one of the trees. Mom bought this last year. We haven’t used it yet.”
“That’s great, buddy,” Phil said, barely glancing at Logan. “I need to exercise. Then I can help you.”
“Phil—wait.” Lina followed him to the door leading down to the basement. “What did she say?”
“Nothing I didn’t deserve. Don’t worry about me. Worry about her.”
“Honey, are you okay?” Lina asked moments later, stepping into Megan’s room.
“No,” Megan whispered before collapsing in Lina’s arms.
“Oh, sweetie.” Lina led her to her bed, her heart aching for Megan, who had always been a daddy’s girl. Almost from the day Lina stopped nursing her, Megan had preferred Phil. If he was home, he was the parent Megan sought out to fix a booboo, read her a bedtime story, or make her feel safe after a bad dream. Lina used to worry she was somehow deficient in the nurturing department until Katie came along. Katie loved Phil, but like most young children, she preferred her mother. Over the years Lina came to accept that Megan just shared a special bond with Phil.
Now with that same daughter crying in her arms, Lina wasn’t sure what to do, so she settled on what felt the most natural, stroking her hand up and down Megan’s back and assuring her that everything was going to be okay.
“I’m sorry,” Megan whispered after several minutes.
“I’m your mother. You don’t have to apologize for being emotional.”
“No. I don’t mean about that. I mean about not being there for you, not understanding what you were feeling.”
She was talking about her reaction to Phil’s affair more than a year ago. “No.” Lina shook her head. “Megan, no. You’re just a girl. It isn’t your job to comfort me. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She pulled her in for a hug, squeezing her tightly. “You’re not supposed to know how to handle a situation like this. I hate that you have to even think about it.”
“I just didn’t understand until I saw her,” Megan whispered. “How could he have done that to you?”
“It was wrong. There’s nothing that can justify it. But I know how sorry he is, how much he loves all of us.”
“I wouldn’t have talked to her if I had known who she was. I hate that I was nice to her.”
Lina framed her face with her hands. “It wasn’t your fault. You had no way of knowing who she was.”
Lina felt like an actress, playing the part of a happy mother as she finished going through the boxes with Logan, unable to shake the sadness that enveloped her after her words with Megan. Megan seemed to have recovered, announcing that she was meeting friends for lunch and even giving her father a hug when he came downstairs after his shower. It was as if Megan’s sadness had been a cloak that she’d passed to Lina.
“Are you okay, Mom?”
Lina spun around, her hand touching her chest. “Logan. I didn’t hear you come in. Are you already done putting up the lights?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I came in to get a heavier coat. Are you okay?”
“Yes.” She forced a smile. “Just a little tired. Someone made me stay up and watch Christmas Vacation last night,” she teased.
“Katie just told me that woman was there—at yoga. Liam’s mom.”
“She was.” She turned back to the bowl of cookie dough she was mixing.
“Do you need a hug?”
The unexpected question brought tears to her eyes. She blinked them away, forcing a smile to her face as she turned from her task and let her fifteen-year-old son wrap her in his arms, offering her a dose of much-needed comfort. “I could never turn down a hug from you,” she whispered.
“I lost it when I went over there today. It was in front of Liam. He was pretty shaken up,” Phil told Lina later that evening as they sat alone in the family room discussing what had occurred with Kim.
Lina’s stomach sank, imagining how scary an enraged Phil would be to a baby. She couldn’t remember him ever yelling around their children when they were young. “Was he okay?”
“Eventually. She never went to him. She just left him for her sister to deal with. He was calling out for her. I can’t get that fucking vision of him out of my head, his face distraught and his little hands reaching out to her. And she just left.” He shook his head. “What in the fuck did I do, Lina? That’s his mother. She didn’t even seem to care.”
“She was upset,” she said, more to soothe Phil’s obvious distress than to defend Kim. “It may not have even registered in her mind.”
“It would have registered in your mind. It registered in mine.” He leaned his head back, pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I can’t do that to him again. I don’t want to scar him.”
“You won’t.” She rubbed his arm. “One time isn’t going to scar him. He’ll be okay.” Her thoughts turned to Kim, wondering what kind of person wouldn’t immediately comfort their child.
Chapter Twenty-five
Over the next few weeks, Phil saw nothing of Kim. The nanny was there to handle both his pickups and drop offs. Kim seemed to finally understand that he had no interest in any type of relationship with her. The result seemed to be that she was spending less time with Liam. The nanny had billed him over seventy hours each of the past two weeks.
He was also no longer receiving daily pictures or occasional updates about Liam. Now with no contact between visits, Phil found himself missing Liam more. He’d decided after the holidays he was going to speak to Lina about bringing Liam to the house two nights a week instead of the current one-night schedule. He needed more time with him.
When he arrived to pick him up for his usual Wednesday night visit, he was surprised when Kim answered his knock. He’d sent both her and the babysitter a text, as was his habit, giving her a ten-minute warning of his impending arrival. The nanny normally had him at the door and ready.
“Come on in,” she said, stepping back.
“Where is he?”
“In the family room.”
He brushed past her and into the foyer. “You knew what time I was coming. You should have had him ready.”
“I’m Liam’s mother, Phil,” Kim said, practically running to keep up with him as his long strides took him in the direction of the family room at the back of the house. “You can at least be civil to me.”
“Maybe if you started acting like his mother and didn’t leave him with a fucking babysitter eighty hours a week, I’d treat you civilly. Hey, buddy.” He smiled as soon as he saw Liam who was lying on his back in the middle of the playpen, twirling a plastic pony in his hands.
Liam immediately lost interest in the toy when he saw his father, grabbing the side of the playpen as he scampered to his feet. “Dadda!”
Phil could smell the dirty diaper even before he lifted Liam from the playpen. He held him out to Kim. “Christ,” he said under his breath. “Just hurry. I only have two hours. I don’t want to spend it here.”
“Why are you so stuck on time? I’m not. Keep him for three if you’d like.” She laid out a changing pad on the floor and took Liam.
“Dadda!” Liam protested, holding his arms out to Phil.
“Daddy isn’t leaving. I just need to change your diaper.�
� Kim said. “There’s a cute video I took of him yesterday if you want to watch it. It’s on my phone, right there.” She nodded toward her phone on the coffee table.
“I’m good.” He shoved his hands into his coat pockets.
“It’s just a video, Phil.”
“Just change his fucking diaper so I can get out of here,” he bit out.
Her whole body tensed up. “I don’t know why you have to be so hostile.”
“I told you I was picking him up at six ten. It’s now six fifteen and you seem in no hurry to get him ready. I’m not here to interact with you.”
She changed the diaper, put Liam in his winter coat, and silently handed him to Phil.
***
The venue for the holiday party was the ballroom at the Four Seasons in Baltimore. Phil wanted to make a day of it, getting down there early to stroll through shops and walk around the Inner Harbor. At first Lina resisted, not wanting to leave Megan, who had arrived home from college the evening before, but Phil was insistent, pointing out how seldom they had the opportunity to be alone.
When they arrived in their suite they were greeted by champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries. “Are you sure you want to leave the hotel?” Lina asked. She loved the Inner Harbor, but she couldn’t imagine leaving the luxurious room to walk around outside on a cold December day.
“No.” He was behind her, wrapping his arms around her. “Let’s order room service.”
Lina’s entire body hummed with the aftermath of sex. They’d spent the entire afternoon in bed or in the large bathtub in their suite. It wasn’t until she was dressed and applying the final touches to her makeup that nerves began to flutter around her stomach. She and Phil may have been back together for eight months, but it was the first time they were making an appearance in front of his entire firm since they’d reconciled. There was no doubt in her mind that every associate at the firm knew Phil had fathered a child with Kim.
“Okay?” Phil raised an eyebrow after coming out of the bathroom to find her making herself a drink at the minibar.
“I’m just thirsty.” She lifted the gin and tonic to her lips and took several long swallows. “Very thirsty,” she added before downing the rest of the drink.
“What’s going on?”
“Nerves. I don’t like the thought of people talking about us.”
His eyes registered understanding. “We’re old news. Josh Keating left his wife for the nanny. He’s bringing her tonight.”
“No!” Lina gasped. “He left Helen?” Josh Keating had been at the firm almost as long as Phil, and they’d attended his and Helen’s wedding a decade earlier.
“He did.”
“And he’s bringing the nanny? That’s awful.”
“And that’s what everyone’s talking about.” He took the empty glass from her hand, setting it on the minibar. “Ready?”
“Did you hear about Josh and Helen?” Diane snagged Lina almost as soon as they arrived. “He actually brought the other woman with him tonight. Wayne told me on the way over. It’s been less than a month.”
“I just heard,” Lina said. “Poor Helen.” As soon as the words left her mouth her thoughts shifted inward, knowing a year ago everyone was feeling the same pity toward her. She hated the thought. “Where’s Wayne?”
“Oh, who knows? Probably talking the ear off of some terribly important client.” She paused to take a crab ball appetizer from a passing waiter. “I shouldn’t eat this. I promised myself I’d be good tonight.”
“Why would you choose tonight to be good? Wait until after the New Year.”
“Easy for you to say. I’d be eating more than one of these if I had your slim figure. You look fabulous, by the way. When you and Phil walked in every head turned in your direction.”
“That’s probably because they were feeling sorry for me.” Lina finished the champagne in her glass. “I’m last year’s Helen.”
“Nonsense. You’re too beautiful to be pitied. You could have any man you want. Let’s find you another glass of champagne.”
***
Phil looked up from his newspaper at the sound of Lina stirring in the hotel bed. It was almost noon. She was going to have a nasty hangover. She couldn’t mix alcohols, especially when champagne was involved, and she’d done exactly that the night before. The last time was a New Year’s Eve when the kids were all young. She’d been in bed for two days, severely hungover, swearing she’d never drink again.
“What is that noise?” She groaned.
“I don’t hear a noise.”
“It’s your newspaper. Why can’t you read on your cell phone?”
He folded the paper and set it on the table next to the remnants of the breakfast he’d ordered from room service three hours earlier. “There are two aspirin and a glass of water on the nightstand.”
“Shh…Why are you yelling?”
“I didn’t realize I was.” He came to his feet. “Would you like some coffee?”
“No. Would you mind whispering? I don’t think you know how to talk in a low voice.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re not whispering. Please tell me I didn’t embarrass us last night.”
“You didn’t embarrass us,” he whispered.
“What?”
He crossed to the bed. The mattress shifted as he sat down beside her. “You didn’t embarrass us,” he whispered.
“I didn’t?”
“No.” He gently pushed her hair back from her face. She looked pale, nothing like the woman who’d danced until the wee hours of the morning. “You were the life of the party.”
“I feel terrible. I’m never drinking again.”
“Take the aspirin. They’ll make you feel better. I arranged for late checkout, so there’s no rush.” He’d stopped whispering, but she didn’t seem to notice.
“Did we leave the hotel last night?”
“We did. When the party ended at midnight, you joined several of the associates who knew all the hot nightspots. Luckily, you let me tag along.”
“Oh God. We went barhopping with your associates?”
“Is that a question, or are you starting to remember?”
“I’m remembering. I’m sorry.” She’d gone from irritable to remorseful.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You’re allowed to have fun.”
“But your clients were there, and I know you see these things more as business events. I was a liability last night.”
“No. You were happy. And you didn’t really get started until after we left the hotel.”
“Did I get on a stage at some point?”
“You did.” He smiled at the memory of her joining the band at one of the bars.
She rolled away from him, groaning aloud. “I acted like Adele.”
“No, it was all you. It reminded me of that time you got up onstage at Rehoboth Beach, remember?” They’d been watching a concert as part of a Fourth of July celebration and she’d decided to join in, managing to skirt security and climb on the stage in her black bikini. He remembered thinking he was the luckiest guy in the world as he watched her dancing with the band.
“I was a sixteen-year-old girl, not a forty-two-year-old mother of three. And in front of your associates—it’s so embarrassing. I can’t imagine what they’re thinking today.”
“They’re thinking I have a smoking-hot wife. That’s what they’re thinking.” He stretched out on the bed beside her, curling his body to the back of hers. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You were letting off steam. You were incredible.” He brushed his lips over the back of her shoulder. “I couldn’t wait to get you back here.”
“I don’t remember¬—”
“We didn’t. You fell asleep on me.”
“What are you doing?” she asked when he began to push himself against her butt.
Phil smiled against her shoulder. “I’ll do all the work.”
/> “No!” She scooted across the bed to get away from him. “I feel like I might throw up and you’re talking about having sex with me.”
“Come back here. I’m teasing you.” He again situated himself behind her.
“It’s not funny.”
“I’m sorry.”
***
Lina felt like the worst mother and daughter-in-law on the face of the earth. Instead of spending time with her daughter who had just arrived home from college or her in-laws, who were visiting for the first time in a year, she’d been in bed recovering from the worst hangover of her life. What made matters worse was that she’d let everyone believe she was suffering from the stomach flu, which resulted in her mother-in-law fussing over her and lavishing her with attention she didn’t want or deserve.
“Here’s a fresh cup of ice chips,” Susan Hunter said as she came into the master suite for the third time that afternoon. “I’ve also brought some Gatorade. I know you said you didn’t want any, but it’s important to stay hydrated. You’ll feel better if you just take a little sip every five minutes or so. I found some crackers in the pantry. I used to give the boys saltines, but all you had was this whole wheat brand. It may be a little harder on your stomach—”
“Mom? What are you doing in here?” Phil asked, coming through the doorway.
“I was bringing her a few things.”
“What she needs is sleep.”
“It’s important she stay hydrated. A lot of people end up in the emergency room with the stomach flu because of dehydration. You look very pale. Have you taken your temperature?”
“No, because I’m actually feeling better,” Lina lied.
“I’ve scrubbed down all the bathrooms and the kitchen with Clorox. These flus are quite contagious. It would be awful for the children to come down with it on Christmas.”
“I wish you had let Phil do that,” Lina said, looking pointedly at him.
“I didn’t mind. It’s not like anything is dirty. Your house is always so—”
Swimming Naked Page 21
