by V. K. Ludwig
“That was long ago,” she said. “It’s mostly community homes now. The council decided against big agriculture, and they shot down most farms. Instead, we have thousands of community gardens now.”
“And we supply the dried and ground up crawlers.”
“Yeah… then there’s that. I won’t ever forgive what you did that day. I’m not sure what to do once I go back home, now that I know where that protein powder for my shakes and salads comes from.” She gave a quick but hearty punch in my chest before she continued to stroke her fingers up and down.
Home. The way she said it made my stomach clench. How can I convince her to stay? Would she agree to marry me if she carried my child?
“And what happened when you were fourteen?” I asked.
The stroking movements of her hand stopped, and all blood drew from her cold and motionless fingers. She hesitated, then she cleared her throat.
“My mom committed suicide. My dad took off. There wasn’t really another option left for me after that, other than moving into a community home.”
What? I peeked down at her face. Her eyes reflected the moonlight like a room covered in a thousand mirrors. I wanted to know why. Not out of curiosity, but because I somehow hoped I might mend whatever scar the past had left on her soul.
“He didn't father me,” she continued without prompting. “They were married because it wasn’t illegal yet back then. But my mom used artificial insemination to have me, and she used a donor. My dad didn’t qualify for the databank. He had some issues. With his heart.”
I stroked my hand over her shoulder and planted a kiss on her head.
She rubbed a tear into my chest. “Ever since I was a little kid, he gave her a hard time about it. Called her… names. Said I wasn’t even his daughter, and I was nothing but —”
“A bastard.”
Her pain-filled eyes squinted at me. “No. That’s not what he said. I think only a man can be a bastard.”
Yeah, I understood that all too well. But the pain inflicted by words didn’t differentiate between genders, and I shared her pain deep inside of me as part of my own.
She sobbed. “I guess one day she snapped. My dad took off to the Ash Zones. Guess he feared they would blame him for her death. He called the authorities. Told them what happened and didn’t even turn around to give me a last glimpse before he shuffled down the porch. Might be better for everyone that we live in community homes now.”
I pulled her closer. Together we stared into the nothingness of the room for a long while without saying a word.
“Do you think you might be pregnant?” I finally asked.
“No.”
“You sound awfully certain,” I said. “Maybe that water you drink works differently than everyone thinks. What makes you so sure?”
Ayanna gave a long sigh. “I just know.”
Chapter 16
Spilled
Ayanna
Wrapped underneath River’s strong arm, the heat of his body poured over me like an afternoon at the beach. Did it really happen? The inside of my thighs burned where we had rubbed against each other until our bodies fused under screams and groans. Joy bloomed in my chest like a desert rose after a drought. A drought so long, the landscape of my body almost resembled a different dimension; now that it tried the warm saltiness of things that could happen between a man and a woman.
I squeezed myself out of bed. River grumbled like an old engine refusing to start and pushed his head deeper into the pillow. A whip of frigid cold stung my naked skin. For a second, regret washed over me that I had left his body, which had held me in a warm embrace all night.
What did we do? Our lips brushed and our bodies molded against each other in waves of uncontrolled desire. The word tasted foreign to me, yet so sweet I wanted to ask for another helping… or third.
I procreated. Not the procreation that comes in a thin metal cylinder, surrounded by flawless white walls and bleached air, served with a thank you note from the council. No. The one which left my cheeks raw where his beard had rubbed me, along with sore legs and a dull tongue.
Stepping into the bathroom, I lazily pushed the door into a small gap and stared into the mottled reflection of my face. Hm, still the same on the outside. Inside, however, I carried a secret as faint as the scent of the dried mint leaves in the mug by the window.
“Ayanna?” River called out, his voice a low rumble covered in a tenderness that hadn’t been there before.
“In the bathroom. I’ll be right out.”
His words bounced around my head. What if our encounter would become a life long commitment? I gulped. Not possible. I can’t get pregnant without ovulation. Can I? A child, with River?
It sounded as awkward as my name spoken backward. But… from River? That’s more like it! I mean, why not? When I arrived here, his scarred skin and ripped body resembled nothing to my brain but an unwillingness to evolve for the greater good of the community. But my brain no longer controlled my eyes, and the sight of this man made my knees tremble and a primal energy pulse through my veins. A warm, fuzzy feeling went through my core thinking about last night. The thought of needles, pokes and hormones didn’t have quite the same effect… I had to look him up in the databank to make sure his genetics match!
I pushed the door shut and walked over to the pink throne. I sat down and let my eyes wander across the wooden logs, then down to my bunched up gown. My body froze to its core. Is that blood?
A roll of old-fashioned toilet paper confirmed the fear which gave a devilish laugh at the back of my head. At the lazy stream of a scarlet river, I had become a woman twice in one day. A decade too late in nature’s opinion, yet no less terrifying to me. What am I going to do now?
Knock, knock! My eyes darted to the door. “I told you I’ll be right out!”
“No problem.” His voice came muffled through the wood. “Just wanted to let you know I am outside and will throw the ball for Monk. Your coffee is out there, too.”
Each of his footsteps made my heart beat faster, like a countdown to an issue I had to solve in less than three minutes. I grabbed one of the grayish washcloths and folded it between my legs. A fresh panty held it neatly in place, and I bunched the red-stained proof deep into my bag upstairs at the loft. Dressed with a layer of sweat on the nape of my neck, the stiff fabric square gathered up against my thighs as I walked outside.
“Don’t tell me you disappeared on me in the middle of the night, and I didn’t even notice.” A smile softer than anything I had ever seen on his face accompanied his words. He can’t know!
The steam had long abandoned the surface of my coffee. “No. I just had to go to the bathroom and couldn't wake you. You looked so exhausted.”
“I am exhausted.” He walked up to me, his posture open and inviting. “I hope I didn’t squish you last night. I never had to share my bed before, and I woke up every twenty minutes worried I might roll over you.”
Lost in a maze of afterglow courtesies I just stared at him. Am I supposed to kiss him? Hug him? I settled for a polite smile.
“So…” He scratched his arm. “How are you today? Do you already regret what happened last night?” The moment I turned to put my mug back down, River swung his arms around me and pulled me into his embrace.
“So?” he asked.
Panic swirled through my head. What if he reached out and pushed his hand into my panty? What would I tell him? That I came here to get myself knocked up by a hot clansman? I had to keep him away until this passed, or my plan would turn into an even bigger mess.
“It was ok,” I said and looked over to Monk who sat underneath a tree, his keen stare following a shaggy squirrel.
His eyes grew wide. “Okayyy? That’s it? It was just… ok?”
“I mean, it was definitely an interesting experience.” I untangled myself from his embrace and busied myself tucking on my pants. “It’s hard to describe because I have nothing to compare it to.”
“Same for me. Th
e guys who were lucky enough to score a wife sometimes told me a little about it. But I had no idea it would be that good.” He wrapped his hands around my waist once more, this time from behind. “I got the impression I was close to you. And I don’t just mean close to your body. You are beautiful, Ayanna, and you made me a blessed man last night. Only two things would make me even happier.”
My throat closed up, keeping me from taking another breath no matter how flat. I didn’t want to ask because I wasn’t ready for the answer.
His beard tickled my earlobe. “Nothing in this world would make me happier than if you would marry me and carry our child one day.”
“Marry?” my voice came out a high-pitched shriek that made Monk pull his tail in. “River, marriage has been outlawed years ago and —”
“It’s perfectly legal here and an important part of the way we live and what we stand for.”
“And what do you stand for?”
He ran his warm lips across the side of my neck as if he wanted to confirm his scent on my skin. “Lots of things. Living simply. Embracing our struggles. Families who raise their children. And the love between a man and a woman, of course.”
An invisible wall inside me crumbled, and my knees trembled. Like a falcon hovering above humankind, I could see now why the Clans fought for this primitive remnant of the past. Raw and natural, it added another layer to life so strong, I wondered if it was a foundation rather than a layer.
At the same time, I never had a deeper understanding of why the Districts tried to lock it away like it never existed. Last night I lost all control over everything reasonable. The worst part? I didn’t care. Energy shot between my legs like tiny electric impulses. I wanted to sling them around his hips until he had filled me with every bit of his being, and our bodies collapse onto the damp sheets. For a moment, a magnificent oak tree appeared behind my child, framing her face with healthy green leaves that weathered a storm in dignity.
River pulled me closer into his chest and inched his hand into my pants.
“No!” I turned around and stepped back. “I mean… we really don’t have any time. I just realized I have to see Bry before I go to school today. I need to discuss the lesson plan with her before the kids arrive.”
His eyes narrowed. “Can’t that wait until right before school? They live further up the hill, and I can't let you go hiking around up there. It’s not exactly dangerous, but Rowan wouldn’t like it.”
“We could take the ATV.”
He sucked on his lower lip and checked his holo-band. “Alright, but we have to hurry. If we’re lucky, they will still be at breakfast. Bry makes the best creamed weed in all the territory.”
A steep path led to Bry’s cabin which widened and narrowed as it slung through boulders, cliff edges and lonesome, skinny pines. Three muddy pastures surrounded their home, each of which they had fenced with stacked tree branches laid in a zig-zag pattern. The lean-to had seen better days, and one end slouched over a heap of hay instead of a support beam.
A man stepped out of the cabin, took a wide stance and put his hands on his hips. Without long hair nor braids, his head resembled something of a pancake more than anything.
“River.” He nodded. “Your engine rattles like a bag of spoons. Could hear you from a mile away. You better get that piece of junk over to Oriel before it explodes underneath your ass.”
While I took my helmet off and dismounted, River walked over, and the two men gave each other a manly hug. A picture of grizzlies popped up in my head. Strutted chests bumped against each other, and the smacks of bone-breaking pats against the shoulders echoed through the wide open.
“This is Ayanna.” River waved me to him.
Einar winked at River, his head slightly cocked.
“I heard great things about you.” He reached his hand out and waited for River’s nod of approval, which he gave without hesitation. “Bry won’t shut her mouth about you ever since you got here. Jabbers about how amazing you are with the kids all day, and how well you fit in with us. Made yourself right at home here and —”
“What’s all this noise out here?” Bry waddled out of the cabin. “Oh my! What are you doing here darling girl?” She pointed at her home and gestured us inside. “You’re all crazy. Get in here where it’s warm. I’ve got creamed wheat on the stove.”
“Told you,” River whispered.
Wooden boards rested on concrete blocks and wobbled without a break whenever one of the men laughed. Crooked benches trembled underneath us, but nobody seemed to care or even notice. Black, leathery meat hung from just about every beam of the cabin, dangling from left to right when Bry hurried across her kitchen.
“My wife says the crib turned out too big and bulky. But I thought it’ll last longer that way. What do you think, Ayanna?” Einar nodded towards the bassinet next to their bed. Bony pieces of bleached wood formed a fishtail frame, embellished by a single starfish.
“Is that real?” I asked.
“Uh-huh,” Einar breathed. “Besides my wife and the baby, that starfish is probably the most valuable thing in this shack. Just do me a favor and don’t tell anyone we have it. Wouldn’t want to kill someone over something like this.”
I waved his request off as self-evident. “Where did you find it?”
“He didn’t find it.” Bry walked over, her hand stirring the spoon inside the silver pot. “He built it. Didn’t he do a nice job?”
“Wow,” River said. “The entire thing all by yourself? I like it. I guess I know where to come once I need one.”
River looked over the rim of his chamomile tea and gave me a little wink without trying to get any attention. Einar choked on his own breath and rolled his eyes.
“Ay,” Einar said. “I made the entire thing. Eight months from start to finish. It’s a good thing I got it done in time because I’ve been a bit under the weather lately. Maybe I’m just nervous… the baby is going to —”
“Hush now. No more baby talk, please. I’m already freaked out enough as it is,” Bry hissed.
Sweet steam and a hint of spices rose from the clay bowls she placed in front of us. I dived my spoon into the mash, lifted it up and let it dribble back into the bowl. Eww!
“I hope you didn’t come all this way just to refuse my food,” Bry said, her forehead in wrinkles.
Einar chuckled. “Oh, don’t you say nothing bad about her food or she’ll go behind you with a broomstick.”
“Speaking from experience?” River smiled and took a spoonful.
“Here.” Bry placed a shaker with brown crystals in front of me. “Try it with cinnamon sugar. You won’t ever go back to that nasty insect powder you gobble down back home.”
With my stomach unusually loud that morning, I sprinkled the brown stuff over my mush and filled the tip of my spoon. Three bowls of creamed wheat later, I asked Bry if she was well enough to show me around the pasture. Equipped with a variety of tools I thought nobody would need, the men stood across from each other at the ATV and took turns scratching their heads.
“Isn’t he sexy? Nobody loves as strongly and as deeply as my Einar does. Our child is blessed to have him as a father.” Bry glared at her husband from afar. “And he dealt with every single of my moods throughout this pregnancy with not even the thought of an unkind word.”
“Is the water working?”
“Oh yes. And what a blessing it is.” She heaved a sigh. “But it seems to affect him in more ways than that. He thinks he is coming down with the cold. Says he feels sluggish and has no energy. He made an appointment at the clinic to have bloodwork done.”
“Now that you mention blood…” I put my hand on her arm. “I need to ask you a favor.”
“Ask ahead sweetie.”
“I need something for the bleeding, and I figured I would ask you since you—”
“Are you hurt? Why didn’t River bring you to the clinic then?” Her eyes scanned me from top to bottom.
I pointed at my pubic bone. “I mean do
wn there.”
Her brows arched, confusion choked the voice from her. She gasped for words and shook her head. “B-but… how? You are not supposed to —”
“Sh!” I held a finger to my mouth and turned to look at the men. Phew! River kicked the tire of the ATV. “Nobody can know Bry. I don't want to pull you into this, but I have no clue who else I could ask, and I didn’t exactly plan for this.”
Her eyes turned into angry slits. “What did you plan then?”
“Uh.” My mouth grasped for words.
Why was she so upset?
“I know you people think we can’t measure up to your intelligence,” she said. “But I got news for you: I might not be a genius, but I’m not stupid either. So how about you tell me right now what you’re up to.”
My body stiffened in shock. I was trapped between the truth and the fury in Bry’s eyes.
“To be honest.” I scratched myself behind my ear. Oh man, she will think I’m crazy. “To be honest Bry, I applied for this position because the council refused to impregnate me. A friend of mine suggested that, um, if I came here I had access to —”
“For sperm samples of our men. Is that it?”
I lowered my head. Why am I so ashamed? Women in the Districts had themselves inseminated with samples from the clans all the time. Isabelle said it.
“And which sample did you want to get your hands on?” I continued to stare at the floor but noticed how she bore her eyes into me all the same. “Surely you researched them before you came here, so they will be good enough for that perfect child you all want. You are a despicable bunch!”
My eyes raced up. “What?”
“Did you want my husband’s sample?” She rubbed her belly.
“I …”
“It’s a simple question Ayanna, especially for someone with your superior IQ. Did you consider getting your hands on my husband’s sample? Yes or no?”
Her hostility chilled me to the bone, and my heart drummed on my tongue. Her nostrils breathed loud and fast, her foot jiggling without a break.
