“I was so fucking mad at you Jess. How could you have kept it a secret from me? I was one hundred percent certain that she wasn’t mine. Then when I found out she was mine and you didn’t have an abortion, I was in such a blind rage that at that point in time, I had to walk away. What I was saying to you, To the mother of my child. To the woman I love, it wasn’t right Jess. I had already said so many things that hurt you.” He walks over to me; my tears are falling, and I’m sobbing so hard.
“I was bang out of order for what I said. You are an amazing woman, you are the reason my daughter is so healthy and bright. You are the reason your brothers are still together. You don’t know how much I regret what I said to you.”
God, what he’s saying, it’s what I’ve wanted to hear. It’s everything I’ve wanted. “Thank you.” I whisper, the tears still coming thick and fast.
He kneels down in front of me, holding onto my hands. “Don’t thank me Jess, I should be thanking you. Fuck, I should be begging you for forgiveness.” His voice is so rough, almost as if he’s chocked up with emotion.
“Why did it take you so long to realise that? Six weeks is a long time, hell you missed her birthday.” Even though I love what he’s saying, I’m still hurt that he walked away, that he abandoned Emme. I cried on her birthday, for the first time in years there was hope that she could celebrate her birthday with her dad and that hope was shattered.
“Fuck, Jess. I feel bad enough as it is.”
I push him away from me; he doesn’t get very far, just leans backward. “You feel bad enough? What the hell do you think I’ve been feeling?”
“I’m not doing myself any favours. I didn’t mean it that way.” He leans into me, “Jess, the day I walked away I got shit faced, so bad that I couldn’t stand up. I ended up at mum’s, everyone was asleep when I got there so I waited, and thankfully I did. When I woke up in the morning, I had a clear head; I realized that I got angry at the wrong person…” His eyes hold so much remorse that I have to cut him off.
“Okay, although you hurt me, god, you hurt me more than I ever thought someone could hurt. You’ve already apologised to me and I accept your apology. I’m not going to bring it up anymore, what’s done is done. So wipe that guilty look of your face and tell me what happened with your mum.” Am I stupid for forgiving him so easily?
I’ve held on to so much anger for such a long time and him saying sorry meant so much, it’s taken a huge weight of my shoulders. A weight I didn’t even know I was carrying.
“So in the morning, I did a lot of thinking, I left before anyone woke up and I made some decisions. I want to be a football coach, and as I can’t play, that’s the next best thing. So I have to get my coaching badges. I’ll be doing that here in London.” His face lights up when he tells me that he’ll be working in London, I can’t help but smile at him, and he’ll be able to spend so much time with Emme.
“I’ve bought a house, here too. It’s in south London but it’s amazing.” Holy shit, he’s made some big changes. “I’m getting the keys in a month, until then I’m renting a flat close by.”
“You’ve done a lot in the six weeks.” I’m gobsmacked, he’s packed up his life and moved closer to us.
“Yeah I have, but I should have been here, getting to know my daughter. I didn’t want to leave once I was here. I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t want to be with her.” His voice has gone husky and fuck, its sending shivers through me, god, he’s so sexy. His head is shaved and I’d love nothing more than to run my hand across it, he’s lean but toned and all I want to do is hug him, but I can’t. He’s not mine and I’m not his.
I don’t know if my heart can take him rejecting her again. “What else have you been up to?” Kind of annoyed that he’s let his mum get away with splitting us up, he didn’t even say anything to her.
“I spoke to my dad first of all, he had no idea. He wondered what happened between us, but mum told him you cheated on me.” Oh my god, she’s truly an evil cow. I start to cry again, softly this time, he reaches up and wipes the tears away. He’s making me want him and that’s something I promised myself I’d never let myself do, get into a situation where he can hurt me.
“I told him everything, including what I said to you. You know what he said?” I shake my head, I don’t have a clue. “Well other than telling me that he’s going to divorce my mum, he said that it’s the secrets of life that can either make you or break you.”
“Wait, what? You’re mum and dad are getting a divorce?” How did he just skip over that, like there’s nothing too it?
“I’ll get to that later.” He smirks at me.
“What do the secrets of life mean?” Confused as hell at this moment, I mean he’s smirking about his parents getting divorced.
“My granddad use to say it. When there was something major that was kept secret, it would be known as the secrets of life. Those secrets can make or break you.” Ah okay that makes sense.
“So mum kept secrets from dad and I. You see, the day I told dad, well he confronted mum. He told her she had to tell us the truth. He wanted to know everything she told you and everything she did.” I can tell by the look on his face that this isn’t going to be good.
“She told us that when I told her you were pregnant, she knew then that she had to get rid of you, she had to get you out of my life.” I don’t know if I want to hear this.
“She came here and spewed all the shit about me saying your scum and that I wanted you to have an abortion, that I didn’t love you. Then she told me that you were having an abortion. She said that you were beneath me, that you weren’t classy enough for me, you were too common.” Fuck, it hurts, yes I thought those things when we were dating, but everyone has insecurities when they’re fifteen, but hearing someone else think them, it’s killing me.
“She was so fucking wrong Jess. You are it for me, you were mine from the get go and that has never changed.” God, he’s making this so hard when he says things like that.
“When I moved to Devon I lost my phone, so I got a new one. Mum persuaded me to get a new number, and she said ‘new place, new phone, and a new number. It’ll be a fresh start.’ What she was actually doing was making sure we never got in contact again.”
“Why though? She got what she wanted, we broke up.” My voice is raised, I’m so mad. That woman hates me for no other reason than because I’m not rich.
“So I wouldn’t read your texts. She said that you sent a text saying that you couldn’t go through with it. She knew if I’d seen it, that there’s no way I would have let you go.” He takes my hand and places a kiss on my palm; I close my eyes and savour it.
“I wanted to be with you so fucking bad, but I thought you killed our baby. I’m so sorry.” He has tears in his eyes.
I gently reach over to him and caress his face, “Don’t, don’t be sorry, you had no idea.” The feel of his warmth skin on my hands makes me feel like I’m home. It’s what I’ve always felt around him.
He takes my hand and holds it, “Mum knew that you kept the baby, she knew that you delivered Emme too, she never told anyone. She kept it a secret from me. I can’t forgive her Jess.”
“But you can forgive me?” I ask quietly.
“God, Jess, you’ve done nothing for me to forgive, you tried to tell me about Emme. Mum, well she lied, hers are the secrets that break us. Or they would have if I didn’t have dad, you and Emme.” He’s killing me, he really is. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.
“Dad knows that you work as a pole dancer.” My face burns with embarrassment. God, it’s the first time I’ve ever felt this embarrassed about being one. “Don’t, don’t be embarrassed. My dad loves you even more than he already did.”
“What?” I choke out, why would he love me?
“He told me how amazing you are, that not only raising Emme, but your brothers too. He said that you’re one of a kind.” He’s smiling from ear to ear, his brown eyes sparkling.
�
��Um, I don’t know what to say? Thanks. I think. So what happened with your mum?” Curious isn’t the word for what I am right now. Part of me wants her to be thrown out on her arse for what she did, but the other half doesn’t want his family to break.
“Dad kicked her out, told her he’s filing for divorce. He froze all the accounts and told her she was a conniving bitch. That who is she to judge when she was poorer than anyone when he met her.” He looks at his watch and I can tell by the wince on his face that he has to leave.
“Jess, I’m late for a meeting, but I’ll be coming back.” He leans forward and kisses my cheek, “We’re not finished Jess, not by a long shot. Please tell me that I still have a chance? I love you Jess and I will fight to get you back. No matter what, I’m here to stay. I’m fighting for you Jess and I’m fighting for our family. I want to get to know my daughter.”
Oh fuck, not what I wanted to hear, my heart is racing, “I don’t know, Hunter. I’d never keep Emme away from you.” My voice is quiet; I don’t know what to do.
He leans forward and places a kiss on my lips. I go still, stuck between wanting to take the kiss further as those sparks that I’ve been missing with Richie are out in fall force with Hunter, or pulling away. “I know you wouldn’t. Think about it Jess, I know you’re working tonight. I’ll bring you home, that way we can talk more.” We walk to the front door, and he kisses my cheek once more and then leaves, and I’m standing here still reeling from the sparks that I had when he kissed me.
Chapter Eighteen
There's a knock at the door and I open it. I'm instantly disappointed to see its Stef. God how stupid am I to be getting my hopes up about Hunter again? I mean, he's already hurt me more times than I can count. I don’t know, maybe this time could be different. She looks haggard, but normal and I wonder if she just come here to ask me about Hunter or is something else on her mind? Stef, walks straight into the kitchen, she does what every best friend should do, make themselves at home.
“So how did it go?” Stef asks as we sit in the kitchen.
“It was a proper mind fuck! I mean, he confused me enough last night, but I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I’d see Hunter and he’d tell me that he wants to see Emme, and me and Richie would be happy.” I need a bloody drink.
“But that didn’t happen?”
“No, instead he tells me that he loves me, that he’s going to fight for me and he wants to know Emme.” God, hearing him say those words, they meant so much to me when I was fifteen, but to hear them now? They mean even more, but I don’t know if I can be with him, too much has happened.
“He loves you? Oh Jess isn’t that what you wanted? You’ve always wanted Hunter.” She knows me too well.
“I know, but we’ve been through so much. We’ve been apart for so long. We’ve both changed, I don’t know if it’s right for us to be together.”
“Jess babe, you’ll never know unless you try. By the sound of things he wants you, so wouldn’t you rather try and it fail than never try and always wonder what if?” She’s right, and I know by the small smile she’s showcasing that someone told her the same thing.
“I know, but Stef, I don’t have it in me to be hurt anymore. I don’t want to go through it again.” There lies my real problem, “He’s apologised and I’ve forgiven him, and I’ve promised him I won’t bring it up again, but I don’t know how to move on from the pain and the fear of him doing it again.” This is why I’m so confused. I don’t know whether I should take the chance with Hunter or stay with Richie. I really do like Richie and the thought of hurting him makes me feel sick.
“Jess, you’re going to have to decide. Richie or Hunter?” I know, and either way I’m going to have to talk to both of them.
It didn’t take me long to decide, and now I’m on my way to meet Richie. He sounded worried when I was on the phone to him and I hate that I’ve caused that. I meet him at the coffee shop where we first met, his idea, not mine and my heart is heavy as I walk toward him.
He looks terrified and I honestly can’t blame him, especially after last night, he told me he loved me. God, I never wanted to be this person, I never wanted to hurt anyone and I certainly didn’t want to break someone’s heart, no matter who I choose the other still, will be hurt. It’s one hell of a fucked up situation.
“Hey Jess,” Richie says with a smile and it’s the first time his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. Usually his smile will light up his face, but now, it’s dull and that’s my fault. He walks toward me and leans down and kisses me on the lips, it’s just a quick peck and for the second time today, I’ve been frozen to the spot. “You okay?”
I recover and put my arms around him, giving him a hug, “Yeah, just tired. How are you?” I hate small talk; I’d rather get straight to the point. But, I can’t do that right now. “Want to grab a coffee?” I hate coffee, but I’ll have a cup of tea.
“Yeah Jess.” He’s been really quiet and I think he senses what’s about to happen, the only thing is, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through it.
We both order tea, and take a seat; it’s so awkward between us. The silence is painful and I hate it. He looks at me and his eyes are filled with so much sorrow and hurt that I want to cry from just looking at them. “You’re going to get back with Hunter aren’t you?” it’s not really a question more of a statement.
I nod, “Yes, I’m so, so, sorry. I never thought I’d do this.” My voice is full of guilt.
“Don’t be sorry, you love him and that hasn’t ever changed,” I look at him questioningly, “Whenever you spoke about him, your face would light up, I knew that you loved him. I also saw your face when you saw him last night. Jess, I knew right then that I was going to have the fight of my life to keep you.” He shakes his head and smiles sadly at me.
“Richie…” I start, not knowing what to say to him, what can I say to him to make this situation better? But all I know is that I have to explain to him, that I wanted him.
He waves his hand and cuts me off, “Don’t Jess, there’s no need for an explanation. I knew from the very beginning that I was competing against the love of your life.” He laughs “I was prepared to walk away but then I fell in love and I was hooked. I knew that if your ex ever walked back into your life that you’d walk out of mine.”
Oh god, he’s literally breaking me right now. I go to speak, but he beats me to it. “I was prepared for this day, hell I knew it would hurt like a bitch, I knew last night when I told you I loved you and then kissed you that it was over between us. You didn’t respond to my kiss like you use to.”
“Richie, god.” I’m crying, he reaches over and takes my hand; I grab a hold of it like it’s my life line. “I’m so sorry; I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know you are Jess and I don’t regret that I love you. You deserve to be loved, and I’m so grateful that I’m one of the ones that got to love you.”
“You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be happy and you don’t know how much I wish I could be the one to love you. These past six weeks, I’ve learnt to be happy again, to be myself again and not just a mum and a sister, but to be a woman and I owe that to you and I’ll forever be grateful.” Tears streaming down my face, I really wish I wasn’t doing this.
“You need to see where this thing with Hunter will lead, not just for you but so your daughter can get to know her father.”
“God, why couldn’t you be a complete arsehole? This would have been less painful if you had been.” I wipe the tears from my eye listening to him chuckle. I look at the time and see that it’s almost half one and time for me to get going, I promised Emme I’d pick her up from school.
Leaving the coffee shop, I walk him to the tube station; it’s hard to think that this will be goodbye. I know deep down, that no matter what is said, we’ll never see each other again. I’m not that cruel, he deserves to be happy and seeing me all the time, that won’t happen. “So this is goodbye then.” Tears stinging my eyes as I see his watery eye
s, I will mine not to fall. I don’t have the right to, I’m the one that’s ending this, I’m the one hurting him.
“Never Jess, just see you later. I want you to know that if you and Hunter don’t work out, to come and find me.”
“As much as I’d love that, it’s not fair on you. That’s giving you hope and I can’t and won’t do that to you. You deserve to move on and find someone who will love you as much as I love Hunter.” His eyes are so red and watery and I can’t do anything to stop the tears falling down my face.
“You’re one of a kind Jess.” He tells me and right now I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with me, why the hell am I ending things with him?
“Please, please. I’m begging you. Don’t do that, please find someone. I want you to be so happy.” I sound hoarse, I want to sob but I don’t.
He reaches out and caresses my face with both hands. “I guess this really is the end. Be happy Jess. I really hope that you find your happiness with Hunter.” He leans in and kisses my lips, I hate that I’ve had two men kiss me today. “You deserve the world Jess and I really hope you get it.” He walks away as the tears still fall, I watch as he walks to the turnstile. He turns and I see that he too is crying. Lifting my hand, I place my hand to my lips and blow him a kiss, I watch as he winks at me before heading toward the escalator, disappearing from my view and my life.
I join Stef out on the balcony, sitting down next to her, I hear the laughter of Emme. The kids are in the sitting room supposedly doing their homework. They’re none the wiser to our private conversations. “So… How did it go with Richie?” The worry in her tone tells me that she didn’t miss the red eyes that I have.
My eyes are red raw from crying so much. I had a bath after picking the kids up from school. It was the only place that I could be alone and let myself cry. I don’t think that any of the kids knew I had been crying as they didn’t mention it.
“Awful, god, it was heart-breaking, listening to him tell me that I deserve the best when I’m breaking up with him. I wish it had been different. I wish I could have loved him.” My voice is hoarse and I light up a cigarette knowing full well it will make it worse, but fuck it, I need it.
The Secrets Of Life (The Working Girls Book 1) Page 15
