CHAPTER XXI. BETTER AND BETTER--MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE--TAILS ANDHEADS: THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE.
Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execution, whereI promised to meet him in time to receive his parting sigh, curiosityinducing me first to learn the issue on the appeal. The brigadier toldme in confidence, as we went to the other hall, that the affair wasnow getting to be one of great interest; that hitherto it had been mereboy's play, but it would in future require counsel of great reading andresearch to handle the arguments, and that he flattered himself therewas a good occasion likely to present itself, for him to show whatmonikin reason really was.
The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether they presenteda formidable array of intellectual development. As the cause of Noah wasadmitted to be one of more than common urgency, after hearing only threeor four other short applications on behalf of the crown, whose rightsalways have precedence on such occasions, the attorney-general of theking was desired to open his case.
The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the objections ofboth his adversaries, beginning with those of my brother Downright.Forthwith, he contended, might be at any period of the twenty-fourhours, according to the actual time of using the term. Thus, forthwithof a morning, would mean in the morning; forthwith at noon, would meanat noon; and so on to the close of the legal day. Moreover, in a legalsignification, forthwith must mean between sunrise and sunset, thestatute commanding that all executions shall take place by the lightof the sun, and consequently the two terms ratified and confirmed eachother, instead of conveying a contradiction, or of neutralizing eachother, as would most probably be contended by the opposite counsel.
To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such occasions,objected pretty much the converse. He maintained that ALL lightproceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only meanthat there should be no executions during eclipses, a period whenthe whole monikin race ought to be occupied in adoration. Forthwith,moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith meantimmediately; and "between sunrise and sunset" meant between sunrise andsunset; which might be immediately, or might not.
On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that forthwith did notmean forthwith; secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly,that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was illegal toapply one of these legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose; and fifthly,that the objection was of no avail, as respected the case of No. 1,sea-water-color. Ordered, therefore, that the criminal lose his tailforthwith.
The objection to the other sentence met with no better fate. Men andmonikins did not differ more than some men differed from other men, orsome monikins differed from other monikins. Ordered, that the sentencebe confirmed, with costs. I thought this decision the soundest of thetwo; for I had often had occasion to observe, that there were verystartling points of resemblance between monkeys and our own species.
The contest now commenced between the two attorneys-general in earnest;and, as the point at issue was a question of mere rank, it excited alively--I may say an engrossing--interest in all the hearers. It wassettled, however, after a vigorous discussion, in favor of the king,whose royal dignity the twelve judges were unanimously of opinion wasentitled to precedency over that of the queen. To my great surprise,my brother Downright volunteered an argument on this intricate point,making an exceedingly clever speech in favor of the king's dignity, aswas admitted by every one who heard it. It rested chiefly on the pointthat the ashes of the tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown intothe culprit's face. It is true this might be done physically afterdecapitation, but it could not be done morally. This part of thepunishment was designed for a moral effect; and to produce that effect,consciousness and shame were both necessary. Therefore the moral actof throwing the ashes into the face of the criminal could only be donewhile he was living, and capable of being ashamed.
Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. Itcontained the usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, was esteemedas very eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred and inviolablecharacter of the royal prerogatives (prerogativae as he termed them),and was so lucid in pointing out the general inferiority of thequeen-consort, that I felt happy her majesty was not present to hearherself and sex undervalued. As might have been expected, it allowedgreat weight to the distinction taken by the brigadier. The decisionwas in the following words, viz.: "Rex et Regina versus No. 1,sea-water-color: ordered, that the officers of justice shall proceedforthwith to decaudizate the defendant before they decapitate him;provided he has not been forthwith decapitated before he can bedecaudizated."
The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper officer,Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out of the hall ofjustice, as if both out lives depended on our expedition. I was about toreproach him for having volunteered to aid the king's attorney-general,when, seizing me by the root of the tail, for the want of a button-hole,he said, with evident satisfaction:
"Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to havebeen employed, for some years, in a more interesting litigation. Nowthis cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to a close, hasjust reached its pivot, or turning-point; and I see every prospect ofextricating our client with great credit to myself."
"How! my brother Downright!" I interrupted; "the accused is finallysentenced, if not actually executed!"
"Not so fast, my good Sir John--not so fast, by any means. Nothingis final in law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or thecriminal can yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent way;much better than I have deemed it at any time since the accused wasarraigned."
Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to demandan explanation.
"All depends on the single fact, dear sir," continued my brotherDownright, "whether the head is still on the body of the accused or not.Do you proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution; and,should our client still have a head, keep up his spirits by a properreligious discourse, always preparing him for the worst, for this is nomore than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated from his body,run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the fact. I ask but twothings of you--speed in coming with the news, and perfect certainty thatthe tail is not yet attached to the rest of the frame, by even a hair. Ahair often turns the scales of justice!"
"The case seems desperate--would it not be as well for me to run down tothe palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties, throw myselfon my knees before the royal pair, and implore a pardon?"
"Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons: firstly,there is not time; secondly, you would not be admitted without a specialappointment; thirdly, there is neither a king nor a queen!"
"No king in Leaphigh!"
"I have said it."
"Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to refutewhat you say, by the evidence of my own senses."
"Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there wasa king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned. But thenobles and grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to trouble hismajesty with affairs of state any longer, took upon themselves allthe trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign the sole dutyof reigning. This was done in a way to save his feelings, under thepretence of setting up a barrier to the physical force and abuses of themass. After a time, it was found inconvenient and expensive to feed andotherwise support the royal family, and all its members were privatelyshipped to a distant region, which had not yet got to be so faradvanced in civilization, as to know how to keep up a monarchy without amonarch."
"And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?"
"Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations enough,even greater exploits may be performed."
"But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no suchthing as a monarch in this co
untry?"
"Literally."
"And the presentations?"
"Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy."
"And the crimson curtains?--"
"Conceal empty seats."
"Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?"
"In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in danger, ifthere were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch, and anotherto have no throne. But all this time our client is in great jeopardy.Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I have just instructedyou."
I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the centreof the square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my friendwaving over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had already renderedhis countenance so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did notrecognize his head. He was, however, still in the body; for, luckily forhimself, and more especially for the success of his principal counsel,the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual preparationsnecessary for the execution. As the mandate of the court had not yetarrived--justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as her ministers aredilatory--two blocks were prepared, and the culprit was about to getdown on his hands and knees between them, just as I forced my waythrough the crowd to his side.
"Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!" exclaimed the rebukedNoah; "a ra'ally awful situation for a human Christian to have hisenemies lying athwart both bows and starn!"
"While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to beprepared for the worst--he who is thus prepared never can meet with adisagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners"--for there were two, thatof the king, and that of the queen, or one at each end of the unhappycriminal--"Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the culprit a momentto arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his last requests in behalfof his distant family and friends!"
To this reasonable petition neither of the higher functionaries of thelaw made any objection, although both insisted if they did not forthwithbring the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they might losetheir places. They did not see, however, but a man might pause for amoment on the brink of the grave. It would seem that there had been alittle misunderstanding between the executioners themselves on the pointof precedency, which had been one cause of the delay, and which hadbeen disposed of by an arrangement that both should operate at the sameinstant. Noah was now brought down to his hands and knees, "moored headand starn," as that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was in the crowd,expressed it, between the two blocks, his neck lying on one and histail on the other. While in this edifying attitude, I was permitted toaddress him.
"It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain," I said;"for, to speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and sanguinaryappearance."
"I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will ownthat I have been repenting with all my might, ever since that firstvardict. That affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has givenme a good deal of consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon for beingled away by such a miserable deception, which is all owing to thatriptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his desarts. Iforgive everybody, and hope everybody will forgive me. As for Miss Poke,it will be a hard case; for she is altogether past expecting anotherconsort, and she must be satisfied to be a relic the rest of her days."
"Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah--repentance is the one thingneedful for a man in your extremity."
"I do--I do, Sir John, body and soul--I repent, from the bottom of myheart, ever having come on this v'y'ge--nay, I don't know but I repentever having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this moment, havebeen a school-master or a tavern-keeper in Stunnin'tun; and they areboth good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord love you! SirJohn, if repentance would do any good, I should be pardoned on thespot."
Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he asked ofthe executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the boy broughtnear, that he might take an affectionate leave of him. This reasonablerequest was complied with, despite of poor Bob's struggles; and theyoungster had quite as good reasons for hearty repentance as the culprithimself. Just at this trying moment the mandate for the order of thepunishments arrived, and the officials seriously declared that thecondemned must be prepared to meet his fate.
The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortalprocess of decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened sympathyin every monikin present. Having satisfied myself that the tail wasactually separated from the body, I ran, as fast as legs could carryme, towards the hall of the twelve judges. My brother Downright, who wasimpatiently expecting my appearance, instantly arose and moved thebench to issue a mandamus for a stay of execution in the case of "Reginaversus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color. By the statute of the 2dof Longevity and Flirtilla, it was enacted, my lords," put in thebrigadier, "that in no case shall a convicted felon suffer loss of life,or limb, while it can be established that he is non compos mentis. Thisis also a rule, my lords, of common law--but being common sense andcommon monikinity, it has been thought prudent to enforce it by anespecial enactment. I presume Mr. Attorney-General for the queen willscarcely dispute the law of the case--"
"Not at all, my lords--though I have some doubts as to the fact. Thefact remains to be established," answered the other, taking snuff.
"The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of Rexversus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of decaudization totake precedence of that of decapitation, in the case of Regina versusthe same. Process had been issued from the bench to that effect; theculprit has, in consequence, lost his cauda, and with it his reason; acreature without reason has always been held to be non compos mentis,and by the law of the land is not liable to the punishments of life orlimb."
"Your law is plausible, my brother Downright," observed my lordchief-justice, "but it remains for the bench to be put in possession ofthe facts. At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared--"
"I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will notadmit of three months' delay."
"We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and wehave now sat longer in banco," looking at his watch, "than is eitherusual, agreeable, or expedient."
"But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establishthat the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually beenseparated from his body--"
"Nay--nay--my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience mustknow that the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had anaffidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it, before weadjourn; as it is, the affair must lie over to another sitting."
I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiarodor of the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown intoNoah's face, there remained no further obstacle to the process ofdecapitation--the sentence, it will be remembered, having kept hiscountenance on his shoulders expressly for that object. My brotherDownright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so simple astumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written over in a goodlegal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he read it, withoutpause or hesitation, in the following manner:
"Regina versus Noah Poke."
"Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, {Personally this fourth day ofthe Moon.} appeared before me, Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of theCourt of King's Bench, John Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of GreatBritain, who, being duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that he, thesaid deponent, was present at, and did witness, the decaudization of thedefendant in this suit, and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1,sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically separated from his body.
"--And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc."
Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit, whichexisted only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired the court totake my deposition to its truth.<
br />
"John Goldencalf, baronet," said the chief-justice, "you have heard whathas just been read; do you swear to its truth?"
"I do."
Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and myself,and it was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the paper usedby my brother Downright on this memorable occasion was no other than thenotes which the chief-justice himself had taken on one of the argumentsin the case in question, and that, seeing the names and title of thecause, besides finding it no easy matter to read his own writing, thathigh officer of the crown had, very naturally, supposed that all wasright. As to the rest of the bench, they were in too great a hurry togo to dinner, to stop and read affidavits, and the case was instantlydisposed of, by the following decision:
"Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be considerednon compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding security tokeep the peace for the remainder of his natural life."
An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with thisreprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter intothe necessary recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the sametime the bonds given the previous night, for his appearance to answerto the indictments. These forms being duly complied with, my brotherDownright and myself repaired to the place of execution, in order tocongratulate our client--the former justly elated with his success,which he assured me was not a little to the credit of his own education.
We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the handsof the Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing hissatisfaction at the unexpected turn things had taken. According to hisaccount of the matter, he did not set a higher value on his head thananother; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been necessary topart with it, he made no doubt he should have submitted to do so like aman, referring to the fortitude with which he had borne the amputationof his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for his part, he should takevery good care how he accused any one with having a memory, or anythingelse, again, and he now saw the excellence of those wise provisions ofthe laws, which cut up a criminal in order to prevent the repetition ofhis offences; he did not intend to stay much longer on shore, believinghe should be less in the way of temptation on board the Walrus thanamong the monikins; and, as for his own people, he was sure of sooncatching them on board again, for they had now been off their porktwenty-four hours, and nuts were but poor grub for foremast hands, afterall; philosophers might say what they pleased about governments, but,in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant on 'arth was the belly; he didnot remember ever to have had a struggle with his belly--and he had athousand--that the belly didn't get the better; that it would be awkwardto lay down the title of lord high admiral, but it was easier to laydown that than to lay down his head; that as for cauda, though it wascertainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he could do very well withoutone, and when he got back to Stunnin'tun, should the worst come to theworst, there was a certain saddler in the place who could give himas good a fit as the one he had lost; that Miss Poke would have beengreatly scandalized, however, had he come home after decapitation; thatit might be well to sail for Leaplow as soon as convenient, for in thatcountry he understood bobs were in fashion, and he admitted that heshould not like to cruise about Leaphigh, for any great length of time,unless he could look as other people look; for his part, he bore no onea grudge, and he freely forgave everybody but Bob, out of whom, the Lordwilling, he proposed to have full satisfaction, before the ship shouldbe twenty-four hours at sea, etc., etc., etc.
Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as weproceeded towards the port, where he embarked and went on board theWalrus, with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals andpost-captains had, indeed, yielded to the calls of nature, and had allgone to their duty, swearing they would rather be foremast Jacks in awell-victualled ship, than the king of Leaphigh upon nuts.
The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with him,than I began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright for theable manner in which he had defended my fellow human being; paying, atthe same time, some well-merited compliments to the ingenious and trulyphilosophical distinctions of the Leaphigh system of jurisprudence.
"Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir John,"returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my lodgings. "We didas well as circumstances would allow; though our whole defence wouldhave been upset, had not the chief-justice very luckily been unable toread his own handwriting. As for the principles and forms of the monikinlaw--for in these particulars Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh--as youhave seen them displayed in these two suits, why, they are such as wehave. I do not pretend that they are faultless; on the contrary, I couldpoint out improvements myself--but we get on with them as well aswe can: no doubt, among men, you have codes that will better bearexamination."
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