CHAPTER XXIX. SOME EXPLANATIONS--A HUMAN APPETITE--A DINNER AND A BONNEBOUCHE.
The brigadier and myself remained behind to discuss the general bearingsof this unexpected event.
"Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir," I remarked, "reduces theLeaplow political morality very much, after all, to the level of thesocial-stake system of our part of the world."
"They both depend on the crutch of personal Interests, it is true;though there is, between them, the difference of the interests of a partand of the interests of the whole."
"And could a part act less commendably than the whole appear to haveacted in this instance?"
"You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment, is under a moral eclipse.I shall not say that these eclipses do not occur often, but they occurquite as frequently in other parts of the region, as they occur here.We have three great modes of controlling monikin affairs, viz., the one,the few, and the many--"
"Precisely the same classification exists among men!" I interrupted.
"Some of our improvements are reflected backward; twilight followingas well as preceding the passage of the sun," quite coolly returned thebrigadier. "We think that the many come nearest to balancing the evil,although we are far from believing even them to be immaculate. Admittingthat the tendencies to wrong are equal in the three systems (which we donot, however, for we think our own has the least), it is contendedthat the many escape one great source of oppression and injustice, byescaping the onerous provisions which physical weakness is compelled tomake, in order to protect itself against physical strength."
"This is reversing a very prevalent opinion among men, sir, whousually maintain that the tyranny of the many is the worst sort of alltyrannies."
"This opinion has got abroad simply because the lion has not beenpermitted to draw his own picture. As cruelty is commonly theconcomitant of cowardice, so is oppression nine times out of ten theresult of weakness. It is natural for the few to dread the many,while it is not natural for the many to dread the few. Then, underinstitutions in which the many rule, certain great principles thatare founded on natural justice, as a matter of course, are openlyrecognized; and it is rare, indeed, that they do not, more or less,influence the public acts. On the other hand, the control of a fewrequires that these same truths should be either mystified or entirelysmothered: and the consequence is injustice."
"But, admitting all your maxims, brigadier, as regards the few and themany, you must yourself allow that here, in your beloved Leaplow itself,monikins consult their own interests; and this, after all, is acting onthe fundamental principle of the great European social-stake system."
"Meaning that the goods of the world ought to be the test of politicalpower. By the sad confusion which exists among us, at this moment, SirJohn, you must perceive that we are not exactly under the most salutaryof all possible influences. I take it that the great desideratum ofsociety is to be governed by certain great moral truths. The inferencesand corollaries of these truths are principles, which come of heaven.Now, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, the love of money is 'of theearth, earthy'; and, at the first blush, it would not seem to be quitesafe to receive such an inducement as the governing motive of onemonikin, and, by a pretty fair induction, it would seem to be equallyunwise to admit it for a good many. You will remember, also, thatwhen none but the rich have authority, they control not only their ownproperty, but that of others who have less. Your principle supposes,that in taking care of his own, the elector of wealth must take care ofwhat belongs to the rest of the community; but our experience showsthat a monikin can be particularly careful of himself, and singularlynegligent of his neighbor. Therefore do we hold that money is a badfoundation for power."
"You unsettle everything, brigadier, without finding a substitute."
"Simply because it is easy to unsettle everything and very difficult tofind substitutes. But, as respects the base of society, I merely doubtthe wisdom of setting up a qualification that we all know depends on anunsound principle. I much fear, Sir John, that, so long as monikins aremonikins, we shall never be quite perfect; and as to your social-stakesystem, I am of opinion that as society is composed of all, it may bewell to hear what all have to say about its management."
"Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins, are not to be trusted evenwith the management of their own concerns."
"Very true; but it does not follow that other men, or other monikins,will lose sight of their own interests on this account, if vested withthe right to act as their substitutes. You have been long enough alegislator, now, to have got some idea how difficult it is to make evena direct and responsible representative respect entirely the interestsand wishes of his constituents; and the fact will show you how littlehe will be likely to think of others, who believes that he acts as theirmaster and not as their servant."
"The amount of all this, brigadier, is that you have little faith inmonikin disinterestedness, in any shape; that you believe he who isintrusted with power will abuse it; and therefore, you choose to dividethe trust, in order to divide the abuses; that the love of money is an'earthy' quality, and not to be confided in as the controlling power ofa state; and, finally, that the social-stake system is radically wrong,inasmuch as it is no more than carrying out a principle that is initself defective."
My companion gaped, like one content to leave the matter there. Iwished him a good morning, and walked upstairs in quest of Noah, whosecarnivorous looks had given me considerable uneasiness. The captain wasout; and, after searching for him in the streets for an hour or two, Ireturned to our abode fatigued and hungry.
At no great distance from our own door, I met Judge People's Friend,shorn and dejected, and I stopped to say a kind word, before going upthe ladder. It was quite impossible to see a gentleman, whom one had metin good society and in better fortunes, with every hair shaved from hisbody, his apology for a tail still sore from its recent amputation, andhis entire mien expressive of republican humility, without a desire tocondole with him. I expressed my regrets, therefore, as succinctly aspossible, encouraging him with the hope of seeing a new covering of downbefore long, but delicately abstaining from any allusion to the cauda,whose loss I knew was irretrievable. To my great surprise, however, thejudge answered cheerfully; discarding, for the moment, every appearanceof self-abasement and mortification.
"How is this?" I cried; "you are not then miserable?"
"Very far from it, Sir John--I never was in better spirits, or hadbetter prospects, in my life."
I remembered the extraordinary manner in which the brigadier hadsaved Noah's head, and was fully resolved not to be astonished at anymanifestation of monikin ingenuity. Still I could not forbear demandingan explanation.
"Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir John, to find a politician, who isapparently in the depths of despair, really on the eve of a gloriouspreferment. Such, however, is in fact my case. In Leaplow, humility iseverything. The monikin who will take care and repeat sufficiently oftenthat he is just the poorest devil going, that he is absolutely unfit foreven the meanest employment in the land, and in other respects ought tobe hooted out of society, may very safely consider himself in a fair wayto be elevated to some of the dignities he declares himself the leastfitted to fill."
"In such a case, all he will have to do then, will be to makehis choice, and denounce himself loudest touching his especialdisqualifications for that very station?"
"You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if you would only consent toremain among us!" said the judge, winking.
"I begin to see into your management--after all, you are neithermiserable nor ashamed?"
"Not the least in the world. It is of more importance for monikins ofmy calibre to seem to be anything than to be it. My fellow-citizens areusually satisfied with this sacrifice; and, now principle is eclipsed,nothing is easier."
"But how happens it, judge, that one of your surprising dexterityand agility should be caught tripping? I had thought you particularlyexpert, and infallible in
all the gyrations. Perhaps the little affairof the cauda has leaked out?"
The judge laughed in my face.
"I see you know little of us, after all, Sir John. Here have weproscribed caudae, as anti-republican, both public opinions settingtheir faces against them; and yet a monikin may wear one abroad a milelong with impunity if he will just submit to a new dock when he comeshome, and swear that he is the most miserable wretch going. If he canthrow in a favorable word, too, touching the Leaplow cats and dogs--Lordbless you, sir! they would pardon treason!"
"I begin to comprehend your policy, judge, if not your polity. Leaplowbeing a popular government, it becomes necessary that its public agentsshould be popular too. Now, as monikins naturally delight in their ownexcellences, nothing so disposes them to give credit to another, as hisprofessions that he is worse than themselves."
The judge nodded and grinned.
"But another word, dear sir--as you feel yourself constrained to commendthe cats and dogs of Leaplow, do you belong to that school of philocats,who take their revenge for their amenity to the quadrupeds, by beratingtheir fellow-creatures?"
The judge started, and glanced about him as if he dreaded a thief-taker.Then earnestly imploring me to respect his situation, he added in awhisper, that the subject of the people was sacred with him, thathe rarely spoke of them without a reverence, and that his favorablesentiments in relation to the cats and dogs were not dependent on anyparticular merits of the animals themselves, but merely because theywere the people's cats and dogs. Fearful that I might say somethingstill more disagreeable, the judge hastened to take his leave, and Inever saw him afterward. I make no doubt, however, that in good time hishair grew as he grew again into favor, and that he found the means toexhibit the proper length of tail on all suitable occasions.
A crowd in the street now caught my attention. On approaching it, acolleague who was there was kind enough to explain its cause.
It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been travelling in Leaplow;and, not satisfied with this liberty, they had actually written booksconcerning things that they had seen, and things that they had notseen. As respects the latter, neither of the public opinions wasvery sensitive, although many of them reflected on the Great NationalAllegory and the sacred rights of monikins; but as respects the former,there was a very lively excitement. These writers had the audacity tosay that the Leaplowers had cut off all their caudae, and the wholecommunity was convulsed at an outrage so unprecedented. It was one thingto take such a step, and another to have it proclaimed to the world inbooks. If the Leaplowers had no tails, it was clearly their own fault.Nature had formed them with tails. They had bobbed themselves on arepublican principle; and no one's principles ought to be thrown intohis face, in this rude manner, more especially during a moral eclipse.
The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails threatened vengeance;caricaturists were put in requisition; some grinned, some menaced, someswore, and all read!
I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door again, pondering onthis singular state of society, in which a peculiarity that had beendeliberately and publicly adopted, should give rise to a sensitivenessof a character so unusual. I very well knew that men are commonly moreashamed of natural imperfections than those which, in a great measure,depend on themselves; but then men are, in their own estimation atleast, placed by nature at the head of creation, and in that capacityit is reasonable to suppose they will be jealous of their naturalprivileges. The present case was rather Leaplow than generic; and Icould only account for it, by supposing that nature had placed certainnerves in the wrong part of the Leaplow anatomy.
On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted meat saluted mynostrils, causing a very unphilosophical pleasure to the olfactorynerves, a pleasure which acted very directly, too, on the gastric juicesof the stomach. In plain English, I had very sensible evidence that itwas not enough to transport a man to the monikin region, send him toparliament, and keep him on nuts for a week, to render him exclusivelyethereal, I found it was vain "to kick against the pricks." The odor ofroasted meat was stronger than all the facts just named, and I wasfain to abandon philosophy, and surrender to the belly. I descendedincontinently to the kitchen, guided by a sense no more spiritual thanthat which directs the hound in the chase.
On opening the door of our refectory, such a delicious perfume greetedthe nose, that I melted like a romantic girl at the murmur of awaterfall, and, losing sight of all the sublime truths so latelyacquired, I was guilty of the particular human weakness which is usuallydescribed as having the "mouth water."
The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin forbearance, and wasenjoying himself in a peculiarly human manner. A dish of roasted meatwas lying before him, and his eyes fairly glared as he turned them fromme to the viand, in a way to render it a little doubtful whether I wasa welcome visitor. But that honest old principle of seamen which neverrefuses to share equally with an ancient mess-mate, got the better evenof his voracity.
"Sit down, Sir John," the captain cried, without ceasing to masticate,"and make no bones of it. To own the fact, the latter are almost as goodas the flesh. I never tasted a sweeter morsel!"
I did not wait for a second invitation, the reader may be sure; and inless than ten minutes the dish was as clear as a table that had beenswept by harpies. As this work is intended for one in which truth isrigidly respected, I shall avow that I do not remember any cultivationof sentiment which gave me half so much satisfaction as that short andhurried repast. I look back to it, even now, as to the very beau idealof a dinner! Its fault was in the quantity, and not in quality.
I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I caught a glimpse of a facethat seemed looking at me with melancholy reproach. The truth flashedupon me in a flood of horrible remorse. Rushing upon Noah like a tiger,I seized him by the throat, and cried, in a voice of despair:
"Cannibal! what hast thou done?"
"Loosen your grip, Sir John--we do not relish these hugs at Stunin'tun."
"Wretch! thou hast made me the participator of thy crime! We have eatenBrigadier Downright."
"Loosen, Sir John, or human natur' will rebel."
"Monster! give up thy unholy repast--dost not see a million reproachesin the eyes of the innocent victim of thy insatiable appetites?"
"Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are friends, I care not if Ihave swallowed all the brigadiers in Leaplow--off hands!"
"Never, monster! until thou disgorgest thy unholy meal!"
Noah could endure no more; but, seizing me by the throat, on theretaliating principle, I soon had some such sensations as one wouldbe apt to feel if his gullet were in a vice. I shall not attempt todescribe very minutely the miracle that followed. Hanging ought to bean effectual remedy for many delusions; for, in my case, the bowstringI was under certainly did wonders in a very short time. Gradually thewhole scene changed. First came a mist, then a vertigo; and finally, asthe captain relaxed his hold, objects appeared in new forms, and insteadof being in our lodgings in Bivouac, I found myself in my old apartmentin the Rue de Rivoli, Paris.
"King!" exclaimed Noah, who stood before me, red in the face withexertion; "this is no boy's play, and if it's to be repeated, I shalluse a lashing! Where would be the harm, Sir John, if a man had eaten amonkey?"
Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just as I had left it themorning we started for London, on our way to Leaphigh, was there. Atable, in the centre of the room, was covered with sheets of paperclosely written over, which, on examination, I found contained thismanuscript as far as the last chapter. Both the captain and myself wereattired as usual; I a la Parisien and he a la Stunin'tun. A small ship,very ingeniously made, and very accurately rigged, lay on the floor,with "Walrus" written on her stern. As my bewildered eye caught aglimpse of this vessel, Noah informed me that, having nothing to doexcept to look after my welfare (a polite way of characterizing his wardover my person, as I afterward found), he had employed his leisure inconstructing the toy.
The head was where I had just before seen it, visible over the top of atrunk; but it was so far raised as to enable me to see that it was stillplanted on its shoulders. A second look enabled me to distinguish themeditative, philosophical countenance of Dr. Reasono, who was still inthe hussar-jacket and petticoat, though, being in the house, he had veryproperly laid aside the Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers.
A movement followed in the antechamber, and a hurried conversation, ina low, earnest tone, succeeded. The captain disappeared, and joinedthe speakers. I listened intently, but could not catch any of theintonations of a dialect founded on the decimal principle. Presently thedoor opened, and Dr. Etherington stood before me!
The good divine regarded me long and earnestly. Tears filled his eyes,and, stretching out both hands towards me, he asked:
"Do you know me, Jack?"
"Know you, dear sir!--Why should I not?"
"And do you forgive me, dear boy?"
"For what, sir?--I am sure, I have most reason to demand your pardon fora thousand follies."
"Ah! the letter--the unkind--the inconsiderate letter!"
"I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelvemonth; the last wasanything but unkind."
"Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation."
I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawnings of the truth.
"Anna?"
"Is here--in Paris--and miserable--most miserable!--on your account."
Every particle of monikinity that was left in my system instantly gaveway to a flood of human sensations.
"Let me fly to her, dear sir--a moment is an age!"
"Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say to each other, nor is she inthis hotel. To-morrow, when both are better prepared, you shall meet."
"Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient as a lamb."
"Never to separate, I believe it will be better to say."
I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a delicious relief from a mostoppressive burden of sensations, in a flow of tears,
Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone of mind. In the courseof the day, many matters were discussed and settled. I was told thatCaptain Poke had been a good nurse, though in a sealing fashion; andthat the least I could do was to send him back to Stunin'tun, free ofcost. This was agreed to, and the worthy but dogmatical mariner waspromised the means of fitting out a new "Debby and Dolly."
"These philosophers had better be presented to some academy," observedthe doctor, smiling, as he pointed to the family of amiable strangers,"being already F. U. D. G. E.'s and H. O. A. X.'s. Mr. Reasono, inparticular, is unfit for ordinary society."
"Do with them as you please, my more than father. Let the poor animals,however, be kept from physical suffering."
"Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both physical and moral."
"And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the rectory?"
"The day after to-morrow, if you have strength."
"And to-morrow?"
"Anna will see you."
"And the next day?"
"Nay, not quite so soon, Jack; but the moment we think you perfectlyrestored, she shall share your fortunes for the remainder of your commonprobation."
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