by Tiffany Sala
But he’d had little interest in me at all until now. Any physical desire had remained contained. He was interested now beyond controlling, because we had made a connection through our conversation.
Was that how it worked? A man could decide he wanted to fuck you, because he thought he’d discovered something real about you instead of just liking the fake show you put on? It seemed too good to be true. Why would anyone create a fake version of themselves if the real one was good enough to get by on?
Maybe it was just that it didn’t work with everybody. Maybe there really was something special when it came to Devin and me, that made our real selves—my real self, I didn’t think I knew much about his yet—just work.
That couldn’t be right, though. How could I be exactly what a kneecap-smashing mafia man was looking for? I’d been bad in my time, but not that—
Devin kicked the door open, settled me onto the bed I’d been sleeping in alone since I arrived, climbed on over the top of me. If I really didn’t want this, now was the time to change the arrangement.
Instead I let him kiss me again, his mouth rough and sliding unevenly about on mine like he wanted this too much to be charming. He spread my legs and settled between them, pulled my panties away with one hand while the other moved towards his pocket. I tried to see what he was doing, but he pressed me back into the pillows as I heard shuffling, crinkling, soft metal sounds.
“Run away, little girl,” he whispered in my ear… so I thrust my hips back towards him. I couldn’t bite down fast enough on the cry that escaped me as he pushed back in turn, continuing to move beyond where I had expected, driving straight into me.
He raised himself up on his still-suited forearms and studied me carefully. I took the opportunity to search his eyes for something relevant to his feelings, but it was especially hard to read him in only the light coming in through the door that had come to rest half-open. All I thought I could see right now was mild concern… and stronger suspicion.
Then he seemed to pack all of that away. I couldn’t read his expression at all.
I tried to push aside my surprise at being filled by him in that way. The discomfort was already fading; I had been ready for this ever since I realised my kidnapping was a little different to most.
I was going to try this thing where I revealed my true self at all times… even if that didn’t seem to always go off well.
“You’re not even going to let me see if there’s anything under your pants after all?”
His expression grew cold. “You’re telling me you can’t feel anything?”
“N-no…” He pressed his hips into me harder as I tried to explain myself, watching me with his eyes barely flickering as I trembled my way into a mess. I could not defend myself against sensations I had never experienced before. “I just… I wanted to see.”
“I appreciate that you are willing to admit it,” said Devin. He took my hand that now wore his ring, lacing his fingers through mine, and then brought it down between us. “I don’t intend to give you an opportunity to gawk like a creep… but I will give you something to feed your imagination.”
My elbow locked as my fingers brushed my own thigh… and, briefly, a hipbone that was not mine. “I—wait, I…”
When Devin sighed, I could feel his movement all the way through me. “Are you too squeamish to touch, then?”
“It’s just the ring,” I tried to explain. “It’s worth a lot of money… I don’t want to get it dirty.”
His laugh was the most sincere response I had gotten out of him yet, a new victory, and it vibrated deep inside of me. When I turned my face aside to try to hide the way my lip was quivering, he turned me back towards him with two gentle fingers on my cheek. I guess he wasn’t going to let me wriggle out of this now that I’d pushed for it so hard. “You’re such an intriguing mix of innocence and mercenary character.”
“I’ve just never had something like that, excuse me for wanting to protect it…”
“Sassing me at a time like this, Julia, you need to learn your place.” He pushed me down hard with his lips and chest and hips, nipping at my bottom lip and drawing my ring hand towards his intended goal firmly. He unclenched my fingers, withdrew a little, and wrapped my hand around him. His skin was hot and sticky, and I both did and didn’t want to think about the reason for that.
“Is my place underneath you at all times, then? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” I had just enough breath still to deliberately misunderstand him.
“Your place is to learn to take cues from me better, not to try to rub against me until I have to punish you.” He seemed to be struggling to find sufficient air for the purpose, too.
“Punish me… by rubbing against me?” I didn’t think I had it in me to keep on stirring him. I settled with just one parting shot. “I don’t feel like it’s going to have much of a disciplinary effect, so far.”
“Nor do I,” Devin murmured, and drove me under with his eager body.
Neither of us spoke about the delicious truth of this situation: he had been trying to put me in my place by using pleasure against me, but he had fallen into his own trap. The murmuring in my ear, the over-rough scrabbling at my skin, were not the actions of a man who was completely in control of the situation. And as he stiffened against me and I felt the cascade of his release all the way through his body and into mine, I also succumbed to a pleasure that scared me as much as it felt like it was setting me free.
I started coming to myself faster as he pulled away from me. I tried to blink the confusion out of my eyes to see what he didn’t want me to see, but he stayed in shadow and adjusted his suit pants back into position so quickly he was completely decent by the time I was able to focus.
Meanwhile, my shirt was torn to expose a whole lot more than was ever going to be made decent, and I couldn’t clearly remember where my panties were. “I hope you have plans to change that suit,” I spoke up. “Going to be pretty filthy otherwise.”
Devin didn’t bother showing a reaction in his face. “You’re obsessed with how dirty genitals are, Julia.” He adjusted his collar. “Did your ring survive?”
I straightened the diamond on my finger. “Seems okay.”
“You can always rinse it if you… sweat on it too much, or something appalling like that.”
I tried to ignore his mocking tone in a style comparable to his own. “Where are you going?”
“I’ve got things to do.” Unless he was a robot with literally no need for biological functions, what he meant surely was that he was trying to find somewhere to rest away from me. And that man who was crushing me into the mattress earlier was definitely bound by biology, however much he wanted to pretend otherwise.
“Stay with me for a while?”
He failed to catch his grimace in time. “Julia… you need to stop this.”
The thing was, I thought he was right. When had I become the sort of pathetic woman who begged for attention from a man who clearly didn’t want to give it? I used to laugh at guys who behaved that way.
And yet I knew now I was right too, once again, as much as I hated it. There was something about the two of us together that just worked. But if Devin had no intention of even giving me the slightest opening, I was wasting my time.
“If you’re really not into it, that’s fine, I’ll quit bothering you. But I thought you might be willing to do it, just this once. We girls get vulnerable at a time like this, you know.”
Devin shook his head. “I can’t imagine you’ve ever gotten vulnerable like that for a long time.” But he actually walked back across the room and sank down on the bed alongside me. I leaned sideways into him, a little daring and a little afraid of it, and he seemed to stiffen, his elbow pressing into my ribs in a way I didn’t think had been intentional. That close, I could feel an energy radiating off him that I had never experienced with any other male before. I hadn’t realised what I was asking for again. To be lying alongside Devin in bed would be terrifying. I wa
sn’t even sure I would be able to sleep.
“Thank you,” I said. Another daring sort of thing.
“A service provided.” Devin’s arm relaxed against me. I wasn’t sure if I felt hopeful or not. “Have you become more comfortable with the idea that there will have to remain a certain amount of distance between us?”
I didn’t think that was what he’d managed to convey at all through that encounter, but all I said was, “I’m just tired of arguing over the whole thing,” which was completely true.
He tilted his head against mine. I tried not to shudder as I breathed the scent of his hair, almost lost under an artificial fragrance that was strong and yet subtle. Expensive. “There will be an affectionate relationship between us that will, I’m sure, only grow over the course of our relationship. But we must maintain some degree of autonomy. It does nobody any good to be losing their head to the point where they can’t make an objective decision any more.”
“Yeah, fair enough.” If that was the way he wanted to play it, what could I do?
Then his elbow dipped into my ribs again. “Julia… wait. At a time like this… were you a virgin?”
I’d forgotten how ridiculous men got about that particular status. My strategic mind was awakening again. “I’ve done a lot of things with a lot of men, Devin, I won’t lie to you… but I had never done that particular thing.”
“And yet you wanted to here. With me.”
His voice was unwavering. Cold. I should have known he couldn’t just be like a regular man and feel pleased that he’d gotten to have me first.
“I agreed to marry you. It seemed like it was something that naturally followed.”
Devin was on his feet, pacing the tiny room. “You should know this situation well enough now to realise everything is negotiable, Julia. You chose to push ahead with this particular thing for your own reasons… and that leaves me here wondering what those reasons could be.”
If I told him I thought there was something really special between us he would mock me… and so he should when we’d known one another for all of five minutes under such unromantic circumstances. But that left me with no good explanation for a sudden complete change in tactics. “Is a woman not allowed to just decide she wants something?”
There were tears in my eyes now, and unlike when he’d been kidnapping me, telling myself I needed to keep it together, keep my feelings to myself, wasn’t helping. I was actually afraid of what would happen if I just ‘kept it to myself’ now. Would I end up in a marriage like that of my parents, apparently rich and successful… but so shitty with life I had to arrange to break a man’s kneecaps when he crossed me over a view?
I was so desperate to make a connection with Devin because I thought he could save me from that future. Because he seemed like someone I could have a more meaningful connection with… But wasn’t that just me being an absolute fool? If anything, I should expect Devin to be more or less the same as my father, maybe with some more convoluted ethics thrown in.
As I started to berate myself in my own head, I just cried harder.
“I need to give you some more space,” said Devin. As always, ready with the new plan. “It’s probably inevitable that we need to spend more time apart after everything that’s happened to get us to this point. If you need me, I’ll answer my phone… but I’m going to have my mother or Caroline check up on you from now on. For at least the next few weeks.”
Just like my father. I was too much trouble with all those inconvenient emotions, so he was going to leave me.
“Devin, please—”
“Be careful if you go out,” Devin told me. “If anyone approaches you, assume you don’t know who they really are or what they’re planning. I’ll stay in touch.”
While I was still scrambling to put together my clothes, he was gone.
Chapter Fourteen
When I staggered out of the bedroom in the ugliest and most comfortable pyjamas I had brought with me, I froze at the sight of Angel, sitting ankles crossed at the table in the seat Devin had used and sipping a coffee far too powerful for my brain at that point in the morning.
It had been almost a week since Devin walked out on me, only communicating occasionally in terse text responses to my messages. In all that time the only other humans I’d seen were delivering pizza or Chinese or cake—I couldn’t believe I’d been on my own long enough at that point to discover you could order in cake. I had been trying to sweep up all the wrappers and wipe any surfaces I messed up at least every other day, but the apartment already looked significantly shabbier than it had before I arrived. I was aware of it, and even though Angel wasn’t looking at anything around her, somehow I could tell she had noticed.
“Hello, Julia,” said Angel, calm as if this was a completely normal interaction to be having. “I assume Devin isn’t here this morning.”
Every warning Devin had ever given me about his mother was chiming in my head right now. Maybe he was right: now that he wasn’t in my face constantly, I was starting to appreciate that I did need to work out how to hold my own in this world—and that was true whether or not I ended up marrying him. I might have some choice about the course my future took, but I could do nothing about my past.
“Angel, nice to see you. I’m not comfortable with you just letting yourself into a place I’m staying in, though. Could you please give me some warning about when you intend to arrive next time, or wait to be let in?”
“It’s my property,” said Angel. “Did you sleep well?”
I tried not to reveal my frustration in my face or movements. If I lost control, I would just keep enabling her to outplay me. “Pretty well, thanks.” I tried to nonchalantly get myself a coffee, which was harder than it should have been considering I didn’t actually remember where anything was in this place yet. You didn’t need to use the kitchen that often if you were constantly ordering takeaway meals. “And thank you for checking up on me, honestly. I know Devin asked as a favour because he’s going to be a bit busy over the next few weeks.”
“You don’t have to cover for yourselves,” said Angel apparently to her coffee. “There’s no shame in having problems, arguments, not being able to stand the sight of one another for a while. And then, it’s not like your relationship is the usual thing.”
“Not the usual thing…” My wariness was making me even more disoriented. I put sugar in a cup and stared down at it, flinching backwards when Angel’s hand, dripping with rings, came over the top of mine with its one ring that somehow seemed to dwarf my hand though it was tiny and tasteful.
“You should know what I mean,” she said. She took the cup off me and started putting it through its paces in the coffee machine. “I don’t know how he convinced you to fall in with him on this quest for vengeance, but from my perspective it’s a big problem.”
There she was, doubting me again… I was truly sick of it. “If you have a problem with your son’s choice of future wife, I wish you would take it up with him and not me. I feel like you’re just bullying me now by coming to me with your objections, and you should know I don’t respond well to bullying.”
“Oh, I think you respond exactly how you’re wanted to behave,” said Angel. I was breathing hard, trying to not look like I was about to explode. “You’re well-known in our community, of course… Do you know what you’re called?”
“I have no interest in knowing,” I tried to head her off.
“The little princess,” she snapped back, smugly denying me any right to ignorance. “You’re seen as a fragile toy who has no agency of her own—and it’s hardly a label you can fight when the first time you left your house in weeks was to participate in this farce of a kidnapping.”
“As if no other person you know has ever taken advantage of the wonders of home delivery—” But even before she cut me off, I realised I was just playing into her prepared game when I spouted shit like that. The little princess, always needing someone to come running to tend her—not even able to succes
sfully change the course of her own life until someone else came along to yank her out of the old one.
“If you really involved yourself in the world around you, then you would have known something very critical,” said Angel. “The situation between Devin and your parents is no coincidence.”
I was going to stay quiet, let her tell me what she meant, but my mouth ran ahead of my brain. “Are you saying they deliberately got themselves into a state of debt with him?”
Angel gestured me towards the table with her hand holding my coffee. We were about the same height seated, and yet I felt like she was looking down on me. “He’s done very well with you indeed, hasn’t he? You can’t even imagine that he is anything but the victim in this situation now. Your parents were never in debt to Devin, or anyone involved with our family, in the first place. Devin bought that debt off its original owners—I know, because he was short on cash in the form they wanted it at the time and he asked me to back him up.”
He had chosen to have them in his debt. But… “You’re lying.” That would mean everything he’d said to me about honourable behaviour… well, it didn’t completely invalidate it, I supposed, but it made it less personal to him. And it seemed to me like there would be something pretty dishonourable about burrowing himself into a situation that never concerned him just to… to fuck with my parents? To have an excuse to get me? I couldn’t make any sense of it.
“Presumptuous of you to accuse me of lying,” said Angel. “Actually, you’re not the one I’m screwing over here. I promised Devin I wouldn’t say anything about the situation. Those Mahoney twits didn’t have a clue who they were in debt to; they’d organised their petty revenge through one of those services that will take your money and give it to some meathead with an appropriate weapon and neither side has to know exactly who’s involved. So when my boy showed up telling them they had to pay him or else, they might have contracted with him for all they knew. Wouldn’t occur to them that there could be any other way for him to work out what they’d been up to.”
