by Teg
The scowl on her sister’s face was encouraging in a strange way. Jane wanted to shake her, to make her say something instead of sitting in silence, thinking and feeling without letting it escape. The fact that she was expressing any emotion, even as simple as facial expression, brought Jane a measure of hope for the upcoming session with the psychologist. Clearly, Elizabeth felt this particular topic of discussion was at an end. She had folded her arms and
turned her attention toward the calendar on the wall.
“It’s only a couple of months until Christmas,” Jane suddenly remarked. Past years had seen the Bennet family gather together from all parts of the country, until Charles and Jane had married and then the first year apart was spent. It
wasn’t just because of their marriage, of course. There was the added complication of George Wickham. Elizabeth wasn’t welcome at home last
Christmas and so Jane chose to spend the first holiday with her new husband in their own home, closer to her sister who would otherwise have been left to a lonely celebration with a man who seemed at times to be able to charm the
devil himself.
“Need to shop,” declared Elizabeth. “Presents.”
“I’ll help you make a list,” Jane sighed impatiently. “If you want to do the shopping yourself I can rent a wheelchair at the mall so you won’t have to walk so much.”
Elizabeth turned to look at her, an expression mixed with frustration,
annoyance and relief. “I hate this!” she blurted out. One fist came down on the table with force. “I want... but I can’t have. I can’t do! I hate it!” She banged her fist again.
Jane stared at her for a moment before reaching for Elizabeth’s hand. “Lizzy, to see you so defiant and so... you, once more!” She pulled her sister to her feet and hugged her fiercely. “You’ve come a long way already. Don’t give up now.
I know you are tired and discouraged and I’m sorry I haven’t been more patient with your feelings lately. I couldn’t stand it, seeing you in such pain, and then Will made you smile when I couldn’t. I was scared to lose you all over again.
I’m so sorry.”
“Jane.” Elizabeth’s voice was soft. She pushed herself back to see Jane’s face more clearly. “I love Will but I love you, too. I need you both.”
“I know, I know. Will is able to do so much more for you, though.” Jane took a deep breath. “Don’t jeopardise the wonderful relationship you have, and could have, by refusing to face the past before you move on. You’ll be carrying those ghosts with you and I don’t have to tell you what damage that can do.” She studied her sister’s face which gave a vivid reflection of the internal conflict going on behind her silence.
“You’re right,” Elizabeth reluctantly said at last. “Friday.”
“Friday,” repeated Jane. She knew it wouldn’t be easy but at least the first, difficult step had been made.
“I have a surprise for you.” Like an excited child, the look Elizabeth gave him brought a smile to his face. “How would you like to go swimming?”
“Swimming?” The idea more than appealed until the thought of putting on a
bathing suit hit her. Elizabeth owned only bikinis, several of them, but the prospect of appearing at a public pool, exposing the frailties which currently plagued her, was frightening.
Will sensed her confusion. “It doesn’t have to be today. I can make arrangements for another time if you prefer. I know how much you’ve always loved the water and I found a therapist who can work with you in that
environment. It would be just you and her, nobody else.”
This made the suggestion even more appealing and Elizabeth was even
prepared to ask Jane if she could borrow one of her more modest suits for the occasion. Fortunately, her sister had already thought of that, having been informed beforehand of Will’s plan. She stood in the doorway, a bathing suit hanging from her fingers.
“Would this one do?”
The big grin on Elizabeth’s face was answer enough. She pointed to the stairs and pushed Jane ahead of her, giving Will a kiss on the cheek as she passed.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
It was more efficient to go prepared than to expend time changing into her suit at the pool. Jane could help her get ready at home. Elizabeth hoped she could manage on her own after the session. It wasn’t long before she was downstairs again, smiling expectantly at Will.
“Am I to understand that the arrangements are acceptable?” He chuckled. “You didn’t need to rush but I’m sure Pam won’t mind us being early.” Elizabeth looked a bit alarmed which only made him laugh again. “Don’t worry. She’s
entirely at your disposal, whenever you want to swim and for however long
you choose.”
It took the entire drive to reassure Elizabeth that she was not inconveniencing anyone with her eagerness to get started on this new form of therapy. Once at the pool Will introduced her to Pam, then he left her side, finding himself a place to observe without interfering.
The water looked inviting, bringing back countless memories in its reflections.
Elizabeth stepped forward... and stopped. Fear shot through her, the intensity halting her breathing. Darkness rose up before her; stormy colours whirling in a chaotic spiral of purples and black, and then she was falling.
“Lizzy? Lizzy, did you lose your balance?” Will’s voice seemed far away. “She must have slipped on the wet tiles. I shouldn’t have left her to do it on her own!” He was berating himself unnecessarily, she knew, yet her voice could not find an outlet. She hadn’t even opened her eyes. “Lizzy, are you okay? I hope she didn’t hit her head. Damn! I didn’t see if she did.”
A pitiful moan sounded. Elizabeth wondered if it was herself. Judging from the increased questioning from Will it must have been. She managed to open her eyes, looking up into the high ceiling above the pool.
“Thank God,” he breathed. “Lizzy. Lizzy, tell me you are alright. Please be okay.” All she could do was nod weakly and offer another pitiful noise. “Did you hit your head? Are you hurt?”
The questions wouldn’t end. She struggled to answer. “No,” she moaned. “No.”
Elizabeth suddenly felt foolish. She hadn’t fallen; her feet hadn’t slipped nor was her balance to blame.
Elizabeth was terrified of the water.
They left the pool without getting her feet wet. Elizabeth’s face burned with embarrassment but Will blamed himself for the lack of success.
“I should have waited. I pushed you into going, didn’t I? All I could think of was how much you enjoyed swimming before and wanted to give you that
pleasure again.” His grip on the wheel tightened. “I didn’t think it through.”
“Stop!” Elizabeth cried out.
Startled, Will reflexively jammed his foot on the brake before he realised her meaning. He still pulled the car over, out of the flow of traffic, to give her his full attention. Before he could open his mouth he was interrupted.
“It’s not your fault.” She sat with hands folded in her lap and head bowed. “I didn’t know.”
He looked at her, not understanding. “What didn’t you know?”
“I was scared.”
“Scared?” His hand closed over her clenched ones. “What frightens you,
Lizzy?”
She raised her head; eyes wide and troubled met his gaze. “The water. It scares me.”
Will thought quickly. From the numerous times he’d watched her in the pool, in the ocean, he knew Elizabeth was as at home in the water as a fish. No, he corrected himself. She used to be like a fish in the water. Now she doesn’t have that same ability. He shook his head, groaning softly. “I never learned how to swim. I envied you that ease and sense of freedom but what an idiot I am! It never occurred to me that you could be worried that your current limitations would pose a danger in the pool. You know I’d never let anything happen to you, Lizzy, don’t you?”
“
Yes, but –.”
“Lizzy, I mistakenly thought this kind of therapy was perfect for you, that you’d enjoy it far more and the benefits would be greater. I should have
realised you’d be starting all over again.” Will became aware of the change in her as she listened; as he grew more agitated with himself, Elizabeth began to relax, to lose the tension that had seized her. In another moment she was
smiling and turned an amused gaze on him. “What is it? Have I said something funny?”
She bit her lower lip, nodding carefully. “You can’t swim.”
His eyebrows rose. “You find that amusing?”
“Sort of,” she giggled. “Will, do you want to learn?” She saw the surprise at her question and recognised a fear similar to her own. “We can work together.”
There were few challenges that could affect him so directly and it took a
moment for Will to fully comprehend how much it would, indeed, test him. He would not expect Elizabeth to undertake anything he wasn’t prepared to try as well. “You’ll have the advantage, you know, already having learned once.”
Leaning closer, he murmured, “Be gentle with me, please.”
That request could only bring laughter and Elizabeth delighted in being able to share such a moment with him.
Eyes could convey more information than a person was willing to voice. Jane’s eyes were begging her to speak, yet Elizabeth did not, could not. Perhaps it was that she would not.
How many times had she seen that look in others’ faces; questioning, accusing, pitying, abandoning? They were all asking why, what, how and Elizabeth had no answers. She could no longer fool even herself into believing there was a purpose to her chosen course.
It was time to get out.
Lights flashed on the walls. Her heart pounded, panic rising until she realised it was only the headlights of passing cars on the road outside her bedroom
window. Eventually the adrenalin faded and Elizabeth’s mind cleared once
more.
Images, vague and fleeting, were left over from her dream. Emotional residue held her, like a persistent decay feeding on old wounds. She searched deeply for something comforting, some pleasant memory from that period.
Waves, gently rocking to and fro....
The wine had tasted good but she’d drank too much of it. Not only did the floating chair move but she could see the rest of the world within her sight was swaying, everything beyond her ability to focus.
“Over here, Dizzy Lizzy,” George beckoned to her from the side of the pool. He wore one of his most convincing smiles and a most flattering pair of shorts.
Elizabeth lazily sent the chair in his direction. When she was close enough he reached out to pull her to him. “Come up to bed with me,” he said, voice buzzing in her ear. Extra enticement followed as he flicked his tongue across her earlobe and down the side of her neck.
He gave her every reason to expect attentions that befitted the most deserving of royalty. Their room contained flowers on every surface, the fragrances mixing and sending her already unstable senses into further confusion. George
pushed her toward the bed, Elizabeth collapsing gratefully and stretching herself out upon her back.
He plied her with softly uttered compliments, sweet pieces of fruit tucked between her lips while Elizabeth offered no resistance. She allowed her imagination to sail the new currents discovered only recently,
feeling Will's hands, Will's lips.....
Elizabeth slept peacefully.
Chapter Fourteen
Elizabeth was willing to try again the following day. Will had to scramble to prepare. He had no swimwear and it was not something he would borrow from
Charles, nor could he send his secretary out to purchase any for him. Therefore he chose to take advantage of the opinion that mattered most.
“We have more than an hour. Where do we go first?”
Elizabeth considered their options. At such a late time of the year there would be few stores with a decent selection and she was quite particular when it came to quality in swimsuits.
Several stores later Will had never felt so exposed. Elizabeth had appraised each selection with a critical eye, then pronounced judgement. His plan was to quickly find one acceptable pair of swimming trunks and head to the pool but she, evidently, had other ideas. There was a pile of nearly a half dozen she had already approved.
“Four,” she declared. “Buy four.”
He offered no argument, wanting to get the experience over with, and allowed her to pick through the heap and make the final decisions. Only when they
reached the checkout was he pleased to discover that Elizabeth had found two swimsuits for herself, likely while he was busy changing again and again.
Despite the disapproving frown he received, Will refused to let her pay for her purchases and left the store relieved to have accomplished more than he’d
expected.
Elizabeth’s mood was lighter. Will thought another shopping trip might be in order, to buy her some pretty things instead of the practical articles she’d been using so far. He made a mental note to consult with Jane about arranging a convenient time. Elizabeth would need assistance when trying on clothes and her sister would be more useful for that.
When they arrived at the pool the therapist was ready for them and in the water.
Elizabeth was able to quickly change by herself, slipping off her loose clothing while Will had to resort to using the change room. By the time he joined them,
Pam had managed to get Elizabeth to sit on the pool’s edge and dangle her feet in the water.
“What’s this?” she grinned upon seeing Will. “You’re coming in?”
He shrugged in an effort to disguise his own nervousness. “I could hardly
refuse the request of a lovely lady,” he replied, winking at Elizabeth.
“He can’t swim,” she whispered, loudly enough for Will to hear.
“Well then,” declared Pam. “Let’s allow him some time to get comfortable in the shallow end over there while we work on some simple movements to test
your muscles.”
Will eagerly agreed, preferring to immerse himself without an audience.
“Over here, Dizzy Lizzy,” George beckoned to her from the side of the pool. He wore one of his most convincing smiles and a most flattering pair of shorts.
Elizabeth lazily sent the chair in his direction. When she was close enough he reached out to pull her to him. “Come up to bed with me,” he said, voice buzzing in her ear. Extra enticement followed as he flicked his tongue across her earlobe and down the side of her neck.
She laughed and pushed against the wall, floating just out of his reach. “You’ll have to do better than that.” Lazily trailing one hand in the water, she didn’t notice the smile disappear from his face.
“Come here, Lizzy.” The tone was flinty; sparks of command in the delivery.
One corner of his mouth quirked upward as he slid down the wall of the pool and into the water.
She attempted to focus on his expression, beginning to suspect that her choice had not been the best one, but he was moving and so was she, the chair bobbing up and down as it was struck by the small waves preceding him.
There was no time to react; his hand was on her foot, moving up her calf and then, abruptly, her face hit the water.
She came up spluttering and disoriented. A woman’s voice, calm and
reassuring, urged her to relax and take deep breaths. Elizabeth felt a solid surface under her feet and knew the water was shallow. Forcing herself to
stand, her limbs ceased their panic driven gyrations and she finally opened her eyes. Immediately, she recognised her surroundings and the therapist at her side.
“Elizabeth,” said Pam, watching carefully. “What just happened? You were
doing a perfect back float and then suddenly began thrashing about.”
Glancing behind her, Elizabeth saw Will a shor
t distance away, his expression one of deep concern. She turned her attention back to Pam. “A bad memory.
That’s all.”
The other woman nodded. She didn’t require the details but knowing that more than physical limits needed to be addressed was helpful in planning their
sessions. “Shall we try it again or would you prefer to move on to something different?”
The old saying about getting back up on a horse rang in Elizabeth’s head but she had no desire to feel that sense of helplessness again so soon. “Something else,” she said very quietly.
Will observed until he was satisfied that Pam had handled whatever crisis had arisen. Then he went back to his own exercises and tried not to dwell upon what he’d seen.
“I’d like to ask Jane to join us for a few minutes. Do you have any objection to that?”
Elizabeth stated definitively that she did not mind. She sat quietly while they waited for her sister to arrive. Once more Elizabeth found herself searching the walls for detail; tracing the tiny pattern in the wallpaper, looking for flaws. The door opened, disturbing her examination.
Dr. Wendell welcomed Jane and invited her to sit. “I think it would be helpful to have you share some of our sessions. There may be some memories which
Elizabeth finds a little foggy that you could provide more detail. An added benefit, of course, is that discussion between the two of you here may help you to do the same at home.”
Jane looked to her sister for a sign as to how she felt about it. “That sounds reasonable.”
“Elizabeth,” said the doctor, turning her attention fully on her patient. “Any issues you prefer to discuss privately can be done during the sessions when Jane isn’t present. If you feel you need to talk about something on a day we’re to meet as a group then I’m sure Jane won’t mind if you ask her to sit out.”
“Of course not,” Jane hurriedly agreed. “Lizzy, if you don’t want me here just say so. This is for your benefit. I want it to work for you.”
