by J. S. Cooper
It’s almost ironic that Dominic and I got back together. I still detested him, but I hated myself more than I hated him. I took his call because I didn’t want to let myself think of Brad. I didn’t want to let myself think that I had a chance with him, even though he wanted to be with me or so he said. The romantic in me wanted to be with Brad. I felt like we were made for each other, but our love story was like Romeo and Juliet. We could never actually be together. It didn’t matter that we were soul mates. I hated him with every fiber of my being. Brad made me feel like I was safe. He made me feel like I was understood. He made me feel like I didn’t have to have my guard up. And that was why I couldn’t be with him. I couldn’t afford to let my guard down. I couldn’t afford to trust and love him with all of myself. That’s not how life worked. There was no one you could trust more than yourself. I knew that. I grew up with that. It was a part of my brain.
Before I tell you about Dominic, I need for you to understand. I need you to get me. I need you to see that underneath it all, I’m not evil or cold. I’m just confused and scared. I need to tell you why.
Why I don’t believe in love
My grandmother was the closest person to me in the first six years of my life. She was sweet and cuddly and all those things that grandmas should be. Until I turned seven. When I turned seven, everything changed. I can remember the day clearly. I had come home from school all excited. This little boy, Jimmy, had given me a cute little note and said he liked me. Of course, I’d been beside myself. All the girls thought Jimmy was just the cutest. And when I say cutest I mean he had an adorable little face and sparkling eyes. I can’t even remember what color they were now. I remember I ran into the house and pulled that note out of my bag and I gave it to my grandma with such gusto and relish. I was caught up in myself as she read it. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to have her share in that with me.
“What’s this, Saskia?” Her lips were thin and she gave me a look that showed me she wasn’t impressed.
“It’s a note, Grandma.” I grinned up at her, still happy as can be. “Jimmy gave it to me.”
“And who, pray tell, is Jimmy?”
“My friend.” I grinned at her, seeing nothing wrong in having a friend who was a boy.
“Give him the note back and tell him you can’t be friends.”
“What?” I hadn’t understood why she was saying that, but I had sensed that she was suddenly angry.
“Boys aren’t friends with girls. They only want one thing.”
“What’s that, Grandma?”
“They only want to take from you.” She sighed. “Everything that they can. And then they leave you. Ain’t no point being friends with boys. They will always hurt you.”
“He hasn’t hurt me though, Grandma.”
“He will.” She grabbed my hands. “Don’t ever let no boy get so close to you that he can hurt you. People will talk to you about love, but it ain’t real, baby girl. Men don’t love no one but themselves.”
“Okay.” I’d walked to my room feeling confused and upset, but I never doubted what she said. Grandma was never wrong. That was the first of many conversations I’d had with my grandma about men, and her words were never far from my brain. I lived my life with her rules and I tried to never let any guy get so close that he could hurt me.
I’m not ashamed to say that Dominic showed up fifteen minutes after Brad left that morning. It was weird seeing him, knowing that the last time I’d seen him he had been with Jessie. It was even weirder knowing that I’d already gotten over it. I’d been more shocked than hurt. Frankly, him being with Jessie was more of a pride thing. Which is why I think I agreed to what he asked me next.
So, when Dominic asked me to marry him, he didn’t actually mean he wanted to marry me. Well, he did and he didn’t. You see, at the time Jessie was threatening to go to the press about the shenanigans going on between her, Dominic, and Aiden. Turns out she was as big a bitch as I thought. When I heard that, I wanted to call Aiden’s wife and laugh in her face, but I thought that would be a bit hypocritical. I wasn’t exactly in the position to be throwing stones. Dominic wanted me to be his cover. When he explained it to me, I wasn’t sure what to think. I mean, it’s not the most romantic thing in the world, but I’m a practical girl, I don’t need romantic.
Let’s be honest, what I need is money. I don’t have a job, I’m not well educated, and I don’t want to live in the streets or even a studio apartment in Jersey City. I want a nice, big, luxurious apartment in Manhattan and I want to be taken care of.
When Dominic showed up, I was happy to see him. There’s something about a man with a handsome face that makes you forget a multitude of sins. Especially when you realize you’re all alone, with no income coming in and no one else to fall back on.
“So, I have something exciting to tell you.” Dominic was grinning from ear to ear. It was as if he didn’t know how grossed out I’d been by him. In all actuality, I couldn’t even remember if I had told him. All I could think about was Brad and what had happened after I had left Dominic.
“What’s that?”
“You know how you used to hook up with my dad?”
“That’s exciting?” I frowned at him. Here it comes, I thought. He’s going to ask me for a threesome.
“No, of course not.” He gave me a weird look. “However, he said he wants to give us a special gift.”
“For what?”
“He feels bad that he fucked his son’s future wife.” Dominic shrugged. “He’s handing over his company to me.”
“What?” My voice rose. “Are you kidding?” I looked at him in shock, not really understanding why Aiden would do all that.
“Not kidding.” He grabbed ahold of me. “I’m going to be CEO, baby.”
“Okay, that’s great.” I frowned. “But why?”
“Do you really care why?” He frowned then. “You should be happy.”
“I should be happy?”
“You fucked my dad.” His eyes glinted.
“You had a threesome with your dad,” I shot back at him straight-faced.
“We never touched.” His eyes widened in shock and I smiled sweetly.
“You’re a sick fucker.”
“That’s to be decided.” He grabbed my hands. “Though it takes one to know one.”
I stared into his eyes and for one brief moment, all I could think about was Brad. The Brad I could never be with. I only allowed myself to think about him for a moment, though. That part of my life was over. I needed to move on and who better than with Dominic? He was just as messed up as me. We could play dirty with each other. And if he was about to become CEO, that would make it all better.
So, as you can see, I didn’t get my happily ever after. I got a happy with money and a beautiful baby. I got a husband that uses the word love but doesn’t know what it means. I got to prove my grandma right. I got everything someone like me could ask for. But oh, my story doesn’t end here. You see, what happened next in my life shook everything around me and caused it to collapse. Everything I thought I knew. Everything you think you know. Well, it’s all wrong. It’s all twisted. You see, my story goes back a lot further and a lot deeper than you knew. You see, everything in my life was about to change once again. Only this time, this time, you’re going to see it from the other side.
The first time I saw her
I know you think you know our story. The story you know starts with the fact that I’d been seeing Natasha casually for a few weeks and then met Saskia. That’s not the beginning of our story. The beginning of our story starts the summer after our freshman year of college. I was a lifeguard at one of the local YMCAs. The moment I saw Saskia in her tiny white bikini, I knew I had to have her. She looked so gorgeous with her long dark hair. She reminded me of some Cindy Crawford look-alike. She didn’t even look at me. I’m pretty sure she never noticed me. She was too busy talking to a friend. That friend was Natasha. Natasha definitely noticed me when I stole Saskia’s pur
se, but she didn’t say anything. I never understood why. To this day, I still don’t get it. Why didn’t she scream or shout thief? But she didn’t. So I was able to steal Saskia’s purse and get her name and address from her driver’s license.
It was easy from there. Once I had her information, I was able to watch her. My plan had been to follow her and accidentally bump into her. But then I’d reconnected with Natasha again and she recognized me right away. It’s funny how life goes, some people might call me a stalker. Some people might say we were doomed from the beginning, but I don’t agree. You see, the first time Saskia and I met and she actually looked at me, her eyes lit up. They lit up as if she knew in that moment, what I knew.
Things shouldn’t have ended up like this. Saskia’s married now to a horrible man and it’s all my fault. Everything is all wrong. I have to get her. I need her to be mine, but I’m scared. I don’t know what Natasha will do. We both have our secrets. There are things Saskia doesn’t know. Things that could keep us apart forever. I just need to get her to understand how much I need her.
My story will be focused on one thing. My quest to get back Saskia. The girl you think you know. Get ready for a wild ride because trust me, you know absolutely nothing.
Chapter 27
There’s something you don’t know about Saskia. Her parents died when she was younger. In fact, her father killed her mother and then himself. She doesn’t really tell people that about herself. She doesn’t want people to feel sorry for her. She doesn’t want to get “labeled.” She grew up with her grandmother, a hard witch of a woman that hated men because her husband left her for some hippie chick and moved to California. Saskia never talks badly about her grandmother, but her grandmother scarred her. Made her do things with men for money that no teenage girl should ever have to do. I can’t say I was sad when her grandmother died. No, I wasn’t sad at all.
It’s not a mystery as to why Saskia’s fucked up. It’s more a mystery as to why she’s still so sane. Because out of everyone I know, she’s the kindest most genuine person in the world.
You’re wondering how did we get to this crazy place, aren’t you? We got here because Natasha is a manipulator. That’s not new. It’s part of her psychosis. That’s the other thing you don’t know. Natasha and Saskia met in therapy not in college as she would have most people believe. Natasha knows both of our secrets. She controls us. She has no heart, so she doesn’t care. I suppose you want to know what her problem is? That’s one thing none of us really knows. Her dad is a sex addict. Her mom looks the other way and she gets whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She plays everyone and most people think she’s an angel. Aside from me and Tom. Though, part of me thinks that Tom is still under her spell.
Natasha is a highly functional sociopath. That’s my diagnosis, not a professional’s, by the way. I have to be careful about what I say. She’s everywhere. Reads everything. She’d sue me if she could. That’s not going to stop me from telling you the truth and not just part of the truth. Natasha wants to control me, but she doesn’t know that I don’t care what comes out anymore.
Saskia is so different from Natasha. Yes, she likes to shock and awe people. That’s how she’s always gone through life. Part of her wants you to hate her. The other part hopes you see through the mask she wears. The mask that hides that deep down she’s a good person. I suppose she told you about the lap dance at the bachelor party? I suppose she told you that she was testing me to ensure I was a good guy. Did she tell you that she and I were supposed to be married? Did she tell you that I proposed to her first? Did she tell you that that night I begged her to run away with me? I’ve always loved her, yet she never thought she was good enough. I blame her grandmother and I blame Natasha. I took care of one of them and I’m ready to take care of the next one.
Tom always asks me why I don’t just tell her that Natasha’s a bitch and beg her to come away with me. He thinks that I’m deluding myself. He thinks I don’t love her as much as I say I do. He’s wrong there. I love her more than I say. I love her more than anything. Only I have two secrets. Two very big secrets and Natasha knows both of them. And so I have to bide my time. I know that if Saskia found out either of them, I’d never stand a chance with her and I couldn’t risk that.
I have a plan. A plan that I hope will work. A plan that I’ve already set into motion. It’s a plan three years in the making and now it’s all coming to fruition. I just needed to make sure that everyone and everything followed the script I had in my head.
“Hey,” I picked up my phone and spoke quietly.
“Hey you.” Her voice was soft and low.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m here in my bed, hoping to see you.” She moaned, and I knew she was playing with herself.
“That can be arranged.” I lowered my voice again.
“You know that bitch set me up to sleep with Tom.”
“You know you enjoyed it.” My voice wasn’t as low as before. I didn’t like anyone calling Saskia a bitch.
“I always enjoyed it.” She laughed. “I think we put on a good show.”
“You have to be careful, Jessie. No one can tie us all together.”
“No one’s going to tie us all together.” She sighed and then paused. “So are you coming over tonight?”
“I can.” I tried not to sound reluctant. I couldn’t let her know that I wasn’t really into her. If she did, I knew she would not be as helpful.
“You can come over to my place.” She was breathing hard.
“You sure you need me?”
“My fingers aren’t as good as your cock.”
“You’re a dirty girl, Jessie.” I laughed and looked at my watch. “I can be over in a few hours.”
“Fine.” She sighed. “Don’t forget the condoms. I can’t afford to get pregnant. I don’t need a baby. Not like some people.”
“Jessie.” My voice was angry as I knew she was talking about Saskia and my baby.
“I’m just saying. You know she only got pregnant for the child support. Greedy bitch.”
“Who knows how or why she got pregnant.”
“We know how she got pregnant.” Her voice was full of distaste. “She laid on her back, spread her legs and let a whole bunch of men…”
“That’s enough.” I cut her off. I could feel the jealousy swelling in me as I thought of Saskia with other men. As long as I blocked it out it was okay. I couldn’t allow myself to think about it. Not now. None of that mattered until we were together. I certainly didn’t want her to know and think about me with other women. I didn’t want her to hold that against me.
“Who were you on the phone with?” Natasha walked into the bedroom with narrowed eyes. I wanted to ask her if all of this was worth it? What was she getting from trapping me with her when she knew I loved another, but I knew it wasn’t really about me. It was about her and having what she wanted. It was about the power of controlling me and Saskia. Natasha didn’t love me in the conventional way a woman loves a man. I mean how could she? Knowing my feelings toward her.
“Don’t answer me.” She shrugged and walked over to me. “I don’t really care.”
“Your father wants to take us to dinner tomorrow night.” I looked away from her.
“He’s probably hoping I’ll invite Saskia, so he can fuck her again.” She laughed. “I wonder if Dominic would be cool with that.”
“You’re not funny.”
“I don’t pretend to be.” She looked at me with narrowed eyes. “I was thinking about inviting them to dinner. Show her I forgive her. Let our two families become one.”
“Don’t you dare.” I froze as I glared at her.
“What are you going to do?” She paused. “Kill me.”
“You bitch.”
“My dad knows everything. If anything happens to me, you will be the first person the police investigate.”
“I don’t believe you told your dad anything.” I shook my head. “He’d know you’re crazy
then.”
“My dad slept with my best friend because I asked him to. You think I didn’t inherit the crazy gene from him?”
“You wouldn’t tell him everything,” I whispered in disbelief.
“You want to test me to find out?” She grinned. “I’ll give Saskia a call and tell her to bring Dominic and the baby.”
“Don’t.” I grabbed her hand.
“Would it be too hard to see your whore with her husband?” She laughed. “Or would it be harder to see the disappointment in her eyes when she figured out the truth. You’re just as big a jerk as she thought you were.”
“You’re a bitch.” I shook my head and turned away from her. “I’m going out.”
“Where.” She touched my back and my body instinctively flinched. I couldn’t even hide my distaste for her anymore.
“None of your business.” I scowled, and I walked to the door. I made the mistake of looking back at her and she looked sad.
“Did you ever love me?” she whispered and a part of me felt broken inside as I replied.
“No. Never.” I shook my head and hurried out of the door and to my car.
I caught a cab to Jessie’s apartment without thinking. Traffic was bad as it always is in New York and I tried not to think about Saskia. These were the only times that I actively tried not to think about her. Jessie and I had been sleeping together for the last two years. It wasn’t anything I was proud of and I didn’t love her, but she fulfilled a need. Don’t judge me. I’m a man. I like sex. I do what I have to. I’m not saying that I’m perfect. I’m just saying that I’m me. I didn’t have to buzz once I got to her apartment. I already had a key to Jessie’s place. I walked in quickly; I was always scared that Saskia would see me with Jessie. Especially now that they had met. I didn’t want Saskia to know about our arrangement. I wasn’t sure how she’d take it.
