I shrugged my shoulders. “I was trying to take it slow,” I admitted.
“Time waits for no man, Jay. You should know that better than most. Don’t waste what you’ve been given.” Ever patted me on the shoulder this time as she stood from the barstool she’d been perched on. She walked away mumbling something about jealousy and chuckling as she went. It was only then that I noticed that her left forearm was damn near completely covered in ink from what I could see from elbow to wrist. She had added a lot over the years, and I hadn’t really taken notice. The damn saint of a woman had seen me smiling at a text and knew I was happy though. I guess that was the final nail in the coffin of whether Ever and I would have worked out as a couple. The answer was a resounding no. Not because she wasn’t a great person, but because I didn’t see her. She wasn’t the person who shined like a fucking beacon. Christina had her hair trimmed and changed the color from pink to teal just before she came back to Savannah, and it was the first thing I noticed about her.
Yeah, I was fucked for that girl. Maybe it was time to go see her in person again and really drive home the message that she was the person I wanted in my life, and that I would be good for her too. I wanted to comfort her when she hurt, make her laugh, see that beautiful smile light up her face, and know that I was changing her life for the better. Maybe I could convince her to give up the ghosts with me and rejoin the land of the living.
Chapter 23
Forget Me Not
Christina
When I closed up shop that day, my mood was shot all to shit. The last time I had heard from Jay was two days ago when he sent me an edible arrangement. He had been sending gifts to me for a couple weeks. They always showed up around my lunch break, and they made each and every one of my days so much better. It wasn’t even the things he was sending that did it. It was the fact that every time something showed up, I knew I was on his mind. I was devasted yesterday when the whole day went by and nothing came. Then today, I only sunk a little lower, thinking that, like everyone else in my life, he had finally realized I wasn’t worth the effort.
I was second guessing my brief texts to him as I gathered my things up for the day. Maybe I went with too aloof, and seemed like I didn’t care or appreciate his gestures? My anxiety was riding my ass like a cowboy on a bucking bull and it certainly wasn’t helping me to feel better about anything. Also, I blamed the rodeo signs all over town for that analogy, because I had certainly never seen a cowboy ride a bull. Although, that might be just the pick-me-up a woman needed when her sexy, bad-boy biker friend decided she wasn’t worth the effort anymore. I sighed and turned toward Grant. “I’m out of here,” I called.
“Have a good weekend, Chris,” he called back.
“You too!”
I nearly dropped my bag as I was leaving the gallery. When I moved to grab the thing and make sure nothing spilled out, I caught sight of a pair of booted feet heading toward me. Strong, tanned hands reached out and helped right the bag before my eyes trailed up the broad, leather clad chest, and right into the stormy gray-blue eyes of Jay. The same man I had just been lamenting over moments ago. “Hi,” I managed to get out as I stood straight again, while I clutched the bag to my chest like armor.
“Hey,” he offered with a smile.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. I figured the gifts weren’t enough to show you exactly how much you were on my mind. I’ve wanted to come every single day since we last parted ways.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I was trying to give you some space,” he told me before glancing over his shoulder at a beat up old Jeep that sat at the curb. “Want a ride back to your place? I’m pretty sure I have to move that thing soon.”
“Sure.” I followed him to the Jeep that didn’t have any doors on it. “It’s a bit chilly for this type of setup, isn’t it?”
Jay’s grin grew wider. “I don’t really use her a whole lot, and to be honest, I can’t remember where we put the doors the last time I had it out.”
“What? That’s ridiculous!”
He laughed. “I know it is, but we were always taking them off in weird places. My brother has kept it running for me, but I haven’t seen the doors in a few years now.”
“You know you can order more,” I told him as he moved around the Jeep to climb in on his side.
“I know. I just haven’t had a need to until now.” It was only then that I noticed he had been holding something in his hands the whole time. There was a bundle of little tiny blue flowers in his hand. He noticed what caught my attention and then grinned sheepishly at me as he pushed them in my direction. “These were for you before I got nervous and forgot I was holding them,” he admitted as a blush of pink tinged his cheeks just above the beard I loved to admire.
“Thank you,” I told him as I took hold of the bunch. “What are they? They’re beautiful.”
“Forget me nots,” he told me as he started the Jeep and pulled out into the light traffic out front of the gallery. My breath caught at the implication that I might forget him. There was no possible way that could happen. Hell, if the past two years of me painting him were any indication, I’d moved well past being able to forget him right into crazy-pants territory.
“Thank you,” I managed to say again, this time in a whisper. “Are you going somewhere?”
He took a minute to toss a questioning glance my way before he turned his attention back to the road. “Why would you ask that?”
“The forget me nots,” I told him.
He shook his head. “Not unless you plan on coming with me,” he said before tipping his head to the side once more to study me. “I told you I would wait for you, and I meant it.”
“Do you want to go somewhere else?”
Jay sighed so heartily I felt it deep in my own bones. “Everywhere I turn I see ghosts of my past,” he muttered. I understood that completely. It was part of the reason I had hoped to get the other job I’d interviewed for. Charleston and Savannah were filled with memories of the family who abandoned me, the husband who cheated on me and then took his own life, and the best friend who betrayed me and died before she could answer for it. Yeah, I definitely understood ghosts and the need to outrun them.
“I tried to escape to New York,” I told him, unsure if Lindsay had ever shared that I was there to interview for a job. “It didn’t work out, and if I’m being honest, I never would have survived a northern winter anyway. At least there wouldn’t have been the memories of everyone from my past lurking around every corner though.”
“I see T-Bone still. I’ll be walking or driving somewhere and swear to God, I’ll see him out of the corner of my eye. Then when I look harder, there’s nothing there.”
“Did it go away when you were on the road with the bands?”
“A bit. It’s easier when I’m not in the places we used to hang out together.”
“Must be hard to go back to your clubhouse then.”
His shoulders slumped visibly. “I hate it. I hate it so much I haven’t even replaced my bike yet.”
“Are you going to give it up? The club? Riding?”
“I don’t think I can give up riding, but I have been considering walking away from the club.”
“That’s a giant step,” I murmured, lost in thought.
“It’s huge. It was our dream together as boys. We wanted to grow up to be motorcycle men like our dads. Like our uncles. We were always meant to do it together though. Besides, while we were growing up, some of the shine wore off of those men. You know, when you’re a kid and all you can see is the hero in front of you? Then when you get older, you see that the hero you thought was there has been swimming in some murky waters and he let it taint him.”
“I get it. I felt that way about Steven in a shorter time span.” We both stared off into space for a few minutes before I continued on. “Do you think Toby would give it all up if the situation were reversed and you had died?”
“H
e wouldn’t have had to. T was always a better man than me.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“He never forgave me for the shit I started with Ever. He was right not to. I fucked things up between them and he was all she had.”
“Toby made his own decisions. Don’t take on his guilt too.”
“He did, but he ended up resenting me for his decisions. I made him believe in something that wasn’t true, and had I been thinking clearly, I would have known it wasn’t. I should have known.”
I hadn’t noticed that we had been heading out of town as we talked. When Jay turned into the cemetery where Toby and Steven were both buried, I startled a bit. I couldn’t believe we were back here, together. It was like he had just taken us back to our beginning. We got out of the Jeep after he parked, and Jay took hold of my hand and lead me to where his best friend was buried. It was the first time I’d really taken a good look at the headstone. Aside from a few facts about Toby, there was a beautifully sad drawing etched into the stone. Suddenly, I remembered what Jay had told me about Ever and it clicked. I was looking at the image she had tattooed on her brother’s body. It was a boy standing at a crossroads with a decision to make. He could take the harder path and come out the other side with all three balloons intact, or he could sacrifice a balloon, and take the easier path. The boy held a pin in one hand and one of the balloons had been popped. I felt a jolt of compassion for Ever in that moment. It must have been hell to feel like that about her brother, especially considering what Jay had told me about how close they were as kids.
“I thought I’d already done this, but I need to say goodbye for real this time,” Jay explained to me as he began talking to Toby. I watched as he said his goodbyes to his best friend and club brother. I glanced once toward Steven’s grave, but there was nothing there for me anymore. What we had was not real. I understood that better now. It didn’t take my anger away, but my sadness about him was gone now.
When Jay finished, I went to him and grabbed hold of his hand, offering my comfort to him. I may not have had something real with my husband for the last year or so before he died, but Jay had lost something that was very real and was still left with a heavy weight on his shoulders about how their lives had started drifting in different directions.
“I’m sorry. My plan had been flowers and dinner.”
“This was more important,” I told him.
Chapter 24
The Offer
J-Bird
She squeezed my hand and said, “This was more important.” It was then I knew I’d do anything to keep her with me. Anything. She understood my darkness. She felt my guilt, pain, shame, anger, all of it. But more than feeling it – she understood what it did to me. That was huge.
“Will you make one more stop with me?”
She agreed and we went back to the Jeep to head out. I was taking her to the clubhouse, and I didn’t know how she’d feel about being there, but I needed to see that just as much as I needed to say goodbye to that place too. When we got there, I hopped out of the Jeep and moved around to the passenger side to help Christina out. She was taking the place in. There wasn’t any judgment as she scanned the exterior of the clubhouse. I turned to see it through her eyes and was surprised to see how worn out the place looked. It hadn’t received a fresh coat of paint in years. The lawn looked like it was half dirt, half dead grass and weeds waiting for warmer weather so it could come back to full life once more. It was the season of death, and it made the clubhouse appear almost foreboding.
Christina didn’t ask what we were doing here, inject her opinion about the clubhouse, or anything else I might have expected from other women. Instead, she gently squeezed my hand in reassurance. “Whatever you need,” she whispered to me as she placed a kiss on my cheek just above where my beard released its hold on my face. I laughed when I thought about my beard. I didn’t know why I was so worried about ghosts. T-Bone would never recognize me. I’d never had anything but a close shave when he was alive. I was lucky I hadn’t been landed with the ‘Babyface’ road name. I stayed in trouble with the club for so long and prospected well beyond a normal period though that it earned me the name J-Bird, short for Jailbird.
We wandered into the clubhouse which seemed busier than usual. A few of the brothers stopped to check and see who had entered. Most just ignored me, some stared at the fact that I had another girl with me so soon. They all knew I’d been living with Lindsay and that she’d died on a ride with me. I wasn’t close to any of the younger brothers or prospects, and the older ones – the ones who were around when Toby was still here – they only had pity in their eyes when they looked at me. One face in the crowd that never ceased to surprise me was Kane’s. He worked for the same tattoo shop Ever did, and I would have sworn he’d never wear a kutte so long as he lived. Yet, when I returned from being on the road for two years, he was there, and well beyond his prospecting period. His road name was Irons now, which made sense considering his day job.
“Is Ever around?” I asked him, because if she was, he would know it.
He shook his head back and forth. “She’s closing the shop tonight. What’s up?”
I tugged on Christina’s hand and pulled her closer to where Irons had been sitting. “This is Christina. Do you think you can keep an eye on her for a minute while I go speak with Merc?”
“Can do,” he agreed and kicked the chair out on the other side of the table to offer her a place to sit. I leaned in and kissed the top of her head as she sat.
“I shouldn’t be too long,” I assured her before I left.
“He doing what I think he’s doing?” Irons asked my girl as I got a couple steps away.
“Whatever he’s doing is his business,” she told him. I couldn’t have been prouder of her in that moment. It also meant when I walked into my father’s office, it was with a smile on my face. That probably wasn’t how it should have happened considering what I’d gone there to do.
“What can I do for you, son?” Without speaking, I stood in front of his desk and began removing my kutte. When my father registered the movement, he finally looked up and then stood, brows pinched together in anger. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m relinquishing my membership as a member of the Aces High MC,” I told him. “I’d like to keep my ink, as it’s a part of my history that I earned, but I will understand if I need to remove it.”
“Where the hell is this coming from, Jay?”
“It’s coming from a few years of torment, the ghosts that keep hounding me, the fucking life that screams at me every fucking day to get gone again,” I told him honestly.
“Jay,” he hissed out softly. “Why didn’t you come to me sooner?”
“And say what, Dad? Did you want me to tell you that it broke me every time I had to walk through those doors without my best friend by my side? I’m pretty sure you all knew, you just ignored it and figured I’d get over some day.” When he didn’t disagree, I looked him in the eyes and asked him on his terms how he would feel. “If Double-D had been the one to bite it, and for the reasons he did, would you still be able to walk these halls? Sit in church without seeing him there? Would you be able to party out there like he wasn’t missing? Like your heart wasn’t missing a fucking beat in his absence?”
“Jesus, fuck!” Merc gasped out and then stood to move around the table. I attempted to shove my kutte at him, but he just swatted the damn thing out of the way and yanked me into a hug. He held on tightly. “I didn’t realize you were so fucked up about everything still, son.”
“It’s never gonna go away,” I told him. “This ache inside for my best friend, the resentment I feel that it was a club brother and club pussy that took him from us. It’s all here, living and breathing in these walls. I can’t stay.”
“Why don’t you think on it a while?”
“What do you think I was doing for the two fucking years I was on the road with Phoenix?”
“Well, I hoped you we
re out there chasing rock groupie pussy or something and living your life to the fullest.” He was only half-assed teasing to lighten the mood in the room.
“I did that too,” I offered as a concession, considering this was not going to be easy for him to swallow.
“Why wouldn’t you come talk to me about how you were feeling instead of blindsiding me like this, and trying to turn in your kutte out of the blue?”
I sucked in a deep breath before letting it out. “Do you really feel like this is out of the blue?” I asked, expecting an honest answer. Merc moved to sit on the couch in front of his desk and I followed. He sat, lost in thought so long I didn’t think he was going to answer that. Then he finally did.
“I knew you were struggling for a while. We all did. That’s why no one put up a fight when you wanted to head out with Phoenix. I figured, worst case scenario, you’d go nomad for a bit with him, get whatever was riding you out of your system, and then come back ready to jump into the mix. It was always your dream to move up in the ranks and take over some day.”
“It was our dream,” I reminded him. “That was something T-Bone and I were supposed to do together. We can’t have that now. Honestly?” I asked.
“Give it to me straight.”
“I don’t know that I ever wanted it for me. I wanted it for him. He always used to talk about how I’d be Prez one day and he’d by my VP. I never saw it like that though. I always saw him as the leader. He was better at rallying the troops, had better judgment, and a much more level head for how things should be. That was never me.”
“I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. T-Bone saw the man you would become. I know everything that went down with you and Ever hit you hard, especially after you realized your mistake and that there was no easy fix for it. Knowing you fucked up, and that it caused another person that much pain, it knocked you back and gave your ego a kick in the ass I don’t think you ever recovered from. You were on track to growing into the man T-Bone saw running the club in the future. You just didn’t know it yet.”
The Killing Ride Page 20
