by L E Royal
She was right, and I knew it. I was just grasping at straws, dancing with the devil.
“You should try to sleep. Things are only going to get more hectic as the week wears on, you’ll need your strength.”
She surprised me by pulling me into a hug. She smelled like some expensive perfume I would never remember the name of and faintly of Jade. The cool expanse of her body wasn’t quite right, but comforting still, pressed against me.
“I’m glad she has you.”
She let me go, and I squeezed her hand, my chest full.
“Goodnight, Cami. Don’t spend too long alone out here, okay?”
She nodded.
As I retreated down the hall, I was happy to notice Jade’s bedroom light was on. As I passed by, she appeared in the doorway, giving me a sad sort of smile before she headed to the kitchen, no doubt to retrieve Camilla.
IT WAS WITH Camilla’s advice on killing a vampire ringing in my ears that I walked through the city the next night. As soon as Scarlett left for the punishment center after a day of the stoic introspection that seemed more common as we approached the deadline for my turning, I set out on my own errand for the night.
Rain had finally come, the snow turned to mush under my boots, though with another hard freeze in the air, soon it would be glacier slick, ice.
One of Scarlett’s thick winter coats hung slightly too big on my frame. Even beneath its downy weight, the cold still seeped into my bones.
I walked quickly, not stopping at any of the stalls in the market, though I scanned their offerings as I passed—clothes, shoes, and food, even electronics. Vires amazed me, and I longed for the day there was time, safety, a second just to breathe, so I could learn more about its infrastructure. It had occurred to me in one of the few moments when I could see beyond the daunting task ahead, that if Scarlett succeeded, she would need to continue to run the city, right down to the small things like this. When I asked her about it, she’d brushed it off saying that everything was already in place. I hoped she was right.
Somewhere in my periphery, a word caught my attention, followed by another and another, as the people around me finally realized they were in the presence of the hybrid. I ducked my head, walking faster, realizing now this was the first time I’d ventured out into the city alone, ever. With the Government at the center of our focus, suddenly the danger of the streets was dulled in comparison. As I walked, the chatter around me increasing, it occurred to me that perhaps I’d underestimated how safe I would be out here alone.
Someone called out in the distance and I picked up a jog, careful to pay attention to where I was putting my feet, trying not to panic. I wanted to make it home without Scarlett knowing I had ever left. The square was large enough that moving around it was fairly easy. Groups of vampires stood together in front of stalls and around the benches lining the bunker, the occasional human dotted between them. I made it through the more populated area, finally dropping back down to a walk when I was confident I had left those who recognized me far enough behind.
I tried to calm myself. The nerves of being out in the city alone, plus the freezing cold air in my lungs and the light jog, all left me short of breath.
She was there, standing beside the long table looking in my direction almost as if she’d been expecting me. Shikara was beautiful—long dark hair to match her dark almond shaped eyes, her kimono style dress and weapons belt making her resemble the fierce warrior woman I was pretty sure she was.
“Still not a vampire?”
The question wasn’t impolite, and more of an observation. I shook my head in response.
“Not yet, but soon.”
She studied me, and for a long moment she said nothing, leaving me suddenly nervous about having come out here to find her.
“What can I help you with, Rayne?”
There was something calming about being in her presence. Her voice was rich and smooth, each word carefully chosen and clearly enunciated.
“I was hoping to acquire something for personal protection.”
She licked her lips but said nothing. I took that as a need for further explanation, fighting the urge to ramble, and trying to avoid lying as much as possible while hiding the fact that I intended to kill a vampire with said something.
“I’ve been getting a lot of attention, and Scarlett’s not always around. I was hoping to find something to help me feel safe.”
Her face said she didn’t buy it, and as she disappeared below the desk housing her impressive collection of weapons, I wondered if she was going to refuse to help me, or worse, call Scarlett to come get me. Was it some sort of violation for me to try to buy a weapon as a human, or at least half one? Not for the first time, I wondered if this plan had been too brazen, too rushed, too desperate? Everything hinged on her accepting that I would pay her through whatever means Scarlett used, and Scarlett not noticing what I had added to her tab.
I jumped when Shikara popped back up and pushed some ornate-looking knives aside to create a space on her table where she set something down.
“Do you know how to use this?”
I shook my head, suddenly scared. It was the first time in my life I had seen a gun.
“You have no experience in hand to hand combat.”
It wasn’t a question, but I shook my head anyway.
“All weapons require some level of skill, all should be wielded only after training, but since you came all this way and have a need for something immediately, this is the best compromise.”
She picked up the gun, without hesitation, and it looked like it belonged in her hands. She raised it up and pointed it toward me. My heart beat harder in response.
“Breathe in and focus, breathe out and pull the trigger.”
I tried to listen while she showed me how to take off the safety, how to put it back on, and how to use two hands to steady the weapon because it would kick back. I tried to soak up her words and tried to process. When she placed the gun in my palms all I could think about was raising it up and trying to shoot Wilfred Pearce, to shoot anything. My hands were already shaking.
Shikara corrected my hold on the handle, knotting my fingers around it and each other in a way I knew I wouldn’t remember.
“Practice with it, handle it, let it become part of you, because in a situation where you need it, there’s no time for doubt.”
I nodded studiously, almost certain that I was going to rush home with it and hide it somewhere and hopefully never look at it again. The idea had seemed solid at the time, consumed as I was by my determination to have some way to help Scarlett, some way to protect her like she did me, but watching my own pale fingers tremble, terrified one of them was going to pull the trigger without my permission, terrified of the power in my hands, I realized the flaw in my plan.
“Will this be on Scarlett’s tab?”
I nodded, pleased she had jumped to that conclusion without me having to ask. I waited patiently while the small gun was wrapped in cloth. She watched with uneasy eyes as I shoved it into one of the large pockets on the coat.
“Thank you…” I stumbled over whether to use her name or call her “ma’am.” She didn’t seem to notice.
“Rayne, if you have to use it, one thing is very important. You mustn’t hesitate.”
Her words rung in my ears as I rushed home, back through the cold night, both glad for, and annoyed by, the bright lights around the bunker. They lit my way but also illuminated my face enough that more people recognized me. The gun was heavy in my pocket, the weight of it burning my thigh every time it bumped against it as I jogged. I told myself it was a good thing, at least I had a chance, over and over, trying to drown out the anxiety around the weapon that threatened to consume me.
The exercise was cathartic after too long stuck inside, and I vowed to do it more, though I knew perhaps next time I should take someone with me. Pearce Tower loomed ahead like a beacon, beautiful and resplendent, elegant even flanked by other impressive structures.
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I slipped by the doormen with little more than an exchange of glances. The elevator came in moments and I was eager to be back on the thirteenth floor, to hide the gun deep in the back of Scarlett’s closet in the spot I had already chosen, and just forget it existed.
The doors opened, a soft ding announcing my arrival. I hoped Jade and Cami were still as occupied as they had been when I had left, though perhaps being a little quieter about it.
I stepped into the foyer. All the breath was knocked out of me as something collided with me, slamming me back against the wall. Panic shot through me, spilling into my veins and bleeding away as I looked up to see who had accosted me.
“Where have you been?”
Scarlett was frantic, caught somewhere between staring me down and checking me over, her hands like vises around the tops of my arms as she held me there.
I sucked in a breath, still winded from her rough handling.
“Scarlett…”
“Where were you?”
Her grip loosened marginally, but not enough. I tried to pull away, but she held me tight.
“Do you have any idea what I thought had happened to you?”
Intensity burned bright in her eyes, her face too close to mine, and I tasted her fear. I understood I had scared her, but I could also feel her annoyance at my leaving, something darker and possessive, and tonight, I wasn’t in the mood to submit to it.
“I went for a walk.”
I pushed against her and she let me go, seeming to come back to herself. She followed me as I moved past her. With the gun still in my pocket I wanted nothing more than to be left alone to hide it.
“You can’t just run off into the city.”
Something was off about her, something was wrong, and it clung to her like smog. I slipped out of the coat and hung it in the closet for now, relieved to have the weapon off my actual person at least, then I turned to face her. Her irises swam slightly, dazzling green and rich brown, and my heart fell.
“You’ve been drinking.”
I didn’t mean liquor. The disappointment that I wasn’t enough for her, the jealousy, the feelings of inadequacy crashing over me, drowned me unexpectedly and completely.
“Don’t look at me like that. I needed more than you’re able to…donate.”
There was a softness to her voice, but she was on edge, and the way she glossed over the topic, the lack of apology, cut me even more. I tried to rise above, to tell myself it was childish, impractical to want to be everything to her, but some things were sacred, and for me, sharing blood was one of them.
The betrayal rankled and hot on its heels was the guilt. I knew whoever she had fed from was dead. I tried not to imagine faces—Zoe, Joseph, Hannah—a sick carousel of people I knew from the Fringe cycling through my head as I wondered who had died to sate her.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.” The words were immature even to my ears, but I couldn’t keep them in.
She let out a breath, still watching me intently.
“Rayne, I need to be strong, the strongest I’ve ever been, and to do that I have to feed, a lot.”
I moved to sit on the bed, the previous days of distance between us cast in an entirely new light. I wondered how many more nights she had been out drinking and killing. I struggled with the laces on my boots, my cold fingers still slightly numb, before they were batted away and more nimble ones unfastened the knots with ease. She looked up at me from her knees, her bottom lip drawn in between her teeth. I could feel there was something else she needed to say, and selfishly I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted to be left alone to the tears that were becoming increasingly hard to fight.
“Princess…” Her voice was scratchy, more so than usual, and she cleared her throat before she continued, “Are you mad?”
I swallowed hard, a hot lump in my throat. I didn’t think anger was exactly the right word for what I was feeling, but I wasn’t sure what was.
“Not mad, no…”
She looked up at me. Thick lashes, dark crimson lipstick and heavy makeup made her the Scarlett she was out there. When she spoke, her voice was hard again, cold.
“There was an announcement tonight. The Government has set a date for your turning. They’re making an event of it to force my hand.”
My eyes found hers, my own insecurity momentarily forgotten in the face of a much bigger problem.
“It’s the day after tomorrow.”
Chapter Thirteen
SHE PACED, A frantic back and forth for the rest of the night. I was convinced she was going to wear a hole in the carpet. Our five days had just become less than two. Scarlett had told me to get some rest, helping me into some sleep clothes and tucking me under the covers when I didn’t move on my own.
I lay still and quiet, caught between waking and uneasy dreams. The sound of voices filtered in and out as she talked with Jade, with Camilla, the reality of the situation settling over us all. We were out of time.
The first time I asked her she had ignored me, and through the course of the night, watching her pace herself into a frenzy, the reaction was more and more negative every time I tried to suggest she should just turn me.
I honestly didn’t want to be a vampire now. I had watched Jade struggle too many times, seen the torment in ten-year-old Scarlett’s eyes. The government scared me. Wilfred Pearce terrified me. The blood, the death, and even Vires itself was frightening to me; the thought of losing our connection was so painful it made my teeth ache. More than all of that, though, I feared losing her. The more frenzied Scarlett became the less she controlled her emotions and the clearer picture I got of where she was mentally. This was not a fight I was sure she could win.
By the time the sun crested the horizon she was still. As she perched on the edge of her vanity, her eyes were haunting, set to blazing gold as she watched the sun rise outside. I noticed she’d discarded her clothes sometime during the night. Only thin black lace covered her, her mahogany hair wild, and death in her eyes.
“Scarlett…”
I’d been awake for hours. I couldn’t sit any longer and watch her break.
She didn’t answer so I pulled back the covers, leaving the warmth of the bed for the coolness of her skin. I padded across the floor to stand between her knees, my fingers brushing smooth tan skin.
“Baby…” The word was soft, and she closed her eyes, leaning into the fingers I wound through her hair. When she opened them, she was looking at me.
“Just turn me…please?”
She tried to look away, but I caught her chin. The movement made her breath catch, and I marveled at her in that moment—beautiful and tormented, and mine.
“Make me like you…please?”
Finally, I had accepted my fate. Wilfred’s words that strange day on the fifteenth floor had stayed with me, followed me, and haunted me more than I had admitted, even to myself. Like this I was a burden, and I was going to be the burden that cost her everything. The future was uncertain, the path descending into darkness, bloodiness I wasn’t ready for, but was ready to accept. I wouldn’t let her die for me.
She still didn’t respond. I leaned in and kissed her softly, my lips featherlight against hers until she came to life beneath them, closing her fingers tight around my throat.
“You want to be like me?”
She dipped her eyes to my neck and my heart beat a dizzying staccato in response. She was terrified, half-crazy with the days and weeks spent pushing herself toward a hurdle even she didn’t believe she could clear. She loved me, but in that moment, it was a bruising kind of love, dark and claiming. Her grip tightened, making it hard to breathe.
“Yes…”
I wanted to be good enough for her, and I wanted her to live. Maybe I couldn’t be the person standing beside her like Wilfred had wanted, but perhaps as a vampire I could be something better, something just as strong as her, equal and opposite and tempering.
“Just do it.”
I ground the words out, a
nd no sooner had they left me than we were flying backward. My back hit the mattress before she was hovering above me, her eyes wild. She tore at her wrist with an abandon I had never seen, chunks of flesh hanging messily from the wound, blood running in a bright trail down her dark skin. She pressed it against my mouth.
“Are you ready for this to be the last time?”
She asked the question against my neck, and I wasn’t, I would never be ready to give up being with her like this.
Wet droplets were running down my neck, soaking my chest, and I didn’t know if they were tears or blood, or both. Her bare legs were tangled with mine, the long sleep shirt I wore pulled up around my hips as she pressed our bodies together.
“If I bite you, there’s no going back.”
I felt the press of her teeth against my neck.
“Tell me to do it…”
The words were almost a growl and I felt her tears, tasted them in my blood-filled mouth more than I saw them.
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to this, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my life as a human, but more than anything, I knew I would never be ready to say goodbye to Scarlett.
I wanted to drink from her forever, acutely aware it was the last time. Instead, I forced myself to yank her mangled wrist away from my mouth. My fingers were covered in blood, and it was thick and sticky and cool on my lips, my chin. She looked down at me like the sight was a revelation.
“Change me, Scarlett. Like this, just you and me, our choice.”
I felt it coming, everything building in her head, her chest, the fear, the pain, the anger, the love, and the dark. The weight of it stole my breath. Her lust for this moment, all the ways she had wanted it, they swallowed me.
She pulled her wrist away from me, using that hand instead to hold my chin. We studied each other for a long moment, and I watched the bloody tears roll down her cheeks, acutely aware these would be my last moments, my last memories of my human life. I couldn’t think of a more beautiful way to spend them.
She bit me. It was hard and deep, and her mouth was flush against me, the pain white hot and so much more than I expected, but it filled me up, the strangled scream from my mouth as pornographic as it was pained. This was everything I had ever wanted.
