by Dee Lestari
Eko stared at him in disbelief. “Man! If you’re really not gay, you’re a straight guy who doesn’t know what’s what! How many weekends has she spent in Bandung just so she can be with you? And here you are, shutting yourself up in your bear cave while she makes the effort to track you down! What are you not sure about?”
Keenan shook his head. “Dunno. It’s just that there’s something that doesn’t feel . . . right.”
Eko flung his arms above his head. “I give up. I give up! The fact is, if you really don’t have any feelings for Wanda, don’t leave her hanging—and don’t get her hopes up. You’re not being fair to her.”
In the end the cousins went out to eat and didn’t talk about the matter again. But when Eko went home, Keenan sat in his room, lost in thought. For the first time, he was forced to confront how he really felt about Wanda.
That night, Wanda worked up the courage to drive to Keenan’s place alone, without Eko or Noni to guide her. She hoped the whole way that she wouldn’t get lost. Finally, she arrived, smiling when she reached the front gate. She couldn’t wait to share the good news.
Before she went to Keenan’s room, Wanda remembered to check herself in a mirror. Tonight she was dressed all in red, with a denim miniskirt that showed off her long legs. Her makeup was still immaculate. Everything was perfect.
She knocked on the door cautiously. “Keenan? It’s me, Wanda,” she called out sweetly.
Seconds passed. The door opened. It was Keenan. He had just bathed and was wearing a white collared shirt. He greeted her with a wide smile. Suddenly, Wanda couldn’t breathe.
“Hi, Wanda. You look beautiful,” he said.
Wanda blushed. She couldn’t help but smile. “You look very handsome as well.”
“Red and white. Together, we’re the national flag! Someone should hoist us up a flagpole.” Keenan laughed. “Come in. I have a surprise for you.”
Wanda giggled. “A surprise? For me?”
Instead of answering, Keenan covered Wanda’s eyes and steered her toward the canvas. Only then did he take his hands away.
For a long time, Wanda didn’t move. She stared at the painting, barely blinking.
“Do you like it? I just finished it.”
“Keenan . . . this is it,” whispered Wanda. “This is the real you.”
“What do you mean?”
Wanda pressed her hand to her chest. Her heart was filled with awe. “Oh, gosh. Dad is going to change his tune when he sees this painting.”
“Why? What did your dad say about my paintings before?”
“Oh, no. Dad likes your paintings. But he said you still have a lot of digging to do in order to unlock your potential and find your”—Wanda looked uneasy—“your signature style. Your X factor. Your true defining quality. And in my opinion, you’ve finally found it.”
“Wait. Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
Quickly, Wanda smiled and took Keenan’s hand. “I have more important news for you. Ready?”
Keenan nodded.
Standing on tiptoe, she whispered in Keenan’s ear, “Your paintings—the ones in our gallery—they sold out. All four of them.” Wanda slipped a check into his hand, made out to him from the Warsita Gallery.
This time, Keenan was rendered speechless. He tried to comprehend what Wanda had just said, but he couldn’t. Keenan repeated the words in his head. Your paintings . . . all four of them . . . sold out. He knew exactly what this meant. It was impossible to describe how happy he felt. The final step in realizing his dreams was now complete.
Slowly, Keenan extricated his fingers from Wanda’s and gave her a heartfelt hug. “Thanks for giving me this chance,” he whispered. “I don’t know what to say.”
Wanda leaned in, burying herself deeper in Keenan’s arms. “This is more than enough,” she whispered softly.
Keenan and Wanda decided to eat dinner at a restaurant overlooking Bandung. It was situated among the mountains and had a view of the city lights. Even though they were sitting inside the restaurant, they could still feel gusts of piercing cold wind blowing against their skin.
“You’re freezing, aren’t you?” Keenan asked. He had noticed Wanda rubbing her bare knees.
Wanda nodded. “Pretty much. Could I sit closer to you?”
Before he could say another word, Wanda was at his side, wrapping her arms around his waist. His body tensed. Wanda was now pressed to him like a joey in a kangaroo pouch.
“Ehm.” He cleared his throat. “I was going to say, if you really are freezing, you can have my jacket.”
“Never mind. This is warmer,” Wanda answered as she tightened her embrace.
Keenan couldn’t argue with this. But the stiffness of his posture signaled his discomfort.
Wanda was beginning to get the message. She loosened her hold. “Are you okay? Do you feel uncomfortable being seen as a couple in public?”
Keenan immediately removed Wanda’s arms. “Wanda, I’m so sorry,” he said, choosing his words carefully. “I don’t want you to misunderstand. But I don’t think we ever said we were a couple.”
Wanda’s expression changed and she shifted away from him. “Well, don’t all romantic relationships begin with talking things out? I thought that the two of us were really . . .” Wanda faltered midsentence and her eyes filled with tears. “Have I been embarrassing myself? So you aren’t attracted to me?”
“It’s not that!” Keenan exclaimed. “How can I not be attracted to you? You’re kind, you’re thoughtful, and you’ve helped me so much. But do we really want to go straight into a serious relationship?”
Wanda’s lips suddenly clamped shut. Her jaw clenched. “I’ve worked so hard for you and your paintings. Every word you’re saying is breaking my heart.”
Keenan moved toward her and Wanda jumped in surprise. Gazing deep into her eyes, he asked, “Have you been helping me all this time because of my paintings—or because of me?”
Wanda swallowed, trying hard to stop herself from trembling. “Keenan, I’m a professional,” she whispered. “Your paintings are fantastic, your prospects are extraordinary—even more than you know. But all of that has nothing to do with how I feel.”
Keenan’s piercing gaze didn’t waver. “So, how do you feel?”
Wanda summoned the courage to look him in the eyes. There was no turning back now. “I’m in love with you,” she declared.
Keenan felt something stir in his heart. His gaze softened. He had been trying to plumb the depths of those eyes for a long time, looking past the colored contacts in search of something he hadn’t yet found. He was looking for sincerity, and though he couldn’t be absolutely certain, he felt there was something new about Wanda. Something that wasn’t there before.
“So, how do you feel?” Wanda asked.
It was Keenan’s turn to swallow.
The flickering candles bathed Kugy’s face in a golden glow. The night sky, the dim lighting under the canopy in the restaurant, and the candlelight all made her look very beautiful to Josh, who had been staring at her for some time now. But her face also looked mournful. She was gazing off into the distance.
“What are you thinking about?”
Kugy was startled. But when she saw Josh’s scowl, she tried to smile. “What’s wrong? I daydream too much, don’t I? Sorry, Josh. I’ve been a bit out of it.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No.” Kugy shook her head. “Or to be honest, I don’t know. It’s just that I’ve been feeling weird recently.”
“Does it have something to do with me?”
Kugy regarded Josh for a long time before answering. “No.”
“I feel like we haven’t been spending enough quality time together. I really want for us to go somewhere. Maybe a vacation.”
“You mean to Singapore?” Kugy looked puzzled. “I told you I don’t want to go.”
“No. We don’t have to go all the way to Singapore. But what about Bali?”
“Just the two of u
s?”
“We can go with friends. The Jakarta crowd would love to come along. One thing’s for sure: we can really relax over there, have fun—”
“I don’t have the money,” Kugy said. “I have my savings, but I can’t spend it on a vacation. I’m saving up to buy a laptop.”
Suddenly, Josh placed something on the table. Kugy squinted. Two plane tickets.
“You bought me a ticket?”
“Now you have no excuse,” declared Josh, before breaking into a smile.
“When are we leaving?”
“At the beginning of next month. We’ll take off on Friday, come home on Sunday. I’ll drive you back from Jakarta. The point is, everything’s taken care of. All you have to do is bring a bag and yourself.”
Kugy took a deep breath. She saw Josh’s hopeful expression.
Not giving up, Josh picked up the tickets and held them to his forehead. He looked at her pitifully, like a puppy dog who’d lost its mother. “Please? Woof, woof . . .”
Kugy laughed—and nodded.
It was almost midnight by the time the black sedan pulled into the hotel parking lot in Ciumbuleuit, where Wanda was staying. Keenan accompanied her into the lobby. The flames in the fireplace were beginning to burn low. No one else was there and the sofas were empty. The grand piano, whose tinkling music had been playing all night, was now locked shut.
“You can go up to your room,” said Keenan. “I’ll wait here. My taxi will arrive soon.”
Wanda shook her head. “I’d rather freeze here than lose a moment with you.”
“Next time, remember this is Bandung. It’s colder in the mountains than it is in Jakarta. The only people who should be wearing a miniskirt on a night like this are the ladyboys on Jalan Veteran—they’re tough and know how to stand the cold.”
“Oh, you. You’re so unromantic,” Wanda complained with a playful pout.
Keenan chuckled. “I’m just reminding you. Next time you should wear long pants. And bring a jacket or a sweater.”
“When will next time be?” Wanda asked flirtatiously.
Keenan pretended to think. His expression was mischievous. “Hmm. Next Saturday night?”
Wanda beamed. She moved closer and draped her arms around Keenan’s neck. “So, we’re a couple?”
Keenan gave her a small smile. Gently, he pulled her arms away and gave her fingers a slow kiss. “We’ll take it slow, okay?”
Though the fireplace was several yards away, Wanda’s eyes shone brightly. The coldness of the night vanished as happiness spread through her whole body, filling her with warmth.
Keenan’s taxi pulled up in front of the lobby. He was just about to turn and leave when Wanda grabbed his hand.
“You know what?” Wanda said softly. “You don’t have to go back to your boarding house tonight. You can stay here with me.”
Keenan smiled, then kissed her forehead gently. “Slowly, Wanda.”
Soon afterward, the taxi pulled away from the hotel. Wanda was still standing in the same place, motionless. She was so happy she felt as if she were going to shoot through the roof. Suddenly she remembered something. Noni. She had to call Noni. Right away.
CHAPTER 16
FALSE HOPES
Kugy reached into her pocket, drew out a small key, and unlocked the boarding house gate. She had anticipated how late she would return and had offered to lock the gate for the night so no one would have to wait up.
The rooms down the length of the corridor were already dark, and the blinds in the windows, which looked out into the hallway, were already drawn. But she saw the light on in Noni’s room. And she heard Noni’s distinctive high-pitched voice speaking to someone and shrieking excitedly.
She was just about to open the door to her room when Noni emerged. Her friend’s eyes were wide and alert, as if she’d just eaten some spicy rujak. “Kugy! Guess what just happened? This very night? Oh gosh, I shouldn’t make so much noise, should I? But I can’t help myself!”
“Do you need to pee or something?” asked Kugy, watching Noni bob up and down.
“No, silly. I just got off the phone with Wanda. Oh, I’m so happy.” Noni laughed. “Wanda and Keenan are officially going out. I don’t know the details, but Wanda finally asked Keenan where they stood. I know, right? Guys these days. They make everything so hard. Tell me, why didn’t Keenan take the lead? He really is a strange creature—like you. Can’t guess what he’s thinking.” At this point, Noni took a much-needed breath.
Kugy felt a bitter taste in her mouth. Her heart raced as she waited for Noni to continue.
“So, Wanda asks Keenan what’s going on, right? And then, get this. Keenan says, ‘It’s impossible for me not to be attracted to you.’ I know, right? Keenan is so cute! I got goosebumps just hearing about it. And then they go back to the lobby of Wanda’s hotel. Can you believe it? How romantic!” Noni pressed her hands to her cheeks. “A fireplace! With nobody else around! Just the two of them! Oh boy, Eko’s in trouble! He’s never taken me anywhere like that. The only place we go is the Hunger No Longer.”
“Then what?” Kugy demanded.
“They’re a couple,” said Noni happily. “Ta-da! The project was a success! I was born to matchmake!” She did a little dance.
Kugy felt a small part of her evaporate into nothingness. “Then what?”
“Aren’t you going to congratulate me or something?” Noni asked.
“Congrats. You’re the Matchmaker of the Millennium. But what happened next?”
“Use your imagination. In a romantic place like that, complete with fireplace, the two of them alone and in love. What more is there to ask?” Noni looked irritated. The coldness of Kugy’s response surprised her. “You’re not excited? This was our project after all.”
Kugy shook her head. “This was yours and Eko’s project, remember? But yeah, I’m happy for you, I guess.” She spoke curtly. “I’m going to bed. I’m beat. Nite-nite.” Without waiting for any further reaction from Noni, Kugy went into her room and closed the door.
She didn’t even have the energy to turn on the light. She stood in the dark, motionless. The afternoon at the Warsita Gallery passed through her mind—when she and Keenan had been watching Wanda from afar. If I were a guy, I’d be stupid not to like Wanda, she’d murmured. There are stupid guys, he’d murmured back.
Kugy shook her head. She must have misheard him. That, or she’d been mistaken. The afternoon beneath the banyan tree near the chili field passed through her mind—when Keenan had told her he missed her. She remembered how he had looked at her. Then Kugy shook her head. Her eyes must have deceived her. Or again, she’d been mistaken. Then that evening outside the gate passed through her mind—when he had embraced her, their hearts beating together as one. Kugy shook her head. She must have been wrong. All this time she’d been wrong.
Finally her memory came to rest on the words Keenan had whispered, which she had treasured and thought about almost every night. The words, which refreshed her heart without fail: This moon. This journey. Us. Kugy shook her head again. That same moon was in the night sky now, but how different she felt. Just thinking about it made her eyes burn. Kugy wiped the wetness from her eyes. Once. Twice. But however many times she wiped them away, the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.
July 2000
The color screen on Wanda’s cell phone lit up. Her face brightened, like the sun at high noon. The door to her room had been ajar, but she closed it hastily. She wanted to enjoy this call without being disturbed.
“Hey, babe. Whatcha doing? I miss you already. I’m in my room, daydreaming. Why don’t you come over?” Wanda laughed lightly. “Just kidding, sweetie. Stay in Bandung and work hard on your paintings. I want to arrange an exhibition for you soon.”
Keenan laughed as well. “That’s exactly why I called!”
Wanda’s laughter faded. “So, you’re only calling me on business?”
Keenan laughed again. “Don’t be so sensitive. Just think of it as me bein
g professional.”
“Fine,” she snapped. “What do you want to talk about?”
“I’ve been thinking about what you said—about my latest painting having a different quality to it. I feel the same way. I just want to get your opinion. What if I made a series of paintings around the same theme?”
“Good idea.” Her tone was curt.
“I have a completely new perspective on things since knowing my work has sold so well. I feel confident that this is the right path to take.”
Wanda sat up straight. “What path are you talking about?”
“I just want to paint. I think it’s time to consider becoming completely financially independent. Once this semester is over, I’m going to talk to Dad about discontinuing my studies.”
“Keenan, do you know what that means?” asked Wanda. Now her tone was serious. “You’ll have to depend entirely on proceeds from selling your paintings. You can’t just fool around.”
“I’m not fooling around,” Keenan insisted.
“And I’m not fooling around about your exhibition,” continued Wanda. “You have to produce around twenty paintings, thirty if possible.”
The very thought of an exhibition sent adrenaline pumping through Keenan’s veins. His excitement mounted. “All right. I can do that,” he answered decisively.
“I’ll give you six months. And for your sake, I’ll extend the break I’m taking from my own studies for another semester.”
She could hear Keenan let out a long breath.
“Wanda, you’ve already done so much to help me. Sometimes, I feel guilty—”
“This is how I am,” Wanda said. “When I love someone and believe in them, I won’t do things by halves. I’m not asking for anything. Just . . . love me. Okay?”
There was silence on the other end.
“Keenan?” Wanda asked. “Don’t you have anything to say?”
“Sorry,” he answered finally. “I’m at a loss for words, that’s all.”
“It’s okay. I’ve grown used to it. You probably only know how to express yourself when you’re standing in front of a canvas. Not when you’re talking to me.” Wanda said this with some sarcasm.
