She had gotten her daughter white wicker furniture, and she chose for herself dark mahogany, a sleigh bed, and two dressers with end tables. She still needed some lamps for the bedrooms and a nice coffee table, or a trunk for the living room that would give extra storage. She had not purchased a TV or TV stand yet. That could wait a few weeks though. She had plenty to keep her busy.
She was lost in thought, when Victor and Monica returned. They looked flushed. She had a feeling she knew what they were doing in the backyard.
“Anything else, we can do?” Monica asked.
Not wanting to because she could see these two wanted to escape and be alone, but wanting to get it done quickly because her own energy was waning, she asked, “If you can help me unload the car that would be great, then you can go.” Victor was already moving towards the front door before she finished talking, and both Monica and Louisa shared a laugh over that one. “Anxious, is he?” Lou teased as Monica nodded and blushed. “Thanks Monica.” As they walked to her car trailing after Victor. “It meant a lot to me that you came to help today.”
“No problem, Lou. I was . . . we were glad to help,” Monica corrected.
Lou was unpacking, and had emptied several boxes and was finishing hanging up her clothes in the closet when Jay arrived. He brought sandwiches from a local deli. He was impressed that they had gotten it all done including the ceilings, and Lou explained that Victor had shown up to help.
“You’ve got some great friends, Lou. The place looks great with all the furniture in it. The colors you picked are perfect.”
“Thanks,” she took the deli bag from him, and got up on tip toe to kiss him. “Want a beer?” she offered.
“Absolutely.” Lou made her way to the fridge. It was a nice size, and although it had a scratch along the side, it was brand new, but cost her a fraction of the price. She still had plenty of money for the extras, and enough to put some away for repairs as needed.
Jay was peering into her room, and turned at the sound of her feet pattering on the wood floor behind him. “We’ll try that bed out later,” he teased and took the beer from her.
“Absolutely,” she teased using his own word from seconds earlier against him.
“And that couch, and that table, and that . . . ,” Lou was laughing until tears streamed down her face by the time they reached the kitchen to eat as he had rattled off a list that included all her new appliances and furniture, every surface on the house, every room and every closet.
The next few weeks flew by for Louisa. She had lots to keep her busy. Jay was over almost every night helping her hang pictures, curtains and drapes. He replaced all the ceiling fans, and he had found an adorable small chandelier that he hung in her bathroom of all places. He had found it at the flea market and gave it to her as a housewarming present. She had thanked him, and said he didn’t need to give her gifts, after all he was doing all this work for her. He laughed and said it was nothing, he liked to keep busy, and he always ended by letting her know just how she could thank him later. Yes, having Jay as a neighbor was proving to be oh so very convenient. He has handy, and he was handy!
Lou felt like her luck had finally turned. In just six months, she had gotten all of her hopes and wishes for the future, and soon her daughter would be arriving. She went crazy shopping for her daughter’s room, wanting it to be perfect. She found a beautiful silver-grey coverlet with little crystals sewed into the spread. It was so chic looking and she knew her daughter would love it. The matching drapes hung in her room and looked perfect with the lavender. They were her daughter’s favorite colors.
She was getting very excited to see Veronica, who was in the middle of her semester exams. It had been nearly six months since she had seen her, the longest she had ever gone without seeing her child. They talked a few times a week, but it was nothing compared to holding her daughter even though she was twenty now, having had her birthday last week. In a few months she would be thirty six as well.
Louisa had sent her flowers to her dorm room, and sent her a money order for one hundred dollars. For Christmas, she had splurged and bought her daughter a new laptop, even though she didn’t have one herself. Her daughter needed it more. The old one Veronica had taken to school with her last year had carried her all the way through high school as well. It had definitely been time for an upgrade.
Lou couldn’t believe Christmas was almost upon them. Almost everything seemed right in the world. Ana and Teddy were completely in love. She was happy for her friend who deserved this happiness more than anyone she knew. Even little, shy quiet Monica barely came up for air. Victor kept her busy, and from what she heard from Ana and Francine, Victor was doting on her, and treating her like a princess trying to make up for some of the stupid decisions he had made in the past.
Both of the girls spent a lot of time in Tampa being with their respective boyfriends and meeting and getting acquainted with their families. She talked to Ana almost daily, and they always met for coffee on Friday during Lou’s lunch break as Ana didn’t work on Fridays. Monica sometimes joined them if her planning period at school was on a Friday as well.
Yes, things were almost perfect, she thought as she finished putting on the spread she had just purchased. Lou made her way into the living room, and flicked on her “new used” television. She was done spending for a while. She found an old rerun channel and watched an old episode of Roseanne, laughing out loud because in some ways the character reminded her of Jay. There was something to be said about a person with verbal diarrhea.
Jay would be coming soon, she guessed, as she looked at the clock, and she was just beginning to smell the tell-tale smells of dinner being almost ready. She had made a small roast, with potatoes and carrots. Jay really liked her cooking. He didn’t cook much, unless it was cooking on the grill, which he enjoyed doing. But Lou, didn’t have a grill yet. She was waiting for some good sales to come along in the spring. Jay had confessed he survived on hamburgers, sandwiches, and bagged already prepared salads.
Lou liked to cook, and she was happy to do it for him. He had done so much for her. She never had to use one of the handy men, Annie ‘O’ had recommended. For the last three weeks Jay had come over after school or work and had dinner with her. Sometimes they would go out to see a movie, or go to the beach to watch the sunset, and then they would come here and make love. And, sometimes they would just fuck. But it was always good, satisfying, and exciting. He kept it creative. He had quite the imagination. Lou had to admit, she had never imagined sex could be this good. Good, hell, it was fucking fantastic, but the problem, and the reason why everything was only nearly perfect, was that Jay never spent the night.
He had reasons, good ones, too. They both had to work the next day, or go to school. But even on the weekends he would slip out after she had fallen asleep. He would leave a note of apology. I just need my own space. Or, it would say he was restless and didn’t want to wake her. Eventually, she told him he didn’t have to leave notes any longer and that she understood.
She knew about PTSD, and was prepared for it. He told her that yes, that was part of it, and he didn’t want her having to deal with one of his episodes. She told him when he felt comfortable enough, he could stay over any time. He had thanked her for being so understanding. They hadn’t spoken of it since. But the truth was she felt Jay was holding something back, a part of him, and that worried her. It worried her a lot. He made it sound like he was protecting her, but she was beginning to want more.
As the weeks went on, and Christmas was upon them, he even seemed to become a little detached. When she asked him about his sullenness he had confessed that Christmas wasn’t his favorite holiday. She felt bad about that, as it was her favorite, and when she asked why, he had snapped that he didn’t want to talk about it, and he took Missy outside for a walk. It had been the first time he had raised his voice to her. When he returned an hour later, he pretended the scene had never happened.
There was one other thing as well
. Jay never seemed to want to accompany her on any shopping trips, even if it was to the grocery store. He offered her money for food, which she rejected as he paid whenever they went out to eat. After she had pleaded one time for him to accompany her to pick out the ceiling fan because she wanted his opinion, he had admitted that it was because he didn’t like being in a car. He felt it too confining. Too confining? When she had asked why, he had kissed her. She saw fear in his eyes and had asked her to please not ask him about that. Anything but that. He was keeping secrets.
The look in his eyes, had been frightened, and so she respected his wishes. He held her for a while after that, after she said okay, and gently stroked his cheek. She felt his heart thudding in his chest. When he had composed himself and his grip on her loosened as he had been holding her very tight, he had whispered, “I’ll go with you if you really want my opinion, but I’ll follow you on my bike. Okay?”
She had agreed and reassured him she really did want his opinion, so now when she needed her car to carry items home, he would follow on his motorcycle. The trips to the store and shopping were much more enjoyable with Jay along for company, even if the drive over was a bit strange and awkward.
One time at the grocery store, he had taken his own cart, and he had kept rear ending her with his, until she practically peed herself laughing. She had to abandon her cart, and leave it while he laughed at her because she had to run down the aisle to the back of the store to use the restroom.
Shaking off those thoughts, Lou shut the television and put on some music to accompany dinner, and set to work setting the table. She loved the dishes she had found at Big Lots, a local discount store. They were a nice heavy ceramic in a butter cream hue, adorned with green ivy. She had picked it up because it not only matched her kitchen and living room scheme, but had reminded her of Jay’s tattoo. He hadn’t commented on them when she mentioned it.
Lou heard Jay’s motorcycle pull up in the driveway. Today, he would be tired. On Thursdays he worked at the airport, and put in ten hours. She was glad she had made her roast. He had loved it the last time she had prepared it, with the baby potatoes and carrots. She had also tossed a salad earlier to accompany it. She put a cold beer before Jay’s plate, but she felt like a glass of wine tonight, and so put a wine glass out for herself. A nice red zinfandel would be good, she thought and went back to the refrigerator to get one of the three bottles she had inside.
Jay came in through the front door as she was pulling the roast out of the oven. He looked tired, but still looked incredible to her. He had gone home to shower, as he usually did, and tonight he wore a grey t-shirt that fit his physique snugly, and he wore the silver and black cross with the pewter chain his father had given him last Christmas. His black jeans too, hugged his hips, and sculpted his incredibly shaped thighs. God, he was a sight. “That smells fantastic, Lou. I’m starved,” he admitted as he tossed his keys on the counter.
“I made the roast again with the little potatoes that you liked,” Lou called out over her shoulder lifting the baking dish out of the oven. She placed it on the counter to cool a bit before serving. “Ten minutes, okay? Unless you want your salad now.”
“No, that’s okay. I’ll wait,” he said coming around to her side of the kitchen island and planted a kiss on her that made her yearn for more.
With her eyes still closed, Jay backed away and smiled at the picture she made, all breathless for him, and yet something made him pull back anyhow, and he left her to go to retrieve his beer on the table.
“How was your day?” he asked Lou as she began moving the roast and potatoes onto the serving platter.
“Great, work was good. I spoke to Veronica today. She is so excited and she’ll be here in a week.” Lou practically tap danced her way to the refrigerator to grab the salad bowl and some dressing to go along with it. She carried it to the table as Jay sat down. “She admitted she missed me, and told me she loved me. She doesn’t do that a lot anymore being all grown up and all, but it is so nice for a mother to hear.”
“I’m sure it is,” Jay responded monotonously. He said the appropriate words, but Lou noticed the lack of feeling in them, and took another sip of his beer.
“After work, I stopped by Marshall’s. I got that grey-silver comforter with the tiny jewels on it and the drapes that matched. I couldn’t resist. I want it to be perfect.”
“I’m sure she will love it,” he muttered lifting his beer again. Lou gave him a look. His tone was a bit unusual, but not knowing what it was, and not wanting to ask when he looked so tired, she chose to ignore it and continued on with her day’s events.
“Yes, she will. It is one of her favorite colors. It looks amazing, I set it up in her room already, and with the lavender it looks amazing and kind of picks up the colors. Oh well, enough of that, but you should go look. It really does look great.”
“I’ll look later. I think I will start my salad now,” Jay murmured and began to give himself a hefty portion.
“Sure, sure,” Lou mumbled wondering what was bothering him. “Anyhow, she has finals this week and she was feeling pretty confident that she would excel in them. She is so glad she changed her major to forest sciences. She’s always been an outdoor girl. She loves biking, hiking and fishing. Maybe you can take her, you love to fish. You mentioned that, and I’ve seen all your poles and tackle of at your place.”
“I like to fish alone.” His statement was curt and polite, but yet there was an edge to it.
She couldn’t keep quiet any longer. “Jay is something bothering you?” she asked frankly putting down the carving knife she was using to slice the beef.
To Lou’s dismay and bewilderment, he jerked up out of his seat, sending his chair crashing back onto the wall, and pushed his salad plate forcefully away from him sending lettuce flying across the table. “I’m just not in the fucking mood to hear about your daughter again tonight. Okay?” He stormed across the room and began to pace holding his temples.
Lou took a step back, frightened by his behavior. It struck a chord in her, and she backed up to the counter behind her.
“Your daughter this and your daughter that. I’m not in the mood, okay? Don’t you understand!” his gaze swung around the room and he looked wild. He wanted to hit something, and paced the living room like a caged man. Lou became instantaneously terrified. Her ex, Robert, immediately popped into her mind, and she began backing away.
“Always about your fucking daughter. God damn it, Lou,” he yelled. He couldn’t focus, and he tried to catch his breath. He knew he was rambling and didn’t even realize what he was saying, and forced himself to stop, and try to focus. Where was Lou? He peered across the room until he spotted her. It was like he had tunnel vision and could only see directly in front of him. His chest felt tight. Focus, he told himself. Get control. He saw her then cowering, and realized what had happened. He took a step towards her, “Lou . . .”he moaned reaching his hand out towards her. He took a step in her direction, stopped when a wave of pain shot through his head, he breathed, focused, and took another step.
He saw her edge away from him.
He held his hands out and she saw pain in his eyes, but she also saw frustration and it scared her. She had seen that look before.
“Lou . . . ,” he took another tentative step towards her and she backed away again.
“I – think you’d better go, Jay.” Her voice was full of fear. He heard it shake.
“Lou . . .” he stated. “I can explain. Just give me a moment.” He took another step. There was more pain.
“No, stop right there,” Lou put her hand out to stop him. “Please, don’t take one step closer.” Her voice was rising shrilly. He had never heard her sound like that before and it scared him. He didn’t understand.
“But, I can explain. Let me explain,” he pleaded.
“Explain from over there,” she demanded and scrambled back a few more steps.
“I had a rough day,” he started lamely. She wasn’t buy
ing it. He saw the look in her eyes. “It’s an anxiety attack. PTSD. I told you I have this from time to time.” How could he explain it to her to make her understand? “I never wanted you to see me like this.” He grabbed the sides of his head. Pain shot through again temporarily blinding him. He shut his eyes momentarily.
“Why now? What triggered it? My dad had PTSD, remember!” Lou’s voice sounded so far away, so doubtful. “I know loud noises brings it on, night terrors. We were just having a conversation. I made no sudden noises, I wasn’t wielding a gun,” she asked backing up. She looked terrified of him and it killed Jay to see her react to him that way.
Jay was trying to get through the episode, but her reaction made no sense. It made it worse. He took several breaths like his counselors had told him to. He tried to focus on a spot above her head, a focal point. He looked at that spot on the wall behind her. She had taken another step back, “Why do you keep backing away, Lou?” he asked. “I won’t hurt you.” How could he tell her his PTSD wasn’t from the war? How could he tell her he had killed his wife and unborn child? How do you tell the woman you were falling in love with that? He just repeated the words again to make her believe it, or was it him, he didn’t know. “I promise I won’t hurt you.”
“You won’t!” she practically screamed. “You threw my chair against the wall, then you spilled the contents of your plate all over my table. You screamed at me, than began pacing wildly about the room. Then you approach me in that manner. What else am I supposed to think?”
“I wouldn’t hurt you . . . I’d never hurt anyone . . . I won’t hurt anyone ever again!” he was screaming now and the pain cut him like a knife. His wife, his child! Dead because of him. He flung himself around violently away from her, and looked so massive and menacing in her living room. He filled the space with his jerky movements. “Fuck!” he yelled at the top of his lungs screaming at the ceiling.
Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction) Page 14
