by Erin Zak
“Why are you so good to me?” I ask as I wipe the tears away. “I don’t deserve you.”
He chuckles. “No, you don’t. But I love you. I always have, and I always will.”
“Luke, honey, you need to be happy. You need to find someone.”
“Cess,” he says softly. He’s the only one who ever uses a nickname for me. There’s something comforting about the familiarity mixed with the emotion. “Let’s talk on Monday night when you get home. Okay? I’ll wait up. We can talk…like we used to.”
“Okay,” I whisper. “Are you going to dinner with her?”
“Should I?”
“Do you want to?”
“No.”
“Then don’t.” I smile. “Unless you want to tell her you already know and completely ruin her plan.”
“It would be nice to see the person who stole my wife crumble and fall.”
The way he says those words causes my stomach to plummet. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “I’m so very sorry.”
“I’ll let you know what I do.” He coughs softly. “I love you, Cess.” And the line goes dead. I pull the phone from my ear and stare at the list of calls. Willow, Willow, Willow, Luke, Willow, Willow, Jeff, Willow.
I fall backward onto the bed and lie there for a few minutes before I pick my phone up, type a text to Willow and hit Send.
Have a good dinner.
Chapter Twelve
Cecily
Willow doesn’t text back, but I get two more from Luke. One says, I’m doing it. And the other says, She is so mad I already knew. I am kind of enjoying this. I send back a heart emoji. I don’t know what else to say. He’s handling all of this better than I thought he would. If I would have known it’d be this easy, maybe I would have told him years ago.
Or maybe not. Maybe a part of me never wanted to lose him. Knowing he’s handling the news of his wife having an affair with a woman this well almost causes me to, what? Miss him? Is that what this feeling is? God, I hope not. The fear of him having a breakdown is worrying me. Of course, if he’s known this entire time, maybe the breakdown already happened.
And I missed it.
Just like I’ve missed so many things in our life.
I don’t even know how to process the fact that Luke knows. Every time I came home late, he knew what I had been up to. He knew why I smelled different. He knew why I pulled away and rarely wanted sex. He knew why I started losing weight. He knew why I started eating again the minute Willow left. He knew. Why am I so shocked? He is the only person in my entire life who has taken the time to really get to know me.
I am so sick of living this lie. Regardless of the love we shared, I cannot continue in a marriage with a man who lets me stray just to hold on to me. It’s not fair to him, to me, to our pets, to anyone. I hate myself for doing this to us, for straying, for not talking when given the opportunity. I want badly to fix everything, but fixing things would mean staying, and staying would mean suffocating slowly, and as much as I love Luke and will always love him, I cannot handle the thought of forever with him any longer.
My forever used to be Willow. And maybe it still is. Maybe once things calm down, and she stops being so angry at me, and I stop being hurt by her, we’ll find our way back to each other.
Or maybe my forever is something else entirely. Maybe it’s Francesca.
My mind flashes to her, her smile, her hands, her beautiful curves, and I’m scared by what this could mean. I know what lust feels like. And I certainly know what love feels like. At least I thought I did…But maybe I don’t?
Could this be it?
The doorbell to the suite rings, shaking me from thoughts that are pulling me deeper and deeper into something I didn’t want or need but am enjoying more than I thought I would.
After I open the door, I blink rapidly at the sight. Francesca is lovely most of the time, but there are moments when she’s simply stunning. Her hair is down, the dark fading beautifully into loose, honey-blond curls. Her makeup is simple, but she looks fresh, clean, ready to take on whatever this night throws at us. And even though I have come to enjoy her in a short dress, I am floored by the sight of the outfit she’s wearing now.
“Hello, beautiful.” She takes her hands from the pockets of her skinny black slacks and moves a step toward me. “It’s customary to keep the staring to a minimum when we’re alone.” Her voice is soft, and I can feel her breath against my cheek, my ear, and the entire scene has me breathless.
“You look…” I start as she steps back. “I don’t even…” I am without the ability to form a coherent sentence, and the smile it causes on her face doesn’t help at all.
She laughs. “It’s just a suit.”
“Is it?” I ask, my voice still affected by my breathing. She’s wearing a suit jacket, a white shirt, and a skinny black tie and I just…I can’t.
She plays with the tie. “Are you going to let me in?”
“No.”
She laughs again. The sound is so nice. “No?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I don’t trust myself with you in that.”
“This old thing?” Her voice is layered with desire. “Like I said, it’s just a suit.”
I finally find the power to move, so I step to the side and motion for her to come in. “You can wait right there.” I point to a spot on the black tile. “I have to put my shoes on.”
She takes three strides in her black Louboutins and stops, about faces, and smiles. She wags her eyebrows, and if the sensation it causes between my legs is any indication of how the rest of this night is going to go, I’m screwed. Not literally, of course.
Well, maybe literally.
God.
“Don’t move.” I let the door close and breeze past her. I rush to put my heels on and look in the mirror on the wall near the kitchen. She can’t see me, so I lean in and check to make sure there’s nothing in my teeth. I do one last check of my makeup. I check my backside. My dress is long, dark red, with a slit up the right side to the middle of my thigh. If I move too fast, everyone could get a show. A show I don’t know if Francesca will get tickets to tonight, but a spot deep inside me is hoping.
I fluff my hair, flipping it to the left, then right, before I decide I look good.
I look damn good, actually, and for the first time in a while, I’m excited.
When I reappear in the entryway, she glances up. “You ready?”
“I am.”
She holds her hand out, and when we intertwine our fingers, I cannot fight the fact that even though lust may feel a lot like love, I’ve never felt like this before.
Francesca
Cecily looks amazing. I don’t know what it is about the deep red color against her skin, but I cannot take my eyes off her. Her hair is straight, the honey blond showing through perfectly, and she has the left side over her shoulder, the right side behind. She is owning everything about herself tonight. I can tell by how she’s gliding in her heels. I feel a sense of pride. Like, yeah, this woman is with me. She has her hand in the crook of my arm. People are staring, and I love every second of it. I don’t normally prance around the Heights with a woman. My personal life is none of my coworkers’ damn business, but tonight? With this woman? Yeah, I’m gonna fucking prance.
The restaurant Max and Armando picked is in the Encore. So we catch a ride with Jerry again, who is in awe of our beauty. I sound conceited thinking that, but it’s the truth. We look good. And we look even better together.
We don’t say much in the back seat. She has an arm draped over my legs, her hand on my knee. The position gives me perfect access to her bare upper thigh, so I slide my hand over the smooth skin and delight in her gasp.
To be honest, this is the first time I have ever waited this long to devour someone. I would have fallen into bed the first night with her, but she was too wonderful to fuck and forget. And the second night, we did fall into bed, but I refused to do anything other than kissing. I want us both to be completely sure
. Seeing her tonight, though? Standing in there in that dress when she opened the door, barefoot and glowing…it took every ounce of restraint to not rip her dress off and fuck her right there. Against the wall or on the floor, I wouldn’t have cared.
This part of my heart that’s fully invested forces me to be patient. To not let desire get in the way of my healing process. Hell, I don’t want the desire to get in the way of her healing process, either. There’s too much at stake to mess it all up with emotions I’m not sure either of us is prepared to have.
Jerry pulls up to the entrance and is around the limo before the doorman can act. I take his hand, and he pulls me from the back seat. I turn and help Cecily. I don’t want to stop touching her.
Ugh, am I turning into that type of person?
“Jerry, thank you for driving us,” Cecily says as she places her hand on his large face. “You’re a sweetheart.”
“You’re welcome, Miss Cecily. You two have fun.” He grins a dopey smile. My heart melts. I’ve known Jerry for years. He worked at Binion’s when I was there, and now here we are again, at the same casino. The size of the casino employee family is large, but we’re tight. Everyone knows everyone.
When we both move toward the entrance, all eyes are on us, as if we’re famous or something, and I stand a little taller. Cecily glances at me in the revolving door. “You okay?”
“I am.” I smile. “You?”
“I gotta admit, it seems like we’re royalty. And I’m loving it.”
I laugh. “I know, right? Being stared at is—”
“Unnerving.”
“Yes, but also fun. I mean, isn’t it?”
She giggles. The sound causes my heart to flutter. “It is, yes.”
We’ve arrived at the restaurant with a couple minutes to spare. I check in with the hostess, and she takes our menus in hand and motions for us to follow her. “Maxwell and Armando are already present,” she says with a mouse-like voice. She winds through the restaurant until we arrive at a table near the back. Both boys stand, smiles across their faces, and Armando is reaching for a hug from Cecily before he even glances at me.
Max pulls me into his muscular arms, chuckling. “Hello, gorgeous, how are you?”
He smells delicious. I pull away. “Is that the cologne I bought for you?”
“You know it.” He winks. “Looks like I was right about this chick, hmm?”
I lean back into his hug. “Yes, you were very right. She’s amazing.”
“Good,” he says, but I can only hear the muffled sound with my ear against his chest. “It’s about time I saw a real smile on your face.”
The love I have for him right this second is almost palpable. I’m struggling to hold back tears. He’s seen me at my best and at my absolute worst. To know he’s seeing me on the rise now makes me so happy to have him in my life. Having someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway is a blessing.
Mine and Armando’s, apparently. I pull away from Max’s protective hug and look him in the eye. He’s clean-shaven and beautiful. I place both hands on his cheeks. “I love you. You know that, right?”
His eyebrows rise to his hairline, and he nods against my hold. “The feeling is very mutual, Frankie.”
“Good.”
When he finally lets go, we glance at our dates. Armando has his arm around Cecily’s waist, her arm is around his shoulders, and they’re staring at us, smiles on their faces. “We were trying to decide if we should leave you two alone.” Armando chuckles. “I mean, Cecily is a dish and a half, so I’d be more than happy to take her off your hands, hermana.” His eyes are sparkling. I think he’s wearing eyeliner, and this feeling of pride bubbles inside me. He looks good. He looks really good, and it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say those words and mean them.
“Oh, dear brother, you could not handle her, I assure you.” I wink, and Cecily’s mouth falls open.
“I guarantee, I’ll give you a run for your money, Francesca, my dear.” Her comeback is quick. I’m impressed. And insanely turned on. She returns the wink as she holds out her hand. I take it, and she pulls me in. I land against her curves with a gentle nudge. I kiss her neck and realize a second afterward what I’ve done. That is the most intimate contact we’ve had in public. I pull away, sort of embarrassed, when she squeezes my hand. “I didn’t mind it. I promise.”
Her voice is soft, cradling the words as if they were an infant. “I know, I just…” Words fail me as she sits, the boys joining us, and me sitting after them. Her hand is on my knee within seconds. I have no clue why I’m suddenly so nervous, but I am, and now I’m hiding behind my menu. Gone is the confident woman with the beautiful lady on her arm.
“Look at me,” she says so quietly I can barely hear. I do as she asks, the menu still raised. “Everything you’re feeling?”
I can only nod.
“I’m feeling all of that, too. I promise.”
“So, hermana, tell me, how did you two meet?”
Before I lower my menu, Cecily smirks. “Do you want to tell him or should I?”
“Oh, I’d love to hear this,” Max says, an air of cockiness surrounding him.
I start to laugh. “You know the story, Max.”
“I don’t know her version.” He props his elbow on the table, places his chin on his palm, and stares dreamily at Cecily.
She laughs her lovely laugh, and I find myself as intrigued as Max is pretending to be. “I think the pickup line she used was that she thought I was a famous model or actress. Is that right?” She looks at me, then glances at Max and Armando. “She was smooth. Very, very smooth. And she can make one hell of a dirty martini.”
“Extra dirty. Extra olives.” I shrug. “My secret is out.”
“Either way,” she says with a sigh. “She was exactly what I needed.”
Armando chuckles. “Oh, really? Frankie? Being someone’s ‘exactly what they needed’ seems…”
“Apropos,” Max adds, still staring at Cecily. “You were definitely what Frankie needed.”
“I’m very glad we found each other, then.” She squeezes my knee, and I place my hand on hers. Her skin is so soft. My mind wanders to what the rest of her body may feel like. Her back, her chest, her breasts, her stomach… “How did you two meet?”
I snap my attention back to Armando and Max. I’m never going to make it through this dinner.
“Well, Maxwell here, he sort of rescued me.”
“Wait. What?” I’ve not heard this story. “This isn’t the version I heard.”
Max shrugs. “He asked me to not tell you.”
“Armando?” I am staring so hard, I might as well be boring holes in his eye sockets. “What happened?”
“Boris happened.”
“Armando.” I sound just like our mom, but I am filled with disappointment. I knew he had issues with a loan shark, but I had no idea it had gotten bad.
He pushes his hand through his perfectly shaped hair. He’s definitely nervous if he’s messing with it. He never has a hair out of place. “Listen, hermana, it’s not as bad as you’re thinking.” He looks from me to Max, who’s looking at me as well. “He’s paid off now. Everything is good.”
“What happened?”
Max groans. “Where the hell are the drinks?” And just like that, our server is on his way, delivering drinks for all of us. “I ordered us each a Negroni. I hope that’s okay,” Max says with a sheepish smile. “You know I love gin.”
I greedily take a sip, but before I can say a word, Cecily clears her throat and says, “Armando, are you safe?”
Max answers with a resounding “Yes.”
“Armando?” I ask. My ears are burning. “Are you?”
“Yes, I am.” He looks at Max, then to Cecily, then to me. “He had a gun to my head, Frankie. I had paid him back almost everything, but it wasn’t good enough. He…” He picks his drink up, but before he drinks he says, “I should have been dead.”
“I found them be
hind the casino when I was taking the trash out.” Max adjusts his arms, crosses them, then leans onto the table. “I gave your brother the money. I couldn’t let them do anything to him.”
“Please tell me you paid Max back already.”
“And then some.” Max smiles. “I don’t mean like that.”
Armando’s cheeks are pink. “I paid him back before I paid you and Mami, yes. I owe no one now. And I’m clean. I haven’t been near a slot machine or table game, and I feel really good. I even went to a meeting last night. Gambler’s Anonymous.”
“If you ever want someone to go with you, please call me.” My words are drenched with pleading. “I had no idea things were that bad. You can’t keep that shit from me.”
“I know. I know.”
“I’m proud of you for asking for help.”
I glance at Cecily after she says those words. She seems sincere, almost to a fault, but something about her ability to love my brother has me near tears. Again. What the hell is wrong with me? I never cried before my heart was ripped out and broken into a million pieces, and now I can’t stop.
After I threaten Armando a couple more times to ask me for help or else, we settle into an easy conversation about their relationship. They really are adorable, and as much as I know our mom and abuela will not be okay with him being with a man, I’m glad Armando is happy. Who knows if it’ll last? He may slip back into his addiction, which happens way more often than not…But Max is strong, and not just physically. He’s an emotional powerhouse with the ability to be there for people. He can fall apart with someone, but he can also hold them up if that’s what they need. And Armando has never had someone like Max. Maybe this is his shot.
I glance at Cecily as Max and Armando talk and laugh about their relationship. And I think, maybe she’s my shot.
Cecily
Having dinner with Max and Armando is the first time I’ve actually sat and had dinner with gay guys. It’s sad. I have lesbian friends, I have gay friends, but I’ve never actually hung out with them before. I feel so stupid, but there it is.
