by Erin Zak
“I rarely do anything crazy with my money. Armando scared me for years with his problems.”
“How’s he doing, by the way?”
“He’s doing really well.” I smile as I watch her. She’s won around thirty dollars on top of her twenty. There’s a gleam in her eyes, and it makes me want to kiss her right here in front of God and everyone. “Max and him moved into my spare room. Max’s lease was up, and Armando wanted to get out of my mom and abuela’s, and I think they’re absolutely thrilled to have a crafting room back. Holy shit!” I gasp as the blazing sevens roll over in succession and a jackpot flashes across the screen.
“Oh my God!” Cecily’s arms shoot into the air. “How in the heck did that happen?”
“I must be a lucky charm,” I say with a laugh, and Cecily leans over and wraps her arms around my shoulders.
“You really are.” She slams her hand onto the cash-out button and waits for the ticket to print. She snaps it and laughs. “Fifteen hundred dollars, Francesca. Drinks are on me tonight.”
“Tonight? Hell, you can buy drinks all day.”
We both laugh as we rush over to where Brenda is gambling. “I am losing, so unless you have good news—”
“I just won.” Cecily shows Brenda the ticket, and she jumps up from the slot machine. She grabs Cecily and spins her in the air. “Drinks are on me.”
“Hell yeah, they are.” Brenda laughs as she sets Cecily down. “I am not even going to cash out. Someone else can gamble that forty-seven cents.”
I laugh as I follow them to the machine. As we turn down one of the crowded walkways, my eyes lock on to a figure standing by the bar. I stumble and smack into Cecily and Brenda, who both turn to check on me.
“Are you okay?” Cecily asks as she smooths her hands over my arms.
The commotion causes the figure to turn, and my mouth falls open.
I hear Cecily say softly, “Are you kidding me?”
Standing there with the smuggest face I have ever seen is none other than Willow Carmichael. The only thing grounding me is Cecily’s fingers intertwined in mine. Willow struts up to us while Brenda moves in front of us. “You really don’t want to cause a scene, do you, Brenda?” Willow asks, her husky voice grating on my nerves.
Brenda huffs. “Actually, I wouldn’t mind. In fact, I’d love to give you a piece of my mind.”
I watch Willow’s eyes move from mine to Cecily’s and finally, to Brenda’s. An evil sneer appears on her thin lips, and I find myself wondering what I ever saw in her. Why did I think so highly of this woman? She’s not ugly, but damn, these days, her black soul causes her to be anything but attractive. “Brenda, you need to mind your own business.”
“Cecily is my business,” Brenda says softly. She adjusts her stance. “And so is Francesca.”
“Oh?” Willow looks at me now, her dark eyes staring into mine. “Frankie has a bulldog for a bodyguard, hmm? How wonderful.”
I roll my eyes. “Seriously, Willow? Get over yourself. Just let us cash out and leave. I don’t want any drama and neither does Cecily.”
“So you two are back together? Don’t you think that’s a little fucked-up?”
“You realize you’re going to lose another job if you don’t move?” I growl almost the entire question through clenched teeth.
Willow lets out a low chuckle. I’m not a violent person in any way, shape, or form, but that laugh makes me want to clock her square across the jaw. I clench my free hand so hard, I’m pretty sure I’m drawing blood with my nails.
“Willow, this isn’t the time or the place to have a conversation, and you know it,” Cecily finally says. “You don’t want to do this. This isn’t you.”
“Isn’t it?” Willow is glaring now, and Brenda backs up even closer to Cecily.
“I don’t know.” Cecily’s words are strained. I hope she doesn’t cry. I want her to stay strong. I need her to stay strong, or I’m going to break and possibly beat the shit out of Willow. “You aren’t the person I thought you were.”
“How so?” Willow folds her arms across her chest.
There’s a huge part of me that wants to tell them both I am not interested in where this is headed, but I decide to let it play out when Cecily says, “How many women did you sleep with at my firm?”
“Excuse me?”
“How many? Don’t try to tell me it was only me.”
Willow blinks once, twice, then a third time before she takes a step back. Her shoulders fall.
I move my stare to gauge Cecily’s reaction. The message is received. Not only by me, but also by Cecily. Her chin quivers the tiniest of amounts. I only see it because I’m standing so close. I’m impressed by her strength but also horrified she has to go through this. In public, in front of me, in front of Brenda.
Willow hurt me. Really, really badly. But I was never convinced I was the only person whom she gave her heart to. I had a strange feeling someone else existed, so when she broke it off with me, I wasn’t shocked. Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I was heartbroken. Cecily, on the other hand, was led to believe she was the only person who mattered to Willow. She went through the last four years of her life thinking Willow was holding herself back from happiness because of her.
I should have known the flash in her eyes at breakfast meant she was putting it all together. Willow is a serial heartbreaker. And when the time came, Cecily almost gave her entire life over without a second thought.
“That’s what I thought.” Cecily stands straight, her head held high, grips my hand even tighter, and after a few beats of casino-filled silence, she takes off, away from Willow, and out into the Vegas air. As soon as we get to a spot far enough from the doors, she turns to me. “I love you.”
I shake my head. “What? What are you—”
“No, listen to me.” She grabs my hands. “I love you. I want to spend my life with you. All of my life. With you. Maybe that’s stupid or crazy or rushed, but I just want to be with you. I want to be in love with you. I want to make love to you…I want all of you. Forever.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. And then I hear Brenda let out a soft, “Aw.”
I laugh and smile. “Honey, your emotions are just running high right now.”
“No. I mean, yeah, they probably are, but I don’t care. I’m sick of waiting for my life to begin.” She shrugs, releases one of my hands, and goes to walk back into the casino.
I pull on her gently. “What are you doing? We can’t go back in there.”
“Yes, we can.” She holds up her ticket. “I still need to cash this in.”
Brenda and I both let out a puff of air, followed by a laugh. “You are crazy, Cecily,” Brenda says as we follow her.
The entire time, I want to kick myself for not saying it back, for not telling her I feel the exact same way, for not saying that I would leave everything if it meant being happy with her forever. I will say it. I know I will. But I want it to be perfect. She deserves perfection. She deserves to be shown how special she is.
I hope my hesitation doesn’t ruin anything.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Francesca
We parted ways after the casino incident. I pulled Brenda aside and asked her to please let me know if Cecily was okay. She promised she’d text if Cecily had a breakdown or wanted to skip the night’s festivities.
So far, I haven’t heard from either of them. I am hopeful this night hasn’t been ruined by Willow and her inability to keep her lady boner in her pants. I’ve worked hard most of my life to not hate people, but at this particular moment, I am slightly hating Willow. Not for hurting me anymore, no. For pulling a married woman into her web and being so awful she couldn’t even be honest about what she really wanted. No wonder she was fine with Cecily never leaving Luke. She was happy being the promiscuous lesbian, breaking hearts wherever she went.
As Max, Armando, and I walk through the casino floor at the Heights, I feel really good about tonight. Again, I’m hopeful, which is scary. Hope has n
ever been a good look on me.
While we wait for the elevator, I eye my brother and Max. They both look absolutely beautiful. Armando’s hair is done perfectly. His beard has been trimmed, and I’m pretty sure he’s wearing eyeliner. His suit is a newly tailored Ralph Lauren, an all-black number that he spent some of his winnings on. His button-down is black as well, and the sharp color against his brown skin is gorgeous. There’s a tiny bubble of pride inside my chest. Happiness looks really good on him. And Max? Well, shit. He looks like a goddamn model in fitted black pants, a red button-down, and a black velvet vest. He’s not wearing socks with his dress shoes, which I teased him about, but looking at him, I am glad he made that decision. He’s freshly shaven, which accentuates his dimples and his ice blue eyes. I’ve never seen two men look more dashing together.
I smile at my reflection in the mirror of the elevator. I’m glad I wore a new dress because going out with these two is going to make it hard to compete. Armando picked the dress out, black, sleeveless, with sparkles and sequins all over it. It falls to the middle of my thigh, and the black patent leather heels I spent a fortune on are really tying everything together. I don’t know who I’m trying to kid. I always spend a fortune on heels. If I’m going to be uncomfortable walking, I’m going to look damn good doing it.
When the elevator dings, I feel a tiny nerve spring to life deep in my stomach. I glance at the two of them, and Max runs a finger along my jaw to my chin. He lifts so my head is up, and he smiles at me. “She’s not going to know what hit her, Frankie.”
“Stop,” I say softly, a blush filling my cheeks. I wave them off the elevator and exit. When we get to Cecily’s door, I take a deep breath and knock.
I can hear Brenda shout, “Come in!” I open the door and step inside. Brenda whisks into the entryway wearing a beautiful dark-green gown. She has a sheer black shawl around her shoulders and when she spins while saying, “Welcome, commoners,” I can’t help but chuckle.
“You look beautiful, Brenda.”
She holds out a hand to Max before saying a word to me. “Hello, Maxwell. I met you last night, and you were not pleasant. Please know, things are better now, and you can be nice to me.”
He takes her hand and kisses her knuckles. “I apologize for my rudeness,” he says softly. “Make sure your sister doesn’t hurt my best friend again, and we’ll be okay.”
She nods and moves to Armando. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Armando. I’m sure we’re going to have quite a good time tonight.”
“Well, well, well. I’m glad you’ve heard only good things.”
And just when I think he’s going to continue being smooth, Cecily comes into view. I hear a gasp, and I cover my mouth only to realize it wasn’t me who’d made the sound.
“Cecily, you look gorgeous.” Max has stolen my thunder.
I smack him on the arm without taking my eyes off Cecily. “That was my line,” I finally say, and the smile spreading across her lips makes me feel as if I could fly.
Her dress is long, a slit up the left side to her upper thigh. It’s nude with a black lace overlay, and the neckline is cut down almost to her navel, showing off the soft skin of her amazing breasts. A thin ribbon ties around the waist, and when she turns to grab a small black purse, I notice her entire back is bare. The sight causes my breath to snag, and I wonder how I’m ever going to get through this night. I slide a hand along the small of her back when I finally get to where she’s standing.
“Holy shit,” I whisper before I place a kiss on her cheek. “You look…Goddamn, you look incredible.” I step back to stare at her a couple more seconds. Her hair is down in large, soft curls, and her makeup is flawless. “I can’t get over it.”
“Well, six months of walking back and forth to work have helped me drop a couple pounds.”
“Wait a second,” I say when she turns into me. “I have never thought…You have never needed to lose weight for me. I hope you know that.”
The tender look she’s giving me has my knees wobbling. If she looks at me with those beautiful eyes any longer, there will be no New Year’s Eve celebration. I will make them all leave. Including Brenda, who essentially has no other place to go. “I know. I just…did it for myself.” She shrugs. “Your reaction is a bonus.”
“Well, you look fucking phenomenal.”
“Oh, my favorite word.” She sighs, and I lean forward and capture her lips. I feel her melt into me, and it makes me so happy. I don’t know how I went from upset with her to perfectly okay in the span of twenty-four hours, but it shouldn’t surprise me. I fell for her in about the same amount of time, and now I’m falling all over again. Almost every bone, every nerve, every muscle in my body is screaming to apply the brakes, but my heart hasn’t even mentioned slowing down. The only part of me that could get hurt the most is the only one not begging me to stop.
“Well, maybe we should get out of here? We’ll be late,” Armando says.
Cecily smiles into our kiss. “Okay, okay, we get the hint,” she says, followed by a laugh. “Let’s go.” She turns, looks over her shoulder at me, and holds her hand out. “Let’s go stop traffic.” The only thing I can do is do as she says because the rest of me is completely speechless.
Cecily
The last time I was at a New Year’s Eve celebration was right after the first time I slept with Willow. Jeff had decided to throw a company-wide party to ring in the new year, so of course, I had to bring Luke. I’ll never forget the way I felt watching Luke and Willow laugh and carry on with each other. They were taking selfies, acting as if they were the best of friends. I was nauseated and trying my hardest to not let it worry me. But all the pep talking wasn’t working. Thankfully, none of my coworkers noticed I was out of sorts. Or if they did, they didn’t say anything to me. Maybe they were talking about me amongst themselves. Who knows?
That party was in downtown Chicago at the Hyatt Regency on Wacker Drive, and aside from the ridiculous amount of stress I was under due to the entire situation, I really did have a great time. Luke and I had a great time. And when he said he had enough and told me to stay out, have a good time while he caught a Lyft home, I kissed him on the cheek and put him into the back seat of a Corolla and waved good-bye. And fell into bed with Willow again.
The guilt then isn’t nearly as bad as the guilt now. Luke and I really have been so good these days. He’s so patient and understanding, and he hasn’t once blamed me. Not even when the divorce was final…Even though I blamed myself and still do.
But I wasn’t in love with him. I don’t know if I ever was. Because the way I feel about Francesca is nothing at all how I felt about Luke. I loved him. Sure. I would have done anything for him. I’d still do almost anything for him. But when I look at Francesca, when I study her, when I watch her smiling, laughing, conversing, singing along with the music, I find myself wondering how I ever took a breath without her. How did I go through life without this piece of myself I clearly needed?
And is it strange that this person, this other half of me, is someone I have honestly only known for less than a week?
Most people would think it’s strange. Unheard of. Not possible. And maybe they’re right. Maybe it is strange. Maybe it is crazy and ridiculous and any other string of adjectives used to describe the indescribable.
I find that the older I get, the less I want to worry about what other people think. I strive to find a way to not care about others’ perceptions. At the end of the day, does it really matter? No. It doesn’t. The only thing that matters is what I’m doing with my life to make myself happy. Happiness isn’t as easy to grab on to as some people make it seem. Happiness is elusive and skittish. Happiness is quick and agile. So when you finally find it, and you grab on to it, you do not want to let it go.
Because life without it is…hard to handle.
Life with it, though?
Life with Francesca’s hands on my hips as we sway along to Lizzo is perfection. Life with my sister knowing who I really am i
s fantastic.
I pull closer to Francesca as the music on the dimly lit dance floor dies down. The party at the Cosmopolitan is huge, with disco balls hanging from the ceiling. I am in awe of how beautiful everything looks. A huge Christmas tree stands off to the right, and its lights flash along to the beat. The clientele of a VIP party is exactly what I pictured. Everyone is dressed to the nines. Some of the women have ball gowns on. I am impressed, if not slightly feeling out of place.
Diamond is here, floating around, serving drinks, making comments every time she sees us dancing together. After the first few disdainful comments, I think for sure she will never approve of me, but Armando and Max pull her to the side. Within minutes, she is cool to me again. I am happy for their interference. The last person I want hating me is Francesca’s best friend. I get her need to stand up for Francesca’s honor. I completely understand being protective of someone she loves and cares for deeply. Especially since she was the only reason Francesca and I found out that the other women we so kindly referred to were each other.
I think often about that fateful afternoon. The way the light was streaming into the suite. The feeling of being completely comfortable followed by the intensity of confusion mixed with sadness and pain is one of the most vivid feelings I can recall. I saw my life go from picture-perfect, to guilt-ridden and clandestine, to free and clear and in-something-that-feels-a-lot-like-love, and finally, to unrecognizable.
I don’t know why I’m thinking about the past right now. I’m standing in my present with this marvelous woman who I never thought would want to speak to me again, let alone give me another chance. She’s dancing with me. She kissed me. It’s so strange how she makes me feel alive and complete but also like a teenager discovering for the first time what good feels like. I pull back slightly and look at her. She is smiling and staring as if I’m a snack. God, it feels so good to be desired. I both hate and love it. I want her to take me now because it’s been entirely too long. But I also know I hurt her. Hell, I hurt myself. Willow hurt me. Francesca blocking me hurt me. But aside from wanting to be a mom, I have never felt this sure about anything.
