by Cee, DW
“You’ll still be in her life, Marni. You can love her as her aunt and in secret, as her mother.”
“I don’t want her to be taken from me, Mom. As soon as Melody and Ben see her, they’ll want her. What will I do? How can I leave the hospital without this baby in my arms? What have I done, Mom?”
“Worry not, Marni. Alice will always be yours no matter whose house she’s living in. You can visit her, play with her, and love her all you like.”
“But she won’t ever be my daughter.”
“You will one day have children of your own. Ali will always be in your heart, but you need to let go of her, at least physically. That’s the promise you made to your sister and her husband. As much as I’d like to support you, this is not a flippant issue. You can’t go back on your promise, no matter how much your heart wants this baby.”
“I love her so much, Mom. I didn’t realize having a child would make me this happy and this miserable.”
“Dry your tears and be strong, Marni. We have a room full of people who want to see your baby. You hold your head up and smile. I’ll help you through the rest.”
We were done. I’d gained a daughter, but lost a fiancé and almost-husband.
I could do nothing more than sigh. Life was too damn hard at times. Right now, though, I had a daughter to nurse back to health. I’d think about Noah later.
“Hello,” I called out to everyone already seated, starting to eat. “You were a good girl, Ali?”
“Mama!” she began crying.
“She was fine up until you showed up,” Mom reassured.
“Let’s eat, Ali-Girl. I see you have some spaghetti in front of you. Shall I cut it up for you?”
I cut up her pasta, her fruit, asked for a refill of milk, and perused the menu. The pressure of four pairs of eyes staring at me for answers weighed heavy. The longer I waited out their silent questions, the chattier I became. It was silly since Ali wasn’t paying any attention to me. The ravenous girl gobbled up her dinner.
Mom finally placed her arm around me and said, “It’s all right, Marni. Ali is looking healthier and we’re happy you’re here rather than crying on some street corner. When you’re ready, you can let your family know what’s in your heart.”
Mom’s compassion actually made everything worse. For my daughter’s sake, I didn’t lose it, but the tears were inescapable.
“I’m sorry I lied. You have to understand that I had no choice. Once I agreed to carry Ali, I swore to my sister that I wouldn’t tell anyone. She wanted Ali as her own.”
“So who knew?” Ben questioned. His face was still tight and full of anger.
“Aside from Melody and myself, Mom, Dad, and Jean.”
“I should have been a part of that group,” he spoke with resentment. “How could I, the father, be left out? How?”
“That wasn’t my choice, Ben. Your wife left you in the dark. I had no say over what happened between you and Melody.”
“But you’ve been my friend since birth. Didn’t it feel wrong to deceive me?”
“It did, but what was I to do? Your wife told me not to butt into your marriage. After countless back-and-forths, there was no changing her mind. The decision had been made.”
“This will most likely sound gauche, but Benjamin and I are deliriously happy that our granddaughter has a mother. We loved Melody. We miss her very much, but we can’t mourn the dead forever. We have to worry about the living. We’re thrilled Ali won’t grow up motherless. Benjamin and I feel only joy right now. I’m sorry if that sounds callous considering what happened with you and Noah.” I supposed what Shea said helped me feel better? At this point, the world appeared upside down. I didn’t know how I should feel.
“How did things go with Noah?” Mom whispered. I shook my head no in answer to her question. No other words were necessary. “I’m sorry, Marni. Maybe when you head back home you two can sit and have a long talk. After all these years, I don’t think your relationship can so easily dissolve. Give him some time to get used to the shock.”
I couldn’t answer Mom. With this mixed bag of feelings, I felt so damn confused. Before the revelation, my biggest burden was keeping hidden my true feelings for Ali. It killed me not to be able to show my daughter just how much I loved her. I desperately wanted her to love me as her mother. I couldn’t have watched her call another woman, “Mama.” Had Ben remarried, that would have eventually happened.
At this moment, I rejoiced that I could have Ali in my life without reservation. I could freely love my daughter, and she would grow up knowing and loving her real mother. While that made me dance on the table with joy, my engagement to Noah was over. No matter the number of years we’d been together, I knew he would never forgive me for my betrayal.
I was seriously messed up. Was I supposed to be happy I’d gained a daughter or sad I’d lost an almost-husband?
Chapter 11 - Ben
Hit The Road Jack ~Ray Charles
“She’s so beautiful, huh, Ben? I can’t believe we have a daughter.”
“No doubt she’s the most beautiful baby in the world. What am I going to do if she grows up to be as gorgeous as her mother? I’m going to have to fight off all the boys.”
“I think she looks just like you. Did you see the baby pictures your parents brought over? She’s the spitting image of her daddy.”
“Daddy. That’s what she’ll call me one day. I can’t wait until she’s walking and talking. I’m going to take her to the park and the zoo and the library and the local cupcake shop.”
“And I’ll be right there with you. We’re going to spoil this little girl and treat her like the princess that she is. I can’t wait until we see her smile. She’s going to have your expressive smile.”
“Mel, I think you’re wrong. Our little girl will take after you, but of course, love her daddy more.”
“Are you happy, Ben? We’re finally a family.”
“Crazy happy and crazy in love. I’m so glad you convinced me this was the right thing to do. Melody and Alice Howard, I will cherish you, protect you, and give you both the world.”
What now? I had no damn clue what to do about our new situation.
We came back from New York soon after Ali’s seizure. She showed no signs of illness after the doctor’s visit and Marni was anxious to get her to our regular pediatrician. Mom, Dad, and Jackie left without fanfare, leaving the three of us to go on with life as usual. The problem was, I didn’t know what life as usual meant anymore. Everything appeared normal: Marni continued to sleep two doors down from me with our daughter as buffer. Work piled higher than Ali’s building blocks. Marni dove into her work and school and Ali was as happy as could be. Judging by her appetite, energy, and attitude, it would shock anyone to learn she was in the ER just a few days ago.
But, I couldn’t ignore the radical changes in our minds, hearts, and attitudes: Our communication drastically halted. Marni and I barely said more than a few civil words to each other inside the home. There was absolutely no communication outside of the home—no texts asking me to stop by the market, no pictures and videos of Ali doing something cute. Our body language spelled awkward. What used to be a seamless tag team every morning and night, we now gave each other a wide berth once I was home. Either Marni cared for Ali or I followed our usual routine. Since the revelation, we no longer fit—emotionally, mentally, or physically.
“Can I talk to you?” Marni asked while quietly knocking on my bedroom door.
“Uh, yeah, I guess.” That was a lame answer, but I had nothing better.
“I’ll wait in the family room. Come down when you can.”
What the hell? When had we become this formal? Before the big reveal, we would have sipped beer, chowed on hot wings, and listened to the waves crashing from my balcony.
Rebelling against her “I’ll wait in the family room,” I stayed on my balcony for an inconsiderably long time. Finally, when curiosity got to me, I moseyed to the family room.
“What’s up?” I asked, only to find her cooking in the kitchen instead.
“Since we’re alone, I thought we might discuss plans concerning Ali?”
“What do you mean?”
“The past few days have been painful. Our easy friendship nullified when you learned I was Ali’s mom.” Mar continued to stir-fry something in the pan but couldn’t look me in the eye. “I don’t know if you believe me, but I am sorry you didn’t know. You had every right to know. You have every right to be angry. But, regardless of how you feel, it doesn’t change who I am. Now that my sister isn’t here, and now that everyone who needs to know, knows, I’d like to claim my title as Ali’s mom.”
Once again, what the hell! “Please explain what you mean.”
“I’d like to claim Ali as my daughter.”
“Wasn’t that already done when you chose to use my sperm to conceive our child?” That wasn’t a classy thing to say, but I was pissed again. What kind of claim was she looking to have on Ali? Was she going to take me to court over custody of my daughter? “Did you not feel the least bit invasive, presumptuous, grossed out—I can’t think of the best word for this situation—inserting my sperm into your body without my knowledge or willingness? Since you did all this without my consent, I don’t consider you Ali’s mother. I don’t care about biological proof. In my mind, she is my daughter and you will have no claim on her.”
Marni stopped what she was doing and stood with her back to me, lifeless. I didn’t know I could join such ugly words into a coherent idea. One day, I was going to regret having said any of this to her. Feeling like an asshole and not knowing how to make this better, I left.
Somehow, I needed to change our situation and change it fast. Trouble was, I had no idea where to begin.
Chapter 11 - Noah
Hit The Road Jack ~Ray Charles
“You’re home!”
“Uh, yeah, Mom. I was sleeping and you’re yelling.”
“I’m just excited to see my son. It’s been five years and I’ve seen you on two other occasions. Are you done? Are you back in New York for good?”
“No. I’m on a three-day leave.”
“What kind of leave is that? Why only three days?”
“I’ve no idea, Mom. They gave us all a three-day leave. Our superiors told us to consider it a vacation and to go get a tan. We were looking pale being on the ship for so long.”
“So what did you do on the ship? What’s it like living there? What about that life did your father find fascinating enough to abandon us all those years?”
“The quarters are cramped, I get tired of looking out at the sea, and the full scope of the mission isn’t explained to low-ranking officers like us. I’ve no idea why Dad would leave his beautiful wife and brilliant son for that life. I can’t say I enjoy it as much as he does.”
“So...you’re not going back?”
“What? Of course I’m headed back. I’m a Navy man, Mother. This will be my life for a very long while.”
“Then when will you marry and have kids?”
“Um...never?”
“Don’t say that, Noah. I want grandchildren. Haven’t you met any nice girls wherever it is that you’ve been living? Are you still in Europe?”
“Not really, and can’t say, Mother.”
“What about Marni? Have you kept in touch with her?”
“Nope. I don’t think she wants me to be in touch with her in any way. That line of communication stopped when I got together with my ex-wife.”
“Your father told me, you, Siena, and Siena’s husband had an ugly run-in at the Navy gathering. I’m sorry, Noah. I wish you had someone in your life. You wouldn’t be as lonely, then.”
“I’ll be all right, Mom. Maybe I was meant to be alone. Not everyone marries and has kids. I’ll figure things out once I get a little more sleep, and as soon as this mission is done.”
“Marni. What are you doing here?” She was the last person I expected to see in San Diego.
“I was hoping you’d let me in so we can finish our conversation.”
Slamming the door in her face was my first choice, but I didn’t think my parents would approve of such behavior. “Come in. You’ll save me a trip to the post office.” My ex-fiancée followed me in and slowly perused all the boxes. “These are your belongings that were left behind when you first left me. Take them. I don’t want anything that reminds me of you.”
“All right,” she answered in defeat. She spoke no other words the entire time she moved her belongings into her car.
I saw the tears but chose to ignore them. There was no sense of guilt left where she was concerned. Marni got everything she deserved. I hated her more each day for deceiving me. She used me and treated me like a fool. In the end, it was always about her daughter and her daughter’s father. They were her first priority.
Marni Montgomery was not vital to my survival. I’d meet another woman, have babies with her, and create an honest and loving family. Thanks to this woman, all I ended up with was a taste of distrust.
The move took a long time. While she was schlepping back and forth, I sat in my office and thought through my future career. I no longer wanted to reside in California. Wherever Marni was, I wanted to be on the opposite side of the universe.
When she was finally done, she handed me an envelope and explained, “It was wishful thinking that it wouldn’t come to this. Here,” she placed the small package in my hand. “This is all the money I have for the house your parents purchased for us. Mom’s house is in escrow and when that sells, I’ll pay you the rest. I’d like to buy the house from you.”
“Deal with my parents. I don’t care what happens to that house. It’s not as if I’ll be coming anywhere near you or your new family.”
“I’m sorry, Noah.” She placed her once-engagement ring atop the envelope sitting in my hand and left.
For a woman who supposedly came to “finish our conversation,” she left without saying much. She left without a fight. She left without any more of an explanation. No different than before, I was an afterthought. She had even thought through purchasing the house from me. Marni didn’t come here to reconcile. She came here to do what she did best—wheeling and dealing for her endgame. She gained a house while I gained a useless engagement ring. Typical. Marni Montgomery won this round...again.
Chapter 11 - Marni
Hit The Road Jack ~Ray Charles
“Can I put Ali down for her nap?”
“Oh, um, she’s already asleep, Mel.”
“That was fast. Didn’t you just start feeding her?”
“Yeah, but I guess she was hungry. She ate like a maniac and fell right asleep.”
“If you do everything, what am I good for? Ali relies on you for every last thing. When do I get to be her mommy?”
“Soon, Mel. Soon, she’ll not need me as her main food source and you can feed her. She’ll be your daughter the rest of your lives together. Let me have her for this short period. She needs me.”
“You’re with her all day and night. Soon, my daughter isn’t going to know who her mommy is. How is that right? I need some alone time with her, Marni. Figure out when I can hold her and play with her. You can’t monopolize her.”
“Once Ali grows a little more, we’ll figure out an arrangement. Before you know it, I’ll be out of here. Ali will never know who fed her or changed her or put her to sleep. This is only temporary.”
“I hope so. I asked you to carry my baby—not to be her mother.”
“Marni. It’s late. Why are you here at this hour? Come in.”
I was at Mom’s, hoping she’d help me find some peace in my life. “I thought Noah and I had unfinished business. I wanted to talk to him, but all I ended up doing was moving my boxes.”
“What?”
“I arrived to find all my stuff boxed up. Noah told me I had saved him a trip to the post office and asked me to take my belongings because he doesn’t want any reminder of me.”
“Oh Marni.” Mom hugged me. At this point, I was so beaten down by Ben and Noah that I didn’t bother crying anymore. “What will you do now, my brave girl?”
“Well, I emptied out my savings and gave it to Noah with a promise of the proceeds from the sale of your house when it sells. Any chance you might want to move back to the old hood and live with me and Ali?”
“Ben will allow Ali to live with you?”
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Over his dead body. I tried to talk to Ben about working out an arrangement with Ali and he told me to go to hell. Both men are angry and neither is willing to listen to me.”
Mom sighed. “So now what?”
“If you’ll help me buy the house from Noah and his parents, I’ll move out of Ben’s and set up a home for the three of us.”
“And Ben will say what?”
“I figure he still needs me to babysit Ali during the day. He knows I’m the best caretaker for Ali. Whether I choose to do it in his house or a few blocks away, he won’t be able to fight that. As long as Ali is home by the time Ben comes home, I think he’ll be fine with the situation.”
“Where are Ali and Ben right now?”
“I put Ali down early because she was tired from all the doctor’s appointments, and I drove down here as soon as Ben came home. Ben is ugly with me right now. I can’t live there. Plus, we don’t know how to behave around each other anymore. Our friendship has been destroyed. We can’t even be acquaintances since he sees me as the enemy.”
“Oh Marni.” Mom’s sigh grew. “And Noah? Any chance of a reconciliation?”
This was where I went into hysterics. “He had me load ten boxes by myself. Does that sound like a man who wants to marry me? I’m sad we ended, but it’s good that we parted before we married. At some point, the secret was going to reveal itself, and it would have been bad if Noah and I had started a family already. I hope one day he’ll forgive me.”
