by Lynn Mann
But surely you feel fear too?
Not at present. There is nothing of which to be fearful.
But the Woeful, they are to be feared.
Are there any Woeful here now?
My senses hadn’t been alerted. The hairs on the back of my neck were at peace. No, but one could begin stalking us at any time.
And that will be the time when fear will have its use. Until then you would be better served looking after your body and mind as normal. That way you will be better able to respond should your fear be warranted. You are underfed and exhausted.
Her calm logic hit its mark. I need to eat, rest and calm down.
I felt her assent. We will stay here until first light tomorrow.
I fought down the panic that tried to rise once more and nodded. As Infinity resumed her browsing, I retrieved my sack from where I had left it and searched through the remainder of my food stores. Dwindling as they were, there was still more than there should have been; I realised fully just how little I had eaten over the past few days. I gathered sticks, lit a fire and made a double quantity of porridge. I ate the lot, followed by the remainder of my fruit. I washed it down with several mugs of tea and realised that I felt a whole lot better. Infinity’s relief and approval washed over me.
The light that reached the forest floor was waning and a chill was beginning to announce itself. I put extra sticks on my fire, donned extra clothing, wrapped myself in my cloak and leant back against the tree. However much calmer I was, I wasn’t convinced that I would be able to sleep. Infinity made her way over to me and stood with her head above mine.
Rest easily. I will keep watch for both of us.
But what about you? Don’t you need to sleep?
Not as much as you. Sleep. She wrapped me up with her nurturing warmth. My sense of everything else receded — the last few bird calls, the crackling of the fire, the leaves swirling down to land on us — as Infinity filled my awareness with her calm assurance. I slept deeply and peacefully until the dawn chorus roused me the following morning. I opened my eyes and saw that Infinity still stood over me, dozing but alert with the part of her mind that needed to be. I sat up and realised that I hadn’t even put her blanket on for her.
It is less cold under the trees than out in the open. Nevertheless I missed it, I was informed. There was no hint of displeasure.
I knew she wouldn’t comprehend my gratitude to her for keeping watch, so I tried to send her the warmth of my feeling in the way she so often did to me. She responded likewise and then moved off to browse the branches. I stoked the embers of my fire until there was potential for a flame, blew on them until the fire found its will and then gradually added sticks until it was hot enough for me to cook the remainder of my porridge.
Infinity moved slowly on through the forest during the morning, browsing as she went. Every now and then I could feel fear threatening to take hold of me again and I had to take a long, slow breath and remember Infinity’s instruction from the night before. I decided to collect herbs to add to my stores, in order to give myself something else to think about and in the process, I lost sight of Infinity. My panic rose unhindered. INFINITY!
There was a crashing through the undergrowth and Infinity burst between a sapling and a tree, skidding to a halt in front me, her eyes wide and her sides heaving. ???????????
I flung my arms around her, pressing my face into her warm neck. ‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t see you and I panicked.’
More work is needed on the appropriate use of your fear, she observed. I couldn’t help but agree.
It was during the afternoon of our fourth day under the trees, as I walked beside Infinity, that I remembered something about which I wanted to ask her. When I asked why I can’t hear you and Oak when you communicate and you told me that I can, but I don’t, what did you mean?
You have the ability to hear us but you do not use it. All humans do. Some horses try for many years to make their chosen humans aware of them before they finally penetrate the barriers of the human mind and their person recognises that their horse calls for them. You were aware of me so early because of our history together. Your mind yet blocks out all other horses.
You mean any human can communicate with any… I stopped in mid thought. I felt acutely uncomfortable and the hairs on the back of my neck stood bolt upright. My skin crawled as if small insects were groping their way over my entire body.
I feel it too. We are hunted, Infinity’s thought was edged with panic.
As the Woeful stared at us from behind, above and to the left slightly, she revealed something of herself to us. She was only moderately hungry but the scent of horse drew her like a moth to a flame.
My heart hammered in my chest. Go Infinity, leave me. Alone you can escape her. I’ll drop my back-sack, maybe she’ll go for that and you can get as far away as possible. I’ll find you once we are both clear of the woods. Please Infinity, go, now, GO! I tried to push her to go with my mind.
You carry my scent, she will hunt you now as readily as she hunts me. You are slower than I. I was aware of how hard she strained against the flight response that her every instinct tried to initiate. I was terrified for her.
Please go, Infinity, please, she might still go for my back-sack and leave me alone, please just go, I begged her.
We both live or we both die. We have work to do together. So we will live. Leave your possessions on the ground and sit on my back.
But I can’t ride, I don’t know how to, what if I hurt you? We still walked side by side in our usual unhurried pace, but it was becoming nearly as hard for me not to lose control and run as it was for Infinity.
Hurry.
I let go of my sack, stepped onto the trunk of a fallen tree to my left and flung my right leg over her back. I grabbed hold of huge chunks of her mane in each hand, feeling extremely precarious astride her wide, warm back.
Hold tightly to me, was all the warning I had to close my legs around her sides as firmly as I could, before she leapt forward into a fast canter. My upper body was left behind and I almost lay down flat with my back to hers, which proved fortunate as a low growing branch flew past just above my face. I managed to pull myself upright and then duck low over her neck just in time to miss another low branch, which snagged at the back of my jumper. My legs gripped hard, but I couldn’t seem to help bouncing around on Infinity’s back as she raced between the trees.
The woodland was ancient deciduous, its huge trees spaced far enough apart that we were able to move at breakneck speed, but Infinity had to weave from left to right to avoid trees in her path. I stayed low with my arms wrapped around her neck in an attempt to avoid being flung from her back. At one point, Infinity darted to the right and I found myself hanging from her left side, desperately trying to grip on with my right calf. She slowed and darted left towards a tree, where she halted momentarily, just long enough for me to push against the tree trunk and centre myself on her back once more. Then we were off again. All the while, a crashing accompanied us from above and behind as the Woeful pursued us through the trees. On the ground she would be no match for Infinity’s speed, but in the trees, she was in her element as she leapt and swung powerfully from tree to tree.
Was it wishful thinking, or was the crashing behind us subsiding?
You’re winning, Infinity, we’re leaving her behind, just a bit further now, keep going my beautiful girl, keep going, come on, just a bit further, you can do it! I willed her on with as much energy as I could muster.
I felt her take heart from me and find yet more strength and endurance. She sped on, but she was getting lower and lower in front of me all the time. She stumbled but used her momentum to keep herself up and moving forward. The noise behind us was definitely waning and Infinity began to slow her pace, sweating and breathing heavily. I tried to sit up and balance myself by holding her mane, anxious to get off her neck as she laboured. There was silence from behind us now. I realised I felt comfortable in my own skin ag
ain and noted the singing of the birds in the trees above us. And was it my imagination, or was it much brighter in front of us?
I was just allowing myself to hope that maybe, possibly, we had found the edge of the forest, when Infinity stumbled again. This time she had neither the momentum nor the strength to right herself and she pitched forward and down onto her knees. I flew over her head and stuck my left arm out in front of me in a reflexive attempt to break my fall. There was a sickening crunch and pain shot up my arm as I landed on top of it. I fought down a scream, conscious that somewhere behind us was a frustrated Woeful, and managed a strangled yelp instead.
I sat up and gritted my teeth as I lifted my arm into my lap with my other hand, trying to ignore the odd angle between my elbow and wrist. Sweat broke out on my forehead and my breathing became a pant as a fresh wave of pain washed over me. I felt dizzy and feared I would faint. NO! I told myself, STAY AWAKE! We weren’t out of danger and on no account could I afford to lose consciousness. I made a determined effort to slow my breathing and eventually managed slow, deep breaths.
I looked up to see Infinity standing a short distance away, dripping with sweat, her sides heaving. She stood with her front legs out in front of her slightly and her head low, almost touching her front feet. Her front end was lower than her hind end and her back legs quivered. I needed to get her moving. I could feel her exhaustion as easily as my own pain and I was aware of her muscles starting to stiffen as the chill autumn air cooled her sweating body. I cradled my broken left arm with my right, got to my knees and stood up, my worry for Infinity now acting as well as any painkiller would have.
Infinity, we have to move on, I told her. The air is chilly and you’re getting cold. We have to move on so your muscles don’t seize up.
She didn’t respond. I nudged her leg with my knee.
Infinity please, you have to move. You have to walk with me. The Woeful is behind us somewhere and she might not have given up completely, we have to get out of the forest.
Still no response. Was she hurt? I wondered and began to search her perception of her body for any awareness of pain.
No but you are. Her thought was very faint.
We have to move on now, please try and walk with me, Infinity, please try, I begged her. In response, she lifted her head slightly and took one halting step with her left hind leg.
And another, come on Infinity. I could feel her awareness slipping away again. Infinity, move, please move. Infinity, INFINITY! INFINITY! FIN! She was back with me. Move now, come on, I’m with you, please try another step, please Fin.
She lifted her head further with great effort, and moved her left foreleg.
That’s good, that’s my girl and the next one, come on Fin, move the next one, I pleaded with her and was rewarded by her right hind leg taking a step, followed haltingly by the right fore. I nudged her again with my knee. Come on now, keep going, that’s it, that’s my beautiful girl, keep going Fin, come on you can do it, I know you can, that’s it, well done. I kept up constant encouragement as she slowly, stiffly, moved one leg after the other.
I could see sunlight streaming in past the last trees in the distance as Infinity began to walk more fluidly. The sweat was beginning to dry on her and her breathing was returning to normal. We needed water urgently, I realised.
I smell water not far away. Her thought was stronger now.
How are you feeling? I asked.
My front legs ache and I feel strange but I do not have pain in the way you do.
Why did you become lower in front as you galloped? Surely you wouldn’t have stumbled if you’d carried yourself as you normally do?
It is different with weight on my back. There was too much weight on my front legs. As I tired I was unable to hold myself up and avoid tripping.
It was my fault. It was my weight that had unbalanced her to the point where she fell and my leaning forward on her neck would have made it even worse, I realised. Guilt overwhelmed me. She should have gone on without me.
Why do you suffer?
I feel terrible that your body was put under so much stress because of me.
??????????
It was because of my weight on your back and neck that you fell, you have sore legs and you exhausted yourself because of me.
Yes.
That is why I suffer.
??????????
I could feel Infinity trying to recognise the emotion that I felt in terms of those with which she was familiar, but she just couldn’t. As far as she was concerned, we both did what was necessary and that was all there was to it. I found her attitude as confusing as she found mine.
We exited the forest and as my acute concern for Infinity began to recede and my adrenaline levels fell, I was shocked by the intense, shooting pain in my arm. I felt my body preparing to vomit and decided that I needed to concentrate on its immediate needs.
That I understand, my mare told me approvingly.
Nine
Special
We came across a stream an hour or so after exiting the trees. I waited while Infinity sniffed the water and then drank her fill. I could feel her body begin its recovery as it was gradually rehydrated. When she’d had enough, she once more sniffed the water and then began to graze beside it, knowing that I had registered her judgment that it was safe for me to drink. I bit back my thanks, knowing they were unnecessary.
I knelt down at the edge of the stream and slowly, painfully, lowered my broken arm onto my knees. Sweat poured down my face and I gritted my teeth hard to avoid shouting out with the pain, but finally my right hand was free to cup water. I drank for what seemed an eternity and when I’d finished, I washed the sweat from my face. As I stood back up and re-cradled my left arm with my right, I surveyed the horizon in all directions and realised that I could still see the forest clearly.
We need to move on, I told Infinity.
No answer.
Fin please, we need to move on. I know you’re hungry, but we’re too close to the woods.
Her hunger was not great enough for her to follow us this far from the trees.
There’s grass as far as I can see in the direction we were heading, could we just move on for maybe a few hours and then stop?
Be calm. I will graze and you will come to terms with your fear.
Infinity’s way of living entirely in the present, with no thoughts of the past or future, seemed to give her freedom from the fear that affected me and clearly served her well, I decided. Infinity was quiet and still at the back of my mind but taking notice of my thoughts. I resolved to attempt to live solely in the present as did my horse. A faint flicker of approval. I breathed deeply and brought my focus entirely into the present. The pain in my arm intensified as it became the sole object of my attention. I needed to focus on my arm. Distinct approval now from Infinity.
What to do with my useless, painful, broken arm? I could cast about for some arnollia to ease the pain, but then I would have to let go of my broken arm in order to pick it and that thought left me feeling faint. If only there was a Bone-Singer around nearby, I thought wistfully.
You can heal it.
No, I can’t. Even if I could find and pick the herbs that I know would help, none of them would heal the bone, only relieve the pain and help the surrounding tissue to heal, and that isn’t going to be much help until the bone is in one piece again.
I am familiar with the function of herbs. I select herbs to assist my body in the same way that you do. You can heal the bone. You know how it is done.
You select herbs to heal your body?
Of course. Concentrate on healing your bone.
But I’m not a Bone-Singer.
You do not see yourself as one. There is a difference.
I pondered over her words. Did she mean that if I saw myself as a Bone-Singer then I could be one? I felt her assent. I could be a Bone-Singer. But how? I didn’t have any training, I was a Herbalist, I had practised tuning into herbs, not bones, how could I possi
bly…
It is the same.
??????????
You can tune into herbs. Your Bone-Singers can tune into bones. That is what you believe. In truth any human can tune into anything if they believe they can.
But we are tested, different people show aptitude for different Skills and that is what they train to do, that’s how it’s been since the first humans discovered the Skills, I protested.
Humans show aptitude for what they believe they will. All humans have the ability to do any of the things that you call the Skills. They are all the same. You perceive them all as being different and so that is how you experience them.
But Bone-Singers don’t just tune into the bones, they have to find the right tone to resonate with the injured bone, they have to use their intention to cause it to knit together and they have to adjust the sound they make as the bone heals, I argued. It’s very difficult and I have no training.
You explain why you do not heal bones. You do not explain why you cannot.
So, you are actually telling me I should try to heal my bone by bone-singing?
No.
Well phew because…
Do not try to heal it. Heal it.
Could she be right? Maybe I would have had an aptitude for bone-singing anyway, I never found out as I didn’t test for it… I could feel Infinity’s irritation at my thoughts. Could it really be true that anyone could do any of the Skills? Why didn’t everyone show aptitude at testing then?
You underestimate the power of belief. The humans who perform these ‘Skills’ are those who believe they can.
Right, so I just need to believe I can sing my bone back to normal and I’ll be able to do it. I tried to convince myself.
Do you have trust in me?
Of course I do, completely, absolutely, how can you doubt…
Then know that I am right. And go further than merely believing you can do it. Know you can. It will make a difference.
I took a deep breath. Of course I trusted her. With my life and with my soul. So then, if she said I could do it then I must be able to. I can do it. I can do it. I repeated it over and over to myself until I thought I had enough conviction.
