by Lynn Mann
‘Of course you will, you’ll pick it up in no time,’ he replied. ‘But you have a worry, I can see. If you want to share it Amarilla, I’m a good listener.’
I told him all about the problems Infinity was having carrying me and about my intention to learn to ride without any input from Feryl. He listened intently and then asked, ‘and how does my lovely Infinity feel about your plans?’
‘She’s happy about it,’ I replied.
He smiled and put his arm over Infinity’s back. ‘If this beauty here is happy, then I see no reason for you not to be. I’m not much of a rider myself, never have been and I don’t ask Dili to suffer my attempts at it now unless it’s absolutely necessary, but I will give you one piece of advice, if you’ll accept it?’
I nodded.
‘Trust your horse in everythin’, absolutely everythin’, and one day that everythin’ will make sense. And if there’s ever anythin’ I can do to help, you know where to find me. My Diligence’s bones are far too old to be wanderin’ far now, so I’m always here.’
I thanked him and then Infinity followed me out of his workshop, still wearing her new saddle with its stirrups shining and swinging on their leathers.
‘You’ll want to run those up so they don’t bang her sides,’ said Feryl from behind me. I turned to see him already sliding one of the stirrups up to the top of its leather, then winding the leather around it to keep it secure.
My heart began to beat faster. Now would be a good time to tell him we wouldn’t be at our lesson the following day. My mouth and throat went dry and I just about managed to croak, ‘um thanks,’ at his retreating back as he hurried behind Infinity and off towards the workshops. I berated myself for being a coward.
I would feel your weight in the saddle, Infinity interrupted my thoughts.
Why? I have no idea how to help you balance yet.
From here to my paddock. She moved to the fence and looked at me expectantly.
I sighed. What harm could it do over such a short distance? I reasoned with myself and pulled back down the stirrup Feryl had run up, before climbing the fence and hopping onto her back.
The saddle was wonderful. The one I had been using was too large, I realised as I now sat cocooned, and very comfortable. Infinity positively crooned over the feel of the sheepskin pad that cushioned her back and shoulders. She could feel exactly where I sat, as the saddle wrapped closer around her than the one we had borrowed, and she drew confidence from being able to feel more easily what I was doing with my weight. The issue of too much weight on her front legs remained, as expected, but we both felt heartened by the feeling of extra comfort and support.
I left her rugged and grazing happily as I carried her saddle to the tack room which was shared by all of the Horse-Bonded. It was the first door I came to in the building on my right as I entered the square and it was cavernous, I discovered on entering. Saddle racks lined the stone walls at three different heights and I passed hundreds of saddles before I reached an empty saddle rack that I could reach. I hoisted my saddle onto it, gratefully. I noticed as I did so that Mason had stitched the infinity symbol onto the back of the seat and that each and every other saddle had a different symbol stitched into the same place. The one next to mine had a beautifully stitched dragonfly in many different colours of thread. I smiled to myself as I realised it must be Norieva’s. I wandered along the saddles, looking for any symbols I might recognise. I saw a spider on the saddle that had to belong to Shann, and eventually found one with an oak tree stitched in so much detail that even tiny acorns were visible. There was one with a shooting star, another with a horse and human stitched standing side by side, the human standing hands on hips and staring out of the image. I saw one with a horse standing with its neck arched as an infant sat astride. Was that Quinta’s saddle for Noble? I wondered to myself. Other saddles had initials instead of symbols or pictures, but each and every one was decorated in the most intricate detail.
I noticed a saddle on its own, on a rack on the far wall and was puzzled as to why someone would store their saddle where they would have so much further to carry it than was necessary. When I reached it, I saw that it had been made in a very different style from my own. It was much larger and looked old and worn, yet had clearly been recently cleaned and conditioned. The symbol on the back was a dove. The sign for peace. I reached out a hand and touched the saddle, as if by being in contact with it, I could somehow know the horse who had worn it and who had been so dear to my friend. My heart ached afresh for him, to see his saddle sitting alone but clearly not abandoned, still cherished by Adam as a link to his soul mate.
Give a human a chance to be overly emotional and they will surely take it, Infinity noted.
He loved his horse so much, I just feel for him, that’s all. I know how I would feel if I lost you and we’ve only been bonded a short time, Adam was with Peace for over forty years.
You do not know how you will feel when I decide to leave my body because you are not yet the person you will be when that happens.
Well that was me told, I thought to myself as I gave Peace’s saddle one last stroke and made my way back to my room to have a bath before dinner.
I hardly slept that night. Justin had been enthusiastic when I asked if he and Gas would help Infinity and me in our efforts to form a riding partnership and had agreed to meet us, along with Oak and Rowena, at the riding paddock furthest from Feryl’s preferred one, before lunch the following day. That meant I had to find Feryl in the morning and tell him I wouldn’t be having any more lessons with him. Dozens of different conversations roiled around in my mind, all of them ending with Feryl being angry with me. I tossed and turned and tried to picture myself not caring what he or anyone else thought, just thanking him for his efforts so far and then telling him what I had decided. Every time I tried, my stomach churned relentlessly.
‘U ‘ook rough,’ Rowena told me through a mouthful of toast the following morning. ‘Bad nigh’?’
I nodded and smiled weakly. ‘Too hot, must have had too many covers on.’
She nodded and helped herself to the last piece of toast on Shann’s plate while he was turned away from her. She winked at me and began to spread it with butter. Remembering Adam’s rule, I knew I would need to find Feryl before my work on my apprenticeship that morning so that I would be able to concentrate fully on my studies. I forced my porridge down and hurried off to find him, with Shann’s attempt at outrage over his missing toast ringing in my ears.
I knew that Feryl usually rode Liberal before he started teaching for the day, so I made my way to his riding paddock, taking strength from the sight of Infinity as I passed her. She was standing nose to nose with Oak, dozing peacefully despite the wind that buffeted them both.
As I neared my destination, I could see that Feryl was still riding. Liberal was cantering slowly and powerfully, and when he reached the far corner from where I approached, he cantered with his hind legs on the spot and his front legs on a circle around them, until he had turned to face back from whence he had come. He then launched into a much faster, but no less graceful canter along the fence line before collecting himself and then coming to a halt. Feryl stroked his neck, talking quietly to him and then jumped off.
I looked around. I could see many people already at work, tending to livestock or harvesting in the crop paddocks, but there was nobody in our immediate vicinity. It had to be now. My heart thudded almost painfully in my chest as I climbed through the fence and walked over to where Feryl was loosening Liberal’s girth.
‘Come to pick up more tips Amarilla? It will be a long while before you and Infinity are at this sort of level, but it never hurts to remind yourself what you’re aspiring to I suppose,’ he called out cheerfully.
‘Um, I just came to say th-thank you for all your help, but I think Infinity and I need some time to practise on our own for a while, so we won’t be c-coming for our lesson this afternoon,’ I said.
‘Nonsense, at this stage
it’s vital I am there when you ride, to make sure you don’t get into bad habits. We won’t go too fast, don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of time for you to practise everything before we move on, now you’re not letting your nerves get the better of you again, are you?’
‘It’s not my n-nerves that are the problem,’ I said. ‘It’s how Infinity is affected by being ridden. She’s happy for us to experiment on our own and when I told M-mason about it, he said that if she’s happy about it then I have no need to worry. Everyone is telling me to trust my horse, except for you.’
‘I can’t imagine why you think Mason would have the faintest idea about anything,’ Feryl said. ‘Last time I looked he was a Saddler and I was the Master of Riding. Thunder and lightning, the man’s all but given up on riding, he’s so bad at it and I can’t tell you who’s more relieved, me or Diligence.’
‘Well anyway, thanks Feryl, but I won’t be coming to any lessons for a while,’ I said and then turned and ran.
‘Amarilla wait, you’re being ridiculous! Oh, for light’s sake girl, have some sense, you’ll ruin that horse of yours if you don’t let me help you!’ Feryl’s words followed me. ‘It’s Justin isn’t it? I’ve seen you with him, he’s put you up to this, I shall have some harsh words to say to him!’
I hurried back towards my horse. I let myself into her paddock and then ran over to her. I slid my hands under her rug on either side of her neck, warming them as I hugged her. I did it, Fin. It’s just you and me now, and whatever help Rowena and Justin can give us. I have absolutely no idea where we are going to even start!
She enveloped me in her warmth and reassurance and told me, we will start at the beginning.
Adam sent me out to collect supplies of fresh herbs that morning and I decided to go down to the river. The paddocks stretched as far as the eye could see and beyond from the buildings at The Gathering and then there was a short stretch of scrubland before the river. Turning right along the river, the wide expanse of water continued to wind through further scrubland before disappearing around some hills in the distance. Turning left, upriver, it wasn’t long before the scrub gave way to a rocky hillside on our side of the wide, deep, slow-flowing river. On the other side, what looked like sparse, slightly boggy woodland dotted with springy heather led back into drier, mature forest. It was perfect for gathering a plethora of different herbs in a relatively small area.
I decided to stick to the open river bank for my morning’s herb hunting, a decision approved enthusiastically by Infinity, who had decided to accompany me and had already found an area of grasses very much to her liking.
It was a relief to be away from people after facing up to Feryl that morning and I spent a thoroughly enjoyable few hours taking samples of herbs both new and foreign to me, even as they were passing what stores they could into their roots ready to survive the coming winter.
The time flew and I had to rush to take my supplies back to my workroom, store them properly and then saddle Infinity, to be in time for our riding session with our friends. We had to pass the paddock where Feryl was teaching and for once I was glad for the spectators that lined the fence, as Infinity and I were able to pass unobtrusively behind them.
Rowena and Oak were trotting in a steady rhythm around the outside of the large paddock we had chosen for our session, but there was no sign of Justin and Gas. A couple of people I didn’t know rode around side by side, chatting. Infinity and I entered the paddock and Oak slowed to a halt in front of us with a soft whicker to Infinity, which she returned.
‘Right, where shall we start?’ asked Rowena.
There was a thunder of hooves from the direction of the river and I turned around just in time to see Gas and Justin sailing over the paddock fence, with Justin crouched low over his horse’s back so as to fit under the canopy. They landed just behind the two horses whose riders were still chatting, and both horses spooked and shot forward, momentarily unseating one of the riders.
‘Sorry, that wasn’t my idea!’ called Justin.
Gas slowed to a trot and then halted beside Oak, who gave him a reproachful look and turned his rear end slightly towards the gangly chestnut stallion, warning him to mind his manners.
‘Sorry we’re a bit late,’ Justin said. ‘Gas wanted to stretch his legs now his knee is healing and I lost track of time. When I realised we were running late, he picked up from me what it was we were late for and just took off. He wouldn’t listen to any of my requests to slow down, not even when Turi had to stand in the bushes to get out of his way. She’s someone else I’ll have to apologise to later, honestly Gas, you don’t make life easy for me sometimes. Anyway, what did we miss?’
‘Nothing, we’ve only just got here,’ I said.
Justin slid from Gas’s back. ‘Amarilla, you ride first, Gas you’ll just have to wait your turn!’
Rowena legged me up onto Infinity’s back and a warm thrill shot through me as I sat down in my saddle. Unsuccessful as each of my attempts at riding had been so far, there was something exciting, exhilarating even, about this ridden relationship with my horse. I asked Infinity to move onto a circle, walking around Justin, Rowena and their horses. My friends watched us and immediately began to confer.
What do you need me to do Fin? I asked her.
She pulled my awareness into her body with her.
There was weight on our back, pushing us forward and down. We had so much to be happy about and yet we couldn’t find a way to express our joy. We wanted to gallop and leap around, tossing our head and kicking up our heels, but it was impossible with this weight. Everything was too hard. Our chest cavity was closing in on itself. There wasn’t enough room now for happiness; not enough room for any emotion really, we were shutting down. What was it that we were happy about again? We couldn’t seem to remember. Our thoughts were slow and heavy. Everything was heavy.
‘Move it up to a trot, Amarilla!’
We flicked an ear. We understood Rowena’s instruction, but we couldn’t seem to respond straight away, even when the legs that curled around our sides began to nudge — my legs, I realised. My legs, asking Infinity’s body to trot. Asking our body to trot. It took what seemed like an eternity for us to relay our intention to move faster to all of our muscles. Why was it all so slow, so heavy, so difficult? Our legs finally began to move quicker and we managed a trot. The weight on our back immediately seemed heavier and we were being pushed forward and down even more. We couldn’t think straight now, it was too hard and required too much effort. We just focused on moving our legs and trying not to fall forward onto our nose.
Something was pushing at me. Go… back… Infinity was using what little force of personality she could still express, to push my awareness back to my own body. Suddenly, everything was free and light again; I was back fully in my own body. I was free to express myself again. But what about Infinity? I brought her back to a walk.
Fin?
You see now, came her muted reply.
I felt a gentle wave of love and support reach Infinity and her body began to relax; Oak and Gas were once more helping her to recover. I could feel Rowena’s concern and Justin’s fascination through their bonds with their horses and it was obvious from their faces that they could feel my devastation.
‘I can’t do this to her. I can’t ever ride her again. It’s not worth it,’ I said shakily, dismounting.
‘What happened? We were just about to start making suggestions when Oak and Gas told us to leave you alone,’ said Rowena. ‘Was it worse than last time?’
‘Can you both stay open to me?’ I asked, hoping they would be brave enough to allow me to use the link between our horses to show them what I didn’t think I’d find the words to describe.
Rowena and Justin looked at one another and then back at me, and nodded, Rowena with a grimace. I relived what I’d just shared with Infinity. When I’d finished, Rowena staggered up to Oak and buried her face in his neck and Justin stood rooted to the spot, shaking his head slowly
from side to side.
‘Why didn’t he tell me what the problem was?’ said Justin. ‘Why haven’t any of the horses brought this up before?’
‘Infinity told me before that it’s a bigger issue for her than for most other horses, maybe that means it’s easier for her to show me? But I’m not doing that again. I can’t.’
You can. Infinity was much stronger already and she used the full extent of our bond to impress her next statement upon me: It is the reason that we bonded.
Rowena said, ‘now we can do something about it. We never would have realised what was happening if it wasn’t for you and Infinity, but now we know we have to help them lift up in front and open their chests so they can express themselves fully. Oak is so excited about it all, he’s buzzing and I’ve never felt that from him before.’
‘It seems to be having the opposite effect on Gas,’ said Justin. ‘He’s always buzzing about something and it’s usually hard to get his full attention, but he actually feels as if he wants to concentrate on all of this. Very weird!’
‘Infinity is feeling insufferably pleased with herself and I have to say I’ve felt that from her plenty of times!’ I said and my friends laughed. ‘So, where do we go from here?’
‘On a fast road to disaster, I’d say.’ Feryl was leaning on the paddock gate with a couple of other men, both of whom sniggered.
Justin stiffened. ‘I don’t think Amarilla was directing her question towards you, Feryl.’
Feryl ignored him and said, ‘I can see how taking it in turns with your little friends to ride circles will help you learn to ride superbly Amarilla. When will we be invited to view the display of your talents? Next week?’
I was shocked by his acid tone and felt myself shrink inside. Infinity appeared at my shoulder and I felt a flow of warm, supportive energy wrap itself around me.
Rowena glared at Feryl. ‘Just who in the mother of storms do you think you are?’ she asked him.
