by Lynn Mann
It always takes time to readjust and remember how to direct your thoughts once they are the whole of you once more. Come away from there and concentrate on your decision, Infinity instructed me, lovingly.
My decision. To move on with Infinity, or to stay with her in the physical plane and see what came of that. What would we do in our bodies though? Nothing that I had thought mattered, did matter in truth. Knowing that now, what would be the point of going back? I pondered. My family. They would be very upset if I left.
The situation would be temporary. When they are ready their times will come. Then they will remember and understand.
I knew she spoke the truth. The same would apply to my friends. Rowena flashed into my thoughts. She had been devastated by Shann’s loss at the hands of the Woeful and she was scared about progressing with Oak. Her fears were groundless, I knew that and at some point so would she, but she didn’t know it yet and I did. I could help her. The Woeful. Something nagged at me about them. What was it? I tried to remember but I was finding it difficult to move from one thought to the next.
Some of your fellow humans plan to hunt them, Infinity reminded me.
Yes, that was it. And I had been opposed to the hunt. It had seemed so very important to oppose it whilst I was in my body, yet now I couldn’t seem to remember why. None of it mattered.
Not in reality. But in the dream it matters greatly.
Why?
You glimpsed the effect of allowing your soul to express through your personality when you chose to love a fellow human instead of attempting to be right. If you return to your body and use it to change the way The Sorrowful are seen and treated there is enormous evolutionary potential.
Why is that important?
It will move more souls closer to being able to choose whether to continue dreaming the shared dream.
Whatever stance I take, you provide an argument against it. If I think I should stay because of my family, you dismiss my concern. If I consider moving on, you tell me why I should stay. I’m more confused than ever.
I merely ensure all information is considered.
I pondered further. There were those threads that were still linking me to my body. Issues to be resolved.
They are minor. If you choose not to return they will be resolved in a future incarnation. If you return they will be ready for release shortly after.
I examined one of them. It was the concern for the Woeful. I shifted my focus to the next, which held the frustrations associated with my apprenticeship. If I’d been in my body I would have smiled. I knew the answers to those. They came to me now as easily as breathing came to my body. So why bother going back to work on them? I knew them. None of it mattered.
You know them but you have not yet expressed them. The frustration you manifested in your body has not yet been resolved.
Infinity waited patiently as I attempted to wrench my thoughts away from the threads. When I finally succeeded, I felt Infinity’s approval. You are adjusting rapidly. Should you choose to move on your transition will be the easiest you have experienced yet.
How much time do I have to make the decision?
Time does not exist. You will reach a decision when you are ready.
I decided to stop thinking for a while and see if an answer became apparent. It was so blissful here, wherever it was that we were. We and everything and everyone else, I realised. I thought of Shann, Newson, Integrity and Noble and was instantly aware of their presences, and those of… Infinity enveloped my consciousness before I had a chance to put names to two other presences that were very familiar, cutting me off from them. Do not be distracted. The decision you must make should remain foremost in your thoughts.
What to do. If I wanted, Infinity and I could move on, away from all the pettiness of human concerns and I could always resolve the few remaining issues I had in a future lifetime. What would I be then though? Where would I be? Would Infinity still be with me? Would I be with any horses at all? With any of the friends whose support I’d valued so much and whom I’d been able to help in return?
As my friends and their horses flitted through my mind, I felt those familiar presences again. Justin, that was who it was, and Gas. A jolt shook my consciousness. How were they here…? Immediately Infinity pulled me back and surrounded me once more. No distractions, she reminded me lovingly but firmly.
But how did I just sense Justin and Gas like that? With the same intensity I can sense you and the others, I mean?
Infinity wove her way through my consciousness, pulling it tighter together. She was all I was aware of now. There was no room for any thought of anything else. No need for anything or anyone else.
The decision, we thought together.
If we returned to our bodies, we could continue the work we had started with the other Bonded. We would be working together with our friends to move humanity on past the point where they would feel the need to make decisions based on fear and insecurity again. We could help to make life easier for those incarnating as Woeful. We could clear the remaining threads that tied us to a need to continue incarnating, dreaming the dream. Infinity gently disentangled her consciousness from mine and left me to consider by myself. The more I thought of returning to my body, to my life as Infinity’s Bond-Partner and my friends’ friend, the stronger my feeling became. I reached my decision.
About time too, Justin’s thought blasted into my mind.
??????????? Justin? There was amusement and jubilation all around.
You know it’s me. Gas and I were on the verge of creating beds to lie down on while we were waiting.
But how…
Are we here? That’s something of a story. As his consciousness resonated with mine, my question attracted the answer instantaneously and I witnessed his experience.
I felt his concern when he saw me collapse on the ground next to Infinity. He’d been so sure that I’d been releasing past hurt and emotion in the same way that he’d seen Infinity and Spider do, but when I lost consciousness, he worried that he’d misunderstood. Gas reassured him that he’d been right and that what was happening was entirely as it should be. He lifted me into his arms and carried me back to my bedroom, laying me gently on my bed. I felt the depth of his feelings for me and was astonished.
Infinity went back to her field shelter with Gas, falling instantly into a standing sleep. Two days passed. Gas and Oak stayed with Infinity as she dozed and slept, waking briefly to drink, eat or relieve herself before returning to her slumber. Justin stayed at my bedside. Our friends brought him food and drink and repeatedly encouraged him to leave me and rest while they sat with me, but he refused. He hammered repeatedly at Gas to tell him what was happening to me, why I wasn’t waking up despite Adam’s assurance that there was nothing wrong with my body, but Gas withheld the answer from him, telling him only that if he considered deeply, he would find that he knew.
Another day passed and my condition was unchanged. Feryl came to see me and Justin had an uncharacteristic loss of temper, blaming Feryl for what had happened to me. Feryl looked utterly miserable, took everything Justin said without comment and then fetched a chair and sat at Justin’s side. He asked Justin questions. Hundreds of them. He wanted to know everything about how I’d reached the stage I had with Infinity and what Justin thought was happening now. When Justin had told Feryl everything he could, including admitting what was holding him back from pushing Gas as far as I’d been willing to push myself and Infinity, realisation struck him; Justin was more concerned for me than he was afraid for himself. He made a decision. Wherever I’d gone, he was coming after me.
Feryl offered to help and at first, Justin refused, saying he knew what he had to do and he knew that he and Gas could do it. Feryl pleaded with Justin to allow him and Liberal to work alongside him, even if it were only to provide moral support. He wanted to help.
Gas and Liberal agreed to do three riding sessions a day with their riders, with time to rest in between. Our other friends to
ok it in turns to help Justin and Feryl from the ground. Feryl learnt quickly and was very soon helping the others in pushing Justin and Gas ever harder. I felt Justin’s muscles screaming at the end of each day as he took his place in the easy chair by my bed. I felt the determination that coursed through him and knew that it was beginning to overshadow the fear that tried to take over him each time he rode. I felt his love for his horse and for me. He always gave Infinity’s neck a rub before and after each riding session and I felt him trying to reach me through her. She didn’t acknowledge his presence.
It took them eight days. I was astonished. I couldn’t possibly have been here for over a week! It was only an hour or so, surely? But Justin’s memories were firm. Gas achieved perfect balance eleven days after I’d collapsed. He bellowed as his frustration at Justin’s previous reticence left his body, and snorted and bucked a little as a few other more minor concerns were released… and then he was free! He was a young soul who hadn’t incarnated many times and had correspondingly little to release. He was the opposite of Justin. Justin had incarnated over and over, learning and growing with each incarnation. The one issue he had never conquered, never managed to release, was his fear of death and perversely, it was that fear, and that fear alone, that tied him to a need to continue incarnating. Each time he incarnated, he feared losing himself, being no more, and each time he left his body and realised his mistake, he resolved to lose the fear in his next incarnation… so far with little success.
This time, he had chosen to incarnate as someone who would share a bond with a horse. This time he hoped to find the courage to live his life without his constant fear of death, of losing his individual personality. After all, he would be bonded to a horse, and the horses know the truth of existence even whilst they are incarnate in the physical plane. He was giving himself his best chance yet to conquer his fear… yet once again his fear had arisen and held him back.
I felt his jubilation as his beloved horse achieved perfect balance beneath him. He felt Gas release what he needed to in a few short bursts and then realised that he could do the same. He was balanced and strong. He was at one with his horse, with everything that is, was and ever has been. As he and Gas had worked together over the previous days, he had felt his fear receding. Like me, he had had glimpses of the truth when he and Gas had had moments of balance and as they’d worked on, he had felt his old worries gradually lose their hold over him. Now he had the opportunity to release the last of his fear. He and Gas trotted powerfully and majestically around the paddock, with Feryl’s encouragement and jubilation ringing in their ears. He felt Gas begin to falter and knew that if he released the last of his fear, he would be strong enough and balanced enough to maintain his balance and stop Gas losing his own. If he held on to fear, even the tiniest amount, they would have more work to do. He thought of me and Infinity and his resolve stiffened. He was coming after us, wherever that may be and whatever it meant for him.
He released his fear and found that his body responded immediately. He resisted Gas’s slight loss of balance with ease and felt his horse regain his power. They moved up to a canter. It was light, effortless. It felt as if he and Gas were balanced lightly on Gas’s hind legs. Time slowed down until it failed to exist. There was only Justin, Gas and… an awareness of absolutely everything else! He felt me, briefly and then felt Infinity put herself between us. He slowed Gas to a halt and dismounted. He was vaguely aware of shouting and clapping erupting around him, and someone patted his back. None of it mattered. He walked Gas back to his shelter, untacked him and brushed him down. Justin left Gas dozing and came back to my room. He sat down in my easy chair and went to sleep, focusing his thoughts on me… and then he and Gas were with us.
His joy at being with us was matched equally by his joy that the cord that was his fear was already flickering doubtfully between him and his body. At Gas’s prompting, he cleared it, welcoming his energy back to himself and wondering why it had taken so long for him to be able to do it. It was so easy.
Infinity pulled at my consciousness and I found myself drawn towards her. She once more enveloped me until I was aware of myself as a discrete entity. You must maintain more of an awareness of yourself in order to be in a position to return to your body, she informed me, gently.
How is Justin able to do it?
He Who Is Gas is assisted by his partner in the same way I assist you.
Are you ready to go back yet, Am? Justin asked.
Are you and Gas going back?
We are.
Then let’s do it. Um Fin? How do I get back in my body?
Follow that which binds you, Infinity instructed me.
I turned my attention back to the thick, pulsing cord and imagined following it back to my body. Instantly I was part of the cord. I was propelled down it like blood pulsing through an artery and the next thing I knew, my eyes were opening. Sunlight flooded my room, which meant it was early morning. Justin was sitting in a chair by my head, rubbing his eyes and when I sat up, he grinned sheepishly and held out his hand. I took his hand in mine and smiled back as my mind began to make sense of everything I had perceived before returning to my body. Rowena was dozing in a chair by my feet and woke suddenly as I began to laugh.
‘What the…?’ she began.
‘He Who Is Gas! That’s what Infinity called you! He Who Is Gas!’ I said to Justin. He began to chuckle as Rowena looked from one of us to the other, her eyes wide with shock and disbelief. Justin and I laughed until we cried.
Twenty-Seven
Resolution
So, can you hear what I’m thinking right now?’ Rowena asked. I’d told her everything that had happened since I passed out at the riding paddock, with the exception of what I’d felt from Justin.
I nodded. ‘Yes, and I have a sense of how you’re feeling, like I did with Feryl. It all feels so muted though, compared with… the other place. It’s like my mind’s trying to wade through thick, gloopy mud.’
‘Go on then, how’m I feeling?’ Rowena said.
‘You’re tired but relieved, and a bit…’ I hesitated.
‘What? Go on, what?’
‘Envious. Sorry, but you asked me.’
Rowena flushed and looked from me to Justin and back again. ‘Well I suppose I am a bit. But there’s only one person who can do anything about it, isn’t there and I’m not going to help myself by sitting here. You owe me, my friend,’ she said, pointing at Justin as she heaved herself up out of the chair. ‘I expect all of the encouragement, cajoling and downright bullying that I gave you, returned to me ten-fold. Oak and I have a lot of work to do and we’re going to need help. I’m going to get some breakfast and then I expect to see you at the paddock, to help me find this perfect balance that’s so important. You,’ she pointed at me, ‘get one day’s grace in order to feed yourself up after your insane, what was it? Twelve day fast? And then I expect you to join him. Got it?’
We both chuckled as she flung her hair over her shoulder and left the room. I suddenly felt acutely embarrassed. Justin and I had shared an experience where nothing was hidden and I had been aware of things that he may not have wanted me to know — and presumably the answers to any questions he’d wondered about me had been similarly answered for him. Confusion added to my embarrassment. Justin and I had shared the experience because we knew the truth. We knew that nobody is really separate from anyone else and that it just appears that way when dreaming the shared dream. So why was I embarrassed? Justin and I were two parts of the same whole, I may as well be embarrassed at my own thoughts as at his.
Having awareness of your soul and knowing the truth does not mean that your humanity ceases to exist, Infinity informed me.
Meaning?
You have chosen to return to your body with the intention of allowing your soul to express itself through your personality. Not to replace it. She Who Is Infinity you are living as a human. Allow yourself to be human.
I looked at Justin, to find him watching me
. ‘This is weird, isn’t it?’ he said, ‘everything seemed so easy, so simple and now we’re back here it seems just the opposite. I can’t decide whether I’m mortified, happy, daft for feeling anything at all when we both know it’s not necessary… I’m not sure how to feel really.’
‘Well according to Infinity, we’re meant to be feeling all of those things, because we’re living as humans,’ I replied. ‘Justin, thanks for coming after me. I was alright, you know that, but thanks anyway.’
His cheeks flushed below his intense brown eyes. ‘No need to thank me Amarilla, you gave me the incentive to finally… well, you know what I had to get past. I’m not sure I would ever have had the courage if I hadn’t been so worried for you.’
‘Oh, I think Gas would have found a way to worry you if I hadn’t!’ I said. ‘There’s no way he’d have let you pass a lifetime bonded to him without getting through to you somehow, although he’s more patient with you than Infinity is with me.’
I almost felt Infinity’s snort in a physical way and saw the shock on Justin’s face before we both laughed. ‘You felt that too?’ I said.
‘Yes, I did. She’s got a feisty way about her, hasn’t she?’ he replied.
‘Did you hear her when she was helping me just before?’
He nodded. ‘Just about, but it didn’t feel like it does when I hear Gas. Maybe it’s just that she doesn’t feel familiar, maybe as we both get used to how we are now, things will change. I guess we’ll find out. We’re in for an interesting time, aren’t we?’ He grinned. ‘Are you ready to set foot outside the door and be the focus of curiosity yet again?’
I nodded. ‘I’m fine, but before any of that, I need to see Adam.’
Adam opened his door wearing his dressing gown and rubbing his eyes. His face broke into a wide smile. ‘I wasn’t sure you would come back, my dear, but I’m glad you did. And Justin?’
‘He’s back too. He’s gone to get some breakfast. Adam, there are things I need to tell you. I haven’t been able to find the herbs that will cure insomnia or stomach ulcers because I’ve been coming at it from the wrong angle. I’ve been trying to cure the symptom, whereas I should have been looking for herbs that will ease the cause. They’re both caused by stress and anxiety, so I need a herb to provide a sense of calm — chamomilla will do nicely I think — and then I need another herb to carry my positive energy and intention for the person, to help give them strength to deal with whatever’s causing the problem. You’ve been using suncatcher for that and I may well too, I know it works because it was your secret ingredient in the healing cream you gave me to put on my face after Rowena punched me, and I felt it soothing the anger and upset that would have slowed my healing.
