“Hi, there!” I said. “Oh, my goodness! You caught me!”
“Good morning!” he replied with a very wide smile. “No worries! How are you, Leslie?”
“Practically naked! I’ve got to run inside, but I’d love to catch up with you! Been too long!”
“Yes,” he said, and then without hesitating, he called out, “Come for supper!”
“Better yet, I’ll bring it! Wait until you see what I can do to a chicken!”
I couldn’t do diddly-squat with a chicken. I’d enlist Holly’s help.
I ran up the steps and inside, closing the door behind me quietly so Momma wouldn’t hear. God, I was such a bad girl. And I was out of breath. Maybe I’d join a gym or just take up running. I was still in good shape, but I didn’t have the wind I used to have for some reason. Probably pollen. Heaven knows with all the herbs and flowers Holly planted to encourage her bees’ honey production, we had an unbelievable amount of pollen in the air all year long.
Wouldn’t you know it? I got to the kitchen and there sat the queen. She had a horrified look on her face.
“Would you like to tell me why you’re mooning the neighbors? Have you lost your simple mind?”
I swear that woman has eagle eyes in the back of her head and the front.
I dropped the paper on the kitchen table and said, “G’morning! I’ll be right back.”
I all but ran to my room and threw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and brushed my hair into a ponytail on top of my head. One of the few things Holly and I had in common was great hair. At least we were lucky about that. I hurried back to the kitchen, poured myself a cup of coffee, and sat at the table across from her.
“There’s an explanation,” I said and told her the whole story.
“You girls really are out of your minds. It will never work.”
“Why not?”
“Because according to Holly, he’s already in love with this horrible Sharon, whoever she is. What you need is a spy.”
“Why?”
“My dentist retired and moved to Florida. I need to find a new dentist. Get this woman’s last name and I’ll go see her, you know, nose around a bit. Save your virtue for the moment. Or at least try to. I’ll get the story on her. Go get your sister. We’ve got work to do.”
“Okay. But I’m bringing him dinner tonight,” I said.
“Then bring the boys over here to decorate cookies or something. That will give you some space to get a read on him. Your sister’s so naïve sometimes. She probably just saw them looking at each other with googly eyes. It’s a long way from googly eyes to the altar. Let me think this through a little bit. Leslie?”
“Yes?”
“This is the most exciting thing that’s happened around here in years!”
“Well, it certainly is a nice diversion for me. I have to get back in the game anyway. This is as good a place to start as any other.”
“Leslie?”
“Yes, Momma?”
“I know you. You’re hot-blooded. Try not to disgrace the family. Please?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
There was nothing like the safety and happiness of children to unite women in a cause, even if they had disparate personalities and goals. Holly, who stopped in to see about the kids after school, found Sharon’s business card on Archie’s desk and copied down the number and address for Momma. Momma made an appointment for the following day. Holly was shocked beyond belief that Momma was actually leaving the house and even more dumbfounded that she was getting involved in our scheme. I knew Momma’s life had become super dull since I married Charlie, but I kept that to myself. Holly was hurt enough as it was.
But Holly was a trouper. She worked her shift at Publix and brought home all the groceries we needed for a great meal.
We spent the rest of the afternoon making chicken parmigiana, which most children love. Then I made a salad of mozzarella balls and the tiniest cherry tomatoes I’d ever seen. And Holly had brought home Pepperidge Farm frozen garlic bread, which is my total favorite. Holly threw together a chocolate cake with a layer of marshmallows inside, which we knew the boys would love. In the end it was decided that the boys would definitely have dinner with Momma and Holly, and I, the family’s pinch hitter, would take a picnic over to Archie. And Holly had bought a decent bottle of red wine, hoping it would loosen his tongue and make him want to talk to me.
“You’ve got to get him to tell you all about Sharon and bring him to his senses,” Holly said.
“Yes,” Momma said, “you’ve got to make him see that Sharon is a terrible choice, most especially because of the impact she’ll have on his children. If you can’t get past first base with him, ask him what he thinks Carin would want for her children. Guilt is a good weapon.”
“I’ll do my best,” I said. “Hopefully, I’ll get to home plate.”
Surely, Sharon didn’t have any real assets that I didn’t? I mean, I knew Archie taught world religions and that she was a dentist. Those two professions were galaxies apart. I couldn’t see what they could have in common beyond carnal desire. So, around four that afternoon, I took the hot shower of my life, shampooed, shaved, tweezed, moisturized, perfumed, and boofed myself into my former, younger single self, and packed up dinner. Cleopatra could not have put any more intention and effort into the seduction of Mark Antony. The only things I didn’t have were a CD of Barry White’s and a scented candle.
Momma had been giggling all day at the prospect of how Archie would react to being alone with me. Holly was less enthused, but that was understandable. When they saw me, they stopped and exhaled a whoosh of surprise and anxiety.
“You’ve got this, sister,” Holly said.
“Poor bastard doesn’t stand a chance,” Momma said.
“Thanks, ladies.”
It was almost go time. If Holly was right, this might be our only bite of the apple. If she was wrong, I’d have a good time messing with Archie’s head anyway. I was just finishing a strategic application of cologne when I heard the boys come in the house. I picked up my purse and went to the kitchen to pick up dinner.
The boys were at the table with Momma and Holly.
Tyler said, “This is so cool to get to go out on a school night!”
Hunter, who was staring at me, said, “You smell really pretty. Do you have a date with our dad?”
This got Tyler’s attention right away.
“Do you?” he said.
“Oh, no, sweetie,” I said. “I knew your dad a long time ago when y’all were just little bitty babies and had just moved in next door. I haven’t seen him in ages. We just want to catch up with each other. That’s all.”
“That’s too bad,” Tyler said.
“Why’s that?” I said.
“It would be really nice if he’d have a date with someone besides Sharon,” Tyler said.
“Yeah, we don’t like her,” Hunter said.
“Why don’t you like her?” Momma asked.
The two boys looked at each other, unsure of how to answer. And then Tyler, being the oldest, spoke.
“You know how some grown-ups don’t like kids? You can just feel it? That’s her,” he said.
“Oh, come on, now.” Holly reached over and touched his arm affectionately. “You know, some grown-ups are awkward, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Sometimes it just takes certain people a while longer to warm up.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Hunter said, “but some grown-ups think kids are in the way.”
Out of the proverbial mouths of babes, I thought.
“I’ll see y’all later!” I said.
“I promised to have the boys home by eight thirty,” Holly said.
“Thanks for the warning!” I said and winked at Tyler, who smiled at me.
“Behave yourself!” Momma said, and then, realizing little pitchers have big ears, she said to the boys, “Leslie always behaves. I just tell her that.”
I picked up my cooler, my bottle of wine, and my pur
se and left.
Well, I told myself as I walked across the porch and down the steps, if he has on cologne, it is a date. If he’s all rumpled and the house is messy, it isn’t. I went up his front steps and rang his doorbell. It took him no time to answer it.
“Leslie! Come in! Don’t you look lovely!”
“Well, thanks, Archie! It’s so great to see you again! Sorry about this morning.”
“I’m not,” he said.
I leaned in and he gave me a tiny, very chaste kiss on my cheek. He was wearing some lemony-smelling aftershave and a clean shirt. Two points for the home team. The house—well, what I could see of it—was neat and tidy. Two more points.
“What did you bring for us for dinner?” he asked.
Honey, he was smiling from ear to ear. Oh, yeah, Archie, you’re going down like a redwood.
“I brought you something you’re gonna love,” I said.
A little double entendre, why not?
“You did, did you?”
“I just have to warm it up.”
Yeah, warm this up, I thought.
“Well, let’s do it!”
I followed him to the kitchen thinking about how big old mean pussycats torture their mice before they eat them, teasing them. I was hoping I was that cat.
We passed a dining room table covered in mail. It was a bit like our house. Did anyone really use their dining rooms?
“One of these days, I’ll clear off that table and start having dinner like an adult. I hope you don’t mind eating in the kitchen.”
“The kitchen is absolutely fine,” I said.
I put the cooler on the counter, where a cheese board sat with a wedge of Brie and some grapes and crackers. And I noticed that he had set the table for us. There were wineglasses and cloth napkins, which I also considered a good sign. I set the oven to 350 degrees and slid my casserole and garlic bread in, thinking it would all warm up in the oven together.
“This is going to take about twenty minutes, I’m guessing,” I said.
“That’s fine. I opened a bottle of red wine for us,” he said. “May I pour a glass for you?”
“Please. That would be lovely. Thank you,” I said. “I brought a bottle, too.”
“Great! We’ll have a reserve bottle. But it’s not good to overimbibe on a weeknight. Unless, of course, you feel compelled to overimbibe.” He said this smiling, and his eyes just twinkled. “And then, overimbibing is fine.”
“Are you nervous, Archie?”
“Um, why, no. Should I be?”
He poured a healthy measure into two wineglasses and offered one to me.
I took the glass from him and said, “Heavens, no! Thanks. Cheers! Here’s to renewing old friendships!”
“I’ll drink to that! Cheers!”
The edges of our glasses clinked, and we took a sip.
“Cheese?” he said.
“Sure!” I said. “Let me fix some for you.”
“Thanks.”
We stood there eating rock-hard cold Brie and making polite conversation for a bit until I checked on the garlic bread and decided it was ready. I took it out of the oven, put the salad in a bowl, and fixed two plates of food.
“This looks amazing,” he said. “It smells really good.”
“Darlin’, the Jensen girls know how to put the hurt on a bird.”
“They sure do!”
He refilled our glasses and we sat down to eat.
“Bon appétit!” I said.
“You are so right. Bon appétit!” he said, and our glasses touched again.
We took a bite and he said, “This is really delicious.”
To which I answered, “I know, right? Here’s a piece of unsolicited advice for you, Archie. Never fall in love with a woman who can’t cook.”
“Really? Why is that?”
“Because if they don’t cook, they can’t nurture. A nonnurturing woman ain’t got no soul.”
I realized the wine was quickly going right to my head. I decided to let him talk for a while and I’d just eat.
“Is that a fact?” he said, and he was smirking at me. “How did you and Holly learn to cook as well as you do?”
“It was a matter of self-defense. You probably know our mother is the worst cook on earth.”
“I think Holly mentioned that.”
“No, for real. She is. But I want to hear about you, Archie. Tell me what’s happening.”
He sat back and exhaled long and slow.
“Well, it’s been almost a year since we lost Carin.”
“She was awesome.”
“Thanks. We all thought so. And learning to live without her hasn’t been easy for me or for the boys.”
“Of course.”
“Is there more chicken parm? I shouldn’t, but I’d really like to have some more.”
“Please! I’m flattered! Let me get it for you.”
“Thanks. Anyway, we’ve been moping along, trying to get through the holidays and so on. Your sister has been as good as gold to us. I mean, I don’t know what we would’ve done without her. She picks up the kids from school if the weather is bad, she’s helped with homework, made snacks, dinners, and anything she could think of.”
“Holly’s a rock. And she adores Tyler and Hunter like they’re her own blood.”
“Yes. I know. And they feel the same way about her. Really, having her with them and us, well, she’s been a godsend.”
I refilled his plate and put it in front of him. Then I took a bold chance and let my hand rest on his shoulder for a moment before I sat down in my chair again. I could feel him flinch and I thought, Uh-oh, game over.
“Leslie? I feel like I should tell you something.”
I smelled bad news, but I pretended to be as serene as Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina.
“Lay it on me, brother.”
“I’ve met someone.”
“I know. Holly told me. That’s so wonderful. The boys mentioned it, too. Sharon, isn’t it?”
He breathed a tiny sigh of relief.
“Yes. She’s a dentist with a specialty in cosmetic work. She takes athletes and all kinds of wreck victims and rebuilds their mouths. She’s very talented.”
“That kind of work has to be painstaking and meticulous. I wouldn’t be a dentist for all the money in this world.”
“Really? Why’s that?”
“Well, I think you’d have to have a very exacting personality, which I don’t. You know, like a perfectionist, which is a curse, if you ask me. And the thought of getting into other people’s germy mouths all day long is unappealing to me. I’m not a fan of blood, either.” I shuddered for emphasis.
“Well, she makes me happy. And I guess that’s all that matters, right?”
“Um, I’m less sure than you are about that,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
His voice had a slight defensive tone, so I softened my response.
“Archie, there’s an old saying: marry in haste, repent at leisure.”
“I’ve heard it all my life. There’s probably some truth to it. For young people, it makes a ton of sense. But by the time you’re my age, you know when something is right.”
“Well, in my case, I could’ve dated Charlie for ten years and not known what he was up to.”
“What was he up to? If I may ask.”
I looked at him, wondering if I should just tell the truth, and then I started to laugh, and I couldn’t stop. He started laughing, too. Finally, he gave me a glass of water and I drank it, calming down at last.
“It was that funny of a breakup?” he said.
“Okay, try this one on for size and tell me what you think. Charlie, who now prefers to be called Charlene, likes to dress up in women’s clothes. He’s moved to Las Vegas hoping to be hired in a revue of female impersonators.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“Nope. And here’s the killer: he doesn’t see why that should have any impact on our marriage.”
“
Great God. And you obviously had no idea?”
“No. None. You could’ve knocked me over with your finger.”
“Is he a dancer?”
“Well, he was one of sorts. Drum major with his college marching band. He likes to do high kicks. This is what I’m telling you, Archie. What’s the rush?”
“I hear you,” he said. An almost imperceptible amount of doubt crossed his face. “But, you know, Leslie, I’m no prize.”
“What do you mean? Are you nuts? You’re a total hunk!”
“Please. I’m an old fuddy-duddy with gray temples. I have two children . . .”
“I’m glad you brought them up. Is Sharon the kind of stepmother Carin would want for her boys? If memory serves, your two little guys were the loves of her life, besides you, of course.”
“Oh, I think she’d be thrilled,” he said, and I got the sense he believed it. “Sharon is accomplished and smart and she’s sexy as hell. That’s for sure.”
Great, I thought. So happy to hear she’s sexy. What was I? The Great Sphinx of Giza?
“Does Sharon like them? Do they like her?”
“Oh, I’m sure we’ll get that all worked out. But as Sharon says, they’re going to go to college and leave me. It would be nice to have a companion for myself.”
“Yes, they are going to go to college and leave you. But not for another decade.”
He got quiet then and reached for the wine bottle to refill our glasses. He leaned back and took a long drink and put it down.
“Ten years is a long time, Archie. I mean, I’d be happier if I knew she was crazy about Tyler and Hunter.”
“I’ll see about my boys. Don’t worry about that.”
“Of course, you will.” I paused. “Look, Archie. You might think I’m saying this because I’m sour on marriage, and at the moment I have to say, I’m not the biggest fan. If you didn’t have kids, I’d say go on and get married and have yourself a ball. But you do have kids.”
Queen Bee Page 9
