“Good luck!” I said to them and walked away.
What else was I supposed to do except hide my feelings? I took a seat in the very back, next to an older couple, and waited for the ceremony to begin. The ceremony was being performed by a friend of Sharon’s who happened to be a judge. He was standing at the end of the little makeshift aisle with Archie and his two sons. Hunter, of course, was fidgeting, unable to stay still.
First, some older ladies were brought up the aisle. Then two women who were bridesmaids, even though they seemed a little too old to be in a wedding party. And a little tiny golden-haired girl followed them, dropping flower petals. She was walking so slowly and dropping her petals with such deliberation that the guests smiled and chuckled. She couldn’t have been over three years old and she easily stole every single heart.
The music became louder again, the guests stood, and along came Sharon, on the arm of a man I assumed was her father. I was puzzled and a little slighted to know that Archie and Sharon’s relationship had come this far and I’d never been introduced to anyone in her family. But in my heart, I knew it was because Archie considered any introductions to be unnecessary to a neighbor.
Just get this over with, I thought. Please. Let this be over in a hurry. I watched Archie’s face, looking for a crack in his wall. But Archie was too much of a gentleman to be anything else. He smiled warmly at Sharon as she approached him. I could see that he felt genuine affection for her.
The judge invited anyone who had objections or knew of a reason why Archie and Sharon should not marry to speak.
They exchanged vows, and I felt like I was in some altered state of consciousness, watching myself in a nightmare. Suddenly, I noticed a couple of honey bee scouts, buzzing around. Then a few more and a few more. They could only be mine. What were they doing out after dark? I sent them a mental message to go home and not come back here tonight or there’d be hell to pay for them. But I still wished for a disaster to happen; a little one would be fine.
The next thing I knew, the ceremony was over, and Archie gave Sharon a polite kiss. She grabbed the back of his neck and laid one on him that was so French I couldn’t believe my eyes. I mean, gross. There was nervous laughter all over the place and I thought, Good, there’s something he should notice.
They came up the aisle, smiling at everyone, and went inside, I assumed to sign their marriage license. In moments, waiters appeared with trays of champagne-filled flutes, people were talking, and a party had begun. Everyone stepped out of the tent so that the wait staff could rearrange the chairs and add tables for dinner. Archie and Sharon reappeared and were mingling, followed by a photographer.
Leslie suddenly appeared, and we spotted each other.
“I decided to take advantage of the free cocktails,” she said. “How was it?”
“Pretty dismal, from my point of view. I kept wishing someone would call it off.”
Just then, a lone seagull flew over and dropped his visiting card on the back of Sharon’s gown. She didn’t flinch. He was followed by two others who did the same. Leslie and I looked at each other and burst into subdued laughter, the kind where you chewed on the insides of your cheeks until you tasted blood. Then there was a fourth, which made a direct hit on her head, and bird shit was now running down her face. Understandably, Sharon started shrieking. Had the birds joined forces with my bees?
Waiters rushed to her side with napkins and bar towels. When Tyler and Hunter saw what had happened, they fell to the ground, holding their stomachs and laughing like hyenas. I ran to them.
“Hey! Y’all! Come on!” I hissed. “Yes, it’s funny, but only in a terrible, terrible way. But you’re not allowed to laugh like this. It’s very mean!”
Reluctantly, they got up, and I brushed them off.
“You’re no fun, Mith Holly,” Tyler said.
“Yeah,” Hunter said.
“Wait a minute. You boys promised me to have an open heart, remember? We had a deal, and a deal is a deal.”
We looked over to where Sharon was practically getting a bath and saw her crying hysterically.
“I feel bad for her! Don’t y’all?” I said. “This night is supposed to be her dream come true! Now, go to her, like good boys, and see if there’s anything y’all can do! Offer to get her a glass of water. Hurry up!”
They scurried away and I turned back to Leslie, who was standing with a very tall woman with large hands. She had on a long blond wig, a blue silk dress, pumps, tons of jewelry, thick eyelashes, and enough makeup to put Estée Lauder right into a coma. I looked again and recognized her. Him. Oh, God. I nearly fainted.
“Hello, Holly,” said a familiar voice.
“Well, hi there yourself, Charlie,” I said. “What a, um, surprise!”
It was my brother-in-law. In full female regalia.
“I guess this makes us wedding crashers,” Leslie said, eaten up alive with giggles. “Can I get anyone a drink?”
“Yes, anything with alcohol would be perfect,” I said, unable to take my eyes off Charlie.
“I’d like a cosmo, if they can manage it,” Charlie said.
“Well, this isn’t Vegas, but the Lowcountry can hold her own in the booze department. I’m pretty sure about that.”
Just then the photographer appeared with Archie by her side.
“I wanted to be sure I had a picture of us,” he said. “And the boys. Where are they? They were supposed to follow me over here.” His eyes found Charlie, and his surprise was obvious. “Do I know you?”
“Yes, you do! I’m Leslie’s husband.” He extended his hand for Archie to shake and Archie shook it soundly. “And tonight, I’m Charlene.”
Not to me, you’re not, I thought. I was a little confused.
“Well, I’ll be damned. Charlene,” Archie said. “Of course, you are.” He turned to the photographer. “Can we get a picture of the three of us?”
“I hope you don’t mind that I stopped in,” Charlie said. “I came to the island to surprise Leslie. I want her to come with me, back to Vegas.”
“And I’ll bet you surprised her, all right,” I said.
“No, I’m delighted to see you,” Archie said, smiling.
We stood together and smiled, and the photographer snapped several pictures.
“Thank you. I should probably go help Leslie with the drinks,” Charlie said and walked in the direction of the bar.
“Terrible thing about the seagulls and all,” I said. “Is Sharon okay?”
“Oh, sure. She’s fine. Luckily, she has another dress. She went inside to change.”
“So, when do y’all leave? I mean, what time? I know it’s in the morning.”
“At ten. Holly, I need to say something.”
I could feel the electricity between us. It was as real and as powerful as anything I’d ever felt.
“No, you don’t. You just go and have a great time in Bermuda and don’t worry about a thing.”
I looked at him, staring straight into his eyes as if to say, You’re a damn fool, Archibald MacLean. A damn fool. Did his eyes say he was in agreement?
“So, aren’t drones remote-controlled bees?” Hunter said.
I said, “No. Drones don’t do anything except mate with the queen. And then they die.”
“Well, that’s stupid,” Tyler said.
Chapter Fourteen
The Vapors
Well, Charlie’s physical appearance was too much for Momma. When we all got home from the wedding, Momma was in the kitchen. She looked up and gave him the most serious hairy eyeball I’d ever seen her deliver.
“You’re not planning on sleeping under this roof, I hope,” she said.
“Momma, Charlie is my husband, for goodness’ sake,” Leslie said.
“Go get yourself a hotel room,” Momma said. “I think you’ve done enough for our family’s reputation for one night.”
“Momma! That’s not nice! You can’t treat my husband this way!” Leslie said.
“Charlie, I’m talking to
you. Do you have a hearing problem, too?” Momma said.
“No, ma’am. I do not have a hearing problem. But I must say you are hurting my feelings,” Charlie said. “However, I will not stay where I am not welcome. Come, Leslie, gather your things. We can go to the Courtyard Marriott.”
Leslie looked like she was about to burst into tears. Her fist covered her mouth.
“Oh, Charlie, I can’t go with you, you know, like this. I love you. You know I do. But I just can’t.”
“I see,” he said. “And why not? We were just at a wedding.”
“That was a bad call,” Leslie said.
“Do you not have a mirror?” Momma said. “I think it’s time for you to call it a night.” She went about ten feet from the kitchen and turned around. “And another thing. You were never that handsome as a man, but, great God almighty, you make one ugly woman.”
Momma left the room, presumably to go to her bathroom to try and find ten milligrams of something that would readjust her central nervous system.
Charlie looked at me, pursed his lips, and put his hands on his hips.
“Have you ever?” he said.
I said, “Charlie, sometimes things go your way and sometimes they don’t.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means bless your heart,” I said.
“Which means?”
“You’re an idiot, Charlie,” I said. “You can’t come around here dressed how you are dressed and expect a good reaction. I’m sorry. That’s just the way the world turns.”
“I never thought you were so narrow-minded, Holly.”
“Don’t insult me, Charlie. I’m not narrow-minded one bit and you know it. You’re the odd man out here.”
“Well, that’s an interesting expression. Your mother? Okay. She’s from another generation. But I’d have thought you were, well, a lot cooler about the ways of the world.”
“Charlie, I have nothing against your lifestyle. How you live is entirely your business.”
“Thank you,” he said, still giving me some self-righteous attitude. “Although I don’t need anyone’s permission.”
“But you should’ve told my sister the truth before you married her.”
“Maybe we should talk in the morning,” Leslie said. “Come on, I’ll walk you to the door.”
“So, I’m being thrown out into the night? Dismissed like an unwanted visitor?”
“Come on, Charlie,” Leslie said and took his arm. “We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”
I said, “Charlie?”
He turned back to me.
“It wasn’t a black-tie wedding. You’re, like, way overdressed.”
He shrugged his shoulders and left.
Well, it wasn’t black tie, I thought.
I poured myself a glass of wine and one for Leslie. She would need it. I took a long sip and sat down at the table, waiting for my sister. It was a few minutes before I heard the engine of Charlie’s rental car turn over. Leslie came into the room with her arms raised, looking at the ceiling in an expression of Why me, Lord?
“Do you believe this night?” she said, taking the glass.
“When Charlie showed up, I thought you were going to have to send someone to scrape my body up from the ground.”
“Yeah, he sure made an entrance.”
“The best part though, was the seagulls,” I said. We toasted. “Not one but four.”
“Agreed, but Charlie ran a close second.”
“For sure. Here’s what I don’t get. Why doesn’t he understand that you have your own feelings about his decision to be doing this?”
“You know what? I’d have to say because at the bottom of it all, he’s a man like all the rest of them. Part mule.”
“There’s just so much I don’t understand,” I said. “So much.”
“Yeah, look what you’re missing out on.” She paused for a moment. “Are you all right? I mean, about Archie getting married?”
“Of course not, but what am I supposed to do?”
“Well, at least you have the affection of his children. They’re such precious little boys. They were so cute in their blazers and neckties. Little men.”
“I know. It’s crazy, but I can’t wait to have them for a week.”
“Are they staying here?”
“No, I’m going over there. What are you going to do about Charlie?”
“I don’t know. I really do love him, you know? I keep telling myself he’s just going through a phase or something. But this seems beyond phase behavior.”
“Yeah, boy, in my expert opinion? It’s beyond phase.”
“I mean, if he’d gone out and bought a Harley, it would’ve been a lot easier to contend with. Or if he’d taken up rock climbing, you know?”
“Of course! The strangest part of this, and it’s all pretty strange, is that he doesn’t seem to understand why it’s a problem for you. Like, why can’t you just take him as he is?”
“Exactly. Although he has got to know that this is asking a lot. It’s not like he wants to dress up in private, which might be easier for me to adjust to.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Not at all. I mean, I’ve known him since his family moved here. He was a little femme, but that never bothered me. Now, suddenly, he’s a female impersonator out there in the world? I don’t understand.”
“Maybe because it got dumped on you all at once it’s harder to take.”
“No kidding! Do you think we might have discussed this bit by bit to give me a chance to get my brain around it?”
“Seems to me that might have been a better choice.”
“He wants to flaunt it all over the place. I’m asking you, who comes to Sullivan’s Island in full drag and crashes a wedding?”
“Is it drag? I thought drag was half of the term drag queen. And drag queens are gay, I think.”
“Charlie’s not gay. I’m certain of that. But back to my question. Who shows up like that on Sullivan’s Island and crashes a wedding?”
“No one that I ever knew. At least, to the best of my limited knowledge.”
“What a night,” she said again. “Maybe that was just a huge lapse in judgment.”
Morning came quickly. I had a little headache from all the wine and champagne I’d consumed at the wedding and afterward, when Leslie and I, incredulous to the tenth power, sat together trying to dissect the brains of Charlie and Archie. I went into the kitchen thinking coffee would clear the cobwebs and a piece of toast might soak up the poison and bring me back to life. Momma was seated at the table reading the paper. The coffee was already made.
“Oh, g’morning! Is Leslie up?” I said.
“No, she’s still sleeping. At least she’s alone.”
I just shook my head and reached inside the refrigerator for the milk.
“I’m going over to the boys in a little bit. Do you need me to do anything for you before I go?”
“No, I’m fine. You sister can help me if and when she decides to rise.”
“Did you bring in the paper?”
“I’m not dead yet, you know. I can still go outside and get the paper if I want to.”
Maybe she was taking some of the nurse’s advice and taking up a little exercise. I didn’t say another word about it.
“Well, great. Thanks for making the coffee.”
She put the paper down and whispered to me.
“What did you really think of Charlie?”
“I think he’s a little cracked. I really do,” I whispered back. “His arrival was just so blatant. I mean, where’s his consideration for Leslie’s feelings?”
“Thank you,” she said and resumed reading, satisfied with my answer.
Then she put her paper down again.
“Do you think she’s going to patch things up with him?”
“No. I don’t. Look, Leslie is super cool with Charlie’s choices. She’s not super cool having a female impersonator for a husband, especially one
who wants to live in drag twenty-four seven.”
“I imagine that would be pretty complicated.”
I dropped a slice of bread in the toaster and pulled down the lever.
“And I think you might be relieved to know that there was not one single person at the wedding I recognized.”
“I was waiting for the telephone to start ringing.”
“Well, I’m just saying I don’t think Charlie found the audience he was hoping for. What are you reading so intently?”
“The obits. What else? Do you know there are people in here younger than me?”
“I imagine so. Life’s a gift, that’s why they call today the present.”
“You’re a regular Hallmark card over there, missy.”
“I was just kidding.”
My toast popped up. I put it on a paper towel and buttered it. Momma continued reading the paper and I stood eating my breakfast over the sink.
“So I’m working four shifts at Publix this week. They’re only six hours each. Do you think you or Leslie could keep an eye on the boys for me?”
“Of course! I think they’re going to need a lot of attention for the foreseeable future,” Momma said. “I’m sure Sharon is going to try and establish authority over them. From everything I’ve seen and heard, she’s a tough cookie.”
“She is,” I said and wondered what was going on with me that I was agreeing with Momma right and left. “And thanks. I’m gonna go over there now because I know Archie and his bride are taking off soon. I want to be sure the boys get a good breakfast.”
“I know where to find you,” she said.
I was just putting some things together to take next door—a book I was reading, my toothbrush, and a pair of pajamas—when the phone rang. Leslie must’ve picked it up, and a few minutes later she came into the kitchen.
“Is there any coffee left?”
“Good morning!” Momma said. “Decent people have been up for hours, you know.”
“It’s the weekend, Momma. Decent people also sleep later on the weekends.”
“Don’t sass me,” Momma said. “I can still turn you over my knee.”
Leslie rolled her eyes and I poured her a mug of coffee and handed it to her, shaking my head. I thought, Well, that was an ironic thing to say for someone who had spent most of her life in bed until Leslie returned. But when I looked back at Momma there was a tiny smile creeping across her face. She was having fun.
Queen Bee Page 13
