We were a match made in heaven. I hoped. Everything with Ted was as easy as everything with Archie had been circumspect. Laughter came easily. Kindness was in abundance. And we had a lot in common. Not to mention no small amount of heat for each other.
After devouring platters of fried shrimp and fish with french fries, coleslaw, and hush puppies, all washed down with a few Budweisers, we paid our bill and went out to the deck to watch the sunset.
“Would you like another beer?”
“Oh, no, I’m just fine. Dinner was delicious,” I said. “Thanks.”
“And it was great fun. So, tell me what else is happening in Holly World.”
“Just this afternoon, my momma got engaged to an old female impersonator named Suzanne Velour. Looks like she’s going to beat me to the altar.”
“Excuse me? Can you back up just a bit? A female impersonator?”
He started laughing so hard, I thought I might have to call EMS. I laughed with him because on the surface it seemed, well, unimaginable that a crabby old ultraconservative divorcée of a certain age from a place like Sullivan’s Island should wind up married to a female impersonator named Suzanne Velour.
“Yep, isn’t that crazy? But that’s my momma. She’s the queen bee in our hive and she’s going to do as she pleases.”
“It’s out there. And you approve?”
“At first I was like, whoa! But after some consideration and seeing them together? You do know that right in the middle of that whole insanity with Archie’s crazy wife Sharon, we had to take Momma in for surgery? She’s got some kind of liver cancer.”
“No, I’m sorry. I did not know that. Is she all right now?”
“Yes, I think so, until it comes back. Anyway, Suzanne flew in from Las Vegas and never left her side. And she makes Momma so happy. You should hear them laughing.”
“Okay, so there’s a missing piece to this picture. How did your mother come to know a female impersonator from Las Vegas? Some underground version of Match.com?”
“Ah, yes! That little detail. So, remember my sister, Leslie?”
“Sure. She was a pretty girl. She married that guy Charlie and moved to Ohio, right?”
“Correct. But then, after six years of married bliss, Charlie revealed a little secret he’d been keeping from Leslie.”
I unpacked the rest of the story and Ted was stunned.
“You’ve got to be kidding me, right?”
“Yeah, I know it’s a lot to process.”
“Wow,” he said.
“And then there’s me. I keep bees, as you know. I decorate cakes at Publix and I volunteer at the library. And sometimes, when all the stars are aligned, I get to substitute-teach at the Sullivan’s Island Elementary School. I am officially the most boring person in my family.”
“I think I like you just as you are. Don’t change a thing.”
“I won’t, because I don’t think my family needs another ounce of drama.”
The horizon and then the sky put on a show of such spectacular dimensions that all the color of my family story paled. I wasn’t embarrassed. What was I supposed to do about them? The good news was that Ted seemed much more amused than horrified. And when he took me home, there was an extended period of time spent in the car saying good night. I floated into bed that night. This was love, and I was astonished by its power. More than that, I was happier than I’d ever been. Where was Leslie? Her bed was empty. Hmmm.
“Did you know honey never goes bad?” I said.
Ted said, “No, I did not know that. That’s amazing.”
“You’re amazing,” I said.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Forever Bee
I got up on the early side of morning, as I usually did. To my surprise, Suzanne was in the kitchen. She had made coffee. Suzanne in the morning, reading the paper wearing a terrycloth bathrobe, was a lot less theatrical than Suzanne in the afternoon or evening. Her gray hair was all spiky, and without all that eyeliner and mascara, she looked more like a kindly grandfather.
“Good morning,” I said.
“Good morning. There’s coffee.”
“Thanks! Did you sleep well?”
“I did, but your momma had a bit of a night.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, we might have overdone it yesterday. I’m guessing she doesn’t get a lot of exercise.”
“You could say that,” I said. “Want a little more?” I filled my mug and was ready to top off Suzanne’s.
“Sure. Thanks,” she said. “She was full of aches and pains. I found some ointment in the bathroom and rubbed her legs. Then she slept well after that. She’s still asleep.”
“Well, I’m sure she’s still getting over the surgery, too.”
“That’s what I thought also,” Suzanne said and refolded the front section of the paper. “Did you have fun last night? Who was that nice-looking man you didn’t introduce me to?”
“Oh, Lord, Suzanne, I’m sorry! That’s Ted Meyers. He’s the chief of police on the island. I think I’m going to marry him and have his babies. I’ll be sure to introduce you to him the next time he’s here.”
“I see. And how long have you two been seeing each other?”
“Last night was our second date,” I said, knowing she’d think I was jumping the gun.
“You Jensen girls don’t mess around, do you?” She was smiling. “Get right down to business.”
“Nope. No flies on us.”
Leslie tootled in.
“G’morning!”
“There’s coffee,” Suzanne said. “So, when everyone’s caffeine intake has been satisfied, there’s something we should discuss.”
“Fire away,” I said.
“Lay it on me, baby,” Leslie said.
“Okay, well, here it is. I know I’ve come along late in the game, and I’m also keenly aware that the dress code of Sullivan’s Island isn’t the same as Las Vegas. They don’t have a lot of men like me around here, so I want you to know, I’m going to tone it down a bit. You know, for the sake of propriety.”
“Don’t change a thing!” I said. “Screw the neighbors!”
“Yeah! Screw the neighbors!” Leslie said. Then she got a peculiar look on her face and said, “Uh, actually, Holly, you and I should probably have a chat later.”
“Fine,” I said. “Whatever.” I knew exactly what she did last night.
“Anyway,” Suzanne continued, “I adore your mother, as you know. One of the other reasons I want to marry her is so I can have the legal right to make decisions about her health care with the two of you. As an equal partner.”
“I had not even thought of that,” I said.
“Me, either,” Leslie said. “But you’re right.”
“But I think we should have a prenup to protect her assets. Not mine. But I don’t want anyone to think I want to take anything that is hers and rightfully yours. For me? I have much more to protect than she does, but I have no heirs. If I get hit by a truck, you ladies can divide the spoils among yourselves.”
“I love you, Suzanne,” Leslie said.
“Me, too,” I said.
“Call me Buster from now on.”
“I can’t,” I said. “You’ll always be Suzanne to me.”
“You’ll ruin your mystique!” Leslie said.
Suzanne laughed.
“Okay. Well, then call me what you’d like. The reason for this is in my experience I knew a young lady I dearly loved who became deathly ill, and, not having any family, I volunteered to see her through her illness. That was all fine, as long as she was conscious. But when she became unconscious, and because she had no living will, the end of her life was disastrous. It should’ve been a peaceful end that followed her wishes. I cannot go through that again and I cannot leave the queen.”
“Oh! What a terrible story! I’m so sorry!”
“So I’m wondering if you have a family attorney I might use to draw up a simple document for us.”
“I’ll call Mark,” I said. “He’s not a wills and estate lawyer, but he’ll know someone.”
“I’m going to go about my morning toilette, and then I’d love some company to purchase a rock for my dove that’s worthy of a queen!” Suzanne stood and put her cup in the sink.
“Hey, Suzanne?” Leslie said.
“Yes?”
“You’re the best.”
Suzanne left the room, and when she was out of earshot, I said, “And are you the worst?”
“Maybe.” She looked at me apologetically. “How was your date with Ted?”
“Well, we talked about marriage, if that’s what you want to know.”
“That’s good. Very good. I’m telling you, that’s your husband.”
“I think you’re right, weirdly enough. He just seems absolutely right for me.” I looked at her. I knew my sister. She couldn’t bring herself to tell me what she had done, so I helped her into the confessional. “Archie?”
“Yeah.”
“Good luck with that nightmare.”
“You don’t mind?”
“Hell, no. Not even a little bit. But it’s nice of you to ask, even if it’s after the fact.”
“I think I can help him,” she said.
I began to laugh. And laugh and laugh.
“No, you can’t help Archie MacLean! You might have some fun with him. You might be really good for his boys. But you can’t change that son of a bitch. Just have fun and don’t worry about where it’s heading.”
“You’re sure? God, I need a lawyer now, too.”
“Ask Mark. With all the business I’m sending his way, maybe we can get a family discount. You know what else?”
“What?”
“For about a hot minute I thought Suzanne was marrying Momma for this house. I wonder what’s in her asset column?”
“Cars, I know for sure. Probably some kind of a ranch. Who knows? She’ll tell us, if we ask.”
“Ask her when you go to Croghan’s.”
“You’re not coming?”
“No. I’m going to stay and see about the queen.”
“You’re a good woman, Holly Jensen. I hope Ted knows that.”
“I have definitely fallen for him. He’s such a stand-up guy.”
“Gosh. I wonder what that’s like?”
“Well, you won’t find out with Archie, that’s for sure.”
“I’ll be careful.”
“Just be good to those boys, okay?”
“I’ll have no problem with that.”
In the next hour, Leslie and Suzanne were gone to the city and I checked my hives for mites. No mites. No beetles. There was a lot to tell the bees that morning, but I had decided I’d better be very careful what I said to them. My hives, as we know, were dead serious.
I went inside and Momma was up and dressed. And wearing her hearing aids, as she had been since Suzanne arrived.
“Hi! How are you feeling?” I said. “Did you get enough rest?”
“Oh, I slept like a little lamb,” she said so sweetly, it alarmed me. “Can you believe I’m getting married?”
“Yes, because Suzanne is a living doll. Let me tell you all she told us this morning.”
“Why don’t we have a nice glass of tea and maybe some toast and discuss the wedding?”
“Let’s do!”
I put bread in the toaster and Momma poured tea.
We sat and talked and I told her every single thing Suzanne said to us and that I thought Suzanne was an angel straight from heaven, albeit no halo and wings, and dressed rather oddly.
“We told her to just be who she is. If she wants to tone it down, tone it down, but not for our sakes. She’s such a great character.”
“This island has always had its share,” Momma said. “Now, tell me about Ted.”
“Well, I think he’s just my perfect speed.”
“I’ve got a good feeling about him, unlike that nut bag next door.”
“Leslie can have him.”
“Nuts are her specialty.”
“Momma! You are so bad!”
“I know. When are you seeing him again?”
“Tonight and hopefully every night for the rest of my life.”
“Oh, Holly, my sweet girl. I’ve wanted someone like him for you for the longest time. And you know what the nicest part is?”
“Tell me.”
“I’ve got a sweet husband on the horizon, so do you, and with any luck at all, I might live long enough to hold a grandchild in my arms.”
“I think Suzanne has every intention of keeping you in this world as long as possible. And I’d love to see that day come to pass as well. Grandchildren, that is.”
“You know, when you weren’t around, I went and talked to your bees, too. I didn’t go inside the fence, of course. But I talked to them plenty.”
“You did? About what?”
“About whatever was on my mind. I spoke to them the same way as you did.”
“How do you like that? So do you think they hear us? Do they understand us?”
“What do you think?” she asked.
“I know with certainty that they do.”
“I thought that’s what you would say.”
“But they don’t act on command, you know.”
“No, they act as one. And that’s what we’re going to do from now on. This family is going to act as a family. That’s how the bees survive, and that’s how we will, too.”
“One team, one dream?”
“Are we having another Hallmark moment?”
I smiled at her smiling face and said, “We are.”
Momma had brought back the tender side of her I’d rarely witnessed in all my days. But there it was. Suzanne had appeared and vanquished the crank.
That night, after Suzanne spent at least four hours scrubbing it, our old Weber grill was put into use. Dressed in khaki shorts and a blue polo and looking like most of the men on the island, Suzanne was going to grill steaks. She still had on bracelets and earrings, but she cleaned up good. I told her so.
“You look very nice tonight,” I said.
“There’s a store called M. Dumas right near Croghan’s. They fixed me up.”
“Well, they did a good job. I think it’s a good sort of compromise you’ve got going on there.”
“Well, now that I know I’m auditioning tonight for the possible role of father-in-law, I figured I’d better give it my best effort.”
Ted was coming for dinner. In a moment of near total insanity, Leslie invited Archie. The boys were at Maureen’s house. Against Momma’s complaints, I cleared off and set the dining room table. This was going to be a classy night if it killed me. I wanted us to show well to Ted. I cut flowers for the table, dahlias and roses mixed with rosemary and thyme, and they were so beautiful and fragrant, I could scarcely believe they were from our yard.
Leslie put potatoes in the oven to bake and I made a salad and a salad dressing with honey, remembering to shoot the bees a telepathic thanks. And Momma, deadly as she could be in the kitchen, blew the dust off her old copy of Charleston Receipts and very carefully followed the recipe for pickled shrimp.
“I think it’s important for Suzanne to think I can cook.”
“She’ll know better soon enough,” Leslie said, and we both giggled.
“She is the cat’s, um, wait . . . oh, forget it!”
Even the queen had a laugh.
“Don’t either of you bad girls tell her anything different, y’all hear me?”
We had wine to pour. Wine in bottles. Actually, good wine. I say this because Suzanne went to a real wine store and brought home six bottles. There were châteaus, not flip-flops, on the labels and I couldn’t pronounce the names, so it had to be pretty good stuff. And she brought a bottle of champagne that had to be for a toast, which was my clue that the ring would be on Momma’s finger that night and we would all be properly hydrated. This was not to be our normal dinner, to be sure.
“We should
be drinking mead!” I said after two glasses of wine.
Everyone stared at me and told me it was a ridiculous idea, except Ted.
“I think it would be fun to ferment honey,” Ted said. “Let’s try it!”
That’s just one reason why I love him.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Bee Joyful
We were not party-hosting people. In fact, the last party I could remember that took place under my mother’s roof was the one when everyone got sick when I was a child. So Leslie and I were not well versed in the hospitable ways of normal southern women. In addition to a copy of Southern Living, I had my hands on a copy of Southern Lady I picked up at Publix, which seemed focused on dinner parties and brunches and how they should look.
After I ran the vacuum, dusted everything in sight with Lemon Pledge, and made a centerpiece for the dining room table, I went digging through Momma’s china cabinet and buffet drawers to see what I could find. In the top drawer, I found a tablecloth and eight napkins, still in their original cellophane wrapper, never used. I couldn’t remember where they came from, but they were going to have a debut that night.
“Momma? Didn’t we used to have silver flatware?”
She was in the kitchen peeling shrimp while the ceiling fan overhead moved the paltry air around.
“My mother’s. It’s in the bottom of my closet, inside the American Tourister red suitcase, under a blanket. Why?”
“I thought it might be nice to use it. Why is it buried in your bedroom closet?”
“To hide it from the robbers! Why else?”
Of course. Why else? Our house was the last house on the island that would entice robbers. And besides that, there were very few crimes ever committed on the island anyway. The occasional speeding ticket. The occasional DUI. But robberies? Nope. I heard about somebody stealing tomatoes from their neighbor’s bushes, but that was probably kids, doing something stupid on a bet. I mean, Momma didn’t need to hide the silver like they did during the Civil War. Honestly.
I went in her closet, which had not been cleaned in a dozen or more years, and located the suitcase. Inside, just as she said, was a felt-lined box of silver flatware and serving pieces. It was blue with tarnish.
Queen Bee Page 30
